“Hot Off the Griddle” / “The Cat and the Fiddle”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Don Weis
Season 2, Episodes 3 and 4
Production code 9706
Original air dates: September 14 and 15, 1966

The Bat-signal: Late one night, a burglar breaks into Lacey’s Department Store and steals a store catalogue, dropping it via parachute to Catwoman. Another thief steals a catamaran from the nautical society and another steals three mittens from the apartment of a rich person named Andrew S. Kitten, both of which are also dropped to Catwoman with a parachute. Gordon and O’Hara realize that it’s Catwoman who’s responsible—even they could figure it out from those clues—and they call Batman, interrupting a session Dick is having with a powerful telescope. (Dick also mentions an impending eclipse. This will be important later.)

The Dynamic Duo sally forth to GCPD HQ and they plan to lure Catwoman into a trap by planting an item in a gossip column. Batman calls the columnist, Jack O’Shea, who “works” out of a phone booth in Glob’s Drugstore (“Where show business greats spend their unemployment checks”), and asks him to say that a rare species of canary will be exhibited on the twelfth floor of the Gotham City Natural History Museum. O’Shea agrees.

Turns out these thefts were auditions for cat burglars. Catwoman explains to the three who made the cut that she’s planning a major heist, and she only wants the best. She’s even teaching a course in cat burgling to them, which includes Principles of Window-Jimmying, Safe-Cracking for Fun and Profit, Essentials of Cat Burgling, and Mugging Made Easy.

O’Shea turns out to be in cahoots with Catwoman, and he lets her know about Batman’s trap.

Batman and Robin head off to the Natural History Museum, though Alfred considerately packs them a snack to take with. They arrive and capture one cat-burglar. Said thief tries a sob story on them, which distracts them long enough for Catwoman to arrive with the other two unnoticed. Fisticuffs ensue, but the fight ends when Catwoman pulls two dart-guns on the Dynamic Duo, which paralyze our heroes for a few minutes.

Catwoman has the thugs throw them out the window, but they had set up large nets to catch anything she might toss out the window via parachute like she did in the previous crimes, so Batman and Robin survive the fall.

The next day, O’Shea’s gossip column rips Batman and Robin a new one for their failure to stop Catwoman, and O’Hara brings in one of the cat-burglars, whom the GCPD managed to actually apprehend. He sings like a canary (ahem), but the only thing he can say about Catwoman’s HQ (he’s blindfolded when he’s brought there) is that he can always hear rock and roll music in the background, with feet stomping on the ceiling, and cats meowing when the music stops. He also says whatever her endgame is, it happens tonight.

Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce and Dick walk in on Aunt Harriet dancing to the latest craze, a song called “The Catusi.” She says it became popular at a place called the Pink Sandbox. Batman and Robin show up at the place, where lots of kids are dancing, the staff all dress in cat-themed outfits, and all the food involves some manner of cat pun.

But before they can order, the table they’re sitting at suddenly whirls around and dumps them into a closed metal room. The floor turns red hot, and Batman and Robin suddenly have to do an Irish step dance in order to keep their feet from burning. (Aren’t the soles of their boots bulletproof, with a spring between it and their feet? Shouldn’t they be fine?) An attempt to use a water pipe to cool it down backfires, as it’s filled with the same stuff that’s on her darts, and our heroes are paralyzed.

Catwoman has them tied to grills with tin foil under them greased with margarine. She then puts giant magnifying glasses over each of them, which will fry them alive. Having set up this production of Bat on a Hot Tin Roof, Catwoman buggers off to enact her master plan.

Lucky for them, the eclipse hits, which gives them a respite. Their feet can reach the magnifying glass, allowing them to rotate them each 14 degrees, so the lenses will focus the sun’s rays specifically on the bonds on their left hands. They’re quickly able to untie themselves.

Catwoman mentioned an assault on “Mount Gotham” (which doesn’t actually exist) before she left, but Batman assumes she’s referring to an artificial mountain, to wit, a skyscraper. The tallest building in the city is the Gotham State Building, so they speed there in the Batmobile.

According to the building manager, the only special event going on today is in the penthouse: Mr. Zubin Zucchini, an eccentric millionaire, has rented it in order to sell his two Stradivarius violins (Stradivarii?) to Minerva Matthews, another eccentric millionaire. The top floor of the building is the only location in Gotham with the right conditions in which to inspect the violins, which haven’t been out of their cases in 35 years.

Elsewhere, Catwoman goes to Matthews’s house and gasses her, then disguises herself as her. Two different armored trucks do pickups, one of Zucchini at his stately mansion (ahem), the second of Matthews (really Catwoman), wherein we discover that Zucchini only takes cash, as he hasn’t trusted banks since 1929. En route, Catwoman learns that Batman and Robin survived.

Both armored trucks arrive at the Gotham State Building. Zucchini arrives carrying two violin cases and mouths off at the building manager, then Catwoman arrives with the money that the armored truck has previously picked up from Matthews’s bank.

Batman, Gordon, O’Hara, and a bunch of cops arrive at the Gotham State Building. The manager insists that there’s no sign of Catwoman, just a sweet little old lady, but Batman is sure that Catwoman is after the violins—eight strings of catgut!

Catwoman has disabled the elevators, so Batman uses his experimental bat-jets to manually send the elevator up the hundred and two flights. Meanwhile, Catwoman tests the violins, while Zucchini complains that there’s only $499,000 (she tipped the driver a thousand bucks). Catwoman then reveals her true face—but so does Zucchini. Turns out it was Robin in disguise the whole time (and he does a much better job of going undercover than he did the last time…). But the thugs (and O’Shea) get the drop on Robin.

They plan to throw Robin out the window and then make their escape on a large purple getaway rocket (helpfully labelled, “GETAWAY ROCKET”). Luckily, Batman arrives in time to save Robin from falling to his doom, and then fisticuffs ensue. (At one point, our heroes are dangled out the window, with the street very obviously a lot closer than a hundred stories. At best it’s thirty stories…)

Seeing that the fight is going badly for her side, Catwoman goes out on the ledge, carrying both violins and the bag of money. At first she says she’d rather die than be captured, but after almost slipping on the ledge (never go out on a 102-story ledge in heels!), she changes her mind and allows Batman to rescue her with the bat-rope. Robin also tells her to drop the violins (they’re phonies anyhow) and the money, with no consideration for the fact that two fake violins and a sack of money will hit the ground really really hard after falling at an acceleration of 9.8 meters per second per second and probably kill anyone standing under them.

O’Shea wakes up long enough to try to interfere, which results in Batman also falling out the window, though he catches the same rope, forcing Robin to pull both Batman and Catwoman up. Catwoman, who is grateful that Batman saved her life, is hauled off to prison.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Batcave has a self-dialing phone—once you look up a number in the Bat-index, it dials the number automatically, thus predicting future cell phone usage. Batman has created bat-jets to put on the Batmobile, which he uses on the busted elevator.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When one of the cat-burglars says that Catwoman is behind them, Robin scoffs, “Holy cliché,” amazed that he’d think they’d fall for that old trick; of course Catwoman actually is behind them…

When Catwoman pulls out her dart guns, Robin first cries, “Holy weaponry!” and after he’s shot, he groggily puns, “Holy Dart-agnan!” (which Batman follows up with, “You made your point”). After hearing the specials at the Pink Sandbox, Robin mutters, “Holy epicure.” When Catwoman confesses to being attracted to Batman, Robin says, “Holy lovebirds, I think she’s sweet on you!” When Catwoman heats up the floor, burning their tootsies, Robin cries, “Holy bunions!” When Catwoman reveals that the trap has been greased with margarine to make them fry better, Robin mutters, “Holy oleo” (prompting Catwoman to say, “I didn’t know you could yodel”). Upon realizing he’s never heard of Mount Gotham, Robin, assuming it’s a defect in his studies, cries, “Holy alps, I’d better study up on my geography!” When Batman chides him for not wanting to bother putting money in the parking meter, Robin laments, “Holy taxation.”

Gotham City’s finest. The cops actually catch one of Catwoman’s three cat-burglars without any assistance from Batman! It’s a Christmas miracle! Of course, O’Hara happily lets Batman interrogate him…

Special Guest Villain. Returning for only her second appearance after the first season’s “The Purr-fect Crime” / “Better Luck Next Time” is Julie Newmar as Catwoman (though the character also appeared in the movie, played by Lee Meriwether). These are the first two of eleven episodes in which Newmar will appear in the second season (counting an uncredited cameo in “Ma Parker”), which will make her the most prolific villain of the season (Penguin will come very close, appearing in ten episodes, with Joker in nine).

