“Batman’s Anniversary” / “A Riddling Controversy”
Written by William P. D’Angelo
Directed by James B. Clark
Season 2, Episodes 45 and 46
Production code 9745
Original air dates: February 8 and 9, 1967

The Bat-signal: Bruce is helping Dick with geometry homework involving cutting up a pie, but it’s interrupted by the Bat-phone. Gordon’s news is so bad he won’t even discuss it over the phone—or in his office. He insists they meet at the Gotham Plaza Hotel—which turns out to be a surprise anniversary party for Batman.

Mayor Linseed says that the proceeds for this luncheon will be given to Batman’s favorite charity, which is placed in a golden calf and presented on a tray. However, green gas explodes in the room, and several firefighters show up instantly to put out the nonexistent fire—it’s all a cover, of course, for the Riddler, who steals the golden calf full of money earmarked for charity and makes his escape in a fire department van.

The Dynamic Duo give chase in the Batmobile, but they lose him. Batman gets a copy of the Gotham Herald, which Riddler hinted would have the clue to his next crime. The Sons of Balboa are holding a banquet at the Basin Street Hotel, but a water main explosion under the Gotham City Bank, flooding their vault. Batman and Robin realize it’s a bit of word play: a bank wet. Sending Gordon to the Basin Street Hotel just in case, they hie in the Batmobile to the bank.

Wearing breathing gear, Batman and Robin find Riddler and his goons in scuba gear, robbing the bank. Very slow, languid underwater fisticuffs ensue, but Riddler and his gang escape by pulling out Robin’s breathing mask, thus keeping Batman busy saving Robin, and allowing their egress.

We cut to Riddler’s hideout which is on the site of the soon to be opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory, which we know from the sign that says, “ON THIS SITE, SOON TO BE OPENED, THE NOMAN JIGSAW PUZZLE FACTORY.” The loot from the bank and the golden calf is half of what Riddler needs to buy a weapon so awesome that he’ll be able to blackmail the city. The creator of that weapon, Professor Charm, is looking forward to Riddler using the weapon, but he insists on the three million bucks for it.

Batman and Robin have failed to solve Riddler’s latest clue, left at the bank—”When is a man drowned but still not wet?”—so they attend to their appointment to pose for the marshmallow figures that will be atop the giant cake in Batman’s honor that has been baked.

But once they get on top of the cake, they discover that the cake is made of quicksand. Riddler goes off to Gotham Park to steal the rest of the money being given to Batman’s favorite charity for the anniversary. Belatedly, Robin realizes that quicksand is the answer to the riddle, as you drown in quicksand but never get wet.

They manage to calm themselves enough so that they “float” in the quicksand, then activate the rockets in their boots. But they’re too late to stop the Riddler from robbing the charity funds, which happens off camera.

Riddler’s latest clue is about an eagle’s nest, and Batman, Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara eventually figure out that he’s after Anthony Aquilla, a South American dictator living in exile in Gotham City, and who has a million dollars in his wall safe. Riddler could also be targeting a club called the Aerie, where many of Gotham’s elite wine and dine. Sending the cops to the Aerie, Batman and Robin proceed to Aquilla’s penthouse apartment. They arrive to find Riddler’s emptying the wall safe.

Fisticuffs ensue, but while the Dynamic Duo are triumphant, the Riddler has Aquilla in a deathtrap. Batman and Robin are forced to let Riddler escape while they save Aquilla.

Riddler gives the three million to Charm, who hands Riddler the demolecularizer—which looks like a cheap-ass flashlight, but can in fact disintegrate pretty much anything. Turns out he needs the three million to fund the creation of the remolecularizer, which will reverse the effects of what he just sold the Riddler.

Riddler instructs Gordon and Batman to meet him at the statue of Marshal Coley, one of Gotham’s war heroes, which Riddler then disintegrates to show off his new weapon. He threatens to make GCPD HQ disappear next, unless Gotham is declared an open city with all criminal statutes.

Another riddle is left with the ransom demand, which somehow Batman and Robin trace to the Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory. How almost doesn’t matter (it involves solving a riddle that every college student knows the answer to, yet it takes our heroes the better part of an hour to nail it, as well as assigning numbers to letters). Batman then orders Gordon to send 400 pounds of sodium dichloride—a nonexistent compound, by the way—to the Bat-copter. Meanwhile, Gordon has his bomb squad search the building for the means by which Riddler will destroy the building. They don’t find it, but Batman used the sodium dichloride to seed the clouds over Gotham to make lightning strike at GCPD HQ, thus shorting out the demolecularizer. Batman and Robin show up at the Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory where fisticuffs ensue.

After it’s all over, Charm returns the money, unable to stand having stolen charity money on his conscience.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! We get both the Bat-copter (once again using recycled movie footage) and the Bat-cycle, as well as Bat-breathing apparatus for the underwater fight. Oh, and supposedly Batman and Robin have rockets in their boots. This along with the springs and the bulletproof soles…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy cryptology,” is what Dick says when Gordon is all mysterious about why he calls. “Holy trampoline!” is what Robin on-the-noses when Riddler lands on a Gotham City Fire Department trampoline, decorated, of course, with a question mark. “Holy fork in the road,” Robin grumbles when they lose the Riddler’s escape vehicle. “Holy Titanic,” Robin puns as they sink into the quicksand. “Holy Houdini,” is what he cries when Riddler makes the Coley statue disappear.

Gotham City’s finest. Twice Batman comes up with two alternative answers to a Riddler conundrum. Twice, he sends Gordon and his men to one while he and Robin take the other. Twice, the one Batman goes to is the right one. Having said that, O’Hara manages to capture Riddler’s moll, Anna Gram, though not before she kicks Robin in the shin—which, don’t get me wrong, is fantastic.

Special Guest Villain. Frank Gorshin insisted on $5000 per one-hour episode, rather than the $2500 William Dozier was willing to pay, especially in the more budget-strapped second season. Having arrived at an impasse with Gorshin, they tried rewriting a Riddler script for the Puzzler, but that proved less than efficacious, so they instead re-cast the role with the former Gomez Addams, John Astin—having already cast his Morticia, Carolyn Jones, as Marsha Queen of Diamonds twice before this season.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“We know that the caked crusaders are defunct, departed, demised, dead!”

–Riddler being convinced that his quicksand cake killed the Dynamic Duo and also showing his love of alliteration.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 40 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum Jim Beard, editor of the essay collection Gotham City 14 Miles.

The Riddler flooding a bank and robbing it in scuba gear was inspired by the character’s very first appearance in Detective Comics #140 by Bill Finger and Dick Sprang.

Byron Keith returns as Mayor Linseed, last seen in front of the camera in “Deep Freeze.” He’ll be back in the third season’s “Nora Clavicle and the Ladies’ Crime Club.”

Professor Charm is played by Martin Kosleck, a German-born actor who has the odd distinction of having played the Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels five times between 1939 and 1962.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “You want me to pay three million dollars for an eighty-nine-cent pencil flashlight?” I try very hard not to hold this episode against John Astin. It’s really not his fault that he had to fill Frank Gorshin’s silly purple boots, and that’s just asking too much of anyone. Had Astin been cast as the Riddler from jump, his sardonic turn as the prince of puzzles might have worked, but coming after Gorshin made such an indelible mark on the part, practically redefining it forevermore, there was just nothing he could do. It didn’t help that he played Riddler more or less the same way he played Gomez Addams, which just made it even more frustrating.

It additionally didn’t help that the script—the only one by line producer William D’Angelo—just goes through the motions. The whole thing with Batman’s anniversary celebration starts out promising, but it’s just the excuse for a bunch of heists. Having the thefts all be of money people are giving to Batman’s favorite charity should make the stakes more personal for the Caped Crusader, but that never even seems to affect Batman. Hell, we never even find out what the charity is!

It’s funny, “The Puzzles are Coming” / “The Duo is Slumming” feels like a hastily rewritten Riddler episode, and this one feels like a hastily rewritten Puzzler episode. They’d have been better off either (a) creating another new villain for Astin or (b) having Astin be the new Puzzler or (c) just bringing Maurice Evans back. I get wanting to use the Riddler, given that he was the most popular villain in the first season and movie, but it isn’t the character that made villain popular, it was the actor, and the story suffers without him.

Not that there isn’t plenty of suffering to go ’round. Deanna Lund is wasted as Anna Gram, Riddler’s moll, who has nothing to do until the very end, when she kicks Robin in the shin—which, I say again, is fantastic, but it’s too little too late. The underwater fight scene in “Batman’s Anniversary” is a good concept, but the execution falls apart—slowing down the theme music doesn’t do it any favors, and the amusement value of the languid underwater punches and kicks (not to mention the sound effects that float up to the surface) wears off after about four and a half seconds.

And you have to wonder what it is about villains stealing money to buy things when they should just steal the thing. We saw this with Catwoman and now again with the Riddler. It’s just silly.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be appearing at Intervention 7 this weekend, alongside actors Rene Auberjonois, Robert Axelrod, Gigi Edgley, Todd Haberkorn, Alex Kingston, Juliet Landau, Jon St. John, and Dwight Schultz; fellow authors David Gerrold and John Peel; musicians Thomas Dolby and Ego Likeness; director Rachel Talalay; and tons more, including cartoonists, filmmakers, bloggers, bellydancers, etc. Keith will have a table where he’ll be signing and selling books, and will also be doing lots of programming, including an Author Spotlight Sunday at 9am where he’ll be reading from one of his upcoming works of fiction. Check out his full schedule here.

“The Joker’s Last Laugh” / “The Joker’s Epitaph”
Written by Peter Rabe and Lorenzo Semple Jr.
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 47 and 48
Production code 9747
Original air dates: February 15 and 16, 1967

The Bat-signal: The Gotham City bank is providing counterfeit $100 bills for withdrawal, which results in law-abiding citizens passing fake money. The bills are perfect on one side, but blank on the other. Haunted by the insanity of the crime—and Joker’s laughter, which is echoing in Gordon’s office from an indeterminate source—Gordon and O’Hara call Batman, which interrupts Dick’s economics homework, to the boy’s delight and Bruce’s chagrin. (Bruce waxes rhapsodic about how awesome the subject of economics is, a diatribe that could only come from someone independently wealthy…)

The Joker’s laughter continues to echo in Gordon’s office, but Batman’s able to track the chortling to a speaker in Gordon’s cufflink, which is receiving from an antenna in Gordon’s trouser leg. Gordon insists that it must have gotten there from a weird person he bumped into on the subway, though how he got access to Gordon’s pants is a question best left unanswered on a network TV show in 1967…

At his headquarters in the former offices of Penthouse Publishing (really!), a publisher of comic books (really!!!), Joker tests two of his robots—really super-strong androids named Yock and Boff, whom Joker constructed in jail. A third robot, Glee, is working as a teller in the bank, and has been passing the counterfeit cash. Batman and Robin determine that he’s a robot (by telling what Robin describes as a “super-funny” joke (which is in fact, not even remotely funny (and even if it was, Batman and Robin told it so incredibly badly that no one would laugh at it anyhow)) and when Glee doesn’t respond, it “proves” that he’s a robot) and then they tweak his nose, which somehow makes his head explode. Sure.

They take Glee to the Batcave, though not before Batman makes some snippy remarks to the bank president on the subject of better vetting his tellers, a statement he feels that bank chair Bruce Wayne would echo. Indeed.

The Dynamic Duo toss Glee into the trunk and drive off, but Joker has a tracer on Glee, so he and his moll Josie hop into the Jokemobile and track him. However Batman knows there’s a tracker, so he deflects the signal to a decoy Batcave entrance, sending the Jokemobile there while he and Robin proceed to the real Batcave.

Batman and Robin analyze Glee, but find nothing useful. However, Alfred points out that the sleeves on Glee’s outfit were pressed unusually hard, and there are odd spots on them, which turn out to be printer’s ink, and in colors that would only be used in comic books. They discover that Penthouse was recently sold to W.C. Whiteface—a nom du plume for the Joker, though I mostly find myself wondering if the W.C. is supposed to refer to W.C. Fields or to the European abbreviation for a bathroom, a.k.a. a water closet.

They don’t have sufficient proof for an arrest, so Bruce Wayne shows up at Penthouse, pretending to be destitute, having played the stock market poorly. He noticed that Penthouse’s comics are printed using the same ink as the U.S. Treasury—and he offers “Mr. Whiteface” the position of vice chair of the board of the Gotham National Bank in exchange for providing Bruce with counterfeit currency to pay his newly acquired debts.

However, as Joker fires up the presses, Bruce signals Robin, who comes in the window. He “calls” Batman, saying he found Joker while on a routine crime patrol, and then fisticuffs ensue. Bruce tries to “help,” but his faux clumsiness just helps Robin do better in the fight (as planned), so Joker flicks the switch labelled “ROBOT SUPER STRENGTH LAST OUNCE OF ENERGY” to the “ON” side, and the robots are able to take Robin down. He’s tied to the comic book printing press, and to ensure no double cross, Joker has his robots force Bruce to pull the lever that will smush Robin.

However, Alfred has been in reserve, dressed in a Batman costume, and he Bat-climbs to the scene and tosses bat-gas, which drives Joker, Josie, Boff, and Yock off. (Bruce tries to follow in his role as Joker’s pretend accomplice, but is left behind.) Joker’s counterfeit operation is now a bust, but Bruce fears that he’ll wreak more havoc, as Joker made off with the document Bruce had prepared that made “W.C. Whiteface” the vice chair of the board of the bank.

Batman and Robin check on the bank, but while Boff and Yock are now tellers, there’s no odd activity. However, Joker announces that he’s going to visit Bruce Wayne on a business matter, so the Dynamnic Duo zip home and change back into their civvies.

Joker recorded Bruce “confessing” to speculating and soliciting illegal behavior from Joker. He tries to use the tape to get Bruce to kill Batman and Robin, but when he refuses, he goes for Plan B: forcing Bruce to marry Josie, with a three million dollar dowry. Joker even announces it on the society pages. Gordon and O’Hara are outraged; they try the bat-phone, but Batman’s public statement is that Bruce Wayne is an adult and can make his own decisions. Undaunted, Gordon gets the GCPD psychiatrist, Dr. Floyd, to declare Bruce mentally incompetent, suffering from second childhood syndrome (snorfle), which will enable them to negate his appointment of Joker to the bank board.

Meanwhile, Batman dopes out Glee’s controls and activates him in the name of justice. (Really!) He’s able to transmit instructions to Boff and Yock through Glee, but before he can implement the rest of his plan, O’Hara shows up with the lunatic squad and takes Bruce away in a straitjacket. Alfred is forced to once again don the bat-suit, and he and Robin head out in the Batmobile to track down the van that is taking Bruce to Happy Acres. They free Bruce—in total violation of a legitimate court order—and head to the bank, where Gordon is alerting Joker to the illegitimacy of his post as vice chair. Then Glee shows up and declares that Josie is his wife, just as Batman and Robin enter and accuse Joker of promoting bigamy.

Then Boff and Yock try to rob the customers, at which point Joker manages to take control of their programming once again. Fisticuffs ensue, and our heroes somehow manage to be triumphant despite the fact that three of the foes are super-strong. As he puts the Bat-cuffs on Josie, she asks him to apologize to Bruce, saying it might have been fun.

Floyd examines Bruce and declares him to be mentally competent once more. Floyd also expresses a desire to some day examine Die Fleidermaus Mensch.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman has a laugh-track detector, which must be handy to determine which sitcoms are filming before a studio audience and which has canned laughter. The Bat-deflector can deflect the signal of a tracer and lead it instead to a fake miniature Batcave entrance, complete with a sign under it that says, “LAUGH, CRIMINALS, LAUGH!” (Batman can be one nasty sumbitch when he puts his mind to it, can’t he?) He looks over Glee with the Integro-Differential Robot Analyzer (why it’s modified with the nonsense term “integro-differential” rather than the more traditional “bat” is left as an exercise for the viewer), which is later hooked up to the Robot Control Device. The Bat-spot analyzer can tell you what any spot is made of. The utility belt comes equipped not only with bat-gas, but also a bat-fan that will disperse it.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon hearing Joker’s cackling on police HQ, Dick grabs his own elbow and says, “Holy funny bone, the Joker!” Upon realizing the lengths to which Joker went to plant a mini-loudspeaker and an antenna on Gordon’s person, Robin mutters, “Holy chutzpah!” thus injecting a much-appreciated dose of Yiddish to the proceedings. When he observes Glee counting money, he says, “Holy precision,” and when he discovers Glee has a tracker he says, “Holy hunting horn.” When they examine Glee, he enthuses, “Holy clockworks,” and when can’t find any useful clues on the robot, he grumbles, “Holy dead end.” When Bruce reveals that Joker is now the vice chair of the bank board, Robin aghasts, “Holy bankruptcy!” When the bank president says that Joker has the bank running at “apple pie order,” Robin’s response is “Holy stomachache.” When Bruce is forced to marry Josie, Robin envies, “Holy madness.” When Batman proposes taking control of Glee, Robin on-the-noses, “Holy remote controlled robot,” and then when Batman revives the artificial person, he just-as-on-the-noses, “Holy Frankenstein!” Upon the “revelation” that Glee is Josie’s “husband,” Robin jokes, “Holy wedding cake.”

Gotham City’s finest. Stymied by Batman’s unwillingness to help Gordon put Bruce Wayne away (for obvious reasons), Gordon is left to function on his own, which would seem to be dangerous, but dammit if he doesn’t actually take sensible action here, as declaring Bruce incompetent is a clever stratagem for getting Joker away from the bank.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Josie takes great pleasure in smooching Bruce, and promises to be faithful to him in her own way. (Cough.) Meanwhile, agreeing to marry a woman with a rap sheet is deemed sufficient to inter Bruce in a funny farm. Okay then.

Special Guest Villain. Back as the Joker is Cesar Romero, last seen in “The Penguin Declines.” He’ll be back in the season’s penultimate storyline, “Pop Goes the Joker” / “Flop Goes the Joker.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Once again, we take our poor cracked pitcher to the Caped Crusader’s well.”

–Truer words, Commissioner, truer words.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 41 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, independent filmmaker and graphic designer Robert Long.

Two of Joker’s henchfolk have a Star Trek connection: Mr. Glee is played by Lawrence Montaigne, who played Decius in “Balance of Terror” and Stonn in “Amok Time” (he was also being groomed as a possible replacement for Leonard Nimoy as Spock if contract negotiations broke down between seasons one and two); and Josie is played by Phyllis Douglas, who played Yeoman Mears in “The Galileo Seven” and one of the space hippies in “The Way to Eden.”

Lorenzo Semple’s script is based on a story by crime novelist Peter Rabe. It’s Rabe’s only time writing for the screen—perhaps he was traumatized by Alan Napier doing a bat-climb. Rabe met Semple while the former was in Spain recovering from an illness.

The Jokemobile is a reuse of the “Mongrel T” roadster created for the Elvis Presley movie Easy Come, Easy Go.

The use of Penthouse as the name of the publisher Joker takes over is a bit jaw-dropping to modern eyes, but while the erotic magazine of the same name debuted in 1965, it didn’t start being published in the U.S. until 1969, so it’s probably a coincidence that it has the same name. Probably. (Having said that, there was a Penthouse Comix magazine in the 1990s…)

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “It’s sometimes difficult to think clearly when you’re strapped to a printing press.” So first Joker nails time travel, and now he’s mastered robotics, to the point where he’s created humanform androids (inaccurately referred to as “robots”). You gotta wonder, if he’s this kind of scientific genius, why he’s bothering to commit petty crimes, y’know, ever? I mean, it could just be that he’s nuts, though this iteration of the Joker is far saner than most of the other screen versions.

Also, how does the W.C. Whiteface identity hold up in any way? I mean, Gordon knows he’s really the Joker and it’s not a nom du plume, so why can’t he remove him as vice chair of the bank that way? Unless his real name is legally W.C. Whiteface. (Beats the heck out of “Jack Napier,” if you ask me…) And Bruce gets committed solely on the basis of getting engaged to a criminal? And he’s declared mentally sane because he has good reflexes? Buh?

Anyhow, this is all minor stuff that’s mostly just a fun hour. It’s not a top episode or anything, but it’s just fun to watch and doesn’t make you want to beat your head against the wall. I love the fact that Batman has a miniature Batcave entrance (labelled, of course, because this is Gotham) for the express purpose of trolling the bad guys. I love that Batman’s plan doesn’t entirely work (well, it mostly does—he does end the counterfeiting), and has the unintended consequence of putting Joker in charge of personnel at the bank. I love that Alfred has to pretend to be Batman, not once, but twice, and he gets to do a bat-climb! (Take that, Sean Pertwee!) I love the glee with which Phyllis Douglas plays Josie—not the best of the molls, but definitely in the upper echelon. I love watching Bruce pretend to be a klutz in order to “help” Joker by really helping Robin. I love that the GCPD, left to their own devices, actually approaches competence for once. (Though I was disappointed to see that Gordon didn’t participate in the bat-fight at the end, staying on the sidelines with Josie. He’s a trained cop for crying out loud!) And I love that Batman is a paragon of virtue and law-abiding-ness right up until the part where Bruce is put in a straitjacket and placed in an insane asylum, at which point he has no problem with Alfred and Robin violating a court order to illegally free Bruce from the paddy wagon.

Basically, this is the perfect episode to toss into the DVD player if you want to watch a Batman ’66 episode that has all the usual craziness (including a most impressive selection of Bat-gadgets) without the plot howlers to drive you, er, batty. It’s even got a decent cliffhanger, and one that relates to the original format Batman debuted in!

Bat-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido reminds everyone that Book 2 of his “Tales of Asgard” trilogy, Marvel’s Sif: Even Dragons Have Their Endings, is available for preorder from the fine folks at Amazon. It’ll be released in mid-November. And you can still get Book 1, Marvel’s Thor: Dueling with Giants at finer bookstores and online dealers.

“Catwoman Goes to College” / “Batman Displays His Knowledge”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Robert Sparr
Season 2, Episodes 49 and 50
Production code 9747
Original air dates: February 22 and 23, 1967

The Bat-signal: Catwoman, currently incarcerated at Gotham State Penitentiary (and still in costume, albeit with her prisoner number on a sticker over her heart), is brought to Warden Crichton’s office to meet with the warden and Bruce to be informed that she’s been granted parole on the condition that Bruce be her parole officer. She then declares that she owes her career as a criminal to her being a dropout, so she enrolls in Gotham City University.

Not long after she matriculates, three guys steal the life-size statue of Batman that’s on campus. Gordon wouldn’t normally bother Batman with what’s probably a prank, but given that it’s the Caped Crusader’s graven image, they call, and he answers.

While it might be a prank or a hazing ritual or some such, Batman fears a more sinister motive, as the statue is made from a cast of Batman’s body and the costume an exact plaster replica of his. (Why Batman allowed such a thing is left as an exercise for the viewer.) The only clue to the perpetrator is the first-year beanie left behind. It’s not much of a clue, as there are 5700 male first-years at GCU, and 3127 of them wear a beanie of that size. Batman finds a strand of red hair in the beanie, one totally missed by GCPD’s forensics team. He takes it with him to the Batcave.

Catwoman meets with the three Bat-statue thieves in the basement of the Eta Beta Lotka sorority house. Using the statue as a guide, Catwoman has sewn a Bat-costume, and one of her henchmen can do a perfect impersonation of Batman. He tries on the Batsuit, and even fools Catwoman for a moment. (Though none of them notice that he’s put on the utility belt upside down…)

Batman and Robin are guest lecturers for the Elementary Criminology class, which both Catwoman and the henchman who lost his beanie attend. They say that they catch more criminals in the bat-lab than they do in the field (which is categorically not true), and Batman provides the findings on the strand of hair they found in the beanie: it belongs to a man who is six feet, one and three-quarter inches in height, is 36 years old, has flat feet, a deep voice, and hay fever—in other words, a perfect description of the henchman. He legs it, and Catwoman causes the bell to ring prematurely. Nobody comments on the fact that the class is only two minutes long (at first, anyhow—Robin mentions it later), and then Catwoman contrives to get a moment alone with Batman. They share a milkshake in the school cafeteria, and she says she wants to work alongside Batman when she graduates.

Their cat-a-tete is interrupted by Batman’s arrest for robbing a supermarket (actually committed by the Bat-disguised henchman). He’s arrested by Captain Courageous (really!), an L.A. cop in Gotham on an exchange program, who doesn’t realize that Batman is (a) a superhero and (b) a close personal friend of Courageous’s new boss. He has Batman call the law firm of “Alfred and Alfred,” and the butler shows up in the prison cell as “Serge Tort,” who specializes in felonies, misdemeanors, and overtime parking tickets. While they pretend to have a lawyerly conversation, they trade clothes and make Bruce up to look like Alfred.

Bruce heads home and leaves Alfred behind. Courageous gloats to Gordon about the joker named Batman that he threw in jail, and Gordon tears him a new one. Meanwhile, O’Hara has informed Gordon of a spontaneous sit-in being planned in Chimes Square by a bunch of GCU students, led by Catwoman. Gordon informs Bruce, as Catwoman’s PO, and then calls Batman to let him know—but, of course, he already knows, which Gordon, being particularly stupid, chalks up to Batman’s brilliance rather than he himself informing the guy he just talked to on the phone with the same voice a few minutes earlier.

According to the bat-calendar, there are half a dozen cat-related events, any one of which could be her ultimate goal. They attend her protest, and keep the craziness at bay, so Catwoman heads to the roof of the Chimes Building. Batman and Robin follow, and fisticuffs ensue on the roof. The henchmen are taken care of, but Catwoman pretends to cry as cover to gas them with her atomizer.

There’s a mechanical ad for Crespies Coffee on the roof, which pours coffee into a cup every minute. Catwoman has replaced the coffee with sulfuric acid—let’s see if they can taste the difference!

Our heroes escape by taking advantage of the first few drops of acid that trickle down before the gush to burn through Batman’s ropes, then he uses his batarang to hit the master switch and turn the ad off.

(As they’re escaping, Robin expresses amazement at all these life-threatening scrapes they keep getting into and getting out of, almost as if someone was dreaming up the scenarios and controlling their destiny. Batman poo-poohs this as something that only happens in the movies. “This is real life.”)

Catwoman robs the sale of a selection of Batagonian catseye opals, which is exactly what Batman planned. The villain herself goes to French Freddy’s Fencing Academy and meets in the back room (helpfully labelled with a sign that reads, “BACK ROOM”) to meet with the proprietor, Freddy Touché, who is a fence. (Get it?????) But the catseye opals are too hot, Freddy won’t touch them.

Our heroes also go to Freddy, as he’s the most likely fence for the opals, but he claims he’s out of the game. (Batman also totally kicks his ass in a duel.) Freddy goes to Catwoman to let her know that Batman’s alive. Catwoman herself has had no luck fencing the opals, so Freddy suggests turning them in for the reward—but then Freddy examines the opals and discovers they’re fakes—which is why Batman was okay with Catwoman stealing them, as he’s the one who had them replaced with fakes.

Catwoman sends a message saying she’ll surrender herself, but only to Batman at a suburban real estate development. She tries flirting with him, which almost works, until she suggests killing Robin. And, of course, it was all bullshit (catshit?), as she was wearing deadly perfume. But Batman suspected she’d try that and wore noseplugs. So Catwoman goes for Plan B, which is to sic her henchmen on him. But then Robin shows up, so the odds are a bit more even, and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes are victorious, and Catwoman goes back to prison, having destroyed Crichton’s faith in his rehabilitation methods.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman keeps a pair of tweezers (which, surprisingly, have no chriopteric accoutrements) in his utility belt. He also has an electronic hair bat-analyzer that is more sophisticated than anything in the GCPD lab (or, indeed, anything that exists even now five decades later…). Alfred brings the Bat-makeup kit which is able to make Bruce look just like Alfred. The Bat-calendar provides punch cards that give out salient information on happenings of the day that relate to their crime fight du jour. The Bat-syllable device creates phonemes in Bruce’s voice when Alfred types them in, allowing “Bruce” to talk on the phone with Gordon while Batman is also in Gordon’s office. The Well Known Criminals File provides information on, er, ah, well-known criminals…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Captain Courageous identifies himself as being from Los Angeles, Robin grumbles, “Holy Hollywood.” When Bruce knows the bat-phone is going to buzz with the news of the Chimes Square sit-in, Dick utters, “Holy crystal ball!” When they’re trapped in the coffee ad, Robin cries, “Holy caffeine!” Upon learning of the theft of the catseye opals, Robin yells, “Holy bijoux!” (Batman helpfully informs the audience that “bijoux” is French for “jewels,” so we can all see how really clever Robin is.) When Freddy offers Batman fencing lessons, Robin sneers, “Holy Zorro, don’t you know that Batman is the finest fencer in the country?” When Batman predicts that Catwoman will deliver a message to Gordon two seconds before that message arrives, Robin cries, “Holy hypotheses!”

Gotham City’s finest. While hair analysis was still a burgeoning field in the late 1960s, it was established enough that any competent cop or police scientist would have seen the red hair in the beanie and taken it for analysis. However, as we all know, Gotham City has no competent cops or police scientists….

They’re also doing an exchange program with Los Angeles, with LAPD Captain Courageous working for the GCPD. (I’d love to see O’Hara sent to L.A.) Oh, and Gordon apparently has had his suspicions that Batman is really Bruce, but after hearing the incredibly convincing and not at all robotic and awkward Bat-syllable device pretending to be Bruce and not at all Alfred typing, Gordon happily declares that theory to be ludicrous. As always, whenever Gordon is being dense, O’Hara has to double down and be even denser, as he scoffs at the very notion of a millionaire playboy being Batman.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Catwoman tries to use her feminine wiles on Batman, and it almost works. In a rare bit of good sense, Robin follows Batman in secret, holding himself in reserve in case Batman succumbed to Catwoman’s charms. Robin himself is immune, as he proudly declares himself to be too young for that sort of thing.

Special Guest Villainess. Julie Newmar makes what turns out to be her final appearance on the series as Catwoman, but also her tenth and eleventh appearances in the second season, making her most prolific villain of the middle portion of the show’s run. Even with only two first-season episodes to her credit and not appearing in the third season, Newmar’s thirteen total episodes makes her the series’ third most prolific villain, following Cesar Romero and Burgess Meredith with 23 and 22, respectively.

Just as her unavailability for the movie saw her replaced with Lee Meriwether, her unavailability for the third season, due to filming the movie Mackenna’s Gold, would lead to her being replaced again, this time by Eartha Kitt. However, Newmar will return to the role in voice form in the forthcoming animated special Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (which will also feature Adam West and Burt Ward as the voices of Batman and Robin, and which will be reviewed by your humble rewatcher, worry not).

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Commissioner, the Batman’s escaped! Tied up a lawyer and walked out in disguise!”

“Ha ha ha, good old Batman! No jail can hold him, not even ours. He’s probably at the Batcave already.”

–Courageous being shocked and Gordon being appallingly blasé about an alleged hero breaking out of jail, especially since his arrest was perfectly kosher.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 42 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, “View from the Longbox‘s” Michael Bailey.

The window cameo is Art Linkletter, looking for subjects for his People are Funny show, but he’s having trouble finding anyone in Gotham City who is strange, ha ha ha.

Captain Courageous is played by Stanley Adams, probably best known as Cyrano Jones in the historic Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles” (as well as the animated sequel, “More Tribbles, More Troubles“). Amber Forever, the woman selling the catseye opals, is played by Whitney Blake, who would go on to co-create the classic sitcom One Day at a Time. The hay-fever-suffering henchman is played by Sheldon Allmann, who is better known for his musical talents, having composed the theme to George of the Jungle, as well as music for Space Patrol, Let’s Make a Deal, and Masquerade Party, and he was also Mr. Ed‘s singing voice. And David Lewis makes his final appearance of the season as Crichton; he’ll be back in another Catwoman story, her team-up with the Joker in “The Funny Feline Felonies.”

Catwoman’s henchmen are named Cornell, Penn, and Brown, all names of universities.

The New York references are fast and furious in this one: Chimes Square (Times Square), Gotham City Square Garden (Madison Square Garden), Avenue of the Armenians (Avenue of the Americas), Spay Stadium (Shea Stadium), and Norchester (Westchester).

Bruce mentions that he has met Catwoman, which seems to be a reference to the movie, which is the only other time Catwoman has interacted with Bruce.

The model house where Batman and Catwoman have their final interaction is the same set used for Brit Reid’s home in The Green Hornet.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “I can give you more happiness than anyone in the world.” A disappointing swan song for Julie Newmar that is only watchable because of her. A lot of good ideas are thrown against the wall here, but the script doesn’t even wait around to see if they stick or not. The idea of a fake Batman is an intriguing one that almost nothing is done with. Batman breaks out of jail, and not only are there no consequences, no reluctance, no moralizing, but Gordon actually laughs about it!

Catwoman going to college would seem to provide an opportunity for some hijinks—and possibly some Horse Feathers-style satire, to lampoon college life the way “Hizzoner the Penguin”/”Dizzoner the Penguin” lampooned politics or “Penguin Sets a Trend” lampooned the military—but, again, nothing is done with it once the premise is thrown out there. And Robin lampshading the repetitive nature of the cliffhangers does nothing to make the cliffhangers less repetitive in general, nor anything to make this one less lame in particular.

There’s a lot of unkosher behavior from Batman here, starting with his using his influence to get himself assigned as Catwoman’s parole officer, a maneuver that also has no effect on the plot whatsoever, then his breaking out of jail despite being legally arrested, and then his almost succumbing to Catwoman’s fake flirting. Speaking of that fake flirting, it’s almost the exact same thing we got at the end of “Scat! Darn Catwoman,” down to Batman almost being willing to go along with Catwoman’s proposal (ahem) until she casually mentions killing Robin.

The one thing Stanley Ralph Ross’s script does right is give Newmar ample opportunity to work her charm, her wit, her slink, her gestures, and her superb comic timing. Points also to the Eta Beta Lotka sorority (I think everyone should eat a better latke), to the superb comedic work by Jacques Bergerac as Freddy the Fence (the visual gag of him using the fencing mask to strain his pasta is epic), and to Stanley Adams for making us wish they’d cast him as O’Hara instead of Stafford Repp.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido is one of the two Author Guests of Honor at EerieCon 18 in Grand Island, New York this coming weekend, alongside Victor Gischler. Other guests include authors Erik Buchanan, Sèphera Girón, Derwin Mak, Michael Martineck, John-Allen Price, Darrell Schweitzer, Shirley Meier, and Mason Winfield; scientists David DeGraff and David Stephenson; poet David Clink; game developers Lynn Merrill and Alex Pantaleev; and many more. Keith will be doing a Q&A, various panels and presentations, and a reading. Keep an eye on his blog for the full schedule.

“A Piece of the Action” / “Batman’s Satisfaction”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 51 and 52
Production code 9751
Original air dates: March 1 and 2, 1967

The Bat-signal: The Green Hornet and Kato arrive at midnight at the Pink Chip Stamp Factory. The factory foreman, Colonel Gumm, is having a midnight snack of alphabet soup, which is interrupted by their arrival, and fisticuffs briefly ensue before the masked men depart. Kato questions their early departure, but the Hornet says they have what they need—this is definitely the counterfeit stamp ring they’ve been looking for, and they can wrap it up tomorrow.

In the morning, the factory’s owner, Pinky Pinkston—who has pink hair and a pink dog—calls Gordon to report the break-in by the Hornet and Kato (against Gumm’s better judgment). Gordon immediately calls Batman, interrupting Bruce, Dick, and Harriet messing with Bruce’s stamp collection. As Bruce goes to the study to answer the Bat-phone, Britt Reid, the Hornet’s secret ID, calls Wayne Manor’s main phone and speaks to Harriet. He wants to get together with Bruce while he’s in town for the newspaper publisher’s convention. Harriet sends Alfred to tell Bruce, and Bruce tells Alfred to say he’ll call Reid back.

Bruce has a lunch date with Pinkston. Reid also wants a date with her, but this is the only day he’s free, so Pinskton—who enjoys a good rivalry—invites him to come along as well.

Batman, Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara speculate about why the Hornet might be in town, and in particular why he might target the Pink Chip Stamp Factory. One possibility is a rare stamp owned by Pinkston’s father, Pincus Pinkston, which has been missing since he died.

They’re interrupted by Reid’s arrival. Reid expresses shock—shock!—that the Hornet’s in town.

Gumm plans to rob the International Stamp Exhibition in a few days, which will allow him to give up this counterfeiting and retire rich. Pinkston arrives down her private staircase (handily labelled with a sign that says “Miss Pinkston’s Private Staircase”), and Gumm urges the henchmen to “Look busy—and honest!” She has learned that the intruders from the previous night are the Green Hornet and Kato. (But didn’t she already know that? If not, how did Gordon know to tell Batman that it was the Hornet?)

The Batcomputer fails to help with identifying the Hornet and Kato because it doesn’t have a dual identity bat-sensor. And they have to go off to their civilian responsibilities—Bruce to have lunch with Reid and Pinkston, Dick to his French tutoring.

The lunch is held at the Gotham Hampshire Hotel, where a lingerie show is going on for whatever reason. After Pinkston goes off to give her pink dog Apricot a pedicure, the two millionaires head to Sevaroff’s Stamp Shop, as both of them have stamps in their collections that they think might be fake. Throughout the lunch, Gumm has been eavesdropping while disguised as an older British gentleman.

Boris Sevaroff, the owner of Sevaroff’s Stamp Shop, is also Gumm in disguise, and he assures Bruce that the stamp he bought is genuine. But the concern over the possible fakery means he needs to up his timetable.

However, Pinkston overhears the henchmen talking to Gumm, and upon the latter’s return to the factory, she confronts him, and he imprisons her in his office.

The Hornet and Kato head out to deal with Gumm. Hornet saw through Gumm’s disguise as Sevaroff, and plans to put the counterfeit ring out of business. However, since the world sees them as criminals, he’s worried that they’ll cross paths with Batman and Robin. Not wanting to harm a fellow hero, even if he doesn’t know Hornet’s a good guy, he puts his Hornet sting on half-power.

Both the Batmobile and the Black Beauty arrive at the Pink Chip Stamps Factory. Batman and Robin observe the Hornet and Kato confront Gumm. Hornet asks to be cut in on the action in exchange for not revealing Gumm’s disguise as Sevaroff. Gumm pretends to play along, but then shoves the faux criminals into the Enlarged Perforating and Coiling Machine. Batman and Robin burst in, then, and fisticuffs ensue. However, Batman and Robin are stuck to an undetachable glue pad (handily labelled, “UNDETACHABLE GLUE PAD”), and they’re stuck (literally!) watching the Enlarged Perforating and Coiling Machine flatten the Hornet and Kato and turn them into life-sized stamps—with Batman and Robin next!

However, when Gumm dissolves the glue, our heroes punch their way to freedom, and loosen a panel enough for the Hornet and Kato—still alive inside the machine, it turns out—to blast out with the Hornet sting. Gumm and his henchmen get away, packing their counterfeit stamps in a truck and using Pinkston as a hostage.

Batman, Robin, Hornet, and Kato stand around and babble for no compellingly good reason before the Hornet and Kato leave and Batman and Robin follow, hoping to catch the other masked men in the commission of an actual crime.

When she was Gumm’s hostage, Pinkston fed Apricot from Gumm’s precious supply of alphabet soup. Batman, noticing that the J’s, Q’s, and Z’s are missing from the bowl, decides, somehow, that Pinkston left a message for him, so he collects the soup and he and Robin try to decipher what message Pinkston might have left.

That detective work is interrupted by Reid arriving at Wayne Manor for a visit. Batman leaves Robin to continue working on the soup puzzle while Bruce and Reid worry about Pinkston, who hasn’t answered her phone anywhere. The two childhood friends talk about painting the town red like they did in the old days.

Since Robin has no luck deciphering the alphabet soup, Batman feeds the noodles straight into the Batcomputer (because that’s totally how computers work!), which reveals the contents of her note, saying that she was kidnapped by Gumm and to find her at the stamp show.

Apricot manages to gnaw through the ropes that keep Pinkston tied to a chair, allowing her to escape Gumm’s clutches. Before she did so, however, Gumm boasts that he believes Reid to be Batman and Bruce to be the Hornet. Pinkston immediately goes to Gordon and O’Hara to share this intelligence, which the cops find difficult to credit.

Gumm arrives at the stamp exhibition disguised as an Argentinian stamp collector, Senor Barbosa. The Hornet and Kato sneak into the exhibition, as do Batman and Robin. Fisticuffs ensue, with the four guys in masks beating up on Gumm and his three henchmen and also on each other. Once Gumm and his people are down, Batman faces the Hornet while Robin faces Kato.

Before the fight can continue, Gumm manages to take Pinkston hostage, getting close by pretending to be Barbosa. Batman and Robin manage to stop him by sneaking up behind him, and the Hornet and Kato get away in the confusion.

Pinkston again has lunch with Reid and Bruce. She shares the hypothesis that Reid is Batman and Bruce is the Hornet. Bruce goes off to make a phone call, having Alfred call Gordon on the bat-phone, then having Gordon call Pinkston at the hotel. Gordon holds the phones against each other, as does Alfred, and yet somehow everyone hears each other clearly as Batman thanks Pinkston for her help in capturing Gumm and driving the Hornet out of town. This convinces Pinkston that Batman and Reid aren’t one and the same, and everyone has a good laugh.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Batcomputer has an ingestor switch—which proves handy when they feed the alphabet soup noodles into it—but does not have a dual identity bat-sensor. Batman carries an empty alphabet soup bat-container (complete with funnel) and a small broom and spatula in his utility belt.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When our heroes realize that they don’t have a dual-identity bat-sensor in the Batcomputer, Robin grumbles, “Holy oversight!” When Hornet and Kato arrive just after Batman and Robin do at the stamp factory, Robin mutters, “Holy split second!” When he’s stuck to the undetachable glue pad, Robin cries, “Holy flypaper, Batman!” When Gum reveals the Green Hornet stamp, Robin sneers, “Holy human collector’s item!” When Hornet and Kato turn out to be alive in the Enlarged Perforated and Coiling Machine, Robin says, “Holy living end!” When Batman notices that the J’s, Q’s, and Z’s are missing from Apricot’s bowl of alphabet soup, Robin on-the-noses, “Holy uncanny photographic mental processes!” (Yes, he really said that!!!!) When Batman proposes the possibility that the Hornet is actually a crimefighter, Robin scoffs, “Holy unlikelihood.”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon and O’Hara are shocked at the notion that Reid could be Batman and Bruce could be the Hornet. They also totally fail to stop Gumm from kidnapping Pinkston literally right under their noses.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. The lingerie models flirt with both Bruce and Reid (one offers her name to Reid, the other her phone number to Bruce), while the men both flirt with Pinkston, who enjoys the attention from them both.

Also at one point Batman says, “I smell pink.” Yeah, we’ll just let that one go…

Special Guest Villain. Roger C. Carmel plays Gumm, but for the first time in the show’s history, there is no special guest villain credit in the opening, as poor Carmel is relegated to the closing credits only, not even listed as “special guest villain,” but just another guest star, albeit with single-screen billing. Carmel was a master comedic character actor, probably best known for playing Harry Mudd in two live–action episodes of Star Trek, as well as one animated episode.

Instead, Van Williams and Bruce Lee get billed as “Visiting Hero” and “Assistant Visiting Hero.” They both wandered across the lot from The Green Hornet to appear on this show in an endeavor to boost the flagging ratings of the Hornet’s own show. It didn’t work, and The Green Hornet tragically only lasted the one season.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“It’s a good thing they’re on our side, even though they don’t know it.”

“It’s a good thing those guys aren’t in town every week.”

–Kato and Robin being all cutesy and meta.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 43 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Justin Michael, host of Batman: The Animated Podcast.

This episode crosses over with William Dozier’s other ABC show that season, The Green Hornet. Also adapting a masked hero for the TV screen, The Green Hornet had a similar feel to Batman, though it was a bit darker and was played much more straight. The show never caught on, not being campy enough to draw in the Bat-crowd and not having enough mainstream appeal to be popular. Indeed, this crossover was done to try to bolster Hornet‘s anemic ratings, but Batman was having ratings issues of its own, and it didn’t help. The show was cancelled after a season.

The Green Hornet‘s primary claim to fame was to introduce the United States to legendary martial artist Bruce Lee. Lee would go on to become arguably the most famous martial artist in history, having pioneered his own style, Jeet Kune Do. He’s generally considered responsible for the martial arts craze in the 1970s, both in film and in real life. Lee’s popularity sparked a lot of interest in Asian martial arts in this country, leading to several styles, particularly from Japan, China, and Korea, working their way over here.

The Green Hornet originated as a radio drama in the 1930s, and had previously been adapted to movie serials, comic books, and kids’ novels. In the years since, he’s continued to appear in prose and comics, as well as a feature film in 2011.

This is the third time the Hornet and Kato have been seen or referenced on Batman, and the three aren’t compatible. The Hornet and Kato were the window cameo in “The Spell of Tut,” in which Batman and Robin treat them like fellow heroes, and then Bruce and Dick sit down to watch The Green Hornet TV show in “The Impractical Joker.”

In 2014, DC published a companion miniseries to Batman ’66 entitled Batman ’66 Meets the Green Hornet, by Kevin Smith, Ralph Garman, & Ty Templeton, which was a sequel to this crossover, as the Dynamic Duo once again are thrown together with the Hornet and Kato against Gumm.

Diane McBain plays Pinkston, having previously played the Mad Hatter’s moll Lisa in “The Thirteenth Hat” / “Batman Stands Pat.”

The window cameo is Edward G. Robinson, who engages the Dynamic Duo in a discussion about art, including a dig at pop-art guru Andy Warhol, whose art Robinson despised.

There are several Star Trek connections in this one. Besides Carmel, there’s also Angelique Pettyjohn, who plays one of the lingerie models, who appeared in “The Gamesters of Triskelion,” and the title of the first part is also the title of a second-season Star Trek episode. Also Seymour Cassel, who plays one of the henchmen, went on to a major career as a well-regarded character actor, including a role in Star Trek: The Next Generation‘s “The Child.”

Pink Chip Stamps is a play on Blue Chip Stamps, popular collectible stamps of the time.

Another minor crossover: when Batman is dumping the alphabet soup into the alphabet soup bat-container, the letters form an S, which is positioned right at Batman’s chest, thus making a sly reference to Superman.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Green Hornet usually comes out the winner.” I have always had a soft spot for The Green Hornet. It got lost in the Bat-shadow, and never really found an audience. The Hornet has always been a minor hero in the grand pantheon anyhow, and honestly if it hadn’t been for Bruce Lee’s meteoric rise to fame (not to mention his tragic death), both the show and the character might have been confined to the dustbin of history. But it was actually a fun little action-adventure show that deserved more acclaim and viewers than it got.

As a result, I have a great fondness for this crossover. It helps that Roger C. Carmel leaves no piece of scenery unchewed as Gumm (not to mention his various disguises), that Diane McBain turns in another strong performance as Pinkston—who, like her prior role as Lisa, is a much more together and intelligent woman than the show usually manages to provide—and that Van Williams and Bruce Lee bring the same relaxed charm that they have in their own show. Plus Robin actually says, “Holy uncanny photographic mental processes!” With a straight face, no less! Seriously, the whole episode’s worth it for that line.

The story has some holes in it, not least being the complete lack of any follow-through on Pinkston’s father’s famous lost stamp. There’s not enough of Kato fighting, which is half the appeal of The Green Hornet in the first place, and it’s laughable to see him face off against Robin, because you just know that the Boy Wonder doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning that fight. (It doesn’t help that Burt Ward plays the fight scenes with tremendous hesitation, borne of a practical joke on Lee’s part. Having heard that Ward boasted often of his barely-there karate skills, Lee acted all surly around Ward, scaring the other actor and making him fear he might actually get hurt. One of the crew, who was in on the gag, referred to their confrontation as the black panther versus the yellow chicken.) And the climax is very anti, sadly, as the bad guy is stopped by Batman and Robin walking up behind Gumm.

But overall, this is a fun crossover. Too bad it wasn’t enough to save the other show…

Bat-rating: 8

Keith R.A. DeCandido can’t believe that anyone ever thought that Robin stood a chance against Kato.

“King Tut’s Coup” / “Batman’s Waterloo”
Written by Leo & Pauline Townsend and Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by James B. Clark
Season 2, Episodes 53 and 54
Production code 9755
Original air dates: March 8 and 9, 1967

The Bat-signal: At Yale University, a professor of Egyptology is talking to two students who ask about his past as the criminal King Tut. The professor sighs and with a muttered grumble about the damn school newspaper, explains his suffering from a case of amnesia and identity transference. Since it’s prompted by cranial trauma, he wears a bowler hat with heavy lining. He shows that lining to the students just as a klutzy window washer knocks three potted plants off a ledge. Two hit the students, one hits Tut, and we suddenly not only have Tut back, but he’s got two lackeys who pledge allegiance to him.