Newmar also appears as the real Minerva Matthews.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Catwoman admits that Batman is the only man she knows who’s worthy of even the possibility of her love, and after Batman saves her life at the end, she goes ahead and propositions him. She admits that she turned down dates with the Joker (doesn’t like the green hair) and the Penguin (too short). She’s also got the hots for the armored truck driver, and is very disappointed to learn that he’s happily married with three kids.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“You can’t get away from Batman that easy.”

“Easily.”

“Easily.”

“Good grammar is essential, Robin.”

“Thank you, Batman.”

“You’re welcome.”

–Robin taunting Catwoman, and Batman taking time out of the confrontation to impart an irrelevant lesson about grammar.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 20 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Robert Greenberger, author of The Complete Batman Encyclopedia.

At the Gotham State Building, Gordon and O’Hara see the two cat-burglars up on the roof from the street and initially ask if they’re birds or planes, a play on the old “Look, up in the sky!” bit used to open several dramatic Superman adaptations.

In a rare bit of episode-to-episode continuity, Gordon states that Catwoman is alive, since she was last seen on the TV series falling into a bottomless pit at the end of “Better Luck Next Time.”

An impressive collection of guest stars in this one: Bart Maverick his own self, Jack Kelly, plays O’Shea. A young James Brolin appears as the armored truck driver. And Edy Williams, an actor and model probably best known for her work with Russ Meyer (to whom she was also briefly married), appears as the server at the Pink Sandbox (she’ll be back in “The Devil’s Fingers” / “The Dead Ringers” later this season as Rae).

While Julie Newmar also plays the woman she impersonates in “The Cat and the Fiddle,” Burt Ward does not play Zubin Zucchini, who is instead played by David Fresco (albeit with his face hidden, so if you want to believe that Ward was a good enough actor to pull it off, you can fool yourself).

“The Catusi,” an amusing variation of the Batusi, is played by a band called Benedict Arnold and the Traitors, a play on the popular contemporary band Paul Revere and the Raiders. The latter group will appear in “Hizzoner the Penguin” later this season.

Glob’s Drugstore is a play on Schwab’s Pharmacy, the eatery in Hollywood which was also used as the “office” of gossip columnist Sidney Skolsky in the 1930s. Skolsky was the person who popularized the nickname “Oscar” for the Academy Awards.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Maybe you can bully an aging mogul, but not me, Catwoman!” This two-parter is worth it just to watch Julie Newmar in action. She loses herself delightfully in the part, enjoying every slink, every meow, every raking of her claws. The entire sequence where she taunts the Dynamic Duo while they’re getting a hotfoot is worth it all by itself.

Having said that, this is a case where the two parts of the episode seem almost disconnected. The entire Stradivarius heist isn’t even hinted at in “Hot Off the Griddle” and the entire thing with Catwoman recruiting cat-burglars and training them in thievery has no kind of payoff in “The Cat and the Fiddle,” since the only thing the henchmen are good for in the second half is to get beaten up by Batman and Robin. Catwoman’s heist doesn’t require the henchmen in the least.

It’s nice to see that this episode actually embraces Catwoman’s role as a potential love interest for Batman, something that has been dealt with on and off and in many varying ways in the comics since she first appeared in Batman #1 in 1940. (True, the movie did it as well, but that interest was solely in Catwoman’s assumed persona of Kitka—as soon as Batman realized Kitka was Catwoman, all interest was gone.) Newmar flirts so outrageously, and it plays so well off Adam West doing his straightest-straight-man-in-the-universe act.

We’re also seeing more signs of the show’s self-consciousness, whether it’s Batman’s endless moralistic lessons for Robin (the parking meter, good grammar, not staring directly into the sun for fear of burning one’s retinas, etc.) or attempts to capture the zeitgiest of what the kids are into with the go-go dancing and “The Catusi” at the Pink Sandbox.

Still, just as with a weak Riddler episode, so too with a weak Catwoman episode: Newmar can cover a multitude of sins…

Bat-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido is pleased to see that his Thor novel Dueling with Giants (Book 1 in the Marvel’s Tales of Asgard trilogy) is now available in print form! The book should be available at finer bookstores everywhere (and crappy bookstores, too, no doubt) soon, and you can order it in print or eBook form various online dealers.

“The Minstrel’s Shakedown” / “Barbecued Batman?”
Written by Francis & Marian Cockrell
Directed by Murray Golden
Season 2, Episodes 5 and 6
Production code 9713
Original air dates: September 21 and 22, 1966

The Bat-signal: The Gotham City Stock Exchange is gripped by panic, as stock prices are going binky-bonkers—false stock prices are sent to the GCSE, and speculating on those false prices lead to chaos. Shortly afterward, the Minstrel, a man in a silly outfit and playing a fancy guitar, shows up on everyone’s TV screens and filks “A Wand’ring Minstrel” from The Mikado, assuring the folks on the Stock Exchange that they’ll be kept safe from the GCSE goofiness if they pay him $1000 a day, payable to his Swiss bank account.

Outraged at the blackmail attempt, one stock exchange member suggests calling the TV station, but Mr. Cortland, the president of the exchange, calls Gordon instead—and he calls Batman. Bruce and Dick were also watching the pirate broadcast (with Aunt Harriet declaring the mysterious figure to be very handsome), and they assure Gordon that they’re on their way.

Gordon, O’Hara, Batman, and Robin meet at Gordon’s office with Cortland and then proceed to the GCSE to see if they can find the sabotage that allowed the false prices through. They see that the circuitry has been sabotaged, but they say that they can’t find anything for the benefit of the microphone planted by the Minstrel.

The Dynamic Duo return to the Batcave to put together a microphone of their own to plant on the broadcast circuitry. After arranging entry to the GCSE with Gordon (as well as an office to hide out in), and eating a quick meal prepared by a concerned Alfred, they head over. At first, their mic only picks up a cleaning lady whistling, then the Minstrel ambushes them with a sparkler, fancy lights, and a riff on “Goodnight Ladies.” However, he left before removing all his sabotage—he attached oscillators to each circuit, and he forgot to grab one. Batman confiscates it.

But the Minstrel realizes that he left one behind, and now he needs to set a trap for Batman, since he expects Batman to trace the signal of his next pirate broadcast. Sure enough, Batman sets up a bat-drone to do so. The Minstrel hops onto another broadcast, this time to deliberately threaten Batman and Robin. They track the signal to the corner of Willow and Fourth Streets, and head there in the Batmobile. They bat-climb to the top of the abandoned warehouse and into a store room full of musical instruments—and also Minstrel’s henchmen waiting in ambush. Fisticuffs ensue, and while the Dynamic Duo are initially successful, they burst into a room that two thugs ran into, only to be trapped, er, somehow off-camera. Minstrel then ties them to a spit and starts rotating and roasting them while making fun of them to the tune of “Rock-a-Bye Baby.”

However, Batman had planted some bat-bombs in the hallway before they were trapped, and when they go off, Minstrel and his gang go off to check it out—at which point the Dynamic Duo are able to literally shake themselves loose from the spit. Fisticuffs ensue, but the Minstrel gets away—and so do the henchmen. The Dynamic Duo let the henchmen go, as there’s apparently no value in stopping riffraff when the real bad guy got away.

Octavia offers to surrender, but Batman sees no reason to imprison her, as she’s obviously there against her will. She quickly puts the kibosh on that notion, but Batman lets her go anyhow—complete with a tracking device in her handbag.

However, Minstrel finds the bug, and informs the Dynamic Duo via the bug that he’s enacting Plan High C, which—based on the apprehensive comments made by his henchmen—could get out of control and endanger the world. Minstrel urges Batman, Robin, Gordon, O’Hara, and the heads of the exchange to meet at the GCSE meeting room in thirty minutes.

At the appointed time, the room starts to shake—apparently the Minstrel found a subsonic frequency that would cause a sympathetic vibration with the building’s superstructure. Minstrel then shows up on television reiterating his demand of a thousand bucks each from the heads of the exchange—this time the checks must be delivered by Gordon to the Minstrel at six p.m. Otherwise, the Minstrel will destroy the GCSE.

Batman’s notion is to cut the power to the building, so Minstrel can’t make good on his threat. Cortland provides him with engineers to set up a switch that will cut power to the building.