His first order of business is to steal a sarcophagus from the Gotham City Museum’s Egyptian section. The theft prompts Gordon to call—Bruce Wayne? Turns out he’s heading up an Egyptian ball for charity, which makes him apparently qualified to consult on matters of Egyptology. Sure. Bruce assures Gordon that the sarcophagus was from the time period of King Tutankhamun (and it actually was! the real Tut reigned from 1332-1323 BCE, and the sarcophagus is from ca. 1300 BCE), and advises that he call Batman.

(Making this whole thing hilarious is that Bruce, Dick, and Harriet were all in costume for the ball, Bruce as Caesar, Dick as a Roman centurion, and Harriet as a Roman woman.)

They slide down the bat-poles in costume in order to come out the other side in different costumes, and head to GCPD HQ, where Gordon gets a call that the Middle Eastern pantomimist Fouad Sphinx has been found beaten and tied up as if to be hanged. Batman has Gordon tell the cops on the scene leave everything as it is—which means Sphinx is stuck tied up until the Dynamic Duo arrive. And it never occurs to Batman to have him be untied until Sphinx himself mentions it. Nice job, hero.

He left a note for Batman in Tut’s “native” tongue, which translates to a declaration that he will claim his own. His own what is unclear, but Batman figures the Egyptian ball will be a target. Gordon has O’Hara send a bunch of cops to keep an eye on the ball undercover. Those cops see Deputy Mayor Zorty dressed as King Tut—which Tut knew about going in—and assume he’s the criminal, taking him away. Bruce and Lisa Carson—the daughter of multimillionaire John E. Carson—arrive as Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, and Tut himself arrives soon thereafter.

Tut’s thugs pretend to be the undercover cops and ask Bruce to convince Lisa to dance with Tut and move him discreetly toward the exit. Bruce falls for this, up until the real cops—having discovered that they arrested Zorty by mistake—return, but by then Tut has gotten away with Lisa.

In the Batcave, Batman and Robin track Lisa to Tut’s HQ, as Bruce put a tracking device on Lisa, which isn’t at all creepy. They head to the Pyramid Club, where Lisa isn’t thrilled to be queen to Tut’s king. Her stubborn insistence on being Lisa Carson rather than Cleopatra Queen of the Nile results in Tut throwing her in the dungeon.

The Dynamic Duo split up—Robin stays by the door while Batman goes to the roof. The two student thugs open the door right on Robin’s head and bring him, insensate and tied up, to Tut. However, Batman then comes in from the roof, and fisticuffs ensue. Batman is stopped by Tut crashing a vase over his head.

Batman is placed in a sarcophagus, which is suspended over what looks like a kiddie pool. Tut gives a speech that riffs hilariously on Marc Antony’s funeral speech from Julius Caesar, and then lowers the sarcophagus into the pool. If he stays in the sarcophagus, he’ll suffocate, and if he escapes from it, he’ll drown. Robin, still tied up, looks on in horror.

Lisa’s time in the dungeon has done nothing to make her more willing to be Cleopatra, so they adjourn to the royal oil boiling room to take care of Robin.

Alfred shows up, having received a transmission from Batman from within the sarcophagus, and frees Batman from his watery grave. He went into a trance to slow his metabolic rate enough to survive.

Lisa finally agrees to marry Tut, but only if he calls her father. He does and promises to keep her safe if Carson pays him $8,300,487.12—it’s the mortgage on the pyramids, thanks to three millennia of interest. Carson agrees, arranging to send a message to Tut via a radio show—but as soon as he hangs up, he calls Gordon. Gordon has Batman call the same radio show and provide a message for Tut, knowing that he’s listening for Carson’s message that the ransom’s together. We don’t hear Batman’s message to Tut for some reason, but Tut replies by telling Batman to bring the money to the royal oil boiling room, thus providing Batman with the location of same. He gets the money from Carson and heads to the royal oil boiling room.

Robin and Lisa are tied to a pole in the royal oil boiling room while Tut waits impatiently for the oil to heat up. Neila—who views Lisa as competition—frees the two of them, but they’re caught before they can escape. Just as Robin’s about to be tossed into the boiling oil, Batman bursts in, tossing a chemical compound into the oil that turns it into foam rubber. Fisticuffs ensue, during which Tut is clubbed on the head, reverting him to his professorial persona.

Bruce and Lisa finish their date that was interrupted. He walks her to her apartment, but declines her offer to come in for milk and cookies, which probably isn’t a euphemism. He explains that he isn’t really husband material for her, but she doesn’t seem to care. After one goodnight kiss, Bruce decides that man cannot live by crimefighting alone, and goes in for the milk and cookies, which totally isn’t a euphemism, honest.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Batcave has an electronic translator, which is useful when you’re handed a note in an ancient tongue. Batman has a vast storehouse of chemical knowledge in his brain, though he also has no idea how the chemical concoction he’s putting together will actually work. Bruce placed a tracking device on his date, which isn’t at all creepy, and he tracks her on what looks like the Giant Lighted Lucite Map of Gotham City! Later, we see Alfred polishing what seems to be the same thing, but is labelled as the Batmobile Tracking Map. Very confusing. The Bat-cycle returns, this time outfitted with a bat-tering ram allowing Batman to crash into the royal oil boiling room. We also see the Wireless Bat-transmitter in action once again, with a sign indicating that it’s “FOR BATEMERGENCIES ONLY.” Batman has also developed something called “Morse Bat-code,” which is just weird, since either it’s Samuel Morse’s Code or it’s Batman’s code…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Only one religious uttering from Robin this time: “Holy jet-set” when he thinks that they might appear in a Suzy Knickerbocker column.

When Batman learns the location of the royal oil boiling room, Alfred says, “Holy steam valve!” and punches his palm, picking up the slack for the kidnapped Robin.

Gotham City’s finest. The cops arrest the deputy mayor by mistake. Zorty forgives this first infraction, but warns that Gordon and O’Hara will be pounding a beat if they screw up again.

Also reference is made to Gordon’s daughter Barbara for the first time, setting up her appearing in season three as a regular.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Neila thought she was Tut’s girl until he started getting obsessed with Lisa, thinking her to be Cleopatra reincarnated. Meanwhile, Lisa and Bruce end their date by going into her apartment for milk and cookies, which totally isn’t a euphemism at all, no really, honest!

Special Guest Villain. Victor Buono makes his second appearance of the season as King Tut following “The Spell of Tut” / “Tut’s Case is Shut.” He’ll be back in the third season’s “The Unkindest Tut of All.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I guess millionaires aren’t so dumb after all.”

“Otherwise they never would have become millionaires.”

–O’Hara and Gordon assuming incorrectly that smarts always play a role in becoming a millionaire.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 43 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, independent filmmaker Robert Long.

Leo Townsend, who co-wrote the original draft of the story with his wife Pauline, is the writer of Beach Blanket Bingo and How to Stuff a Wild Bikini. The Townsends’ original story involved Mayor Linseed, but Byron Keith was unavailable, so Stanley Ralph Ross had to rewrite the script. (Linseed’s excuse for being out of town was that he was visiting the Asian front.)

Lee Meriwether returns as Lisa, having previously subbed in for Julie Newmar as Catwoman in the feature film. Grace Lee Whitney, best known as Janice Rand on Star Trek, plays Neila.

Deputy Mayor Zorty is a play on Los Angeles’s mayor at the time, Sam Yorty. John E. Carson is a play on The Tonight Show host Johnny Carson.

The window cameo is Aileen Mehle, a.k.a. Suzy Knickerbocker, a well-known newspaper columnist, who also appeared regularly on the panel of What’s My Line? (including one episode where the special guest was her son).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “When we get to the royal oil boiling room, be sure to prepare some real boiling royal boiling oil, to boil the Boy Wonder in, royally.” What an absolute delight of an episode. As usual, Stanley Ralph Ross can be counted on to get back to the basics: Batman being the straitlaced hero, the GCPD being spectacularly incompetent, and the villain being over the top and delightful.

Victor Buono was never not great as Tut, but this may be his best outing, as he goes full-on W.C. Fields here. He’s aided by a metric buttload of wordplay and snark, a constant barrage of lunacy that is a joy and a delight.

The wealth is shared, of course, as we get lots of people dressed in absurd Egyptian (or Roman) garb, including Bruce in a toga and Dick in centurion armor. Alfred gets to save the day, which is always fun, and he even gets a “Holy!” exclamation! The cliffhanger deathtrap is kinda weak, but overall this episode is huge fun, a welcome return to the grand insanity of the first season. Plus Lee Meriwether is excellent as Lisa, since her insistence on Tut calling her father is what leads Batman to be able to save the day. And at the end, Bruce actually gets laid! Woohoo! (C’mon, “milk and cookies” is totally a euphemism you guys!!!)

Bat-rating: 9

Keith R.A. DeCandido is not old enough have seen this episode in first run, but is old enough to remember Steve Martin’s hit song “King Tut.”

“Black Widow Strikes Again” / “Caught in the Spider’s Den”
Written by Robert Mintz
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 55 and 56
Production code 9753
Original air dates: March 15 and 16, 1967

The Bat-signal: The Black Widow arrives at a bank, driven there in the sidecar of a motorcycle by one of her henchmen, who also helps her out and hands her her coat and bag. On the pretense of opening a savings account, she activates a Cerebrum Short-Circuiter, which puts the bank manager under her control, and she tells him to give her $30,000.

The manager goes to Gordon, who calls Batman just as Harriet is showing off her new black pants to Bruce and Dick—she apparently wants to become “mod.” (She wanted a miniskirt, but the sales clerk said she didn’t have the face for it. Charming sales clerk, that…) Our heroes arrive at GCPD, where Gordon reads the file on the Black Widow, and Batman confirms the mind control that was used on the bank manager.

The Dynamic Duo return to the Batcave and feeds Black Widow’s information into the Batcomputer, while the villain herself robs another five banks in the same manner (Gordon tells Batman when he calls him to inform him of this that it’s four, but then he reads a list that makes it clear that it’s five), and Batman realizes that she’s robbing banks in alphabetical order, and the sixth bank will be Gotham General.

Upon arrival, Batman and Robin are met by a very nervous bank manager, who is holding a rifle (and shaking visibly, which isn’t really good firearms discipline) while sitting in front of the vault. Our heroes relieve the manager of his weapon and tell him to act naturally. So when an older woman in black walks in, he jumps her—except it’s the newly mod Harriet, intending to open a savings account for Dick. She harumphs and takes her business elsewhere.

A few minutes later, the Black Widow arrives. She hits Batman with a paralyzing dose of spider-venom and walks out. Robin, for reasons passing understanding, just stands there until Batman can move again.

They follow in the Batmobile once Batman can move again, tracking her to an unassuming house in the suburbs, where two dummies pretend to be an older couple rocking on the porch, saying there’s nobody there.

They go back to the Batcave and analyze the recording of the old couple and realize that their voice prints are artificial. When they return to the house, three hours later, the couple hasn’t even moved. They approach the house, and the two don’t even budge, or respond when Batman pulls on the woman’s cheek and Robin holds the man’s nose.

When our heroes find the Black Widow’s underground lair, the henchmen ambush them, and fisticuffs ensue. The Dynamic Duo are victorious, but then the Black Widow pins them to a spider’s web and then unleashes two big spiders on them. Batman manages to free his right hand and use an electric shock to get out of it.

They find Black Widow counting her loot. However, Black Widow has reversed the polarity on her Cerebrum Short-Circuiter. Robin has lost one of his electrodes that protects them—which means that now he’s unaffected by her device, but Batman is now under her control. They subdue Robin and tie him up while Batman and Black Widow share a drink (of milk, of course, Batman still being Batman despite the mind control).

Black Widow has run out of banks to rob, apparently (which means, I guess, she robbed 19 more banks?), so she asks for help from the Batcomputer. Batman uses the remote access to the Batcomputer to find a bank she hasn’t hit yet.

Black Widow has Batman provide a spare batsuit and put it on the Grandpa dummy. Then Batman calls the bank and asks them to put $40,000 in a bag and hand it to Batman at 11.43am. The Black Widow disguises herself as Robin and she and the Grandpa dummy drive off in the Batmobile posing as Batman and Robin, who then rob the bank.

Gordon is devastated to realize that this wasn’t a setup by Batman, but that he appears to have gone bad. Gordon puts out an APB on Batman and Robin. A cop captures the Batmobile, but Black Widow drives off—and then the cop shoots “Batman.” The poor cop is devastated.

Robin manages to free himself from being tied up, grabs the short-circuiter, reverses the polarity, and then frees Batman—though first he takes revenge for years of being forced to wear those doofy short pants by making Batman sing for a few minutes. Batman fake-ties him back up and pretends to be under their control so they can ambush her when she gets back.

Gordon and O’Hara try calling the Bat-phone to see if they can talk Robin into surrendering, but Alfred answers. He reveals that he back-traced the remote use of the Batcomputer to an address, which he gives to Gordon, who accompanies O’Hara there with some cops, figuring Robin to be there.

Black Widow returns to her headquarters, at which point fisticuffs ensue. After defeating the henchmen, Batman uses the short-circuiter on Black Widow, who then comes very quietly with O’Hara to be arrested. (Black Widow says O’Hara reminds her of her late husband, which explains why she’s so happy as a widow…)

Batman and Robin then spend the next few weeks coming by with the Brain-Wave Batanalyzer to decriminalize her and her henchmen, which is totally ethical and completely above-board, and thoroughly legal, and not at all scary mind-control holy shit!

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman uses a Brain-Wave Batanalyzer on the bank manager to unscramble his cerebrum, and later on the Widow and her henchmen. It looks so much like a hairdryer that O’Hara actually asks why he has a hairdryer. Our heroes wear anti-short-circuiting brain bat-electrodes to save them from the Black Widow’s Cerebrum Short-Circuiter, though Robin loses his later on. Batman installed an odor sensitometer radar circuit in the Batmobile. The Batmobile also has an ultrasonic recorder, which makes tapes that can be played on the Bat-tape reader in the Batcave, and also analyzed by the Batscilloscope viewer. He keeps a mini-volt box that delivers a shock of 5000 volts on his utility belt. He has a remote control Batcomputer oscillator.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy olfactory” is Robin’s reply to Batman’s description of the odor sensitometer radar in the Batmobile. “Holy reversed polarity” is Robin’s exclamation upon freeing Batman from Black Widow’s control.

Gotham City’s finest. “Me men are clever, goodness knows, but where the human brain is concerned, they’re just not equipped.” O’Hara sums up the GCPD perfectly with that line.

Special Guest Villainess. In one of her final roles before dying of emphysema in December 1968, Tallulah Bankhead—credited with the prefix “Miss” out of respect for her long career, which dated back to the 1910s—plays the Black Widow. A chain-smoker, she had an oxygen tank kept handy to help with her breathing between takes.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Happiness can’t buy money.”

–Black Widow summing up her philosophy of life.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 44 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Chris Gould, author of Batman at 45: The Ultimate Tribute to Pow, Bam, and Zap!

Veteran actor George Raft—who made a career out of playing gangsters—makes an uncredited cameo as a bank customer. The talking dummies of Grandma and Grandpa are played by Meg Wylie (probably best known as the Talosian Keeper in Star Trek‘s “The Cage” and “The Menagerie“) and George Chandler (one of the founders of the Screen Actors Guild, and who regularly appeared on The Adventures of Superman). Walker Edmiston plays the bank teller; he was a prolific voiceover actor for many TV shows both live-action and animated.

Scripter Robert Mintz was the show’s post-production coordinator. This is his only script for the series, and it almost wasn’t produced due to the show having too many scripts. According to a memo to Mintz by producer Howie Horwitz, the network wanted more returning villains and they were reluctant to do original female villains, as the male originals tended toward a better response. It’s not clear what allowed the episode to be done, though it’s possible that the casting of Bankhead as the Black Widow had something to do with it…

The cliffhanger voiceover says to “Tune in mañana” rather than “Tune in tomorrow” for reasons passing understanding.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “To me, you are a crashing bore!” This episode has its moments for sure. Tallulah Bankhead is obviously having a grand old time vamping it up with the same verve she had as a younger woman, for all that she’s noticeably frail and non-mobile. The henchmen are delightful, and I particularly like Trap Door being constantly stuck behind his trap door (which, naturally, is labelled, “TRAP DOOR”) but coming out periodically to be useful (or once just because he’s lonely). The Bat-devices come flying fast and furious in this one, to hilarious effect.

And it’s a rare showcase for Burt Ward, as he actually does a decent job mimicking Bankhead’s facial mannerisms when the Widow is disguised as Robin. Plus, Robin gets to make Batman sing “I’m Called Little Buttercup” from HMS Pinafore, which is a crowning moment of awesome for the Boy Wonder—probably the only such moment in this version of the character’s entire history. (Luckily, we also have him standing around with his thumb up his butt while Batman is paralyzed rather than actually, y’know, stopping the Widow himself, or at least moving toward her, plus he gets captured easily by the henchmen twice, just to remind us that yes, he’s still the sidekick…) Adam West beautifully plays the docile, mind-controlled Batman (politely asking for milk, gently urging the henchmen to let him play solitaire alone, gamely singing for Robin). And Alfred gets to be brilliant, which is always fun.

Having said that, the story’s a mess. The alphabet theme for the banks is mildly clever, but not really followed up on, the cliffhanger is disjointed and ruined by the overwhelming fakery of the spiders, the bits with Harriet just seems designed to give Madge Blake extra screentime, something the character has done nothing to earn, and then our heroes win the day by using the same awful methods as the bad guy.

Honestly, if they had just ended it with Batman using the short-circuiter on Widow long enough for her to be arrested, I probably would have been okay with it, especially since the first half of the story included a line where Batman assures us that the effects are temporary.

But then we have the tag, where our heroes, our paragons of virtue, our costumed crusaders who obey the law to a fault (to the point where they won’t even park the Batmobile in an illegal spot), engage in mind-control on the Widow and her henchmen!!!!

Honestly, I can’t get past that, especially since we’ve never seen Batman do this with anyone else. The Widow is no worse than any of the other villains—in fact, she’s one of the least harmful of our bad guys, as she doesn’t go for political power, her villainous acts don’t hurt anyone permanently (except for her attempted murder of Batman and Robin with the spiders, but that’s part of the formula of the show in any case)—she just takes money from banks. Yet she gets to be lobotomized in the name of justice when Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, Riddler, and the rest don’t? (It also raises the question, if he’s got a magical brain-altering hair dryer, why didn’t he use it to cure King Tut?)

An awful ending to a mediocre episode—but also a fun ending to a great career, so it’s a wash. I guess.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s next novel is Marvel’s Sif: Even Dragons Have Their Endings, Book 2 of the “Tales of Asgard” trilogy, which is available for preorder from both Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also preorder Book 3 of the trilogy, Marvel’s Warriors Three: Godhood’s End, from Amazon.

The Return of the Caped Crusaders
Written by Michael Jelenic & James Tucker
Directed by Rick Morales
Original release date: November 1, 2016

The Bat-signal: At stately Wayne Manor, Dick is practicing his ballet steps, though Dick thinks he looks ridiculous in tights, apparently blissfully unaware of what he looks like in the Robin costume. Bruce points out the need for things like balance and flexibility in crimefighting.

They take a break to watch Gotham Palace, a variety show hosted by Miranda Monroe. The first act is a band called Hector and the Ho-Daddies, but they’ve been replaced by Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and Catwoman. Several of the teens in the audience charge the stage to hold them for the cops, but Joker fires streamers from his guitar that bind the intrepid teens. Riddler leaves a bomb behind that “explodes” with a riddle.

The Bat-signal shines in the night sky and Gordon calls on the bat-phone. Bruce and Dick assure Gordon that they’re on the case, and slide down the bat-poles. Thanks to the unlimited FX budget in animation, we get to see the costumes get put on them, as well as the entire drive down the cavern to the exit with several gates that open before they reach the open road.

The riddle left by the Riddler is: “Poor people have it, rich people need it, if you eat it, you die.” The answer is “nothing,” a common idiom of which is “goose egg,” and a prize goose egg was delivered to the Gotham City market last Tuesday, the same day as a lab dedicated to studying lunar eclipses opened. That must be their target. Of course.

Dr. Nichols displays his new replica ray, which can create a perfect copy of anything. Our four fiends try to steal it, Joker using laughing gas to keep the scientists from resisting. However, Batman and Robin show up, and fisticuffs ensue.

Catwoman, though, stays out of the violence, instead trying to convince Batman to renounce do-gooding and be a criminal with her. He rejects the notion, but her distraction allows Penguin to club Bats on the head and they get away in the Jokermobile. A car chase ensues down the streets of Gotham. Joker fires exploding bouncing balls and then the Riddler uses the replica ray to duplicate a pothole several times over. Robin uses the Bat-zooka to take out a Jokermobile tire, but Riddler retaliates with several potholes that make a big trench in the street that the Batmobile can’t drive over. The villains get away on foot, but they leave a taunt behind: tin foil, because our heroes were foiled.

Luckily, the Bat-analyzer finds starch on the tin foil, so it’s probably from the Fitzsimmons Frozen Foods factory, which made TV dinners, and is now abandoned. To confirm that, there’s a sign outside the factory that says, “ABANDONED FROZEN FOOD FACTORY.” Inside, Catwoman convinces the others that their only hope of being able to use the ray for their nefarious gain is to get Batman on their side. She’s got “bat-nip,” which she guarantees will turn Batman bad.

The Dynamic Duo arrive at the factory and bat-climb up the side wall. The bad guys ambush them—Joker telling a joke and Riddler telling him to get new material—and then fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes beat the men-folk, but Catwoman is able to trick Batman into letting her fix her hair so she can look good for the judge, but instead of hairspray, she hits our heroes with gas.

They wake up tied to a gigunda TV dinner, and Catwoman scratches Batman with her bat-nip—however, it winds up having no effect, as his moral fiber is stronger than her magic potion. So they go with plan B, which is Joker sending the conveyer belt toward the giant oven (conveniently labelled, “GIANT OVEN”).

Once the villains bugger off, Batman shoves his hands into the giant lemon tart, hoping the acidity of the lemon will burn through the bonds. It does, of course, and they’re free. They head to GCPD HQ, and are shocked to be informed that there’s been nary a peep from the four villains. Batman is also particularly snotty toward Gordon and O’Hara, and when they return to Wayne Manor, Bruce fires Alfred for allowing Harriet to go into the study, the one room in the mansion she’s forbidden to enter.

Batman and Robin search Gotham City for a clue as to what the quartet of bad guys are up to, but they find nothing, neither on land, nor at sea, nor in the air. Dejected, they return to the Batcave, where they deduce that, since they’re not anywhere to be found in Gotham, they must be on the Soviet—sorry, Belgravian rocket that just launched. So the Dynamic Duo follow in the bat-rocket. (He has a bat-rocket? That’s just been sitting there this entire time? Of course they do!)

The bad guys arrive at an abandoned space station that was a joint operation between us and the Belgravians, but it was abandoned because the two sides couldn’t work together. Joker, Riddler, and Penguin announce to Catwoman that they’re kicking her out of the gang, as her soft spot for Batman is a liability. They try to physically restrain her, which proves more difficult than expected, but they eventually nab her. They toss her out an airlock—but Batman and Robin have arrived, and they rescue her.

Batman, Robin, and Catwoman confront Joker, Riddler, and Penguin, where an angry Batman wants to toss the three bad guys out of the airlock. Joker turns off the gravity on the space station, and gravity-free fisticuffs ensue. Batman manages to use the batarang to switch the gravity back on, and then he puts on his bat-brass knuckles, says, “Let’s do this,” and starts brutalizing the three of them. Robin looks on in horror while Catwoman takes advantage of the distraction to get back to Earth in an escape pod.

At GCPD HQ, Batman confiscates the replica ray, as it’s too dangerous, and then he disappears out the window and drives off—without Robin! Eventually, Dick finds his way home to find Bruce watching Gotham Palace, and grumbling that he just couldn’t bear to listen to Gordon prattle on. He yells at Harriet and when Dick finally starts complaining about how weird he’s acting, Bruce kicks him out, too.

Time passes. Alfred is on skid row, rooting through garbage cans for food. Gordon has tried the bat-phone every twenty minutes, but there’s no answer. (Bruce eventually rips the phone out of the wall.)

A crime wave hits Gotham, with no sign of Batman or Robin. Eventually Batman shows up at Gordon’s office and fires Gordon and O’Hara as disgraces to their job. He uses the replica ray to create two more of himself, and the two duplicates take over as police commissioner and chief of police. Batman then puts another replica of himself in as mayor of Gotham, and another as a judge, and another as a chef, and so on, as he slowly takes over the town, giving himself a more bad-ass Batmobile.

Dick, now living in a tiny apartment in the bad part of town, figures out that it’s Catwoman’s bat-nip that’s responsible, and he heads to the Kitkat Kave, a cat-themed club, where Catwoman captures him easily. But she doesn’t like Batman being this bad, and she agrees to work with Robin to cure him. She even promises not to kill Robin—at least not yet.

Robin gasses Catwoman and then takes the Catmobile to the Batcave. Batman confronts them, and offers to have Catwoman join him in taking over the world and killing Robin. Catwoman, though, honors her deal with Robin and hits Batman with the bat-nip antidote—but it doesn’t work, as Batman took bat-anti-antidote.

And so hero and sidekick have a utility belt-off. Batman tosses bat-knockout gas, but Robin counters with bat-wakeup gas. Robin throws bat-cuffs onto Batman’s wrists, but Batman gets out of it with bat-lockpicks. Batman’s bat-bomb is stopped by Robin’s bat-shield. Catwoman gets fed up and attacks Batman with her whip, but Batman manages to subdue both of them and hit them with knockout gas.

Catwoman and Robin awaken tied up over the nuclear silo. Batman leaves them to be hit by radioactive steam and goes off to rule the city some more, but Robin thought ahead and had sprayed them both with bat-anti-isotope spray to protect them in case Batman put them in a deathtrap. It’s almost like he does this regularly…

Robin and Catwoman disguise themselves as prison inspectors and head to Gotham State Pen, where they deem the pickaxes and balls-and-chains to be not up to code, handing over replacements, and they also provide care packages. The balls-and chains are actually helium balloons and the pickaxes are mini-helicopters that allow several of Batman and Robin’s rogues’ gallery to escape. (Pointedly, Joker, Riddler, and Penguin are left behind. However, they shortly thereafter disintegrate.) The care packages are their costumes and equipment. Catwoman and Robin gather them up in a van and they head off.

Batman has taken over Gotham Palace, having tied Miranda Monroe up, and has put VHF detonators on all the antennas in town (easy to do when you have an army of duplicates) so if anyone changes the channel or turns their TV off, their sets will explode.

Robin, Catwoman, and the gaggle of villains show up, so Batman sics his duplicates on them. Fisticuffs ensue, but there are too many Batmen. One of them is even dancing the Batusi, while others play music for him to dance to as the band. Eventually, Robin and the various villians are overwhelmed.

Batman announces to Catwoman and Robin that he won’t concoct a deathtrap and he won’t step conveniently away. This time, he’s going to kill them with his bare hands.

But before he can choke the life out of his sidekick and his would-be paramour, a man delivers a bottle of champagne, sent as a token of appreciation of his newfound stardom. He drinks it—and it reverts him to his natural self. The delivery was made by Alfred, who whipped up an antidote that would burn through the anti-antidote based on long-ago instructions given to Alfred by Batman should he ever become mind-controlled.

Then all the Batmen disintegrate just like Joker, Riddler, and Penguin did in jail. Batman realizes that anything created by the replica ray is unstable and will eventually go to pieces.

Catwoman goes away with O’Hara and Gordon, giving Batman a kiss for the road to keep her warm during those cold prison nights.

Batman and Robin figure out that Joker, Riddler, and Penguin set this all up as a distraction so they could commit a great crime spree that no one would notice with all the chaos Batman was creating. They knew the replica ray’s creations were unstable, so they let their duplicates be captured, and have stolen some priceless artifacts (the world’s oldest puzzle for the Riddler, a Fabergé egg for Penguin, and a painting of a clown for Joker that will be much more valuable once he kills the artist).

The Dynamic Duo head off to stop them—joined by Catwoman, who insists on revenge. The trio head off in the Batmobile and confront the bad guys, but they get away on Penguin’s giant flying jet-powered umbrella.

They whip out the bat-whirlybirds and track them to a penguin blimp. They use exploding batarangs to damage the blimp’s engines. They board the blimp and fisticuffs ensue. Catwoman even saves Robin’s life. Riddler and Penguin are captured, but Joker (after actually farting in their general direction), leaps to a circus, only to be trampled by elephants and taken in by the Keystone Kops under the Big Top.

Catwoman then tries to get away with the stuff the other three stole. Batman tries and talk her into going straight, but she refuses and leaps off the blimp into a smokestack, though not before they get the stolen property back, at least.

Back at Wayne Manor, there’s a birthday party for Harriet, which she now thinks is why they’ve been so weird and secretive, because they were planning it—but then they bugger off as soon as the bat-signal hits the sky…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Among the old standbys in use: the bat-zooka, the bat-analyzer, the bat-noculars, the bat-cycle, and the bat-helicopter. In addition to the old Batmobile, we get a more nasty version for when Batman goes bad.

We get tons of new gadgets, too: the bat-scuba gear they use to check underwater for the bad guys, the bat-brass knuckles, the bat-anti-antidote, a bat-heat-shield, bat-anti-isotope spray, the bat-whirtlybirds, and, of course, the bat-rocket, complete with space suits—in Batman’s case, the helmet comes complete with bat ears! Also the space suits have bat-gravity boots…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Dick cries, “Holy unholy alliance,” when they discover that their four primary villains have once again teamed up. Robin yells, “Holy crumbling infrastructure” when the number of potholes in Gotham increases tenfold thanks to Riddler’s use of the replica ray. When he creates a series of potholes that makes a large gap in the street, Robin grumbles, “Holy trench warfare.” He says, “Holy Einstein!” when reminded of how powerful the Bat-analyzer is. When they deduce that the bad guys are hiding out at a TV dinner factory, Robin utters, “Holy Salisbury steak!” When Catwoman hits them with noxious gas, Robin’s final words before succumbing to unconsciousness are the rather on-the-nose, “Holy noxious gas!” When reminded that there’s a lemon tart on the giant TV dinner tray, Robin says, “Holy citric enzymes!” and when they escape, he mutters, “Holy entrée.” After their fruitless search for the criminals, Robin laments, “Holy dragnet.” When they use the bat-gravity boots, Robin says, “Holy helium” and when the space station loses gravity, he grumbles, “Holy zero gees!” After being abandoned by Batman at GCPD HQ, Robin laments, “Holy hitchhiker” when realizing he needs to find his own way home. Unable to focus on ballet lessons while living in a dump, Dick mutters, “Holy pliet.” Upon seeing the Catmobile, he Russ Meyers, “Holy faster pussycat, kill, kill!” When he and Catwoman wake up over the nuclear silo, Robin whimpers, “Holy hydrogen!” When Batman announces that he’ll blow up everyone’s TV if they change the channel, Robin cries, “Holy shrapnel!” When Batman drinks the counteracting potion, Robin says, “Holy counteracting potions!” and when the Batmen spontaneously combust, he says, “Holy spontaneous combustion!” and when they discover that Joker, Penguin, and Riddler triple-crossed them, he says, “Holy triple cross!” When Batman urges them to use exploding batarangs on Penguin’s blimp, Robin cautions, “Holy Hindenburg!” When Catwoman suggests that she and Batman run away to Europe together and drink tea in a café (sounds like the ending of a movie, doesn’t it?) Robin critiques, “Holy unsatisfying ending.”

Gotham City’s finest. While under the influence of bat-nip, Batman says what viewers have been thinking for five decades now: Gordon and O’Hara are spectacularly incompetent and should be fired. So Batman fires them—though they’re back on the job once Alfred gives Batman the cure. They also let Catwoman escape from custody within minutes of Batman sending her off with them.

Also, O’Hara at one points mentions having prayed several rosaries, the first time O’Hara’s (inevitable) Catholicism is ever referenced.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Catwoman still wants Batman to be her lover, but Batman only responds positively when under the influence of bat-nip. However, they do get an actual honest-to-goodness kiss (while a nauseated Robin looks on) before O’Hara takes her away—temporarily, as she escapes custody shortly thereafter and jumps to her seeming doom into a smokestack (though she’s survived worse…).

Special Guest Villains. As the only surviving actor among the regulars besides the two leads, Julie Newmar is the only person to return to voice a bad guy, making her first appearance as Catwoman since the second season’s “Batman Displays His Knowledge.” Jeff Bergman plays the Joker (he does the laugh and Cesar Romero’s deep, gruff disgusted voice best), William Salyers plays the Penguin (doing, sadly, a very poor Burgess Meredith), and Wally Wingert plays the Riddler (doing a near-perfect Frank Gorshin).

We also get dialogue-less cameos by the Archer, the Black Widow, Bookworm, Clock King, Egghead, False Face, King Tut, Louie the Lilac, the Mad Hatter, the Minstrel, Mr. Freeze, the Sandman, Shame, and Siren.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na. “Can you believe the lengths those two go to keep their little secret.”

“Secret, ma’am?”

“Why Alfred, you really don’t see it?”

“No, I do not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe the upstairs doorknobs need polishing.”

Harriet proving that she both is and isn’t as stupid as we think, and Alfred proving that he’s no snitch.

Trivial matters: This film has been discussed on several “From the Files of the Bat-Computer” special episodes of The Batcave Podcast by John S. Drew, along with Dan Greenfield of 13th Dimension, in anticipation of its release, with a full review scheduled to appear this week.

Batman is hit on the head by Penguin while facing Catwoman, and he sees triple—but the other two Catwomen he sees are very obviously meant to be the Lee Meriwether and Eartha Kitt versions.

The Batcave combines the design from the TV series with the design from the comics, incorporating the giant dinosaur and the big joker card. The cave entrance is also partly underground rather than at street level. And we never see the “GOTHAM CITY, 14 MILES” sign.

In addition, Alfred and Gordon look more like their comics versions, the former without glasses and the latter with glasses and a mustache. And GCPD HQ is a much shorter building here, with the Batmobile making a spectacularly illegal U-turn to park rather than driving straight into the spot in front. (Also Robin opens the door to get out rather than leaping over the closed door.)

When replacing a judge, Batman cites the court case of Semple v. Dozier, a reference to Lorenzo Semple Jr., who wrote several episodes of the show, including the very first one, and William Dozier, the developer and executive producer.

Scene transitions are done with the traditional moving bat-symbol mostly, but when Batman goes bad, it becomes an upside-down bat-symbol, and when Catwoman and Robin are working together, we get both a moving cat logo and Robin’s “R” symbol as scene transitions as well.

Each villain has one henchman, Joker’s dressed in the vest and peaked hat (seen in his very first appearance), Riddler’s wearing a crossword-puzzle shirt (used in John Astin’s one appearance as the Riddler, a nice tribute to his failed attempt to take over the role), Penguin’s wearing a G.O.O.N. shirt (from his attempt to run for mayor), and Catwoman’s wearing the iconic cat outfit (as seen in her very first appearance).

Gotham Palace host Miranda Monroe is an obvious play on Marilyn Monroe, while Belgravia is a substitute for the Soviet Union, joining New Gurnsey and Londinium……

The only regular cast member who doesn’t appear in the movie is Batgirl. While this is unconfirmed, Yvonne Craig‘s death in 2015 is likely the cause of it, as they probably didn’t feel comfortable recasting one of the starring roles the way they did the villains.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “My moral fiber is stronger than any substance this she-devil might concoct.” This almost works perfectly as a nice 50th anniversary tribute to the TV show. It has all the requisite elements, along with some entertaining variations on them, some due to the unlimited effects budget afforded by animation (like the bat-whirlybirds and the entire outer-space sequence), some due to the nature of the plot (one of the cliffhanger deathtraps being Robin and Catwoman, e.g.), and some due to the passage of time making it impossible to resist (like the bat-nipped Batman finally telling Gordon and O’Hara what incompetent clods they are, or Harriet hinting that she knows what Bruce and Dick are really up to, wah-HEY!).

As is often the case with any Batman 66 production, it’s the villains that make it shine. Julie Newmar is a revelation, and it feels like no time has passed since 1967. Her voice slinks just as well as it always has, and her banter with both Batman and the other villains is as strong as ever. And both Jeff Bergman and especially Wally Wingert channel Cesar Romero and Frank Gorshin, respectively, quite well. (William Salyers, not so much. He does the “waugh waugh” just fine, but there’s nothing of Burgess Meredith in his performance, and he doesn’t do anything to make it stand out beyond that.)

Unfortunately, it has some problems that keep it from being absolute perfection. One is the unavoidable fact that Adam West sounds like he’s 88 years old, and the tremors in his voice make his Batman less than convincing, though he does have his moments. Burt Ward’s 71-year-old self actually sounds okay, but the tone doesn’t always come across quite right—though, tellingly, Ward’s best voiceover work is in the third act or so when he has to work with Catwoman to save Batman from himself. (And, as seen above, the “holies” are a bit overdone and weak.) Plus, while Lynne Marie Stewart does a delightful job as Harriet, I wish the script had actually committed to the lampshading early on, with Harriet hinting to Alfred that she knows full well what the boys are doing when they “go fishing”—they’re having lots of awesome gay sex! It’s a lovely inversion of the reason why the Harriet character was created in the first place (to make Bruce and Dick seem less gay), and I love the notion that Harriet—who was canny enough to take on Chandell’s evil brother Harry—got both the right and wrong idea at the same time, but they wimp out at the end by having her fall for the surprise-party cover and she’s back to being an idiot again. Le sigh.

But the biggest issue with the whole production is that it just takes too flipping long. I was constantly checking the time as we got into the second act, and the whole thing just seems to drag. One of the virtues of the TV series was that it was only half an hour, so the gag never collapsed under the weight of its own absurdity. This film is an hour and a quarter long, and it feels about twice that—ironically, the 1966 live-action film zipped by, even though its run-time was thirty minutes longer. Part of that was because that film did one thing this didn’t do enough of: villain banter. There wasn’t nearly enough of the back-and-forth among the four bad guys—which is frustrating, because when they did set them on each other, it was glorious. (One of the film’s best moments is when Joker, Riddler, and Penguin are comparing their heists at the climax, with Penguin singularly unimpressed with Joker’s clown painting.)

The movie has the right tone, the right sense of the absurd, the right collection of bat-gadgets, tons of alliterative wordplay, plus the usual moralizing, ridiculous deductions, and stuff. I especially like the cheap shot taken at the ending to The Dark Knight Rises (a film that deserves all the cheap shots anyone can lobby at it, to be honest). It’s a fun watch, one that almost, but doesn’t quite, live up to the source material. Then again, the source material didn’t always live up to itself, either. Just as the 1966 film was a perfect capper to the strong first season, this feels more like the movie they might have made between seasons two and three (which conveniently covers the lack of Batgirl, who didn’t debut until the third season) that has all of season’s two’s inconsistencies and flaws.

Bat-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido hopes he still sounds as awesome as Julie Newmar does when he’s 83.

“Pop Goes the Joker” / “Flop Goes the Joker”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by george waGGner
Season 2, Episodes 57 and 58
Production code 9757
Original air dates: March 22 and 23, 1967

The Bat-signal: Alfred is at an art gallery, searching for art to purchase for Bruce. Just as he’s introduced to the artist Oliver Muzzy, the Joker bursts in, declaring all the art to be dull and lifeless and spray painting all over them. Alfred sneaks out to phone home, telling Harriet that he’s found a painting called “The Laughing Man” and Bruce should come see it at once. Deciphering his code, Bruce and Dick slide down the bat-poles and head to the gallery. (Alfred removed the signs on the bat-poles in order to put a new coat of paint on them. This will probably be important later.)

The Dynamic Duo arrive in time to take Joker and his thugs down, but the damage has been done (not just to the art, but to Batman’s uniform, which the Joker sprays with red paint). However, Muzzy is overwhelmed by Joker’s artistic genius, and wants to share credit for the paintings with him. Since the vandalism is no longer considered vandalism, Joker and his henchmen are able to leave in peace.

Batman and Robin have Gordon and O’Hara post officers at all Gotham’s art galleries and private collections, since the Joker probably has an art-related heist up his sleeve. Then they retire to the Batcave, where Alfred tries to get the paint off Batman’s shirt.

Joker enters the Gotham International Art Contest. Gordon plans to embed fifty plainclothes officers, but Batman suggests instead just having one person go in, someone who runs in the same social circles as the contest’s host, socialite Baby Jane Towser. Gordon suggests Bruce.

The next day, the contest commences, and Towser introduces the contestants: Pablo Pincus, Jackson Potluck, Leonardo da Vinski (who has a monkey), Vincent van Gauche, and the Joker. Pincus throws paint randomly on the canvas, Potluck lies in paint and rolls around on his canvas, da Vinski has his monkey fling tomatoes at the canvas, and van Gauche paints with his feet. Joker, however, paints nothing. He calls it “Death of a Mauve Bat.” It died in 1936, and the blank canvas represents the emptiness of modern life. Towser is overwhelmed with its brilliance and awards first prize to the Joker (da Vinski’s monkey is displeased).

Joker announces that he is opening a new art school for millionaires to teach them the secrets of modern art. Obviously, he wants to bilk the wealthy denizens of Gotham, and his first sign-up is Towser, who is smitten. Bruce decides to sign up as well, in order to have a front-row seat for Joker’s scheme.

Bruce attends his first class at Joker’s Art Institute, while wearing a tracking device that Robin and Alfred keep tabs on in the Batcave. After a sculpting lesson, Joker finally drops the other shoe: the students are all kidnapped, ransom notes having already been sent to their families. Robin learns of this and goes after them—but he has to take the bus, because he’s too young to drive. Not the most efficient method of crimefighting there, kids…

However, Robin does eventually show up (climbing in through the window, as ever) and fisticuffs ensue—with Bruce actually fighting; the other millionaires hide in the corner—but our heroes are defeated. Joker is amused that Batman is too afraid to face him. He ties Bruce to a chair to watch Robin be put alone in a deathtrap in the form of a mobile that has many blades that will cut him to pieces.

Bruce, while still tied to the chair, manages to clamber over to the control mechanism and stop it long enough for Robin to get out of his bonds. He frees Bruce, and they go after the Joker. Joker buggers off, while fisticuffs ensue with the henchmen—while that happens, Joker works on Towser, convincing her that he’s just a misguided artist. And since the ransom hasn’t been delivered, no crime has been committed, save for kidnapping, but Towser refuses to press charges, and she uses her position near the top of the social ladder to intimidate the others into doing likewise. To Robin’s shock, Bruce also agrees not to press kidnapping charges, even though Towser’s threats won’t really affect him. (Bruce mostly wants to protect his secret identity, which is a shitty reason to let a felon go, but whatever. Not to mention the whole attempted murder of Robin thing. Besides, letting the Joker go also allows the other millionaires to go free.)

In the Batcave, Bruce slides down the bat-pole into a freshly laundered bat-suit. He has Alfred paint a bunch of paintings, and they replace all the art in the Towser Wing of the Gotham Art Museum with Alfred’s work.

Joker dines with Towser, and then his muse strikes and he paints the dining room table and then smashes it—Joker insists he’s turned the expensive dining room table into a priceless piece of art. He then conscripts Towser to let them into the Towser Wing of the museum to replace all the musty old art with his own artwork. He tells Towser that he’ll be taking them to the city dump to burn them, but his real plan is to steal all the expensive art in the museum—which Batman anticipated.

The Dynamic Duo head to Joker’s Art Institute, where Joker is calling Gordon to ransom the art he’s stolen for ten million dollars (not yet realizing that they’re not what he thinks). Batman gets on another extension of the phone line, making Joker think he’s with Gordon. Joker is livid when he realizes he’s been had, and he says that if Batman was there, he’d give him a pounding. “Start pounding,” Batman says, and when Joker realizes he’s in the room, he lets out a huge scream.

Fisticuffs ensue, but Joker gets away with a tied-up Towser in tow. He heads to Wayne Manor to steal some of Bruce’s cash. He gets Alfred to cooperate by threatening Towser, but then Alfred gains the upper hand. There’s a brief “swordfight” with pokers, which Alfred wins, but Joker runs to the study, where he accidentally opens the fake bookcase. Luckily, Alfred hadn’t replaced the name plates yet, so Joker just thinks it’s a secret passageway. He slides down one of the bat-poles (luckily, Alfred hadn’t gotten around to laundering the spare outfits), but Alfred hits the emergency up button, and Joker comes zipping back up to the ceiling. When Joker complains of not being able to breathe, Alfred sends him back down.

Batman and Robin arrive to see that Alfred has everything in hand, so they check on Towser, whom Harriet has untied, and who has learned the error of her ways. Meanwhile, Alfred continues to send Joker up and down the bat-pole over and over again. Later, we find out that Alfred’s art is now being displayed in the same art gallery from the show’s opening, with the proceeds of sales going to charity.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Bruce wears a tracking device that Robin and Alfred are able to track on the Bat-radar in the Batcave, thus enabling Robin to show up to rescue Bruce and the other millionaires.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Alfred clues them via Harriet regarding the Joker’s arrival, Dick utters, “Holy tip-off!” When Muzzy declares Joker’s “art” to be brilliant, Robin grumbles, “Holy hoaxes!” When Bruce and the other millionaires are kidnapped, Robin cries, “Holy hostage!” When he’s tied to the mobile, Robin laments, “Holy hamburger!”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon promises that he and O’Hara will sit in Gordon’s office until Batman gives them the go-ahead to act. You gotta wonder what other crimes were going on that Doofus and Dumbass ignored, since they stayed in the office until very late that night.

Special Guest Villain. Cesar Romero makes his final second-season appearance (and arguably his best) as the Joker. He’ll be back in the third season’s “Surf’s Up! Joker’s Under!” (arguably his worst).

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“That’s terrible—terrible, Wayne! Why even a three-year-old could do better than that. Here, let me show you.” [Joker mushes the sculpture to make it more abstract.] “There! That’s more like it!”

“Yes, I see what you mean, that’s about the level of a three-year-old.”

“I do the jokes around here, Wayne.”

“I’d say that’s one of your better ones.”

–Joker and Bruce engaging in witty banter.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 45 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author and podcaster Kevin Lauderdale.

The episode is a spoof of the art world in general and the pop-art phenomenon (of which this series was considered a part) in particular. Baby Jane Towser is a play on Baby Jane Holzer, part of the inner circle of pop-art guru Andy Warhol, while Joker’s competition in the art contest are plays on Leonardo da Vinci, Jackson Pollock, Pablo Picasso, and Vincent van Gogh.

The Jack Nicholson Joker went on a similar spray-painting spree in an art gallery in the 1989 Batman, no doubt an homage to this episode. (And be honest, some of you heard Prince’s “Batdance” in your head when you rewatched the scene in this episode, right?)

Long-time character actor Fritz Feld plays Muzzy, complete with his trademark popping noise. He’ll return in another Joker episode in season three, “The Joker’s Flying Saucer.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Friendship ends when real felony finally takes over.” Once again, the show proves that they should have gone for overt satire more often. One of the best stories they ever did was “Hizzoner the Penguin” / “Dizzoner the Penguin,” a brilliant sendup of the political process, and this time they take on the abstract art movement of the 20th century. The art commentary is hilarious, and I say that as someone who actually likes abstract art.

Cesar Romero is at his best here. He just cuts loose and acts crazy, freed from constraints by pointing out that he’s an artist, and the rules of decorum and society don’t apply to him anyhow, so there, nyah, nyah. It’s a delightful performance, probably Romero’s best.

And he’s matched by Adam West, who gets a rare chance to stretch his legs while not wearing the cape-and-cowl, and the scenes with him and the Joker bantering are some of the best in the whole series. West was often at his best when getting to be Bruce for an extended period (best seen in the feature film), and this is a prime example.

But the best, the absolute best, thing about this glorious episode is that it isn’t the Dynamic Duo who save the day, it’s Alfred. He singlehandedly stops the Joker, first by tricking him into thinking the safe is behind the painting, then beating him in poker-fencing, then sending him on a trip up and down the bat-poles. Take that, Sean Pertwee!

It’s not quite perfect. Diane Ivarson spends most of her time speaking at the top of her lungs for no compellingly good reason, and her character is wildly inconsistent depending on the needs of the story. And the deathtrap is visually lame, a victim of the low budget.

Still, these are minor nits in one of the brightest spots of the uneven second season.