Just before six, Minstrel shows up disguised in a suit and glasses along with Batman, Robin, Gordon, O’Hara, and the rest of the heads of the exchange. (Don’t they usually evacuate buildings that are threatened with destruction?) At six, Batman orders the power cut—but after a second, the power comes back on. The exchange members agree to give in to Minstrel’s demands—but Batman says that won’t be necessary, and he removes the glasses and shirt from the Minstrel, revealing his true identity. Minstrel summons his thugs and fisticuffs ensue. Batman and Robin are triumphant, and the Minstrel is taken away. He’s denied bail, though he sings a taunting song saying that he’ll return some day and kill the Dynamic Duo.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman has some tiny bat-bombs that work nicely as smoke bombs—and distractions. They have particle bat accelerator units that can apparently neutralize Minstrel’s sparkler. Also, Batman has his very own bat-drone! Talk about predicting future tech…

But the best part is the triumphant return of the Giant Lighted Lucite Map of Gotham City! Hooray! Batman and Robin use it when tracking the drone’s signal.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy transistor’s bill,” Robin mutters when seeing the messed-up circuitry at the GCSE. “Holy rainbow!” he cries when blinded by the Minstrel’s sparkler. “Holy flytrap!” he yells when Minstrel traps them (off-camera), and grumbles, “holy hot spot” when he and Batman are rotating on the spit. When they almost get flash-fried by the Minstrel’s booby-trapped door, Robin cries, “Holy fireworks!” When Minstrel threatens the entire world with Plan High C, Robin mutters, “holy cosmos.” “Holy kilowatts!” he yells at the notion of cutting power.

Gotham City’s finest. O’Hara expresses very legitimate concerns about Batman and Robin being masked vigilantes whose identities they don’t even know, but Gordon reprimands him pretty thoroughly for daring to speak ill of the pair of them who seem to do all the actual crime-fighting work in town. After all, it’s not like the GCPD has any whiff of competence—as if to prove it, O’Hara proves utterly useless in the climactic fight, being taken out with one punch by one of Minstrel’s thugs.

Special Guest Villain. The latest member of the famous-person-showing-up-to-play-a-villain-once derby is heartthrob Van Johnson as the Minstrel. Though he promises to one day return at the end, he never does.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Octavia thinks Batman is dreamy. When she offers herself to him to surrender, she says, “I think I might like it better being on your side.” Batman replies, “It’s always a satisfactory feeling knowing that you’re on the side of right, Octavia.” She says, “I wasn’t talking about right,” and Batman says, “I know.” Wah-HEY!

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Is this it, Batman? Is this the end?”

“If it is, Robin, let’s not lose our dignity!”

–Robin worried about finally dying in a deathrap, and Batman attempting to close the barn door after the horses are looooooong gone.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 21 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jim Beard, editor of Gotham City 14 Miles.

This is the first time the titles of the two-parter didn’t rhyme.

Phyllis Diller makes an uncredited cameo as a cleaning woman in the GCSE.

Despite being referred to as Octavia throughout both episodes, Leslie Perkins was for some reason credited as “Amanda” in the closing credits.

Minstrel’s Swiss bank account number is 007, likely a reference to James Bond‘s code number in the Ian Fleming novels and various films.

Robin mentions all the other villains they faced recently, and he lists most of the ones in the episodes that were produced for the second season prior to this one: Penguin, Catwoman, the Archer, and King Tut. In fact, this was the seventh two-parter produced, though the third aired.

This is the second of two scripts by the husband-and-wife team of Francis & Marian Cockrell, after “The Joker Trumps an Ace” / “Batman Sets the Pace,” which also had the villain breaking into song.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Goodnight Batman, goodnight Robin.” Here’s something I never expected to say about an episode of this show: this two-parter is a triumph of scripting over acting.

This goes counter to the entire credo of the 1966 Batman series. The whole point is that we watch the show for the goofiness, the earnestness, the pop-art sensibilities, the bright shiny colors, the incredibly specific signage, and most of all the superb performances of the villains. We do not tune in for the elegant, depth-filled scriptwriting.

And okay, we don’t get depth here, either, but still, this is one of the better writing endeavors. The Cockrells provide a much stronger effort than their disjointed mess of a previous script. Here we get a clever plan; borking the stock exchange and then blackmailing the heads of it is actually very clever, and I like that Minstrel threatens the GCSE building with science!

Plus we get a very rare case of a villain Batman hasn’t encountered before. In general, I like the fact that we’re seeing Batman in medias res, as it were, but it’s also nice to occasionally have there be a villain that the Caped Crusader isn’t already familiar with. It challenges our hero a bit more.

The problem is the Minstrel himself. Van Johnson was best known for playing nice guys, the fella next door who was really swell and would always lend you his power tools. Sometimes casting against type can work wonderfully (e.g., Bryan Cranston on Breaking Bad), but it fails utterly here, as Johnson is just too gosh-darned bland to be effective as a villain on a show that specializes in Cesar Romero’s giggling, Frank Gorshin’s gadding about while chortling, Burgess Meredith’s waddling, Julie Newmar’s purring and slinking, Roddy McDowall’s calmness with bursts of insanity, Victor Buono’s bloviating, and so on. Johnson playing him as bland as—well, as a stockbroker works against him.

The episode certainly has its moments. I love the revelation that Alfred is a bit of a day-trader, having suffered a few losses thanks to the Minstrel’s sabotage. O’Hara’s rant about whether or not they can truly trust Batman is spot-on, even if he does recant it a minute later (and a rare bit of backbone for the usually impotent chief). The seeds of the Dynamic Duo’s escape from the deathtrap are actually sown in the first part, as we see Batman plant the bombs in “The Minstrel’s Shakedown” that will be used to distract the bad guys so they can escape in “Barbecued Batman?” Also rotating on a spit is an awesome deathtrap! Plus both Aunt Harriet and Gordon going out of their way to point out how attractive and suave the Minstrel is…

But ultimately, it’s hard to care about the episode because the Minstrel just isn’t that interesting a villain as performed. As written, he’s fascinating, but Johnson’s bland affect and the weak-tea lyrics over public-domain songs just aren’t that compelling.

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be a guest at (Re)Generation Who 2 in Cockeysville, Maryland this weekend. Other guests at this delightful Doctor Who convention include former Doctors Peter Davison and Colin Baker, as well as actors Michael Troughton, Nicola Bryant, Sophie Aldred Henderson, Wendy Padbury, Deborah Watling, Anneke Wills, Terry Molloy, and Frazer Hines, Big Finish’s Jason Haigh-Ellery and Nicholas Briggs, musicians Cat Smith and Dominic Glynn, podcaster Dr. Arnold Blumberg, LEGO designer Andrew Clark, performers Antipode and Hannah Harkness, artist Kelsey Wailes, and fellow writers Robert Shearman, Nev Fountain, John Peel, Darren Watts, and Walt Ciechanowski. Keith will have a table where he’ll be selling and signing books; his full schedule is here.

“The Spell of Tut” / “Tut’s Case is Shut”
Written by Robert C. Dennis and Earl Barrett
Directed by Larry Peerce
Season 2, Episodes 7 and 8
Production code 9709
Original air dates: September 28 and 29, 1966

The Bat-signal: King Tut’s henchmen have broken into a rich person’s safe to steal an amber necklace. Said rich person caught them in the act, but was subdued by a lead pestle, of all things. He reports to Gordon, who has a temp secretary, Miss Patrick—who provides a mid-morning vitamin pill to Gordon while bending suggestively over the desk. Gordon calls Batman, and he and Robin head over. At Batman’s urging, Miss Patrick puts a call through to Yale to see if it really is Tut; the dean informs Batman that the erstwhile Tut fell off a podium and suffered another head injury, so he’s gone back to his villainous persona.

The use of a lead pestle, which has been out of use since the turn of the century, and the fact that amber beads with scarabs trapped in them were stolen, with several more precious jewels left behind, leads Batman to surmise that Tut is using an apothecary, a trade that has fallen out of favor with the advance of pharmaceuticals. They find an apothecary still working in Gotham, and head there.

At that very apothecary, Tut is playing Frankenstein with the dead scarabs, but he fails to revive them at 100,000 volts. But a 200,000-volt shot does the trick.

One bat-climb later, the Dynamic Duo show up at the apothecary’s, and fisticuffs ensue. While our heroes are victorious, the apothecary distracts them with sneezing powder and Tut and his henchmen make their escape, the bad guy snatching his scarabs—but accidentally leaving one behind. Batman and Robin bring it back to the Batcave and dig into some ancient papyrus scrolls that, apparently, he has lying around. He discovers a chemical formula that can no longer be used because it requires scarab blood—but now Tut has some! He can make a chemical that will subsume people to his will.