Bat-rating: 9

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s next novel is Marvel’s Sif: Even Dragons Have Their Endings, Book 2 of the “Tales of Asgard” trilogy, which is scheduled to be released on the 15th of November and is available for preorder from both Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also preorder Book 3 of the trilogy, Marvel’s Warriors Three: Godhood’s End, from Amazon or B&N.

“Ice Spy”/”The Duo Defy”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 59 and 60
Production code 9759
Original air dates: March 29 and 30, 1967

The Bat-signal: The S.S. Gotham Queen is heading back to Gotham City from a cruise. Among the guests are Professor Isaacson, who has developed a formula for creating instant ice, and Glacia Glaze, the ice skating star. However, Glaze is truly a moll for Mr. Freeze, who approaches the boat in a submarine disguised as an iceberg. As the ship’s crew panics over the presence of an iceberg just outside Gotham Harbor, Mr. Freeze is able to kidnap Isaacson. Unfortunately for Mr. Freeze, Isaacson hasn’t written down the formula for the instant ice—it’s all in his head, and he’s not talking. (We also learn that Mr. Freeze has a seal named Isolde in his ice sub, and she’s a homing seal.)

Upon learning of the kidnapping, Gordon calls Batman, and he and Robin hie to GCPD HQ tout de suite, where Gordon provides Batman with the passenger list for the Gotham Queen.

Mr. Freeze’s hideout is under the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena. He’s trying to torture the information out of Isaacson by putting him in a quick freezer (conveniently labelled “QUICK FREEZER”).

Feeding the passenger list through the Batcomputer, they find Emma Strunk, which is Glaze’s real name. As it happens, Bruce is escorting Harriet to the ice revue that Glaze is debuting this evening, and taking her backstage to meet the skater, so Bruce can find out if Glaze is, in fact, Mr. Freeze’s accomplice as they suspect.

Isolde is sent by Mr. Freeze to Gordon’s office with a note that provides a list of ransom demands for Isaacson’s return. Bruce is to provide televised assurance that the money will be paid, and Batman and Robin are to deliver the ransom at midnight. Gordon calls Batman on the Batphone while O’Hara calls Bruce on the regular phone. O’Hara has Gordon put the two phones together so Batman can talk to Bruce, which results in a hilarious bit of vaudeville by Adam West as he talks to himself. Batman suggests to Bruce that they prerecord Bruce’s message with a dummy package of money.

Bruce takes Harriet back to meet with Glaze. Harriet at one point picks up Glaze’s compact to admire it—but it’s also got a hidden radio that Glaze uses to talk to Mr. Freeze. Glaze covers the voice of Mr. Freeze on the compact when Harriet opens it as it being a music box, but Bruce knows better…

Harriet goes to Bruce’s box to watch stock footage of people ice skating while Bruce and Dick set up for Batman and Robin to appear as quickly as possible after Bruce records his message to Mr. Freeze.

Isaacson is from Iceland, so the quick freezer has no real effect on him. Undaunted, Mr. Freeze calls for his dry ice injector.

Bruce records his message in Gordon’s office, then he excuses himself and Dick so they can change clothes. Batman and Robin take the dummy money, telling Gordon they’re not going to bother waiting for Mr. Freeze’s instructions, as they think they know where he is.

At midnight, Mr. Freeze injects dry ice into Isaacson and puts him back in the deep freezer, then turns on the TV to watch Bruce’s message. As they watch, Batman and Robin show up with the fake money and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes do not fare well, and they’re tossed into the vaporizing transparent pipe pump (confusingly labelled, “SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURE VAPORIZING CABINET”). Mr. Freeze plans to freeze them and put them under the ice of the arena above, so that Glaze can skate right on Batman and Robin.

Once the cabinet is covered in frost, Mr. Freeze activates the vaporizer, which whisks all the contents of the cabinet into the ice rink upstairs. Mr. Freeze then removes Isaacson from the quick freezer—now he’s willing to talk, as the dry ice has made him more susceptible to the cold (just run with it), but he’s so cold he can’t remember the formula.

Mr. Freeze finds out about Harriet picking up the compact/radio, so he figures that the hideout is burned, and the cops will be all over them once Batman and Robin don’t report in, so they take Isaacson and head to their alternate hideout in Gotham Harbor.

Once they depart, Batman and Robin emerge from the seal cage. Turns out that there was an emergency exit in the cabinet, but they didn’t make use of it until after the cabinet was frosted over, so Mr. Freeze would think them dead.

The next morning there are a sea of icebergs in Gotham Harbor, brought there by Mr. Freeze with his ice magnets to disguise which iceberg is the one hiding his hideout. In that hideout, Isaacson finally provides the formula. Mr. Freeze then sends demands directly to the president, who calls the governor, who calls Gordon. Mr. Freeze plans to send the world into a new Ice Age if his demands aren’t met, and he’s going to demonstrate with his thermodynamic ice ray beam, created under Isaacson’s direction. He fires it, and it freezes everything in Gotham City—even the Batcomputer in the Batcave!

Batman has O’Hara attach a homing device to Isolde’s flipper and release the seal into Gotham Harbor. Tracking the seal in the Bat-copter, they find Mr. Freeze’s hideout, and confront him. Fisticuffs ensue, and this time our heroes are victorious. Gordon and O’Hara show up (in parkas) to take Mr. Freeze, Glaze, and the henchmen away.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-computer spits out names on the passenger list based on Batman feeding it a list of the passengers. Right. Also Dick uses the Remote Batmobile Phase Advancer to get the Batmobile to drive on its own for the fourteen miles from the Batcave to GCPD HQ because Dick is too young to drive it himself, and Alfred is needed to take care of Harriet while Bruce is off doing crimefighting. Batman keeps a small echoing seal pulsator in his utility belt, and for fighting Mr. Freeze, the Dynamic Duo wear superthermalized Bat-skivvies and also take reverse thermal Bat-lozenges. We also get the triumphant return of the Bat-copter!

And in the end we find out that Batman keeps live fish in his utility belt. Yes, really.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon learning that Emma Strunk is actually Glaze, Robin cries, “Holy ice skates!” When they meet the Carpet King, Robin utters, “Holy floor covering!” After they find a frozen Batcomputer, Robin grumbles, “Holy chilblains!” When the Bat-copter flies over the icebergs, Robin yells, “Holy polar ice sheet!

Gotham City’s finest. After O’Hara makes a tiresomely long pronouncement about how awesome Batman is, Gordon totally trolls him with the rejoinder, “Begorrah!” in a comedy Irish accent. The look O’Hara gives him is priceless.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Glaze is obviously completely smitten with Mr. Freeze—which must be a relief to the villain, since last time he had to kidnap a woman to get a moll, and she never went for it.

Special Guest Villain. Eli Wallach is the third and final person to play Mr. Freeze, following George Sanders in “Instant Freeze” / “Rats Like Cheese” and Otto Preminger in “Green Ice” / “Deep Freeze.” Just as Preminger was cast because Sanders wasn’t available, Wallach was cast because Preminger wasn’t available for this one. Wallach claimed later that he got more fan mail for playing Mr. Freeze than any other role in his long and storied career.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“The chief executive was just beginning an early-morning address to Congress, and when he looked at his teleprompter, what do you think he saw?”

“His speech?”

–Gordon using a common rhetorical technique, and O’Hara screwing it up.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 46 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Ken Reid, pop-culture guru, standup comic, and host of TV Guidance Counselor.

This is the first of two times that a villain role has been recast twice. The other will be Catwoman when Eartha Kitt shows up to succeed Julie Newmar and Lee Meriwether in the role in “Catwoman’s Dressed to Kill.”

Part 1’s title is a play on I, Spy, a popular contemporary series starring Robert Culp and Bill Cosby.

Leslie Parrish plays Glaze; she was last seen as Dawn Robbins in “The Penguin’s a Jinx.” She also played Carolyn Palamas in Star Trek‘s “Who Mourns for Adonais?” Another Trek connection is Elisha Cook Jr., the great character actor, playing Isaacson here; Cook was Sam Cogley in Trek‘s “Court Martial.”

The window cameo is Cyril Lord the Carpet King, who was a somewhat famous carpet salesman in Los Angeles, but completely unknown outside southern California, so his cameo no doubt confused viewers elsewhere who usually expected to recognize the person sticking their head out the window…

At one point, Gordon passes a message to his daughter Barbara to take a later flight to Gotham City. Barbara will appear in the third season, starting in the very next episode, played by Yvonne Craig.

In his autobiography, Eli Wallach tells the story of how he complained to his wife, Anne Jackson, about the fact that Arnold Schwarzeneggar got millions of dollars to play Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin when Wallach only got $2500. He asked her what he had to do to get that kind of money, and Jackson said, “Grow muscles.” Schwarzeneggar—by then, governor of California—heard about the exchange, and sent Wallach a pair of miniature gold barbells.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “‘To each his own,’ the woman said as she kissed the cow.” Perhaps presaging the move toward single-episode storylines in the upcoming third season, this particular two-parter really doesn’t have enough story for an hour. Usually when I do a rewatch, I’m taking notes as I go, and often have to hit the pause button because the episode is zipping past what I’m typing. I think I hit pause less on this rewatch than any other Bat-story, and possibly any other rewatch entry since I started doing this for Tor.com in 2011.

Some of this is amusing, like the many look-ins on Gordon and O’Hara, in which it’s clear that Gordon doesn’t think particularly highly of O’Hara (not that you can blame him). None of the Gordon-O’Hara scenes do anything to advance the plot, particularly the one where they’re wondering where Batman and Robin are—especially hilarious because, with a dangerous criminal on the loose, Batman and Robin went home to Wayne Manor to get some sleep after escaping the deathtrap, and never checked in with Gordon. This was solely so Mr. Freeze would have time to gather all the icebergs into Gotham Harbor, which was very accommodating of the Caped Crusader…

Eli Wallach is having a grand old time as Mr. Freeze, though his comedy German accent is painful to listen to at times, while Elisha Cook Jr. is having an equally grand time daffying it up as Isaacson. And the seal is really cute.

But this storyline just drags, and even the most entertaining part—Bruce having a conversation with himself on two different phones in order to maintain his secret identity—is there for no good reason, as that entire elaborate setup is pointless, because Batman already knows the location of Mr. Freeze’s hideout thanks to Harriet picking up Glaze’s compact. It’s a great bit of comic lunacy for Adam West, so we can take it. However, that doesn’t excuse all the other awful filler, all the way to the mind-numbing scene at the end with Harriet and the playroom and the race-car scene.

This would’ve actually made a decent single story in the third season, especially since it might have meant less of the Gordon-O’Hara double act, and less of Leslie Parrish’s terminally uninteresting Glaze. As it stands, though, it’s the best evidence that moving to single episodes was the right move…

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s next novel is Marvel’s Sif: Even Dragons Have Their Endings, Book 2 of the “Tales of Asgard” trilogy, which is scheduled to be released on the 15th of November and is available for preorder from both Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You can also preorder Book 3 of the trilogy, Marvel’s Warriors Three: Godhood’s End, from Amazon or B&N, and of course you can still get Book 1, Marvel’s Thor: Dueling with Giants, from Amazon, B&N, other online dealers, or your local bookstore.

“Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 1
Production code 1701
Original air dates: September 14, 1967

The Bat-signal: Batman and Robin return to the Batcave, having just stopped Catwoman’s latest scheme. They head up the batpoles, as Bruce and Dick are going to the opera with Gordon, O’Hara, and Gordon’s daughter Barbara, who has just moved to Gotham City. Barbara has just gotten her MLS and is now working at the Gotham City Public Library.

However, when Barbara arrives at her apartment building, she’s kidnapped by Penguin.

Gordon and O’Hara arrive at her apartment—where her afternoon newspaper is still sitting on her welcome mat—but there’s no sign of her, because she’s tied up in the vacant apartment next door, a prisoner of Penguin. When Bruce and Dick arrive, Penguin calls Barbara’s phone. Gordon is livid at his daughter being kidnapped, and Bruce offers to pay whatever ransom Penguin wants—but he doesn’t want a ransom, he wants a wife. He’s already placed an item in the society pages saying that Penguin is engaged to Barbara.

For her part, Barbara is defiant right up until Penguin threatens Gordon, at which point Barbara consents to marry the crook, as long as her father remains unharmed. Penguin locks her in a room with a bridal gown for her to change into.

Gordon and O’Hara return to police HQ to call Batman, while Bruce and Dick head to Wayne Manor to slide down the batpoles and be there for the call.

Meanwhile, Alfred is having dinner with the Reverend Hazlitt to discuss a church supper that Alfred is helping organize. They’re interrupted by Penguin’s henchmen, who are there to kidnap a minister to perform the wedding. Alfred quickly claims to be the minister in question over Hazlitt’s attempt to object, and he allows himself to be kidnapped, alerting Batman via a signal in his belt buckle along the way.

They track Alfred to one of the locations the Batcomputer revealed to be a possible hideout for the Penguin. (At no point do they comment on the fact that it’s in Barbara’s building.) But even as they trundle off in the Batmobile, Barbara has effected an escape of her own, climbing out the window just as Alfred is put in the locked room with her and the dummy she put the bridal gown on. She traverses the ledge to the window of her own apartment, and reveals a revolving wall that leads to a secret room where she keeps the accoutrements for her other identity as Batgirl.

Batman and Robin arrive at the same time that Batgirl shows up, and fisticuffs ensue, with our trio of heroes putting the kibosh on Penguin and his henchmen. However, Batgirl takes a powder, and Penguin manages to gas the Dynamic Duo while they’re trying to free Alfred from the room he’s locked in.

Penguin quickly has his henchmen put Batman, Robin, Alfred, and “Barbara” (actually the gown-wearing dummy) into sacks and tosses them onto a waiting mattress truck on the street. Batgirl sees this from the ledge as she’s on her way back to her own apartment, and quickly gives chase in her Batgirl-cycle.

Batman and Robin are hung over a pot of scalding water, but Batgirl shows up. Fisticuffs ensue, which distracts Penguin’s people long enough for Alfred to free the Dynamic Duo (after socking Penguin in the jaw a couple times). While Batman and Robin take care of Penguin and his thugs, Batgirl gets Alfred to swear to keep her identity a secret. He also covers for her to change clothes back into the wedding dress and get in the sack, so she can pretend to have been kidnapped this entire time. The good guys win, the bad guys lose, and all’s right with the world.

As an added bonus, it’s Dick’s birthday and he passed his driver’s test. Bruce gives him a shiny red 1968 Plymouth Barracuda Convertible as a present. Meanwhile, Gordon gets a call from the Riddler…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Alfred has an emergency belt buckle bat-call signal, which alerts on the emergency bat-callbox (oddly labelled “EMERGENCY BATCALL BOX”) in the Batcave, and they use the Bat-radarscope to track him. They have bat-tools that allow them to bat-pick a lock.

Meanwhile, Batgirl has toys of her own, including a secret room in her apartment, a purloined freight elevator, and a Batgirl-cycle.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy complications!” Robin states when they learn that Alfred is in trouble. “Holy agility,” Robin enthuses to Batgirl after seeing her in action against the Penguin.

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon actually is able to deduce that Barbara hasn’t been home at all, based on the afternoon paper still being on her welcome mat. (Yeah, it’s an obvious clue, but by GCPD standards, this counts as genius.)

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Barbara is Bruce’s date, officially, when they go see the opera. So naturally, Bruce thinks it’s very important for Dick to come along. Yeah.

Special Guest Villain. Burgess Meredith is back as the Penguin, for his first of three appearances this season—he and the Joker are the only villains who will return twice in this final year. He’ll be back in “The Sport of Penguins.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na. “I don’t know whether to call him ‘Daddy’ or just ‘Commish’.”

“If I were you, Penguin, I’d call ‘help,’ right now.”

“When we get through with you, Penguin, you’ll be hollering ‘Uncle’ instead of ‘Daddy’.”

Penguin trying to figure out what to call his future father-in-law, and Batman and Robin providing some suggestions.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 49 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author and audio drama producer Jay Smith.

With this episode, the show is reduced to a weekly, rather than twice-weekly, schedule, airing only on Thursdays. Most (like this one) were single standalone episodes, with only a few two-parters (and one more three-parter). In order to keep the cliffhanger theme going, the next week’s villain generally makes a preview cameo at the end of the episode to set up the subsequent one—to that end, Frank Gorshin briefly appears as the Riddler in the tag at the end of this week.

Yvonne Craig debuts the role of Barbara Gordon, a.k.a. Batgirl, in this episode (after having been mentioned in both “Batman’s Waterloo” and “The Duo Defy“), and she will remain a co-star of the show for the remainder of its run. Even as she is added to the credits, Madge Blake is removed, as Blake’s ill health made it impossible for her to continue in the role (though she will make two guest appearances, in “Ring Around the Riddler” and “The Bloody Tower”).

Because Howie Horwitz didn’t think it was “ladylike” for a woman to engage in fisticuffs, Batgirl’s fight choreography is centered on kicks (thus making use of Craig’s dance training).

The sound effects are once again changed with a new season, as now they flash.

The New York Public Library’s main research library on 5th Avenue and 42nd Street is used for the establishing shot of the Gotham City Public Library.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Bats! I’m surrounded by bats!” Let me state for the record that I love the addition of Batgirl to the cast. I’m the child of librarians, so I approve of a heroic character who is one (see also: Giles, Rupert; Carsen, Flynn), I like her cheeky attitude, and best of all I like her costume. It’s a small thing, but the red hair that sticks out from under her cowl is a brilliant bit of concealment, since hair color and style is one of the main things we use to identify people. I find it impossible to credit that anyone who sees both Bruce Wayne and Batman, and especially anyone who sees both Dick Grayson and Robin can miss that they’re one and the same, but I can buy it with Barbara Gordon and Batgirl.

So while I enjoy her introduction—especially the misdirect in thinking that she’s the helpless victim who needs the Dynamic Duo to rescue her, only to have the tables turned and she’s the one who rescues them—it’s just a pity that it has to happen in an episode that makes absolutely no sense.

Penguin’s plan, on the surface, seems to fit his common mode of trying something nominally legitimate (running for mayor, becoming a movie mogul, starting a security company) as a cover for criminal activity, but the details make no sense. How would marrying the commissioner’s daughter under duress do anything to keep him safe from prosecution? Gordon is obviously livid at the very notion of Barbara being in the same room as Penguin, what makes the criminal think that forcibly marrying his daughter will make his life in any way easier?

Amusingly, Batman and Robin are pretty much totally useless in this episode. If you remove them from the episode entirely, not much would have been different. Alfred does a lot more, truly, from his heroically claiming to be the minister to save Hazlitt from being kidnapped to his thrashing of Penguin. (Take that, Sean Pertwee!)

I also have to wonder about Barbara’s apartment. I mean yeah, Wayne Manor has a Batcave and a secret sliding bookcase and whatnot, but Bruce is a millionaire (which we’re reminded of every time his name is spoken). Barbara is a librarian (a first-year librarian, no less!) whose father is a government employee. No way she has the money to put a revolving wall in her apartment. Plus, how’d she get access to the freight elevator without anyone noticing? And how’d she put that door in the brick wall?

Keeping the story to half an hour actually works wonders, as we’re spared a lot of the filler and nonsense, and I like the fact that they break with the formula by starting with the end of the previous week’s case and going to Barbara’s kidnapping, with Gordon’s call to Batman not happening until long after the credits.

But the nonsense-o-meter is up around eleven on this one…

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido is at Philcon 2016 this weekend in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, along with C.J. Cherryh, David Seeley, and L.E. Modesitt Jr., among many others. He’ll be doing bits of programming and also spending time at the eSpec Books table. His schedule can be found here.

“Ring Around the Riddler”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episode 2
Production code 1707
Original air dates: September 21, 1967

The Bat-signal: The Riddler is hiding out in a little-used gymnasium (conveniently labelled “LITTLE USED GYMNASIUM”) and trying to get Kid Gulliver to throw a fight. He won’t do it, so Riddler tosses him in the steam room to convince him. His plan is to take over Gotham’s boxing industry.

Kid Gulliver takes a dive in the third round. Bruce, Dick, and Alfred are watching, and Bruce solemnly calls an emergency meeting of the Gotham Boxing Commission (of which he is the chair), as he’s SHOCKED! to learn that there are undesirable elements getting involved in boxing.

Riddler leaves a box covered in blinky lights at the Gotham Square Garden box office. Barbara shortly thereafter comes to the box office to buy tickets, and discovers the box. She changes to Batgirl and calls Gordon, who calls Batman. The blinky box is brought to Gordon’s office, where Batman manages to get it open, and there’s a note in amongst some metal filings. It, of course, has a riddle: “Who rules the ring? No king, prince, or rajah, look for a clue on the walls of Kafajah.”

Kid Gulliver has disappeared, kidnapped by the Riddler, having pumped him full of “riddle juice,” which keeps him amnesiac and dopey.

Batman and Robin bat-climb Barbara’s building to consult her (at Gordon’s suggestion) about Kafajah. She points out that the temple there was home to fisticuffs before boxing. They realize Riddler’s riddle was referring to a boxing ring. Gordon stops by to see his daughter and also tell Batman and Robin that Kid Gulliver was found outside Gotham Square Garden with no memory of the fight.

The Dynamic Duo hie to the Garden while the Gordons watch a sports talk show hosted by Riddler’s moll, Betsy Boldface, who interviews Riddler disguised as “Mushy Nebuchadnezzar,” southwest Asia’s finest boxer, dressed in a turban and the Riddler’s purple mask. (Don’t ask.)

At the Garden, O’Hara has been given the same riddle juice that Gulliver got, and Batman and Robin—after being tormented by the Riddler—get him off to the hospital.

Meanwhile, Barbara talks to her bird Charlie—since she has neither a partner nor a butler with whom to have expository dialogue. She doesn’t think Mushy is a real southwestern Asian based on his chin (the only thing she could see under the turban), so she goes to investigate the exotic food that Mushy claimed to be eating. Batgirl tracks Betsy (buying the food) to Riddler’s lair, where he has three boxing champs kidnapped. Riddler asks Siren (who showed up early for next week’s shoot) to stop her, but her powers only affect men. They put Batgirl in the steam room, and then bring the boxers—who are successfully put under Siren’s spell—and have them thrown into the steam room as well. However, Batgirl has successfully escaped the steam room. Because she’s just that awesome.

Gordon summons Batman and Robin, as well as Barbara. Riddler wants Batman to face Mushy in the ring, and he taunts Batman, calling him a coward (and broadcasting that taunt on the radio), until he agrees. This actually works.

Batman and Riddler face each other in the ring, and Batman does very well until Riddler hits Batman with a bunch of metal filings, and then suddenly he can’t move. Barbara excuses herself and changes to Batgirl and finds Betsy wielding a giant magnet under the boxing ring, which is keeping Batman in place. Batgirl takes care of both Betsy and magnet, and Batman can now move. Batman starts to win the fight again, so Riddler legs it to his hideout, where Batgirl and Betsy are waiting. Batman, Robin, and Alfred show up and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes are quickly triumphant, though Riddler threatens to return.

Gordon gets buzzed by Bonnie, who says that Lorelei Circe is here to see him—but it’s actually Siren, and she ensorcells him with her singing…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The only bat-device used is the bat-stethoscope Batman uses on Riddler’s blinky box.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When told that Kafajah was an early source of boxing, Robin cries, “Holy hieroglyphics!” After Riddler disappears from sight, Robin yells, “Holy blackout!” When Harriet shows up at the boxing match, Robin grumbles, “Holy missing relatives!” When Riddler hits Batman with magnetized bits, Robin screams, “Holy sudden incapacitation!”

Gotham City’s finest. Riddler gives O’Hara a dose of his riddle juice for no apparent plot reason whatsoever.

Special Guest Villain. After a one-year absence, and after the failed substitutes of Maurice Evans as the Puzzler and John Astin as the Riddler, Frank Gorshin at last returns to the role of the Riddler for the first time since the feature film. It’s his only appearance this season, and therefore his last appearance on the show, though he will reprise the role of the Riddler in one of the godawful Legends of the Superheroes specials from 1979 alongside Adam West and Burt Ward.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Gentlemen, if we had our choice of laps to sit on, which would we choose?”

“Laps to sit on?”

“Kid Gulliver’s temporary lapse of memory.”

–Riddler and his henchman indulging in my favorite of Riddler’s pun-filled riddles in the episode. Hey, I laughed!

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 50 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Dan Greenfield of the 13th Dimension.

Madge Blake makes one of only two appearances this season as Harriet, as Blake was ill and had basically retired from acting. She’ll be back in “The Bloody Tower.”

James Brolin makes his third appearance, and first in a non-Catwoman episode, this time as Kid Gulliver. He was also in “The Catwoman Goeth” and “The Cat and the Fiddle.”

In addition to appearing the tag to tease her appearance in the following episode, Joan Collins also appears as the Siren in the episode’s middle helping Riddler out, an additional tease.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “When is a prize fight like a beautiful lady?” On the one hand, yay, Frank Gorshin’s back as the Riddler! Of all the problems the uneven second season had, the biggest was the lack of Gorshin’s Riddler. His manic energy, his superlative line deliveries, his laugh—all were very sorely missed last season.

And his riddles are actually a lot of fun this time. Some puns, some wordplay, some goofiness—a good, if not great, cross-section of his various riddling styles.

Unfortunately, it’s wrapped around a plot that is nonsensical even by the low standards of Batman ’66. Riddler taking over Gotham’s boxing matches sorta kinda makes sense in the abstract as a plot, as there’s money in them thar fights, but the way he goes about it is bizarre, to say the least, and why put himself in the ring to fight Batman?

It’s very rare that a TV show does a boxing episode and that episode winds up being good. There are occasional exceptions, but mostly it’s just painfully bad, and this is one of the most egregious examples ever. I mean, seriously, why did anyone think it was a good idea to do an episode featuring Batman boxing against the villain when the villain in question is the 5’8″ Gorshin? (Batman even remarked on it, commenting that Riddler is shorter than Robin, which is strictly speaking not true, Burt Ward is actually half an inch shorter than Gorshin, but we’ll let it go.)

I do like the fact that they use Barbara’s mad librarian skillz to consult on the case, and I love that Alfred is involved in the climactic fisticuffs (take that, Sean Pertwee!), and I like that the moll isn’t a traditional pretty young thang, but an older woman with a butch haircut who hosts a sports talk show.

And Frank Gorshin is back! Worth it just for that.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest fiction: three Super City Cops novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains that will be published in December, January, and February by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including covers, promo copy, and preorder links, can be found on Keith’s blog.

“The Wail of the Siren”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by george waGGner
Season 3, Episode 3
Production code 1708
Original air dates: September 28, 1967

The Bat-signal: The Siren has ensorcelled Gordon in his office with her mastery of the tone two octaves above high C. She has Gordon call Batman and tell him to go to a particular place—Gordon himself suggests Barbara’s apartment.

When he does so, Dick expresses confusion as to why he would want them to go there, never mind the fact that Gordon met the two of them at Barbara’s apartment just last week. Our heroes slide down the poles and head out in the Batmobile to Barbara’s building, parking in the underground garage.

However, Gordon doesn’t show up for the meeting, which also includes O’Hara. While Batman, Robin, Barbara, and O’Hara wonder what’s up, Siren instructs Gordon to hide in the trunk of the Batmobile. His task is to learn Batman and Robin’s secret identities and glean the location of the Batcave.

At her hideout in a grotto, Siren expresses her admiration for the evil women of history and literature, like Mata Hari, Lady Macbeth, and Lucrezia Borgia, rather than the good ones like Florence Nightingale and Molly Pitcher. Her goal is to ensorcell Bruce Wayne and expose Batman and Robin’s identities.

The party at Barbara’s place breaks up. Batman and Robin head to the Batcave to see if the Bat-computer can provide answers, O’Hara heads back to the office, and Barbara decides to investigate the chanteuse who’s in town named Lorelei Circe, for reasons the script doesn’t bother to provide. Barbara changes into costume and heads out, accompanied by her very own theme song, which probably won’t make your ears bleed…

Batman and Robin return to the Batcave (along with their surprise passenger). After the Bat-computer fails to provide any leads (it’s only programmed with information about criminals),  they head upstairs to get some food, leaving Alfred to dust the cave. Gordon then pops out of the trunk (why he waited this long to do so is left as an exercise for the viewer) and quickly deduces that Alfred is both Bruce Wayne’s butler and the voice that answers the Bat-phone, so Bruce and Batman must be one and the same. But before he can call Siren to report this intelligence, Alfred takes him out with a spray can of bat-sleep and brings him upstairs (by hand, without help—take that, Sean Pertwee!).

While Bruce, Dick, and Alfred try to figure out what to do, Siren calls Wayne Manor and uses her voice to ensorcell Bruce. At her direction, he goes to the Wayne Foundation, to the confusion of Dick and Alfred. Batgirl then calls on the Bat-phone from Gordon’s office. Somehow she’s figured out that Siren is going after Bruce and can captivate men over the phone. Dick tells her to meet him at the Wayne Foundation, and is evasive when she asks if Batman will be there, too.

At the foundation, Bruce goes into the wall safe—hidden behind a painting of a wall safe (well, everything else in Gotham is labelled!)—and hands over his ready cash and family jewels, and also signs over his assets to Siren. Now she just needs to know Batman’s identity, so she calls Gordon’s office—but, of course, Gordon’s still asleep in Wayne Manor. O’Hara answers the phone so Siren ensorcells him and tells him to literally go jump in a lake.

Robin and Batgirl show up. Siren’s voice doesn’t work on Batgirl at all, and Robin’s wearing bat-earplugs—however, Siren now owns the building, so she kicks them out. Our law-abiding heroes do as they’re told, but Robin leaves a bug behind. They hear Siren order Bruce—now a penniless fop—to jump off the roof.

However, Batgirl and Robin arrive on the rooftop just in time to stop Bruce from committing suicide, and then fisticuffs ensue. Siren winds up dangling off the roof, and Robin is only willing to pull her up if she cures Bruce—which she does with an antidote note that’s three octaves above high C. It reverts Bruce to normal, but destroys her voice forever.

Batgirl rescues O’Hara from the lake, and then Gordon is reawakened in his office, not remembering anything of what happened when he was under Siren’s spell, to Batman and Robin’s visible relief. Siren is taken off to jail, while the Bat-computer provides an alert that Penguin is back in town, and he’s got an accomplice…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-computer has a resistance light that goes on when it’s confronted with a question it can’t answer. Batman keeps bat-sleep near the phone for whatever reason. Robin wears bat-earplugs that can block any sound over 14,000 deciBels—which is irrelevant, as it isn’t the volume of Siren’s voice that has the effect, it’s the frequency, not to mention that no sound on Earth is higher than 194 dB.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy one-track-Bat-computer mind!” Robin on-the-noses when they realize that the computer can’t answer a question about Gordon because it’s only programmed for criminals. “Holy stand-stills!” Robin grumbles when the elevator at the Wayne Foundation is irritatingly slow. “Holy fourth amendment,” Robin sighs when Siren kicks them out of the Wayne Foundation that she now owns.

Gotham City’s finest. While enslaved by Siren, Gordon finally puts together the evidence that’s been in front of his face all these years: that Bruce and Dick are Batman and Robin, with Alfred, to whom he talks all the friggin time on the bat-phone, being the bog-obvious connection, thus proving that he’s a better cop when mind-controlled than he is normally.

Special Guest Villainess. After her cameo last time, Joan Collins is front and center as Siren, a role that was actually written specifically for her. She’s the first of several one-and-done villains created for the third season, though she will be seen again in a non-speaking role in the animated film The Return of the Caped Crusaders.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Oh Bruce, if only you were more like Batman.”

–Batgirl making an unintentional funny.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 51 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Glenn Greenberg, author, journalist, critic, and former Marvel Comics editor.

Stanley Ralph Ross already knew Collins well, as he had collaborated on a musical with her husband, Anthony Newley.

While Siren claims the note she’s using is two octaves above high C, which would still make it a C, the actual note that’s played when Siren uses her voice is an F#. She also says that the antidote note, which is three octaves above high C, would destroy her voice, despite Barbara earlier saying that Siren had a range of seven octaves.

Collins is best known for her role on Dynasty as Alexis, as well as her role as Edith Keeler on one of the best episodes of the original Star Trek, “The City on the Edge of Forever.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Whose baby are you, Batgirl?” This is a fun little episode, remarkable for the fact that Batman is utterly irrelevant to it. Batman’s sole contributions to this episode are to drive to and from Barbara’s apartment and to fail to get the Bat-computer to work right. After that, Bruce spends the bulk of the episode mind-controlled.

No, this one is entirely the Batgirl and Robin show, which actually works quite nicely. Robin insisting on obeying the law and not trespassing on Siren’s property (never mind that the papers Bruce signed haven’t been filed with anyone yet, so her ordering them off the property is unenforceable at that moment) is a hundred percent in character, and I like that he leaves a bug behind to set up the climactic fight.

It’s less clear how, exactly Batgirl figured out what she figured out, but it at least gets the plot moving. And the rooftop fight is a joy, as both Robin and Batgirl are obviously having fun—and so are Burt Ward and Yvonne Craig. Plus, we get a little bit of nastiness in Robin once he’s out of Batman’s shadow—he gets to beat up on Bruce a little bit and then extorts Siren for Bruce’s cure, going so far as to threaten her life.

Plus in Joan Collins’s Siren we have an excellent bad guy, and our first real super-villain! Siren is the first Bat-villain to actually have a super-power of any kind. It’s used to good effect, too—I think we’ve all wanted to tell O’Hara to go jump in a lake at various times—plus her plan is actually quite brilliant, both using Gordon to dope out Batman’s secret ID and getting Bruce to sign over his wealth to her. It almost works, too, and it probably would have if Batman and Bruce weren’t actually the same person, which she couldn’t have known going in…

Bat-rating: 8

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and an excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

“The Sport of Penguins” / “A Horse of Another Color”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episodes 4 & 5
Production code 1703
Original air dates: October 5 & 12, 1967

The Bat-signal: It’s the day before the Bruce Wayne Foundation Memorial Handicap—why it’s called that when neither Bruce nor the Foundation are dead is left as an exercise for the viewer—and Lola Lasagne and her horse Parasol are holding a press conference when Penguin shows up and makes off with Lola’s parasol (the accessory, not the horse). Nobody makes a move to stop him even though there are lots of people around and he doesn’t really move all that fast…

Penguin shows up at the Gotham City Library. Barbara is working the information desk, and Penguin beelines for a display of a folio on umbrellas and parasols. He then uses his umbrella’s razor-sharp edge to cut the glass—again, in front of witnesses including the daughter of the police commissioner who’s secretly a superhero—and only when he starts to walk out does she try to stop him. She snatches the folio out of Penguin’s hands and calls her father, but Penguin buggers off, leaving a ticking umbrella behind.

Batman and Robin just happen to be in Gordon’s office when Barbara calls him. The Dynamic Duo head off to the library, where he grabs the umbrella from safely behind the bat-shield—then turns so the umbrella is facing Barbara and Robin. Good job, Caped Crusader!

He runs out to the corridor where the umbrella explodes harmlessly in the bat-bomb machine. Our heroes head to the Batcave to let the bat-computer dope out what Penguin is up to.

Penguin is headquartered in the likely-very-easy-to-find not-so-secret hideout, Penguin’s Bookshop (clearly labelled “PENGUIN’S BOOKSHOP”), which is more of a bookmaking shop, as he’s using the place as his horse-race betting center. Lola shows up, and Penguin announces that the parasol he stole from her is a fake. Turns out the only thing she’s got left after her three-week marriage to the billionaire South American playboy Luigi Lasagne is Parasol, the horse—she had to sell her real collection of rare parasols in order to eat. Her plan is to win the Bruce Wayne Handicap and take the purse—but Penguin points out that it’s a charity race and there is no purse. Since Parasol is the favorite, the betting winnings will be very little. However, they can fix the race by disguising another horse as Parasol and running Parasol under a different name (with her distinctive white stripe painted over).

The bat-computer throws out various bits, including definitions of parasols, Glu Gluten’s Glue Factory, and Lola’s real name of Lulu Schultz, and so our heroes head out to the glue factory to see if it will reveal a clue. After they leave, Alfred calls Barbara and lets her know what Batman and Robin are up to, figuring Batgirl might be interested.

Penguin is livid when he discovers that Batman and Robin stopped his bomb from killing Barbara.

At Glu Gluten’s Glue Factory, there are vats containing adhesive tape, paste, birdlime, fish glue, hoof glue, hot glue, sticky glue, and putty (all clearly labelled of course). Turns out Penguin and Lola are there to buy a horse. Gluten points out that they don’t use horses to make glue anymore, but he happens to keep a spare horse around for emergencies. Batman and Robin enter the factory while Penguin and Lola are haggling with Gluten, and fisticuffs ensue. Batgirl shows up mid-fight and lassos Penguin (thus horning in on Wonder Woman’s action), then helps the Dynamic Duo take down Penguin’s henchmen. However, Penguin gets out of the lasso and makes off with a bucket of library glue (clearly labelled “LIBRARY GLUE”), and glues the Batmobile tires and seats. Meanwhile, Lola snuck off with Gluten’s horse in the confusion.

Batgirl does her usual disappearing act, and our heroes leave the goons tied up and Gluten with a trashed factory and a lost horse. The Dynamic Duo find themselves stuck to their seats in the Batmobile.

Back at Penguin’s Bookshop, Lola assures Penguin that she’s put Gluten’s disguised horse in Parasol’s stall. Their plan to bet on “Bumbershoot,” Parasol’s pseudonym, and clean up will only work if they have money to put down on her in the first place, and they’re both broke, so Penguin breaks into the library to steal the folio he tried to make off with earlier.

Unluckily for Penguin, Barbara has a library alarm next to her bed. She calls Gordon, who calls Batman. The Dynamic Duo, having unglued themselves, show up at the library along with Gordon and O’Hara, but Penguin distracts them with umbrella-induced fireworks and gets away with the folio. Batman thinks this is part of a bigger caper, and he promises Barbara that he’ll get the folio back in an hour.

Penguin’s plan is to get the other horses to scratch, leaving only Parasol and Bumbershoot to race each other, and “Bumbershoot” will win. But first they have to sell the folio, and there’s an ad by a Mr. A.L. Fredd seeking folios on rare items like parasols. Of course, it’s Alfred, and Batman put the ad in the paper. Alfred pays Penguin the ten grand and gets the folio back, and it’s returned to the library, to Barbara’s relief.

Penguin is livid that the folio’s been returned to the library, and he suspects that the whole thing was a setup and that Barbara was involved. He sends one henchman off with a gas-producing penguin to give as a “gift” to his former fiancée while Lola is sent off to apply itching powder to the other horses in the race.

When Penguin enters Bumbershoot, with himself as the jockey, the racing secretary calls Bruce to inform him that the other horses scratched, leaving just Parasol and Bumbershoot. Bruce decides to enter his own thoroughbred, Waynebeau, which he’d originally held back because of the conflict of interest in running his own horse in his own race.

“Parasol” also doesn’t have a jockey—Penguin’s goons took care of him so he wouldn’t expose their plan—so Dick offers to serve as jockey, while Bruce thinks Batgirl would be the perfect jockey for Waynebeau, but he has no way of getting in touch with her. Alfred goes to the library to alert Barbara to Bruce’s desire—and also save her and a fellow librarian from Penguin’s gas—and Dick enters as “Parasol’s” jockey.

As the horses line up, Batgirl shows up on Waynebeau, and the three horses go off. Bumbershoot is in front for most of the race, but Waynebeau rallies and takes the lead, coming in first, followed by Bumbershoot, with Parasol third.

When the race ends Penguin waddles off, and Batgirl and Dick both go after him, while Bruce slips away to change clothes. Batgirl confronts Penguin in the changing room, and fisticuffs ensue, with Batman and Robin joining the fray a moment later (they needed time to get into costume). Penguin and Lola are arrested for fixing the race, and the racing secretary is outraged at the farce that the race turned into.

Gordon heads to the library to take Barbara out to dinner. He finds her in the Egyptology section—and they both encounter King Tut…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman attaches a pair of tongs to the bat-shield so he can dispose of the ticking umbrella in the bat-bomb machine. Batman has anti-percussion asbestos bat-flax in his utility belt. The Batmobile has a library paste bat-dissolving switch, though apparently it sometimes gets stuck. The Bat-computer acts particularly random this week.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon being told that Penguin’s umbrella is ticking, Robin utters, “Holy time-bomb!” After the bat-computer throws seemingly random facts at them, Robin grumbles, “Holy non sequiturs!”

Gotham City’s finest. When Penguin gets away with the folio, Batman stops O’Hara from having his men go after the criminal, and Gordon’s outrage at that notion is uncharacteristically palpable.

Special Guest Villains. Burgess Meredith makes his second appearance of the season, and he’s teamed up with Ethel Merman, playing Lola Lasagne, who also gets billing as the “Extra-Special Guest Villainess.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. A line of Bruce’s presented without comment (but with snickering): “No, Dick, I couldn’t allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I’m sure that our ten grand is gonna be in the feedbag, Lulu.”

“It’s not Lulu, it’s Lola Lasagne.”

“Well, have it your way—lasagne, macaroni, whatever.”

–Penguin and Lola discussing the use of her married name.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 52 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, prolific podcaster The Hunnic Outcast.

This is the first two-parter of the third season, though it’s not structured the same as previous two-parters—the cliffhanger, such as it is, is Batman answering the phone, and there’s no recap of any sort at the top of part two.

There’s an establishing shot of the Gotham Public Library which, like many establishing shots on the show, is a New York location, in this case the New York Public Library’s main research library on Fifth Avenue & 42nd Street (the one with the lions out front), with the words “NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY” clearly etched over the entryway.

There are repeated references to Penguin trying to marry Barbara in “Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin.”

The radio announcer Penguin listened to throughout the two-parter was voiced by the great Gary Owens, probably best known for being the MC of Laugh-In and the voice of Space Ghost.

Parasol’s original jockey is named Wally Bootmaker, a play on famous jockey Willie Shoemaker.

Apparently, Yvonne Craig originally requested to ride Waynebeau herself, but once she saw how fierce the horse was, she let a stuntman do it. (Yes, stuntman. Ah, 1967…)

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Faugh! Double faugh! Triple faugh!” There’s really only one way this story works, and that’s if Bruce is using Penguin’s scheme as a contrivance to get Waynebeau into the Bruce Wayne Handicap without it looking like a conflict of interest.

Or maybe he just really hates the Bruce Wayne Handicap and wants to make a laughingstock of it.

Seriously, why else does he do anything he does in this episode? He had, like, a dozen different opportunities to stop Penguin, most notably when he steals the folio from the library and just walks out. For that matter, he says that he knows where Penguin’s hideout is—not that “Penguin’s Bookshop” is a particularly difficult “secret” hideout to locate, all things considered. Penguin already tried to blow up a library. There really isn’t any need to wait on a bigger plan because no fraud he could commit at the racetrack would be a nastier crime than trying to blow up a library.

But no, he lets Penguin go through with it, even though it means trashing the horse race, screwing up several horses, endangering the life of poor Wally Bootmaker, and just generally committing all manner of reckless acts all to catch Penguin in the act of something that’s nowhere near as nasty as trying to blow up a library.

Hence the need for an ulterior motive. Heck, he’s so eager to make the horse race look stupid and/or make his own horse look good he doesn’t even question how Alfred got word to Batgirl…

Anyhow, without that caveat, the episode is spectacularly stupid. Which is too bad, because the team-up of Ethel Merman with Burgess Meredith is comedy gold. The pair of them are a delight, and the screen lights up when they’re bantering. It’s also a good vehicle for Yvonne Craig, as both Barbara and Batgirl play a large role in the proceedings, plus it’s fun to see Bruce Wayne in action as much as Batman.

But ultimately, this is a truly dopey episode.

Bat-rating: 3

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

“The Unkindest Tut of All”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episodes 6
Production code 1709
Original air dates: October 19, 1967

The Bat-signal: Bruce and Barbara return from a date in Bruce’s limousine. They turn on the TV in the limo to see that King Tut has made the latest in a series of predictions of crimes before they happen. Supposedly Tut is reformed and is now in the crime predicting business. Gordon goes for the Bat-phone, and Dick answers it, signaling Bruce on his wristwatch. Bruce makes excuses and drops Barbara off at her beauty salon, and then returns to Wayne Manor to change into costume and head off to GCPD HQ, where Gordon informs our heroes that Tut has set up in a tent in a vacant lot.

They arrive at the tent to find Tut going through a ritual involving calling to evil gods and such in front of the press to make his next prediction. Batman and Robin think he’s full of it, but he nonetheless prognosticates that the soccer stadium box office will be robbed. Tut hasn’t actually committed any crimes, so the Dynamic Duo leave him be and head out, as does the press.

Once alone, Tut reveals his plan: he’ll “predict” enough crimes that the police will trust him, and then he’ll pull a nasty crime.

Batman and Robin arrive at the soccer stadium to find the box office being robbed. Fisticuffs ensue, though while they fight, a bystander puts a tracker on the Batmobile. Tut is therefore able to determine that the Batcave is located right under Wayne Manor.

Tut calls Bruce’s phone number and asks for Batman. Batman insists that he and Bruce are totally different people, but Tut isn’t buying it and insists that he see Batman and Bruce together in public.

So Bruce shows up at Tut’s tent, as does the Batmobile, which has a dummy that looks just like Batman in the driver’s seat, which Bruce operates by ventriloquism and remote control. Stymied in his attempt to expose Batman, Tut goes back to Plan A: stealing a set of Egyptian scrolls from the Gotham City Library.

In the Batcave, Alfred slides down the bat-pole for the first (and last) time, just for a thrill, and then separately both Batman and Barbara deduce that Tut is going after the scrolls in the library.

Unfortunately, Batman and Robin arrive too late to stop the theft, though they do save the life of the librarian on duty. So did Batgirl, but she stayed out of sight and followed Tut to his secret headquarters. Fisticuffs ensue, but while Batgirl takes out his two henchmen, Tut’s moll hits her with a vase.

Then Batman and Robin show up and more henchmen show up out of nowhere and more fisticuffs ensue, and Tut is defeated.

However, Louie the Lilac is back in town…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-dummy works with the pocket bat-synchronizer to look active. The Batmobile can be preprogrammed to drive on its own and stop at red lights. Also Batman has a two-way wrist radio—just like Dick Tracy!—that communicates with a lamp in the study. (Yes, a lamp. You can’t make this shit up. Well, that is to say, they made this up, but you know what I mean…)

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Tut calls Bruce’s number but asks for Batman, Robin mutters, “Holy heart failure!” After they use the Batman dummy to fool Tut, Batman asks Robin if the dummy was any trouble, and Robin says, “Holy Gemini, it went great!”

Gotham City’s finest. Because Tut “predicts” that the Riddler, Penguin, Egghead, and Siren are all going to break out of prison, Gordon sends all of the city cops to guard the prison, leaving Batman and Robin to protect the rest of the city, at which point they utterly fail to stop Tut from stealing the scrolls.

Special Guest Villain. Victor Buono returns for the first of two appearances this season, the next being “I’ll Be a Mummy’s Uncle.” Stanley Ralph Ross originally wrote this episode and “…Mummy’s Uncle” as a single two-parter, but he rewrote it as two separate episodes when it was decided to go with mostly single episodes for season three.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Barbara and Bruce go on a date to see an accordion recital. Apparently, they were captivated by eight straight renditions of “Lady of Spain.” Later when Bruce asks Barbara in Gordon’s office if they’d want to continue the date, Tut scoffs, saying Bruce is incredibly dull. And when alone with a beautiful woman in the back seat of a limo with the curtains drawn, the only thing Bruce can think of to do is turn on the TV. Yeah…

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Come off it, Tut. Your predictions are nothing but phony fatuous flimflam.”

“Who dares impugn the veracity of Tut—nabob of the Nile, moon god of Thoth, and stuff like that? By the instep of Ramses, I’ll have his head!”

–Batman accusing Tut of mendacity by using alliteration, and Tut invoking a body part of Ramses that is rarely invoked.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 53 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Richard F. Lee, host of the Shazam/Isis Podcast.

Apparently, Tut was in his Yale professor persona, but was hit on the head with a brick during a love-in. Just a little something to remind us that it’s 1967…

The title derives from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, when Marc Antony is eulogizing Caesar in Act 3.

Cathleen Cordell plays the librarian whom Tut ties up in a strangling knot pattern that Batman identifies as being indicative of the Thugees, even though they’re Indian rather than Egyptian.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Balderdash, say I—stuff and nonsense and fooey!” When Victor Buono shows up as King Tut, you know you’re going to have a good time. His zany overacting and W.C. Fields-esque delivery always promises a good time, and Stanley Ralph Ross writes perfectly for him, giving him lots of over-the-top dialogue to spew. It’s a joy.