Batman—or, rather, Bruce Wayne—has also bought the sphinx that Tut used last time and had it delivered to Wayne Manor. Tut wants it back, and so plans to steal it from the stately mansion. However, it’s a Trojan sphinx—Robin is inside it as the henchmen take it to the Gizeh Gardens.

The apothecary has successfully created the elixir, and we also find out that Miss Patrick is actually Cleo Patrick, Tut’s moll. Tut wants the apothecary to crystallize the elixir to a powder and Miss Patrick will feed it to Gordon instead of his vitamin.

Fearing for Gordon, Robin tries to contact Batman, but he drops the bat-radio, which Tut hears, and his henchmen snatch Robin from inside the sphinx. Tut tries to give Robin the elixir, but Robin escapes through a door—that leads to Tut’s crocodile pit, complete with the world’s most unconvincing crocodiles. Robin is now trapped with them, a slowly receding plank the only thing standing between him and a tooth-filled death.

Tut, unable to stand the sound of the crocodiles chewing, leaves. Batman arrives in the Batmobile, and rescues the boy wonder by using the bat-laser to zap the bars on the window and then they climb out via the bat-rope.

Gordon heads out for an anniversary lunch with his wife, leaving O’Hara in charge. Miss Patrick comes in and gives him a pill—and two seconds later, Batman calls, urging him not to take any pills from Miss Patrick. Unfortunately, it’s too late, so despite O’Hara’s best intentions, he becomes Tut’s slave. Tut sends him out to dance on a thin ledge, and then to do flips on a flagpole. Batman and Robin decide to stand around and watch this for several minutes before finally heading up to Gordon’s office to rescue him, just missing Tut and Miss Patrick.

Batman continues to pore over papyrus in an attempt to find a cure for the elixir, and also drinks six glasses of buttermilk. Gordon—who has now also been zombified by Tut’s elixir—informs him that the sphinx has appeared in Jefferson Square Park, announcing that Tut plans to increase the number of places one can get water in Gotham City. At the park, Batman, Robin, and Gordon hear the announcement. Gordon then offers Batman a lemonade, which he has spiked with the elixir. Tut then calls Batman on a pay phone, and puts him under his control via the elixir. His henchmen lead Batman to his headquarters—when Robin tries to stop him, the henchmen capture him and bring him along as well.

Tut plans to taint the water supply with his elixir. He goes off to do that, and instructs his henchmen to feed the Dynamic Duo to the crocodiles. However, Batman was faking—the buttermilk he drank protected him from the elixir, er, somehow, but he needed to find out what Tut’s master plan was. Now that he’s divined it, fisticuffs ensue.

Tut tries to drive off with the tank containing the elixir, but the truck won’t start. Robin opens the valve, pouring it out onto the pavement, which is probably pretty irresponsible. However, Tut accidentally ingests some, and kneels before Batman.

Gordon apologizes profusely to Batman and Robin, and then commends their honesty and integrity to the camera for some reason, while O’Hara hauls a very confused professor of Egyptology off to jail.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman keeps radioactive pellets around, and dropped a few in Robin’s utility belt without telling him so he could track him using the Bat-geiger counter. (Dick probably didn’t want to have kids anyhow…) We also get the bat-laser and the bat-radio.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Once again, Dick goes with “holy hieroglyphics” when he learns that Tut is the bad guy, and then utters, “holy sarcophagus” upon learning that he suffered another head injury. Upon discovering the revived scarab, Robin mutters, “holy Frankenstein,” and upon discovering that the scarab will be used for a formula, Robin mutters, “holy corpuscle.” When he’s trapped with the crocodiles, he mutters, “holy jawbreaker.” Upon seeing O’Hara gad about on the flagpole, Robin mutters, “holy high-wire.”

Gotham City’s finest. The GCPD is very poor at doing background checks on their summer-substitute secretaries, and also at stopping known criminals from entering the commissioner’s office, something Tut accomplishes twice.

Special Guest Villain. Victor Buono returns as King Tut. Having already established himself as the first villain wholly created for the TV series, he’s now the first of those to recur. He’ll be back later this season in “King Tut’s Coup” / “Batman’s Waterlook,” and twice more in season three.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. In addition to posing suggestively when offering vitamins, Miss Patrick also thinks Batman is dreamy.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Gosh, Batman, what are they dressed like that for?”

–Robin’s magnificently un-self-aware question regarding the Green Hornet and Kato.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 22 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author Julio Angel Ortiz.

The latest window cameo during a bat-climb is by Van Williams and Bruce Lee as the Green Hornet and Kato, stars of The Green Hornet, another Dozier production that had debuted alongside Batman‘s second season premiere that month. Williams and Lee will appear again later this season in “A Piece of the Action” / “Batman’s Satisfaction,” which will (unsurprisingly) not acknowledge the brief meeting in this episode.

Tewfik is played by Michael Pataki, the latest Star Trek connection on the ’66 Batman, as Pataki played Korax in “The Trouble with Tribbles” (and later played Karnas in “Too Short a Season” on TNG).

Tut once again uses the “sphinx” (really more of a likeness of Khnum), as he did in “The Curse of Tut” / “The Pharaoh’s in a Rut,” to make pronouncements. This time the statue is in Jefferson Square Park, the latest riff on a New York location, in this case on Madison Square Park.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Of course, my good and friendly pharaoh, your wish is my command.” On the face of it, it probably made sense to bring Robert Dennis and Earl Barrett back to write King Tut’s second appearance, since they wrote his first one. But recycling the writers also meant, apparently, recycling several plot elements. We get Tut again falling on his head and becoming a villain, him again wishing to take over Gotham City, him again using the “sphinx” to announce his intentions, the climax again involving Batman pretending to be under Tut’s power but faking it (without even the benefit of a Batusi), and the episode again ends with Tut being restored to his professor persona.

It doesn’t help that the henchmen and moll are kinda too much. Sid Haig’s goggle-eyed performance as the apothecary just feels off somehow, Michael Pataki’s Tewfik is so one-note that even Tut comments on it, and Marianna Hill is a most ineffective moll. And Gordon’s turning to the camera at the end is honestly really disconcerting…

Plus, six glasses of buttermilk? Seriously? Also, why doesn’t Batman make Robin also drink some buttermilk? And why does he put radioactive pellets into Robin’s utility belt without telling him?

There are some decent elements. Victor Buono gives another spectacularly fun over-the-top performance. I like that they set up the crocodiles at the very beginning, so they make a more effective cliffhanger—or, rather, they would if the crocs they used weren’t the most unconvincing fake crocs ever, made worse by interpolating stock footage of real crocodiles, which only exacerbates the problem. It’s fun watching O’Hara gad about on the ledge, with Stafford Repp’s stunt double doing particularly well on the flagpole.

But ultimately, we’ve seen this all before, and it was more interesting the last time.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido reminds everyone that his latest novel, Marvel’s Thor: Dueling with Giants (Book 1 of the Tales of Asgard trilogy) is now out in print form. Go buy it. Now.

“The Greatest Mother of Them All” / “Ma Parker”
Written by Henry Slesar
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 9 and 10
Production code 9707
Original air dates: October 5 and 6, 1966

The Bat-signal: The Gotham City Mother of the Year Award ceremony is robbed by Ma Parker and her three sons, Pretty Boy, Machine Gun, and Mad Dog, as well as her daughter Legs. They’re each carrying their own personalized loot bags. Ma and her kids have terrorized the entire country, but this is the first time they’ve hit Gotham City. Gordon immediately calls Batman, relieving Dick by interrupting his Greek lesson. Batman is stunned that she hasn’t been caught yet.

The GCPD has their house on Cherry Blossom Road surrounded—for her part, Ma is unconcerned, feeding dinner to the four kids while firing on the cops with her machine gun. Batman and Robin show up—and Ma is actually happy about that, as apparently the Dynamic Duo is crucial to her plan.

They climb up the side of the house and enter, disarming Ma. Fisticuffs ensue—well, among the boys, anyhow, Ma hides behind her rocking chair while Legs clears the table. Batman and Robin are victorious, at which point Ma weeps and wails, playing on the sympathy of both the cops and the Dynamic Duo not to hurt a sweet little old lady who didn’t mean any harm. They lead her outside, when she pulls a smoke bomb out of her hair. Most of the gang get away, but Batman manages to capture Pretty Boy.

Ma is targeting places where rich folks congregate, and Bruce Wayne gets invited to that stuff. Of the things on today’s society calendar, he feels that a gala showing of The Woman in Red at the Bijou Theatre is their best bet. They arrive at the theatre just as Ma and the gang are leaving with their loot. They hijack a truck, but Machine Gun is caught. After handing him over to the cops, they search the city for Ma’s stolen truck, finding her robbing a drugstore. They stop the robbery, and while Ma and Legs get away, Mad Dog is captured.

After they accept the accolades of the crowd they return to the Batcave to try to deduce where Ma’s hideout is. They strike upon something that fits her regular attempts to convince people she’s a helpless little old lady (right before she pulls her gun on them): the Gotham City Old Folks Home.

The nurse recognizes the picture as being Mrs. Smith, an invalid, but it’s Ma all right. Legs is all set to surrender, but Ma takes off in her jet-powered wheelchair. However, she’s unable to crash through the wall, and she’s captured. Which is too bad, because she has a jet-powered wheelchair, and that’s fantastic!

Batman, Robin, and Gordon meet with Warden Crichton at the Gotham State Penitentiary, along with Ma and her gang. The boys are wearing plain blue jumpsuits, while Ma and Legs are wearing striped prison outfits with their prisoner number on them. Ma’s is 5432; Legs’s is 35-23-34 (wah-HEY!). Crichton gives his usual reform speech.

But once the Dynamic Duo and the commissioner leave, Ma reveals that she’s spent the last several months replacing the guards at the prison with her own people and she’s taking over the prison. It’s the perfect hideout, because who’d look for a criminal hiding out there?

One of those people, a trusty, has left a bomb in the Batmobile, which will explode when the car hits 60 MPH. Unfortunately, Batman insists on going 55 MPH, as that’s the speed limit. But the words of the trusty to Batman before they drove off make him suspicious, as he said the warden likes to go 70 MPH—but the warden would never break the speed limit. Sure enough, he finds the bomb and tosses it aside.

They return to the prison, where Crichton is forced to play along with Ma’s plan, pretending all is well. The family is all in the same cell block—which Batman finds suspicious, but Crichton plays it off as a new reform strategy: “the family that dorms together, reforms together.”

Once the Dynamic Duo departs, Ma gives a speech to the inmates—including Catwoman, inexplicably still in her costume—saying that the harder Batman and Robin work, the more members of the “prison gang” they’ll be supplying.

Their first job is to hit an armored car outside the Gotham National Bank. They use an explosive, which registers on the Batcave’s seismograph. When the Dynamic Duo shows up to foil it—and hey, if Mr. Fancy Pants always obeys the speed limit, how did he manage to drive the 14 miles from the Batcave to Gotham City, yet still arrive before Ma was done robbing the armored truck?—Ma throws some of the loot into the crowd, which provides enough of a distraction so that they get away, leaving only a strip of sleeve behind. Batman analyzes it and discovers that it’s from prison coveralls. He calls the penitentiary, and Crichton throws caution to the wind and tries to tell Batman what’s really happening. Ma’s gang stops him with the use of a garbage can on his head.

Batman and Robin break into the prison, and manage to get past one guard (by telling him that he only has 48 years to parole and this would jeopardize it), only to be captured by two more. Ma puts them in electric chairs—after feeding them a hearty meal—and then leaves them. She’s holding off on zapping them until midnight so the drag on the power grid won’t be as obvious. But Ma leaves Legs behind to keep an eye on them.

Batman works on Legs, sowing seeds of suspicion that they’re plotting something without her. That causes her to leave and go after Ma and the boys, leaving Batman free to break one wire and use the charge to activate the shortwave radio in his utility belt. Using bat-code, he instructs Alfred to have the electric company cut power to the penitentiary at midnight.

When midnight strikes, Ma and the kids come in to kill the Dynamic Duo, but when they throw the switch, the power goes out. Fisticuffs ensue, but Batman and Robin have the advantage of infrared eyeglasses, and are victorious. Only Legs gets away.

The following Sunday, Batman, Robin, and Gordon visit the pen just in time for a package to arrive for Ma—turns out that, while they had control of the prison, Ma’s kids arranged to have flowers sent to her on this day: Mothers Day.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman manages to whip a bat-magnet and rope out of his utility belt before Ma can fire her machine gun and use it to yank the weapon from her hands. The crime computer tells him that Ma is targeting high-society gatherings, the seismograph tells him that there’s an explosion near the bank, and the hyper-spectrographic analyzer tells him that the sleeve is from the prison. Both Batman and Robin carry infrared eyeglasses that allow them to see in the dark. There’s also the Transistorized Short Wave Radio Bat Receiver (which apparently receives transistorized shortwave radio bats…), which is loud enough to be heard in Wayne Manor from the Batcave by a mercifully not-very-bright Aunt Harriet. Oh, and there’s also a “bat-code,” which sounds a heckuva lot like Morse Code…

Batman also carries “Lock Your Car” bumper stickers in his utility belt to hand out to citizens not bright enough to do so on their own.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Robin’s response to the threat of Ma is “Holy rocking chair!” Yes, really. His response to Ma’s arsenal is “Holy gunpowder!” When Ma pulls a smoke bomb from her beehive, he cries, “Holy hairdo!” When Batman tells Robin that the crime computer can predict where Ma will strike next—something he had to have seen it do a thousand times before—he cries out, “Holy forecast, Batman, can it really tell us where she’ll strike next?” When Mad Dog is stopped by a greeting card display, he predictably says, “Holy greeting cards!” Robin dully cries, “Holy camouflage!” when they realize Ma is hiding somewhere and cleverly cries, “Holy rheostat” when they’re stuck in the electric chairs. When Batman reveals his instruction to Alfred to cut power to the pen, Robin cries, “Holy Edison!”

But the best of all is when Ma shoots down the old folks home corridor in her jet-powered wheelchair (which is amazing!!!), and Robin cries out, “Holy Wernher von Braun!” (“Nazi, schmazi,” says Wernher von Braun…)

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon rhetorically asks O’Hara why Ma hasn’t struck Gotham before, and O’Hara manages to keep a straight face when he says it’s because they have the finest law-enforcement in the land. Gordon looks at him the way you look at a four-year-old who’s said something particularly stupid and reminds him that Gotham has Batman and Robin, which is who she’s really scared of.

As if to prove it, the cops are utterly incapable of taking out Ma and her kids at her house even though there are a dozen cops and only one woman with a machine gun (the kids are eating dinner during the shootout), who can’t shoot straight.

Special Guest Villainess. Continuing the second season’s theme of famous actors wanting to be a Bat-villain, we have Shelley Winters as Ma Parker. In addition, Julie Newmar makes an uncredited cameo as Catwoman.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Robin remarks that Legs has legs that reminds him of Catwoman, to which Batman replies with an indulgent, “You’re growing up, Robin,” adding that he should keep his sights raised (ahem) while fighting crime.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Now what do you want to do first: parse, conjugate, or decline?”

“Decline.”

–Aunt Harriet trying to get Dick to do his Greek homework, and Dick using wordplay to try to get out of it.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 23 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jay Smith, creator of the audio dramas HG World, The Googies, and The Diary of Jill Woodbine.

For the second time, the titles don’t rhyme, but this time, they do combine to form a sentence.

Although he’s been mentioned several times, this is the first appearance made by David Lewis as Crichton since he was introduced in “Fine Feathered Finks” / “The Penguin’s a Jinx.” He’ll be back later this season in “The Penguin’s Nest.”

Besides Newmar’s uncredited cameo, famous funnyman Milton Berle also appears in an uncredited role as a convict working for Ma in the prison. He’ll be back as Louie the Lilac in the third season.

Catwoman mentions Joker and Penguin, but says they’re in solitary confinement. Ma keeps them there, probably figuring they’d try to horn in on her action.

Ma Parker was based, not on a comic-book villain, but rather on Kate “Ma” Barker, who was a machine-gun-toting criminal in the 1930s who committed crimes with her children. Shelley Winters would go on to play Barker in the Roger Corman film Bloody Mama in 1970.

Writer Henry Slesar was a veteran mystery writer as well as a screenwriter; he was a regular contributor to Alfred Hitchcock Presents and The Alfred Hitchcock Hour. This is his only contribution to the series.

At one point, Batman pauses to urge a citizen to lock his car, and also hands him a bumper sticker. There was actually a major Justice Department initiative in the mid-1960s urging people to lock their cars for safety. It’s an open question whether or not the show was adopting it or lampooning it.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Let’s help a little old lady across the street—and into the penitentiary!” This seems to be a recurring theme this season: famous person is on the hip new show as a villain, famous person is horrendous in the role. We’ve already seen this with Art Carney phoning it in as the Archer and Van Johnson blanding it up as the Minstrel, and now we have Shelley Winters, who basically shouts her way through the role of Ma Parker.