The plot is actually not bad, if a bit thin. It’s out of the Penguin’s playbook—seem reformed and use it as a cover for a new crime wave—and I like the fact that both of our heroes figure out what Tut’s up to, but arrive too late to actually stop him. (I love the bit when they see the librarian tied up in a manner that will strangle her shortly. First Batman declares that she’ll strangle to death very quickly if they don’t untie her—but then he pauses to lecture Robin on the importance of saving a life over stopping a theft while the poor woman gurgles on the brink of dying. There were times when Adam West’s Batman really was a goddamn sociopath….)

Bruce and Barbara going on a date is a source of great humor and absurdity, and Batman’s solution to Tut’s discovery of his secret identity with the animated dummy is right out of the doofy Silver Age comics that inspired William Dozier in the first place. I like the fact that Tut still thinks Bruce and Batman might be one and the same at the end (the Batmobile did go under Wayne Manor, after all).

And then at the end, Neil Hamilton does a delightful rendering of the old “You don’t say” joke when he’s on the phone with the officer who sighted Louie the Lilac. (“You don’t say. You don’t say? You don’t say!” Hangs up. “Who was it?” “He didn’t say.”)

Just a total delight.

Bat-rating: 8

Rewatcher’s note: We’ll be doing something special next week to close out this 50th anniversary of both Star Trek The Original Series and Batman ’66: Four rewatch extras that deal with stuff related to one or both of the shows in question, which will run on Monday through Thursday of next week (the 26th to the 29th of December). The regular rewatches will re-commence in the first week of January 2017. Have a wonderful bat-holiday, everyone!

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

In honor of the 50th anniversary of both Star Trek and the 1966 Batman TV series, we’ll be spending this final week of 2016 looking at items that relate to one or both of those shows. We start with another William Dozier-produced show about a wealthy man and his acrobatic young sidekick who wear masks and fight crime in a really cool car: The Green Hornet, which is also celebrating its golden anniversary.

The Green Hornet
Created by George W. Trendle
Developed and executive produced by William Dozier
Original air dates: September 9, 1966 – March 24, 1967

Another challenge for the Green Hornet: The Green Hornet was originally created by George W. Trendle, with much of the writing done by Fran Striker, as a radio-show hero in 1936 on WXYZ in Detroit, the same station that debuted The Lone Ranger and Challenge of the Yukon. Britt Reid was intended to be a descendant of John Reid, the true identity of the Lone Ranger (also created by Trendle and Striker).

The show was never as popular as many of the Hornet’s masked counterparts, but he maintained a certain popularity. Trendle had tried to develop a TV show more than once, but it wasn’t until Batman became the hottest thing since sliced bread in early 1966 that it became a reality, as ABC gave the property to William Dozier to develop.

Unfortunately, the Bat-pixie dust had worn off by the time the fall of 1966 rolled around. While Batman‘s first season was a huge success, the novelty had worn off by the second. The darker, more serious tone of Hornet was less appealing to a mass audience, and without Batman‘s pop-art campiness, Hornet proved to be DOA, despite a magnificent reuse of the radio show’s theme music (“The Flight of the Bumblebee”), and it being a star-making turn for a then-unknown young martial artist named Bruce Lee.

Best episode: No single episode stands out as the best, but there are a few particular gems: “The Frog is a Deadly Weapon” makes excellent use of Casey, has a case that actually has some personal stakes for the Hornet, as the bad guy is one of the ones who framed his father, and generally works as a solid actioner.

“Preying Mantis” gives Kato a bit of the spotlight, as he gets an extended fight against Mako’s stunt double. For 1966, it’s a decent portrayal of Chinese culture, which is to say it isn’t entirely a big flaming stereotype. Mako is also one of the few standout villains in the show, most of whom are interchangeable white guys in suits.

The “Beautiful Dreamer” two-parter has another standout villain in Geoffrey Horne’s unctuous spa owner who uses subliminal programming to make normal people commit crimes.

And “Seek, Stalk, and Destroy” is a strong, bittersweet story about military comrades who try to rescue one of their own. What I especially like about this one is that the bad guys are actually pretty good guys. Particular kudos to Paul Carr (best known to Trek fans as Kelso in “Where No Man Has Gone Before“) as the crippled Carter.

Worst episode: The series ended with a spectacular whimper, giving us the truly horrendous “Invasion from Outer Space” two-parter, with Larry D. Mann playing the world’s most unconvincing fake alien. The entire tone of the storyline is an awkward fit with the format for Hornet—it would’ve made a perfectly good Six Million Dollar Man or Wonder Woman episode, but just is head-scratching on this show. And, y’know, it’s awful.

Dishonorable mention for “Freeway to Death.” The team-up of Axford with the Hornet is forced and unconvincing and nowhere near as much as it should be, and Jeffrey Hunter’s steely intensity is wasted on a pretty run-of-the-mill insurance scammer. Also the car chasing on the construction site is stultifyingly dull.

Hornet gun, check. A lot of the Hornet’s enemies in the show are folks who used cutting-edge technology to their benefit, including lasers (which almost sorta kinda worked the way they do in real life, as extreme heat rather than glorified ray-beams), subliminal advertising, a fancy gun that makes no noise or flash, supersonics, a super-computer (though that’s actually a ruse), remote-control arson, scuba divers, a nuclear warhead, etc.

The Hornet himself has several nifty gadgets, such as the hornet sting, the hornet gun, and all the lovely toys in the Black Beauty, most notably the anticipation of drone technology with the flying scanner.

Trivial matters: The Green Hornet has continued to appear regularly in comic books and prose since 1940. Helnit Comics, Harvey, Dell, Gold Key, NOW, and Dynamite have all published Hornet comics, plus DC published a Batman ’66/Green Hornet crossover comic written by Kevin Smith. Prose has been more sporadic, but currently Moonstone has the rights, and they have published three short-story anthologies.

Seth Rogen and Jay Chou starred in a Green Hornet movie released in 2011, written by Rogen and Evan Goldberg and directed by Michael Gondry, which bombed pretty hard. (The script was actually excellent, but Rogen was spectacularly miscast in the lead.) Another Hornet movie is in development.

There was very little crossover in production staff between this show and Batman—of the regular crop of Bat-scripters, only Charles Hoffman and Lorenzo Semple Jr. wrote for Hornet, and they only did one story each, in both cases in collaboration with Ken Pettus (the most prolific writer on the show). Hoffman also wrote the crossover episode of Batman. Several directors helmed episodes of both shows, among them Leslie H. Martinson, Larry Peerce, and george waGGner.

Scenes of the filming of this series were dramatized in the biopic Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story that starred Jason Lee in the title role. Van Williams appeared as the director of the episode, while Forry Smith played Williams playing the Hornet.

In both “The Secret of the Sally Bell” and “Ace in the Hole,” characters are seen to be watching an episode of Batman, which dovetails amusingly with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson sitting down to watch The Green Hornet in “The Impractical Joker.” The Hornet and Kato made two contradictory appearances on Batman, once as the window cameo in “The Spell of Tut,” and then teaming up (sort of) with the Dynamic Duo against Colonel Gumm in “A Piece of the Action”/”Batman’s Satisfaction.”

The police commissioner is named Dolan, which is also the name of the top cop in The Spirit strip by Will Eisner. This may or may not be a coincidence.

The Batcave Podcast has inspired a spinoff that looks at this show: The Hornet’s Sting. Also hosted by John S. Drew, he’s joined each episode by Jim Beard, the editor of Gotham City 14 Miles.

Let’s roll, Kato. “The Green Hornet is something of a romanticist.” It’s kind of understandable why The Green Hornet never quite caught on. It maintained a lot of the style of Batman—same lettering on the credits, same reliance on spiffy gadgets and a cool car, same basic structure of a rich guy with a sidekick who both dress up and fight crime, William Dozier doing narration—but was much darker both in tone and visuals. It seems like every outdoor shot is in twilight or at night.

Unfortunately, it never quite commits to that darkness. Where Batman embraced colorful villains (both in look and personality), the criminals of The Green Hornet were a tiresome cavalcade of boring white guys who mostly were trying desperately to sound like Edward G. Robinson. And while Van Williams was a charismatic Britt Reid, he was only sporadically successfully menacing when playing the Hornet as a villain.

It’s funny, but we almost never saw the Hornet actually perform any criminal acts, making you wonder why he was wanted in the first place. I mean, we regularly see him muscling in on other criminals’ rackets, and then they betray him, and then they get caught. Amazingly, nobody picked up on this pattern. I also truly wonder what it was the Hornet did to justify being considered the greatest menace in the never-named city. (To be fair, he does break into a bank in “May the Best Man Lose,” and the fake Green Hornet commits murder and other crimes in “Corpse of the Year.”)

Having said that, the show wasn’t without its joys. While the mores of 1966 limited what she could do, Wende Wagner shone beautifully in the role of Casey, and when allowed to stretch her legs (notably in “The Frog is a Deadly Weapon,” where she expertly poses as the dead PI’s secretary, “Invasion from Outer Space Part I” where she doesn’t settle for being a hostage, instead escaping on her own, and to a lesser degree in “Beautiful Dreamer”) did superbly. In general, the show didn’t do too badly by its female characters—besides Casey, there’s Diana Hyland’s high-powered lawyer in “Give ’em Enough Rope,” Signe Hasso’s vicious leopard-controlling bad guy in “Programmed for Death,” Sheilah Wells as a computer operator with a strong reputation in “Crime Wave,” Joanne Dru’s talented managing editor of a rival paper and Celia Kaye’s scheming niece of that paper’s publisher in “Corpse of the Year,” and Linda Gaye Scott’s ultra-cool fake alien with equally fake super-powers in “Invasion from Outer Space.” And Billy May and Al Hirt’s variation on “Flight of the Bumblebee” for the theme song is one of the top ten best TV themes of all time.

Plus, of course, the main reason why anyone remembers this show as anything other than a half-forgotten Batman ’66 footnote: it introduced the United States to Bruce Lee.

It’s impossible to overstate how much of an impact Lee had on American culture, and if you ever doubt it, wander around any city or suburb and count the number of martial arts dojos. That is entirely due to the profound popularity of Lee, who took the U.S. by storm from his starring role on this show in 1966 until his untimely death in 1973. There was an explosion of martial arts films and a similar explosion of the opening of martial arts dojos in the U.S. throughout the 1970s, and it was Lee who really first brought it over here and made it a cool thing for Americans to do.

(That includes me, by the way. I’m a second-degree black belt in Kenshikai Karate, the founder of which was Shuseki Shihan William Oliver, who some have dubbed “the black Bruce Lee.” Oliver was a student of both Kyokushin—which originated in Japan in 1964, and opened a branch in the States right around the time that Lee started appearing in this show—and Seido before forming Kenshikai in 2001.)

Truly the best part of rewatching The Green Hornet is watching Lee in action. Not that that’s always easy: the camera operators had never seen anything like Lee before and the directors were often stymied in trying to shoot the moves of a man who was so fast the film couldn’t adequately capture him. The decision to shoot most of the show in dark light didn’t do Lee any favors, either. Still, watching Lee move is simply riveting. Besides, his role was groundbreaking for Asian actors, and started Lee on the road to improving TV and movie roles for Asian actors across the board.

Hornet-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

In honor of the 50th anniversary of both Star Trek and the 1966 Batman TV series, we’ll be spending this final week of 2016 looking at items that relate to one or both of those shows. We continue with two shorts that William Dozier made. The first was made between the second and third seasons to convince ABC to add Yvonne Craig’s Batgirl to the show’s opening credits. The second was a five-minute promo Dozier put together to pitch a Wonder Woman TV show.

“Batgirl”
Unaired promo short

The Bat-signal: Barbara fetches a book on butterflies for Bruce, who doesn’t recognize her at first, until she explains that she’s Gordon’s daughter. He and Dick are there chatting with another millionaire, Roger Montrose, the lepidopterist (the book she fetched for Bruce is to settle a bet).

Killer Moth and three of his henchmen are also in the library with designs on kidnapping Montrose. Bruce and Dick sneak off to change clothes to stop the villain, while Barbara’s colleague locks up so no one will come in after closing, though there are still patrons present in Montrose and Killer Moth.

Killer Moth’s goons grab Montrose, while Barbara is thrown into the library lounge and locked in—but she’s got a secret closet in the library (really?) and she changes into her Batgirl outfit (which is on under her civilian clothes, her skirt transforming into her cape).

Batman and Robin show up to foil the kidnapping, and fisticuffs ensue. However, Killer Moth uses his spray gun to put the Dynamic Duo in a cocoon, trapping them.

Batgirl bursts in through the window and more fisticuffs ensue. She frees Batman and Robin, at which point more fisticuffs ensue, with Killer Moth and his gang stopped. Once the fight’s over, Batgirl disappears without the Dynamic Duo noticing, leaving them to wonder who she is and where she comes from.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman and Robin get into the closed library using the bat-lock-breaking array. Batgirl has a compact that is equipped with a laser beam.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Batgirl bursts into the library, Robin cries out, “Holy apparition!” When she whips out her laser beam compact, Robin utters, “Holy vanity case!”

Meanwhile, the narrator cries out “Holy transformation!” as Barbara is changing into Batgirl.

Gotham City’s finest. We only see Gordon briefly, complaining that he never gets to have dinner with his daughter.

Special Guest Villain. Tim Herbert is completely unmemorable as Killer Moth, a villain never seen on the main TV series, though he was also the villain in Batgirl’s first comics appearance in Detective Comics #359.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“A new member of our team, or a crime-fighting rival?”

–Batman speculating as to who the new chick in purple is.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 48 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author, podcaster, and audio drama producer Jay Smith.

This short was produced for the network and never aired, though it is part of the DVD set.

While there was a previous Bat-Girl in the comics, she was Batwoman’s sidekick, Betty Kane, the niece of Kathy “Batwoman” Kane. Those characters were created in response to Fredric Wertham’s accusations of homoerotic subtext between Batman and Robin in Seduction of the Innocent, but were abandoned in 1964 as being too silly. However, William Dozier and Howie Horwitz approached DC about creating a new Batgirl who was Gordon’s daughter, and Batgirl’s costume on the TV show was inspired by Carmine Infantino’s rendering of the character in Detective Comics #359.

Batgirl’s costume is a different shade of purple, and her secret door is in the library instead of her apartment, which was probably done for budgetary reasons, since this entire short takes place on one set, that of the library.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “You insidious insect!” Mostly I watched this short thinking that Barbara is a terrible librarian, because she allows the place to get totally trashed, which will seriously mess with the physical plant budget for the next year. It’s going to be a nightmare for her as librarian dealing with the bean counters, not to mention all the books that have to be replaced after the fight…

More seriously, though, this is a charming little piece that nicely introduces both Barbara and Batgirl. It doesn’t actually fit with the continuity of the show, nor was it meant to, but it’s a fun little artifact, and you can see why everyone was high on including this new character, as Yvonne Craig’s enthusiasm and skill are on full display. I’m not so thrilled with the bit where she sits provocatively on the desk while Batman and Robin finish the fisticuffs, but that wasn’t the start of a trend, so whatever.

Bat-rating: 5

“Wonder Woman”
Unaired promo short

No real need to break this one down as aggressively, as it’s got even less of a plot than the Batgirl piece. In 1967, with Batman and The Green Hornet both on the air (and neither one cancelled yet), William Dozier pitched a Wonder Woman series to ABC.

Dozier’s Wonder Woman is a goofy, klutzy young woman who can’t even read the newspaper without falling off the couch. Her mother wants her to find a husband and settle down and have a family. She cites a neighbor, Lucille Maxwell, who is twenty-four and already has three kids. (WW’s protest that Lucille isn’t actually married falls on deaf ears. This stands out as the only actual funny line in the entire short.)

Once she changes into costume, she finds herself captivated by her reflection in the mirror—played by a different actor, who is more conventionally pretty—while Dozier narrates her abilities. She knows she has the strength of Hercules, etc., etc., but she only thinks she has the beauty of Aphrodite. (Har har.)

Once she tears herself away from her imagined reflection (which takes a while), she flies out the window, her mother calling after her to stop by Kansas City and say hi to her uncle.

If you ever believe that there is no justice in this world, think on this: nobody made a TV series based on this promo. Which proves that there are smart, intelligent people even in Hollywood. Because there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this concept whatsoever. Reimagining Wonder Woman as a barely competent hero with a nagging mother is an idea that is bone-stupid on every possible level. It’s hard to believe that the William Dozier who gave us Batgirl, Catwoman, Marsha Queen of Diamonds, and Zelda the Great, not to mention Casey and several other strong female characters on The Green Hornet, would stoop to this pair of horrendous stereotypes.

A few years later, one of the better members of Dozier’s stable of bat-writers, Stanley Ralph Ross, would develop a Wonder Woman series starring Lynda Carter which would capture the character much better…

BatWonder-rating: 0

The regular “Star Trek The Original Series Rewatch” and “Holy Rewatch Batman!” will re-commence the first week in January 2017.

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

In honor of the 50th anniversary of both Star Trek and the 1966 Batman TV series, we’ll be spending this final week of 2016 looking at items that relate to one or both of those shows. We conclude with a 1964 pilot that wasn’t picked up for a series, though it was aired as an episode of the anthology Off to See the Wizard in January 1968 due to its stars becoming somewhat more famous in the intervening four years. (Ahem.)

Alexander the Great
Written by Robert Pirosh and William Yates
Directed by Phil Karlson
Original air date: January 26, 1968

The first three title cards tell you everything you need to know: Alexander the Great. Starring William Shatner. Co-starring Adam West. Two years before both men would go on to star in TV shows that would become such a major part of the pop-culture landscape that some long-haired hippie weirdo freak would be writing about them every week for a web site, they starred in this pilot for a sword-and-sandal epic.

As you can imagine, the aforementioned pop-culture landscape would have been a lot different if these two were too busy starring in the Alexander the Great TV show to appear in either Star Trek or Batman.

So what are we to make of this gem, which also guest stars John Cassavetes and Joseph Cotten? Well, let’s take a look…

We open in Persia, under the brutal rule of King Darius, a land of war—of “barbaric war,” our narrator emphasizes, as if there’s another kind. Coming from Greece to bring peace (oh, yeah, totally) is a man named—

A soldier who has just found a bunch of corpses strung up by their feet cries out, “ALEXANDER!” and we cut to Shatner riding bareback and looking determined—and sweaty. Alexander orders the bodies to be cut down—and one of them is alive! He lasts long enough to tell Alexander that Cleander, Alexander’s best friend, was captured and the Persians killed the rest of them and strung them up.

Alexander waxes rhapsodic about how barbaric the Persians are. Then the Persians ambush them. Alexander rides off to save Cleander, who is like a brother to him, even though there are only about half a dozen of them. Alexander singlehandedly cuts down the Persians with his sword, and finds Cleander (West) beaten and bound to a horse.

Before Cleander can give a proper report, they’re surrounded by dozens of Persians on a hill with bows and arrows. They ride off and get attacked.

We cut back to Alexander’s headquarters where his subordinates are trying to figure out where Alexander is. They have a Persian prisoner, an officer who assures them that the Persians are gathering massive forces. But Antigonus (Cotten) is reluctant to withdraw until they find Alexander.

A soldier reports to Memnon that Alexander is dead, though he’s skeptical until someone brings him Alexander’s head. There is mention of a Greek spy for Darius.

Meanwhile, Alexander’s horse rides into camp, covered in days-old blood. Everyone is sure that he’s dead—his Persian hostage Princess Ada, who loves Alexander (yay, Stockholm Syndrome!) wants to kill herself, but Antigonus stops her. She’s free now.

Antigonus refuses to take over the army in Alexander’s place—he’s too old—so he suggests the much younger Karonos (Cassavetes), who reluctantly accepts. He intends to build fortress cities along the coast to fortify Greece’s position and leave Persia to the Persians, moving no further east. They must retreat and return to Greece.

Aristander wants to take a thousand men to find Alexander’s body, which Karonos refuses to allow. They’re about to come to blows, when Alexander and Cleander show up rather unexpectedly. Everyone is thrilled—except maybe Karonos—and Alexander agrees with Karonos’s plan to retreat west.

As Alexander strips down to show off Shatner’s manly manly chest and take a bath, Antigonus rebukes him for going off after Cleander.

The Persian prisoner is freed by an unseen Greek and told to disguise himself as a Greek soldier and kill Alexander.

At dinner, everyone is celebrating, which involves wrestling and laughing and drinking and dancing and stuff. The dancing is provided by Ada, who slinks and writhes to the leering enjoyment of all the men.

Alexander then meets with the generals: they will break camp and march as Karonos ordered, but east not west. They’re going to attack Memnon. Karonos thinks they have enough territory, and that Greece is safe. Alexander believes that if they leave Persia alone, they will get stronger and fight another war. Karonos says the men are exhausted and they can’t stop and hold Persia, but Alexander insists that destroying Darius will bring about peace. Memnon is Darius’s best general, and defeating him will cripple Persia. However, Alexander has not actually provided the battle plan.

Alexander, Cleander, and Antigonus then meet in private, where Alexander explains that he believes there to be a traitor in their midst, so he has to keep things close to the vest. Only Alexander and Cleander know the battle plan.

The disguised Persian takes a shot at Alexander, but misses. We find out that Karonos is the traitor, but he kills the Persian to make things look good for Alexander. However, the arrow the Persian used was Greek. Alexander is now more sure than ever that there is a traitor.

The next day, they march east, a cart falls over, and they have to put it back with their manly manly muscles. Karonos, we learn, has an agreement with Memnon that there will be peace as long as the Greeks retreat. So he has to take another shot at killing Alexander. On the third night, Alexander reveals that they attack at dawn, despite the soldiers all being completely exhausted, with supply lines weak. Alexander is sure that the men will follow him—so is Antigonus, but they will follow him to their deaths. Antigonus is unwilling to accept responsibility for that, so Alexander sends him to the rear to make sure the supply train is firm.

We cut to some soldiers, who are not at all happy about having to attack at dawn, just as Antigonus predicted. But they are also loyal to Alexander.

Antigonus learns that there is a conspiracy afoot to kill Alexander—Karonos isn’t the only one, he’s just the ringleader. They recruit Antigonus, fresh off his argument with Alexander. Karonos gives Antigonus a Persian dagger with which to kill Alexander. They can say he died in battle, bring him home to a warrior’s funeral, and then there will be peace. However, Antigonus was only pretending to be recruited, and he and Karonos get into a knife fight, which Karonos wins, stabbing Antigonus twice in the chest.

After Karonos rides off, Antigonus writes Karonos’s name in the sand as he dies.

Memnon is rather shocked to learn that the Greek army, which was a week away three days ago, is at his gates. But as far as Memnon’s concerned, Alexander has saved him a dusty march. He musters his forces while Alexander sets up catapults and bows on the high ground with lancers and cavalry on the ground. The Persians can only come in via a narrow passageway, and he plans to pick them off when they’re squeezed in.

The battle is joined. Karonos realizes that his plan has failed, that he loved Alexander too much to kill him himself, so he entrusted others, which was his mistake. Meanwhile, Antigonus’s body is discovered—as is the note he left in the sand. Alexander is livid, and he screams Karonos’s name and rides into battle. Even as the battle rages around them, Alexander and Karonos get into a swordfight.

Naturally, Alexander is victorious (both in general against the Persians and in particular against Karonos), because this is a pilot for Alexander the Great, not Memnon of Persia. Memnon retreats, leaving hundreds of corpses on the battlefield. Alexander looks over the bodies and looks either wistful or constipated, it’s hard to tell.

And thus ends Alexander the Great‘s pilot episode for a series that never happened. No doubt it would have continued to detail Alexander’s conquering of Persia. This story is very very very loosely based on the Battle of the Granicus, though it only bears a vague structural resemblance to history. For one thing, all the other characters save for Memnon are pretty much made up whole cloth.

There are good things to say about this production. While his role is miniscule for someone who’s second-billed, Adam West makes the most of his minimal screen time, showing a relaxed charm that’s actually much more entertaining than his square straight man persona on Batman. And the battle scenes are impressively choreographed and staged, with tons of extras and lots of horseplay and such. (If this did go to series, it was bound to be the most expensive TV show on the air, especially if they were going to continue with Alexander’s conquering of Asia Minor.) And I like the fact that the soldiers get dirty and sweaty, and you see beard growth on them after three days of forced marching. The consequences of war are refreshingly not soft-pedaled.

But overall, it’s a pretty bog-standard betrayal-in-war story, where you can see the numbers by which the whole thing is painstakingly painted. Every beat is so utterly predictable as to be stultifying.