Allegedly, Winters sustained a back injury on the set, which explains why she looks like she’s pained throughout the story, but it results in a performance that is just not all that compelling. Mostly, the issue is that she never modulates her tone, it’s just one long shout with no variation. This is especially problematic when she has to shift into little-old-lady mode—it ruins her attempts to fool people, because she’s doing a shouty monotone regardless of whether she’s shooting her machine gun, feeding her kids, or trying to appear helpless.

It’s too bad, because Henry Slesar’s script is actually pretty good. Ma’s plan is unique, and while it may strain credulity for her to be able to replace every guard in the prison with one of her people without Crichton noticing, Crichton is enough of a crusading caricature, that I can see him missing the forest thanks to his major focus on the trees. For once, the show acknowledges that there are places outside Gotham City, as Ma has been menacing every place but Gotham leading up to this episode—I like the idea that she’s stayed away because of our heroes. The Catwoman cameo (and name-check of Joker and Penguin) is a nice touch, and Ma zooms down the corridor of a nursing home in a jet-powered wheelchair! Holy crap that’s awesome! I would’ve preferred an extended chase scene, perhaps with the Batmobile and the jet-powered wheelchair, but I’ll take what I can get, I suppose.

All in all, it’s yet another second-season story done in by an actor who can’t live up to the standards set by the regular bad guys. I’m only rating it as high as a 4 because jet-powered wheelchair!!!!!!

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido has several novels due in the next year or so, including the Tales of Asgard trilogy based on the Marvel heroes Thor (already out), Sif (just approved by Marvel and due as an eBook very soon), and the Warriors Three (in progress), as well as Stargate SG-1: Kali’s Wrath, the urban fantasy A Furnace Sealed, and the fifth book in his “Precinct” series of fantasy police procedurals, Mermaid Precinct.

“The Clock King’s Crazy Crimes” / “The Clock King Gets Crowned”
Written by Bill Finger and Charles Sinclair
Directed by James Neilson
Season 2, Episodes 11 and 12
Production code 9711
Original air dates: October 12 and 12, 1966

The Bat-signal: At Harry Hummert’s, the finest jewelry shop in Gotham City, a wealthy woman admires the new clock Hummert has bought for the shop. But it’s not for sale, it’s just a shop piece. However, it also has a camera inside it, one that feeds to the villain known as the Clock King. It also emits gas that renders Hummert, the wealthy woman, and another employee unconscious, allowing the place to be robbed by the Clock King’s henchmen.

Gordon calls Batman, thus interrupting a chess game in which Dick makes a move, thus putting Bruce in check—and then when Alfred says the Bat-phone is ringing, Dick makes a second move in a row, which is totally illegal.

They forego GCPD HQ and go straight to Hummert’s, as time is of the essence when facing the Clock King (har har).

At his secret hideout, the Clock King admires his loot and compliments his henchmen. Then it reaches the hour and his moll and henchmen all cover their ears as dozens of clocks all chime that the hour has been reached.

Hummert tells Batman and Robin that he bought the clock from the Parkhurst Gallery—he buys stuff there every Wednesday. Clock King probably learned of Hummert’s habit of buying from Parkhurst at midweek. They head there—but Clock King is heading there also…

Parkhurst checks his auction book, and determines that a person named Mr. Chronos who matches the physical description of Clock King brought the clock to be auctioned.

Even as Batman and Robin head to seek out their next lead, Parkhurst heads upstairs to lead the gallery’s first exhibit of pop art, which is getting TV coverage and everything. Clock King shows up at the opening, disguised as the self-described “king of pop art,” Progress Pigment, and he reveals his mechanical sculpture Time Out of Joint.

Parkhurst tries to kick him out, but Clock King insists it’s the finest piece of pop art extant. But even as he demonstrates his sculpture, the sculpture is secretly carving a hole into the gallery wall.

The Caped Crusaders head to Dunbar’s Drive-in to question one of Clock King’s previous molls, who works as a waitress there—or, rather, she did, she quit and moved back home to the Midwest. However, they decide to get lunch and also see what’s on the news. They view the coverage of the pop art opening, and see “Pigment” and deduce that it’s Clock King. They head over, but by the time they arrive, Clock King has already rendered the patrons unconscious with “supersonic sound” and stolen a painting.

But before he can get away, Batman and Robin show up and fisticuffs ensue. But while they take care of the henchmen, Clock King is able to ensnare them in evil slinkies of doom that get shot out of the sculpture. However, they get away when they see the cops arriving. (Batman explains to Robin that he called O’Hara from the mobile bat-phone, even though Robin had to have been right next to him when he did that…)

Clock King dropped a watch and Batman analyzes it to determine that the bad guy’s HQ is a closed watchmakers. They climb up the wall and try to ambush Clock King, but he was expecting them and manages to take them down, trapping them in a giant hourglass, having taken the precaution of removing their utility belts first. Sand pours down into the bottom of the hour glass. Clock King’s alarm goes off, so he must go to his appointment with Mr. Smith, who will help them at precisely 5pm.

After the bad guys depart, our heroes manage to knock the hourglass onto its side and then roll it out the door, where it gets hit by a truck, which finally shatters the glass.

Aunt Harriet stops by GCPD HQ to invite Gordon and O’Hara to a surprise birthday party for Bruce at Wayne Manor that evening. She also bought a clock for Bruce for his birthday—one that comes from the Clock King as well, and also has a camera in it, allowing Clock King to spy on Bruce so he can steal the millionaire’s collection of pocket watches.

Unfortunately, one of the henchmen screwed up. Instead of knockout gas, he put the atomic energy directional control switch on the clock in Wayne Manor. This is bad, as that switch is supposed to be on the device in Clock King’s HQ that he’s using on the big 5pm job. Clock King breaks into Wayne Manor and clubs Alfred on the head (while Batman and Robin are downstairs in the Batcave getting sand out of their boots and trying to figure out where Clock King will strike next) to take the clock back (since he needs that atomic energy directional control switch) and also to steal Bruce’s pocket watches, since they’re there anyhow.

However, Harriet catches them red-handed, and Alfred wakes up long enough to sound the alarm and summon Bruce and Dick. They can’t stop Clock King from leaving with the clock, but they do save the pocket watches, and also keep Harriet from being kidnapped.

Batman and Robin go through the Smiths in the Bat computer, but then they think that maybe he was referring to smiths, as in blacksmiths. A clock tower in Gotham has a statue of a smith that strikes the bell on the hour. Across the way from the clock tower is the heliport. Batman calls Gordon to see if anyone is arriving on the heliport at 5pm—two physicists will be delivering a cesium clock to the Gotham Institute. The Clock King no doubt wants to steal it.

They head to the tower. Clock King, and his moll and henchmen are already there, getting ready to steal the cesium clock. Batman and Robin arrive, stunning Clock King, who thought they were dead.

Fisticuffs ensue, and the bad guys are captured, the cesium clock safe.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-Photoscope can transmit a photo of the Clock King to the Batmobile. A pity that the best he can do for facial recognition software is a grease pencil…

The Bat Chemical Analyzer enables Batman to determine what kind of dust is on Clock King’s watch. And the Bat Computer can spit out all kinds of information about criminals. Also Alfred has a burglar alarm in his belt buckle that sounds in the Batcave.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon realizing that “Progress Pigment” is Clock King, Robin cries, “Holy masquerade!” Upon being caught by Clock King’s evil slinkies of doom, Robin cries, “Holy mainspring!” Upon figuring out where Clock King’s hideout is, Robin cries, “Holy sundials!” Upon failing to break the hourglass when it falls over, Robin cries, “Holy squirrel cage!” for no good reason except to give Batman the idea of using the hourglass like a hamster wheel. Upon seeing Clock King in Wayne Manor’s living room, Dick cries, “Holy hijacking!” Upon realizing that “Mr. Smith” is a blacksmith, Robin cries, “Holy horseshoes!” Upon learning that cesium clocks are used in space, Robin mutters, “Holy liftoff!” Upon seeing that a henchman’s errant gunshot has started the clockwork going, Robin cries, “Holy merry-go-round!”

Also in the “previously on” segment in “The Clock King Gets Crowned,” William Dozier says, “Holy Sahara!” when they show the Caped Crusaders being inundated with sand in the giant hourglass.

Gotham City’s finest. O’Hara says at the end of the episode, after Batman and Robin have captured the Clock King, that “I couldn’t have done it better meself.” Batman manages to keep a straight face when he replies that that’s high praise indeed.