Worse, though, is that I watch and find myself on Karonos’s side. Alexander’s insistence on plunging forward into a war with Darius in order to achieve peace is, frankly, lunacy, and is the reason why he’s standing over a lot of corpses at the end. Shatner tries very hard to make Alexander noble and patriotic, but he’s not at all convincing. It’s a very superficial performance, though he’s not alone in that. The great Joseph Cotten does surprisingly little to make Antigonus interesting, John Cassavetes has no charisma as Karonos, and the less said about Ziva Rodann’s Ada the better.

All in all, I’d say the parallel universe where this was made into a series isn’t one I wish to live in. It probably wouldn’t have been that big a deal, and it would have denied us—and Shatner and West—greatness.

Warp factor Bat- Sword-and-sandal rating: 3

Thus endeth our look at the ancillary bits of Trek and Bat-lore as the sun sets on both shows’ 50th anniversary. It’s back to business as usual once 2017 commences with the animated Trek episode “The Survivor” on Tuesday the 3rd and the Bat-episode “Louie the Lilac” on Friday the 6th. I hope you’ve all had a wonderful holiday and I wish us all a safe and healthy and peaceful new year.

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

“Louie, the Lilac”
Written by Dwight Taylor
Directed by george waGGner
Season 3, Episode 7
Production code 1710
Original air dates: October 26, 1967

The Bat-signal: All the flower-children in Gotham City are gathering in the park for a flower-in—but there are no flowers! Turns out that Louie the Lilac has cornered the market on Gotham City’s petaled flora. He intends to control the minds of Gotham’s young people, since they’re the future leaders of the city.

Meanwhile, the hippies are having themselves a party in the park, led by Princess Primrose—real name Thelma Jones, Barbara’s former college chum—and Louie shows up and tosses flowers to them all. He uses his boutineer to hypnotize Primrose and take her off in his Flowermobile. And then it turns out that the flowers are all fake! Louie then finds out from Primrose that the commissioner’s daughter was there, so he has one of his henchmen find and tail Barbara while he locks Primrose in his hothouse.

Barbara reports the kidnapping to her father, who is singularly uninterested in the kidnapping of a hippie. So Barbara grabs the Bat-phone and calls Batman—it turns out he and Robin are to be guests of honor at the flower-in. Batman and Robin head to GCPD HQ, where they promise to investigate Louie. They head to the Batmobile, where they find a lilac-colored card for Lila’s Lilac Shop. Our heroes arrive there, where Lila—who works for Louie—hits them with poisonous lilacs. Batman figures it out in time, but then Louie hits him over the head with a flower pot. Louie then traps them amidst man-eating lilacs to be eaten alive.

Gordon calls Batman, but Alfred says he hasn’t been seen since he went to GCPD HQ. Gordon says that he was heading to the Batcave to check the Bat-computer for info on Louie. Alfred decides to go through with that search, and the computer spits out Lila’s Lilac Shop.

Louie’s henchman follows Barbara to her apartment and attempts to kidnap her. She locks herself in the bedroom, and then sneaks out to change into Batgirl. Before she can stop him, Gordon shows up, and the henchman takes a powder while Batgirl quick-changes back to Barbara and reassures her worrying father that she’s fine living on her own and shouldn’t move back home, even though she’s already been kidnapped twice and had her library nearly blown up…

Alfred then shows up and lets Barbara know what’s happening so Batgirl can get in on the action.

Louie’s attempt to get Primrose to recruit the flower children for his side fails, as Primrose shakes off his hypnosis. Louie beats a hasty retreat. He arrives at his hideout just as Batman and Robin manage to escape the man-eating lilacs by kicking a flower pot through the hothouse door, the colder air killing the lilacs.

Batgirl also shows up, and fisticuffs ensue. She hits Louie with a mildew spray that makes him all gunky. The flower children followed Louie, and they take care of the henchmen. But even as they clean up after Louie, Batman and Robin hear hoofbeats, and see that Egghead is back in town, alongside Olga Queen of the Cossacks…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-computer is used by Alfred to track down where Batman and Robin may have gotten to. Batman’s utility belt is eaten by the man-eating lilacs, thus forcing him to actually use ingenuity to escape the deadly flora.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When trapped by man-eating lilacs, Robin grumbles, “Holy purple cannibals!” followed by “Holy Luther Burbank!” which is one of his cleverer religious utterances. And when Egghead and Olga ride by on horseback, he cries, “Holy hoofbeats!”

Gotham City’s finest. The GCPD evinces no interest in solving the kidnapping of a hippie, which is actually a pretty accurate depiction of the police in 1967. Although they move heaven and earth to protect the commissioner’s daughter…

Special Guest Villain. Having previously done a cameo as a prison inmate in “Ma Parker,” famous funnyman Milton Berle returns in the title role. He’ll be back in “Louie’s Lethal Lilac Time.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. The henchman tries to convince Batgirl that he and Barbara are a couple, which wouldn’t have been convincing even if Batgirl wasn’t actually Barbara.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“The flower children think we’re cool, man, like, we turn them on, y’know?”

–Robin’s rather pathetic attempt to show that he’s down with the other kids.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 54 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jay Smith, author, scripter, and creator of the Parsec Award-winning audio drama HG World (on which your humble rewatcher was one of the company of actors providing voice work).

Milton Berle was signed to an unprecedented thirty-year contract by NBC in 1951, but by the mid-1960s, NBC freed him from his obligations, due to his declining popularity (in 1960, he was reduced to hosting a bowling show). He started working for ABC, but his variety show for them didn’t last past its first season. He continued to make guest appearances on TV shows like this for the rest of his career.

Writer Dwight Taylor was a co-founder and past president of the Writers Guild of America, West, and also was one of the first editors of the “Talk of the Town” feature in The New Yorker magazine. This was the last script he ever wrote for the screen.

At the end of the episode, the Batgirl theme is played in full for reasons passing understanding (but probably because the script came up short).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “I strongly suspect that this lilac-colored card could be—a plant!” Okay, I have a confession to make—I have never liked Milton Berle. I remember growing up and seeing him and Bob Hope and Johnny Carson and never understanding what the fuss was about. To be fair, I mostly saw them in the twilight of their careers, but even watching old clips, I was less than impressed. The only time I actually liked a Berle performance was when he appeared on The Muppet Show, specifically when he tried to do a standup routine and was mercilessly heckled by Statler and Waldorf. Of course, the whole routine is predicated on the fact that Berle isn’t funny… (Amusingly, one of the inspirations for Statler and Waldorf was Sidney Spritzer, a character played by Irving Benson on Berle’s variety show who heckled Berle from the balcony.)

So I’m not particularly predisposed to this episode anyhow, but even the biggest Berle devotee wouldn’t find a lot to like here. For one thing, aside from puffing on a cigar, there’s none of Berle’s trademark bits here, nothing that stands out aside from the comedian’s rather distinctive face.

There’s comedy gold to be mined by having a fedora’d, suited gangster straight out of the 1930s who has a thing for flowers and tries to suborn flower children, but while Dwight Taylor’s writing of the hippie movement isn’t quite as tone-deaf as, say, Arthur Heinemann in Star Trek‘s “The Way to Eden” or Jack Webb and his team of writers any time they portrayed the movement on Dragnet, it’s still pretty awful. Taylor does, at least, acknowledge that the movement is basically one of peace and love, and the flower children are no worse caricatures than the heroes, the cops, or the gangsters, at the very least.

But still, the episode just kind of bounces from scene to scene with very little rhyme or reason. Louie’s long-term plan sounds good when he’s talking about it, but the execution is so ham-fisted, you’re just staring at the screen wondering what everyone was thinking when they were making it.

I’m still wondering. The only performance that actually works is Jimmy Boyd’s incredibly earnest Dogwood, who commits far more to his flower child persona than anyone else does to their role.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Undercover Blues, the second of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. The first, Avenging Amethyst, is also available. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and an excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next novella, Secret Identities, will be released in February.

“The Ogg and I” / “How to Hatch a Dinosaur”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9
Production code 1705-1 & 1705-2
Original air dates: November 2 & 9, 1967

The Bat-signal: Olga, Queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks, and Egghead kidnap Gordon from his office in a hot-air balloon, under the guise of delivering a sandwich. Gordon realizes it’s Egghead when it’s an egg sandwich rather than roast beef, but by then it’s too late.

O’Hara enters the now-empty office, where Gordon managed to scrawl a note that says “KIDNAPPED.” Batgirl shows up—concerned that Gordon wasn’t answering his phone, no doubt, though she can’t say that out loud in order to preserve her secret ID—as do Batman and Robin, who saw Olga and Egghead at the end of last episode, and are now at GCPD HQ.

Egghead asks Olga to get her Cossacks to stop their victory dance so he can call in the ransom: ten cents for every egg consumed in Gotham City, and he tasks the GCPD with counting them and collecting the “egg-cise” tax.

Batman has a plan that he says is a long shot. Batgirl has one of her own, and she suggests they both approach from different angles in the hopes that one of them will succeed.

Batgirl knows that Gordon wears a distinct aftershave, but she can’t reveal that to anyone but Alfred. Meanwhile, the Dynamic Duo visit the Bessarovian ambassador at their embassy, where the Brass Samovar of Genghis Khan (really!) is being hidden for safekeeping. Whoever possesses the samovar rules Bessarovia.

Sure enough, Olga and her Cossacks show up to steal the samovar, which they bring to her hideout. However, it’s a Trojan samovar! Batman and Robin were hiding in the samovar, and when they emerge, they find Gordon tied up in a nearby birdcage. But Olga saw it coming, and gasses the Dynamic Duo.

Robin is put in the cage with Gordon, while Olga and Egghead reveal that the ambassador is also a Cossack—and a chef. He intends to cook Robin and Gordon in his Bessarovian borscht, but Olga wants to keep Batman for herself. That makes Egghead jealous, which leads a Cossack to knock Egghead out. It turns out that Bessarovian queens can have up to six husbands, so she can marry both Batman and Egghead.

Meanwhile, Alfred and Batgirl are sniffing their way around Gotham City in search of Wellington #4, Gordon’s aftershave. Alfred detects the odor at a warehouse, and calls Batgirl, who rides over on the Batgirl-cycle and enters just as Olga’s about to get married twice over.

Fisticuffs ensue. Alfred socks the ambassador in the jaw (take that, Sean Pertwee!) and frees Gordon and Robin so they can join the fray. However, while they take care of the Cossacks, Egghead attacks with eggs hatched by hens that have been fed a steady diet of onions, so our heroes are forced to cry when the eggs shatter at their feet.

The bad guys beat a hasty retreat, but at least Gordon is free.

Olga and Egghead’s next target is the Gotham Radium Center, where they steal two pounds of radium. The center calls Gordon and Gordon calls Batman, who high-tails it to GCPD HQ, where they try to figure out the bad guys’ plan.

Barbara delivers a library book to Professor Dactyl at the Gotham Museum of Natural History, where she sees a neosaurus egg. She wonders if Egghead might want to steal it, but Dactyl thinks it has no value to anyone save a paleontologist.

It turns out that Egghead and Olga were hiding behind a fossil to steal the egg in question. Barbara and Dactyl discover that the egg is missing and Barbara reports it to Gordon, who informs her of the radium theft.

Batman thinks an article in the Southeastern Journal of Applied Radiology might be of help, and Barbara separately thinks the same thing. Unfortunately, the library no longer subscribes, but Bruce Wayne does. Barbara calls Alfred at the same time that Batman calls his butler upstairs, and he provides the article’s title to them both: “Revitalizing Fossil Forms by the Use of High-Energy Radioactive Energy Sources.” Egghead wants to use the radium to irradiate the egg and hatch the dinosaur inside, and then feed it a three-course meal of Batman, Robin, and Batgirl—with Gordon and O’Hara for dessert.

The Batmobile and the Batgirl-cycle both arrive at the warehouse where Olga and Egghead are hiding out and trying to hatch the forty-million-year-old egg. Fisticuffs ensue—but only with Robin and Batgirl. They’re captured, and then another burst of radiation causes the egg to hatch.

A neosaurus bursts out and menaces Olga and Egghead so much that they and the Cossacks run scared out of the warehouse—right to the waiting arms of O’Hara and the GCPD. But the “neosaurus” was actually Batman in a dinosaur suit. Batgirl slips away, and Batman refuses to follow her, as he’d be conspicuous in his neosaurus suit.

Later, Bruce, Dick, Barbara, Gordon, and O’Hara are discussing the incident over tea, when Barbara gets a call from her old buddy Skip Davis inviting her on a surfing trip—but Joker’s already at Gotham Point with surfing plans of his own…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batgirl has walkie-talkies that have doilies for trim, because she’s a girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. Radium being stolen and dragged around the city in a lead case somehow affects the Bat-computer 14 miles away. Sure. But Batman can trace the radium with the Bat-Geiger counter, and Batgirl can do the same with the Batgirl-Geiger counter. Batman has a voder of some sort that allows him to roar menacingly like a neosaurus.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy eggshells!” is Robin’s obvious rejoinder after hearing the ransom demand. “Holy crying towels” is Robin’s inexplicable utterance after they’re hit with the onion-y eggs. “Holy understatements” is Robin’s reply to Batman’s exposition regarding Part 1 in Part 2. “Holy anagrams” is Robin’s equally inexplicable utterance when they’re trying to figure out what the bad guys will be doing with the radium.

Gotham City’s finest. The cops are tasked with counting the number of eggs eaten in Gotham in order to ransom their boss, then have the easiest collar ever when Olga, Egghead, and the Cossacks all run into the paddywagon willingly to avoid being eaten by a neosaurus.

Special Guest Villains. Vincent Price returns as Egghead, following his debut in “An Egg Grows in Gotham“, this time alongside Anne Baxter as Olga. Last seen in the title role in “Zelda the Great“, Baxter is the only person to appear as two completely different special guest villains in the series.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Olga decides Batman is dreamy and wishes to marry him as well as Egghead.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“No troubles, Batushka, or we are making shashlik out of little malchik and old commissionar!”

–Olga threatening Robin and Gordon in order to keep Batman in line, speaking in broken English and broken Russian.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 55 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Kevin Lauderdale, author, host of Presenting the Transcription Feature and It Has Come to My Attention, and cohost of Mighty Movie: Temple of Bad.

Originally written as a three-parter, this storyline instead uses what was originally parts 1 and 3, with part 2 to be shown later in the season as a standalone episode, “The Ogg Couple.”

Part 1’s title is a play on The Egg and I, Betty MacDonald’s 1945 memoir that was made into a 1947 movie featuring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray.

Vincent Price and Anne Baxter previously starred together in The Ten Commandments and A Royal Scandal.

Alan Hale Jr. has an uncredited cameo as a restauranteur named Gilligan, a play on both Hale’s owning a restaurant and his starring role as the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island.

The neosaurus costume was borrowed from the Lost in Space prop department, where it had been used in the episodes “The Questing Beast” and “Space Beauty.”

Robin guesses that Olga and Egghead might want to use the radium to poison the water supply, which O’Hara recalls has been done before, specifically by the Joker in “The Joker’s Provokers.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Think they can crack it, Commissioner?” Vincent Price and Anne Baxter are both charming and delightful and wonderful actors. They even have decent chemistry together.

But this two-parter that throws the two of them together is a total disaster.

Baxter’s Olga has her moments—her comedy Russian accent is actually kind of entertaining—but Zelda was, frankly, a much more complex and interesting villain.

The biggest problem is that the teaming of Egghead and Olga doesn’t really make any sense on the face of it, as there’s nothing really linking Egghead’s egg fetish with Olga’s desire to rule Bessarovia. As a result, Egghead is all but irrelevant to the first part and Olga is even more irrelevant to the second.

And the story is just a mess. Kidnapping Gordon and stealing the Brass Samovar of Genghis Khan don’t seem to be related to each other and feel like they’re happening in two entirely separate stories. What does Egghead hope to gain by hatching a dinosaur egg? Not that it could possibly work, as everyone but him knew, but still. And then there’s the question of how, exactly, Batman got into an unhatched egg in order to burst out of it. Plus, our three heroes are standing outside the warehouse together, and the next thing we see is Batgirl and Robin engaging in fisticuffs. When Batman unmasks himself from the neosaurus suit, Robin and Batgirl are surprised, yet they had to have known—especially given how elaborate the setup was.

There’s also a big plot hole, as Gordon sees Alfred come in with Batgirl. He asks what the Wayne butler is doing there, but Alfred puts him off so more fisticuffs can ensue. But shouldn’t Gordon have asked the question again later?

With all that, though, the worst sin committed by this two-parter is forgetting the fact that Egghead is supposed to be a genius. There’s no evidence of any smarts on his part. He’s reduced to following behind Olga and her Cossacks on a donkey while they traipse through Gotham on horseback (we only actually see Egghead on his ass—apparently they blew their horse budget on the Penguin/Lola Lasagna two-parter, so we never actually see Olga and the gang ride) and whining at Olga when she decides to marry Batman. Not to mention the fact that his plot rides on him being too stupid to realize that an egg would not remain fertilized and viable for forty million years, and stupid is the exact opposite of what Egghead is.

It’s fun to watch Baxter chew the scenery, and Price is never not fun, and there are a few other good moments—Alfred doing the telephonic watusi to get info to both Batman and Barbara, the Brass Samovar of Genghis Khan being roughly the size of Rhode Island, the fact that Bessarovia’s object of monarchial power is a samovar that was supposed to have been used by Genghis Khan, Adam West in a dinosaur outfit, Alan Hale’s cameo as a character named Gilligan—but ultimately, this is an egg-scruciating mess that one can’t help but egg-scoriate, as it serves to egg-cise any good feeling engendered by Egghead’s egg-cellent first appearance.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be making his first public appearance of 2017 this weekend at Arisia 2017 in Boston, Massachusetts, alongside Guests of Honor Ursula Vernon, Stephanie Law, Greykell Dutton, and Susan Fox & Gene Turnbow from Krypton Radio, and tons of other neat folks. Keith’s schedule can be found here.

“Surf’s Up! Joker’s Under”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 10
Production code 1714
Original air dates: November 16, 1967

The Bat-signal: The World Surfing Championship is coming up, and it’s going to be held at Gotham Point. Barbara’s old friend Skip Parker is a favorite to win the championship, and she watches him ride a wave and compliments him on his form. The Joker shows up in his Jokermobile with two henchmen, Wipeout and Riptide, and he radios his moll, Undine, at the Hang Five, a surfin’ hangout run by Hot Dog Harrigan. (The radios actually are in the shapes of hot dogs, for whatever reason.) Riptide and Wipeout put Hot Dog in a bag and then send Undine to tell Skip there’s a phone call for him. Skip enters the Hang Five and Joker gasses him and takes him off to his secret HQ.

However, Barbara sees Skip being kidnapped, and calls her father, who calls Batman. The Dynamic Duo take the Bat-copter to Pelican Cove and then walk from there to Gotham Point just like normal people. (Landing the copter on the beach is dangerous and ostentatious. Also, they don’t have footage from the movie of the copter landing on a beach.)

Joker has Skip tied up and hooked up to a Surfing Experience And Ability Transferometer, which will transfer all of Skip’s surfing knowledge to Joker.

After an hour of useless surveillance of the Hang Five, Batman and Robin return to the Batcave and consult the Bat-computer, which points them at the Ten-Toe Surf Shop, which is long abandoned, as being Joker’s new hideout.

But Joker’s ready for them, and he, Riptide, Wipeout, and Undine all throw sea-urchin spines at them, leaving them vulnerable to Joker, who ties them down and leaves Riptide and Wipeout to turn them into surfboards. They escape that trap and chase the henchmen off, then rescue Skip, only to discover that Joker stole his surfing mojo.

Batman sends Robin back to Wayne Manor to change back into Dick, and return with his surfboard. Joker’s prowess has scared off all the other competitors, but Dick enters Batman (on behalf of Bruce, who’s the head of the surfing commission, because of course he is) so that there’s an actual competition.

They surf, and while Joker finishes first, Batman wins on points. Then someone finally notices that Hot Dog is in the trash can, and Joker and his people beat a hasty retreat. However, his attempt to hide in the Hang Five fails, as Dick and Barbara ran into the locker rooms first and changed into costume.

Fisticuffs ensue, and Joker is wiped out (har har). Skip is restored to his old self and all’s right with the world—although there’s a theft of Her Majesty’s Royal Snuffboxes in Londinium that will likely garner our heroes’ attention…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-copter makes a triumphant return, while Alfred has reprogrammed the Bat-computer to provide pictures instead of punch-cards. Batman uses a portable ultraviolet Bat-ray to ignite the resin and make his surfboard covering explode. (How he made Robin’s explode is left as an exercise for the viewer.) Best of all, we get the Bat-shark-repellant, as Batman uses it to keep a shark away from the competition.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When the Bat-computer gives our heroes a picture of two bare feet, Robin mutters, “Holy ten toes!” When Joker and his crew hit them with sea-urchin spines, Robin cries, “Holy pin-cushion!” When they’re turned into human surfboards, Robin on-the-noses, “Holy human surfboards!” When they escape that trap, Robin yells, “Holy detonation!”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon and O’Hara go undercover as surfers on the beach named Duke and Buzzy, wearing the world’s goofiest sunglasses, and totally miss Hot Dog in a trash can, even though Hot Dog signals them repeatedly.

Special Guest Villains. Cesar Romero makes his first third-season appearance as the Joker. He’ll return, teamed up with Catwoman, in “The Funny Feline Felonies.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. All the extras this week are in bathing suits, as are several of the regulars and guest stars. It’s probably the most exposed flesh on any Batman episode, with a good chunk of it coming from Sivi Aberg as Undine and Yvonne Craig in a very sexy one-piece when she’s Barbara.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“A funny thing, isn’t it? That I know more than you’ve forgotten.”

–Joker getting all philosophical on Skip after stealing his mojo.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 56 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Dan Greenfield of 13th Dimension.

The surfing footage was all taken from the surfing documentary The Endless Summer.

Johnny Green and the Greenmen appear as themselves as the green-haired band performing on the beach. Green also was one of the musicians who played on the show’s theme song, and the band was still together as of last year (though their web site hasn’t been updated since 2010, they do have a Facebook page).

Riptide is played by Skip Ward, who was William Dozier’s first choice to play the title role in The Green Hornet, a role that eventually went to Van Williams. Based on his acting here, I’d say that the right choice was made in the end.

Sivi Aberg (Undine) previously appeared as Mimi in “The Devil’s Fingers” / “The Dead Ringers.” John Mitchum (Hot Dog) previously appeared as Rip Snorting in “Come Back, Shame” / “It’s How You Play the Game” (and also had a recurring role as Hoffenmueller in F Troop).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Cowabunga! Begorrah!” There are a few things to like about this episode. There’s the hilarious visual of Batman and the Joker wearing their baggies over their costumes. There’s Gordon and O’Hara undercover as elderly beach combers and doing the worst job ever. There’s the Bat-shark repellant. There’s Yvonne Craig and Sivi Aberg in bathing suits.

Yeah, that’s about it. It’s pretty much the same dumb plot we’ve already gotten in “Ring Around the Riddler,” “The Sport of Penguins” / “A Horse of a Different Color,” and “Louie, the Lilac.” Like Riddler and Penguin, Joker is taking on a sport to master in order to, like Louie, win over the youth of Gotham as a stepping stone to greater power. It’s less clear how, exactly, winning a surfing championship will lead to Joker’s plans for world domination (at least Riddler and Penguin had some cash attached to winning, and Louie actually actively tried to recruit the flower children), but then this is a guy who invents time machines and devices that can transfer someone’s surfing skills and athletic ability, yet hasn’t become incredibly rich selling these things to the highest bidder. Go fig’.

Joker runs away because he’s accused of kidnapping Skip and Hot Dog—but everyone knew he’d kidnapped Skip. So why was he even allowed to enter the race? Why didn’t Gordon and O’Hara—sorry, Buzzy and Duke arrest him right off? Why did Hot Dog finally being let out of the garbage can make the Joker scared when his more well known kidnap victim was standing right there?

And how come the surfboard that Riptide and Wipeout encased Batman and Robin in was thinner than their bodies could possibly have fit? How did Batman’s portable ultraviolet ray affect Robin’s surfboard? Why did nobody fix the left ear on Batman’s cowl that was very obviously falling off after the surfing competition?

Cesar Romero does the best he can with the material—even when he’s standing around pretending to surf in front of a bluescreen, he’s a delight—but this is just an incomprehensible mess.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido has never gone surfing a day in his life.