Special Guest Villain. Walter Slezak is the latest one-off villain to debut this season and never be seen again, though at least the Clock King—unlike the Archer, the Minstrel, and Ma Parker—does originate from the comics.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. One of the customers at the drive-in thinks that Robin is “too much.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Oh! I didn’t know you could fly a helicopter.”

“Millie, for a million dollars, a man can do almost anything.”

–Millie being inappropriately impressed with Clock King, and Clock King underestimating the difficulty level in flying a helicopter.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 24 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, me! Yup, your humble rewatcher talked about this episode on the podcast…

This episode was co-written by Bill Finger, Batman’s co-creator. Only recently has Finger officially been given the credit he deserves for the work he did with Bob Kane to create Batman in 1939.

The window cameo is Sammy Davis Jr., who is inexplicably rehearsing in the same abandoned clockmakers that Clock King is using as a hideout.

For the second week in a row, and the third time this season, the titles don’t rhyme, though they do both start with the name of the villain, so there’s that.

The Clock King originated in the comics as a Green Arrow villain in World’s Finest in 1960, and later would appear in Justice League International and Suicide Squad. He is only a Batman villain in this TV show and later in Batman: The Animated Series (in which he is voiced by Alan Rachins).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Some people kill time, but this time, time is going to kill you.” About all this episode has going for it is the nice send-up of pop art. Seeing Clock King set himself as a latter-day Claes Oldenberg is hysterical, as are the Batman-themed pieces of art that “Progress Pigment” decries as awful. It’s a delightful dig at the pop art world’s embracing of Batman.

Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is a meandering mess. Aside from his fascination with clocks, there’s nothing particularly interesting about the Clock King. Walter Slezak seems to be having fun with the role, but the script has him talking about planning things to the second and timing and whatnot, but absolutely nothing in any of his crimes require that level of split-second timing. In fact, the only occasion on which timing comes up is when he decides to steal Bruce’s pocket watches, thus giving Harriet time to catch him in the act.

And even that scene gives us one of the most ridiculous moments in a show full of them, the constant cutting back and forth between the Batcave and the living room, with William Dozier intoning, “Meanwhile, in the Batcave” and “Meanwhile, in the Wayne living room” over and over and over again.

The entire diversion to the drive-in is the textbook definition of “pointless,” especially since the “Batburger” thing is just head-scratching. The cliffhanger resolution starts out promising—tilting the hourglass onto its side is actually quite clever—but then just gets silly with the hamster wheel thing and the truck.

A very disappointing contribution from Batman’s co-creator.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido is the Author Guest of Honor at Treklanta 2016 this coming weekend, alongside actors Carel Struycken, Tracee Lee Cocco, Jack Stauffer, Java Green, and Lynn McArthur; fans Bjo & John Trimble; and numerous other authors, performers, and fan film folk.

“An Egg Grows in Gotham” / “The Yegg Foes in Gotham”
Written by Edwin Self and Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by george waGGner
Season 2, Episodes 13 and 14
Production code 9717
Original air dates: October 19 and 20, 1966

The Bat-signal: We open at City Hall. (Amusingly, they use a shot of the New York County Courthouse on Center Street in Manhattan rather than New York’s City Hall for the establishing shot.) A tour comes into an exhibit hall that includes the original Gotham City charter, which is vacuum-sealed in a burglar-proof case. However, on the tour are Egghead, his two henchmen (Benedict and Foo Young), and his moll (Miss Bacon), who proceed to put the lie to the “burglar-proof” part by gassing the room and stealing the charter by using an egg-splosive.

Cut to GCPD HQ, where Gordon and O’Hara conclude, as ever, that only one person can aid them in their time of need.

Cut to Wayne Manor, where we get a hint as to why Egghead targeted the charter in particular. Gotham City (Bruce explains to Dick) was founded by three families who landed on Gotham Rock: the Savages, the Tylers, and the Waynes. They leased the land from the Mohican Indians for the cost of nine raccoon pelts. According to the very same charter that Egghead stole, the lease must be renewed every five years, and tonight is the night when a member of each family—on this occasion, Bruce, Pete Savage, and Tim Tyler—gives the leader of the Mohican tribe, Chief Screaming Chicken (yes, really) three raccoon pelts each. Apparently Bruce acquired his pelts by buying the raccoon coat off a 1920s musician who’d fallen on hard times, and cutting it into thirds. Because that’s totally in the spirit of the original charter. (A real man would’ve hunted the raccoons himself and skinned them. Bruce is such a wuss. (And yes, I’m being sarcastic. Honestly, his solution was actually pretty humane, given what he was charged with doing. (Not that it matters much to the poor raccoons… (Damn, this is a lot of nested parentheticals.))))

Alfred interrupts this history lesson with the news that the bat-phone has buzzed, and Bruce and Dick make their feeble excuses to Aunt Harriet and head to the phone, to the batpoles, to the Batmobile, and to police HQ.

Batman, Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara try to figure out why Egghead stole the charter. O’Hara also comments that Egghead is the smartest man in the world, only amending it with “present company excepted, of course” when Robin tartly says, “second-smartest.” (For his part, Batman says nothing, save that Egghead is certainly the smartest villain they’ve ever faced.)

Robin hypothesizes that Egghead wants to start a war between Gotham City and the Mohican tribe—but it turns out that Screaming Chicken is the last of the Mohicans (a joke the script rarely passes up an opportunity to make). Wouldn’t be much of a war, really.

Batman hypothesizes that it might have to do with the raccoon ceremony. Gordon asks where the three millionaires are. Peter Savage is in his Gotham home, though he spends most of his time in Paris. Tim Tyler is probably watching the baseball team he owns, while they speculate that Bruce Wayne is probably off doing something inconsequential with his youthful ward. (Phrasing!)

Cut to Egghead’s lair at the Ghoti Oeufs Caviar Company, where Egghead egg-splains himself. He’s looking for a loophole in the charter that he can egg-sploit to gain control of the city—and he finds one! If the nine raccoon pelts aren’t paid on time by the scions of the Wayne, Tyler, and Savage families, control of the city reverts to the Mohicans and/or their legal representative.

Batman and Robin head to Screaming Chicken’s Roadside Teepee, which sells blankets, souvenirs, tacos, pizza, and blintzes. Batman provides the traditional Mohican greeting, which starts with the recitation of questions (“How?” “What?” “When?” “Where?”), then continues to turning around twice, hitting each other on the left shoulder, and a pinky swear. Batman wishes to be sure that Screaming Chicken will be at the ceremony that evening, and despite the fact that the price is a bit too low—he thinks it should at least twelve pelts, since the cost of living has gone up—Screaming Chicken says he’ll be there.

After they leave, we find out that Egghead has gotten there first. He has secured an agreement with Screaming Chicken for the lease on Gotham City—but only if the three millionaires fail to pay the nine raccoon pelts. Egghead’s deal is for $100 a month, plus all the eggs he can eat. Egghead even throws in the import/egg-sport concession on all genuine American Indian blankets made in Japan.

Batman checks the Batfile for any new egg-related companies, but there aren’t any since the last time they tussled with Egghead. But then Batman hits on the idea of a fish-egg company, and they find Ghoti Oeufs, which opened recently. “Oeuf” is French for “egg,” but Robin doesn’t get “ghoti.” Batman explains that “gh” is “f” (as in tough or rough), “o” is “i” (as in women), and “ti” is “sh” (as in ration or nation). Robin is suitably impressed, which puts him in a class by himself.

They head to Ghoti Oeufs to find that Screaming Chicken is working alongside Egghead, Bendict, Foo Young, and Miss Bacon. Fisticuffs ensue (during which both Vincent Price and Burt Ward’s stunt doubles are egg-stremely obvious). Egghead manages to get off an egg grenade filled with laughing gas, which covers their escape. Batman and Robin manage to counteract the laughing gas with a sad pill, then head back to the Batcave. Since Screaming Chicken is now working with Egghead, Batman figures that Egghead’s scheme involves breaking the lease to Gotham.

He calls Pete Savage and Tim Tyler, who both reassure Bruce that they’ll be at the ceremony—but both are under threat from Egghead and his thugs. Bruce and Dick, meanwhile, dress up in tuxedos and take their three pelts to the ceremony. The limo picks them up, along with Tyler and Savage—but Egghead is driving the limo, and he gasses the four occupants.

They wake up in Egghead’s lair. Egghead has deduced that Batman must be a millionaire, as crime-fighting is a time-consuming and egg-spensive hobby. The three present are the only ones who fit the bill, aside from a few aging rock stars (cough) in terms of age but Tyler is left-handed, and Savage speaks with a French accent. (You would think there’s also the fact that Savage spends most of his time in Paris, but whatever.) So he figures it must be Bruce. To prove it, he’s put Bruce in a thought transferer which removes all thoughts from one person’s brain into another’s. It leaves the victim a vegetable—so even if Egghead is wrong, Bruce will be a mindless fop. (Egghead passes up the opportunity to say that that wouldn’t be much of a change from Bruce’s rep.)

However, everyone’s staring at Bruce and Egghead, so nobody notices Dick messing with the electricity, causing the machine to go boom. Only a tiny bit of information trickled into Egghead’s brain, but it was all useless trivia—Egghead finds it inconceivable that someone with that much useless info in his head could be Batman (Bruce managed to compartmentalize his thoughts so that was all Egghead got). He fends off the millionaires with a “radar egg” that will explode at the slightest vibration—and then he rolls it across the floor. Right. But it covers his and his henchmen’s escape. Besides, it’s almost midnight, so the lease will egg-spire.

There’s an incredibly convenient pipe running across the top of the room, which enables the foursome to get out of the bomb’s range. Bruce uses his skills as the former junior marble champion of Gotham City (because of course he was) to set off the bomb so no innocent bystander will accidentally trigger it, then they pootle off to the ceremony.

Sadly, they’re three minutes late. Screaming Chicken now owns Gotham and all its suburbs. Not only that, he’s followed through on his deal with Egghead, so the villain now runs the jernt. He fires Gordon and Mayor Linseed and has Batman and Robin egg-spelled from the city.

Felonies are no longer felonies in Gotham, with Egghead instructing the cops to ignore his people committing such crimes, but to punish misdemeanors, resulting in tons of tickets given out for jaywalking, littering, and not fastening seatbelts. Since Batman and Robin have been banned from the city, it’s up to Bruce and Dick to save the day. Figuring that there must be some fine print that everyone overlooked, he also steals the charter from City Hall (apparently it’s okay when good guys break the law). However, Egghead was egg-specting that, and has a personal alarm go off when the charter is stolen. He sends the cops to City Hall where O’Hara is following his orders to find Batman and Robin and shoot them on sight. However, he just sees Bruce and Dick and lets them go on their merry way.

They bring the charter back to the Batcave, and sure enough, there is fine print. Yes, if they miss the raccoon payment, ownership of the city reverts to the Mohicans, however Mochians cannot then turn around and lease the city to anyone with a criminal record. They deduce that Egghead will go after the city treasury now that he’s in charge, so they head there. Meanwhile, Egghead and his minions are already there, reveling in their newfound—and tax egg-zempt!—cash.

Batman and Robin show up at Gordon’s office, where Gordon is packing his things, and Linseed is pacing miserably. Linseed informs them that Egghead has put a $50,000 bounty on Batman’s head. Batman tells them about the loophole, and so Gordon informs the police over the radio that they don’t have to take any more of Egghead’s guff. (That is exactly how he phrases it!)

The Caped Crusaders arrive to find that Egghead has already cleaned out the treasury. However, they do find that they left Screaming Chicken behind. According to the chief, Egghead’s plan is to take the money and run to Venezuela. (No word on whether or not he’s also changing his name to “Matilda.”)

Robin alerts Gordon to guard all possible ways of leaving Gotham City, then he and Batman head back to the Batcave, where we find out that somehow, off-camera, the citizenry of Gotham City has forgiven Screaming Chicken. Batman figures that Egghead will be stocking upon AAA eggs, which is what his diet consists exclusively of, before his trip to Venezuela. The only egg farm big enough to satiate him would be Old MacDonald’s Chicken Ranch, and so they head there, to find that Egghead is, in fact, stealing Old MacDonald’s eggs.

Fisticuffs ensue—and also a good deal of egg-tossing, because why the heck not? Our heroes win, of course. The visiting criminals who were taking advantage of Egghead’s reign have all been captured by the police, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Batfile has all kinds of useful info, including what egg companies might have opened recently. Batman carries sad pills in his utility belt in order to counteract laughing gas, because of course he does.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Robin expresses his theory as to why Egghead stole the charter with the exclamation “Holy Bill of Rights!” When Batman explains the etymology of “ghoti” for “fish,” Robin mutters, “Holy semantics, Batman!” After Batman explains his mnemonic for remembering phone numbers (involving transposing numbers to letters and women he used to date—don’t ask), Robin waggles his eyebrows as he says, “Holy IT&T” (thus dating the episode…). When Linseed informs Batman that there’s a $50,000 price on his head, Robin cries, “Holy recompense!” and when they discover that Egghead has already looted the treasury, the best Robin can do is, “Holy banks.” (Seriously, dude?)

Also William Dozier says, “Holy hypothesis!” with regards to Egghead’s deducing that Bruce is Batman in the recap at the top of “The Yegg Foes in Gotham.”

Gotham City’s finest. As soon as Egghead takes over, the GCPD follow his orders to the letter, including apparently agreeing to shoot Batman on sight if he reenters Gotham City, and also ignoring felonies and focusing on misdemeanors. This means that either they have no ability to think independently, are dogged followers of law and order, regardless of what that law might be, or they’re really enjoying the chance to get Batman the hell out of town for a while…

Special Guest Villain. While horror master Vincent Price continues the streak of famous actors coming in to play a new villain in season two, he breaks the streak in one important aspect: he’ll actually come back! Price will return as Egghead several times in the third season, alongside Olga Queen of the Cossacks, starting in “The Ogg and I.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Egghead insists that Miss Bacon call him “Egghead” in public rather than “Eggy-baby,” as she apparently calls him in private. Wah-HEY! Of course, she just switches to Eggy-pooh after that…

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“‘Kemosabe’? I thought I heard just about everything, but—”

“Yeah, Screaming, what’s that mean?”

“Me no know. Me hear it once on radio. Very old word.”

–Miss Bacon, Benedict, and Screaming Chicken taking the piss out of The Lone Ranger.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 25 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author, editor, designer, educator, and podcaster Dr. Arnold T. Blumberg.

For those of you not up on your outdated slang, “yegg” is a term for a thief or burglar that dates back to the early part of the 20th century, but has fallen out of use in the five decades since this episode aired.

Screaming Chicken is played by Edward Everett Horton. While best known for his narration of “Fractured Fairy Tales” on The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, this role in particular was a sendup of his just-as-offensive role as Roaring Chicken on F Troop.

The window cameo this time ’round is Bill Dana playing his character from The Steve Allen Show, José Jiménez. In addition, Ben Alexander, who played Sergeant Frank Smith on Dragnet, interviews a littering suspect by asking her for “Just the facts, ma’am,” which was Sergeant Joe Friday’s trademark query of witnesses on that show.

Byron Keith returns as Mayor Linseed, with the character finally named (after New York City’s Mayor John Lindsay) for the first time after brief cameos in “The Joker Trumps an Ace” and “The Bookworm Turns.” He’ll be back in “Hizzoner the Penguin” / “Dizzoner the Penguin.”

During the climactic fight scene in “The Yegg Foes in Gotham,” Vincent Price apparently played a prank on Burt Ward that made it on camera, as instead of smashing one egg on Robin’s head, Price went and smashed a dozen. The yolk and shell remain in Robin’s hair for the rest of the scene, and apparently it was all because Ward was being kind of a douche, so Price took egg-straordinary measures to egg-zact revenge.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “That’s the way the wigwam watusies.” While this episode isn’t nearly as egg-cellent as it could be, it does have its good points. For starters, there are all the in-jokes to various bits of pop culture, from José Jiménez to riffs on Dragnet, F Troop, The Last of the Mohicans, The Lone Ranger, and the song “Matilda.” There’s all the egg puns.

And, of course, there’s the egg-straordinary performance by Vincent Price. Really, what makes this episode is Price, as he is simply magnificent in the role. Price’s voice, his tone, his arrogance, his gleeful delivery of all the many (many!) egg puns, they all add up to a superlative villain.

Plus, he actually figures out that Bruce Wayne is Batman! And his deductions make sense! Batman would have to have serious financial resources and lots of spare time. I like the fact that he figures it out, rather than stumbling upon it, and only Dick’s quick thinking gets him out of having his secret revealed (I suspect that Bruce’s vaunted mental discipline wouldn’t have held out forever if the machine could really do what Egghead said it could do (though if he had such a thing, why didn’t he just sell it to the government or something? It probably would’ve netted him more than robbing the treasury did (of course, you could ask that about most of the gadgets in this show (some people have no sense of capitalism (what is it with me and the nested parentheticals in this one?)))).

Still, the episode has its share of head-scratchers. The whole egg-schequer thing, the “ghoti oeufs” thing, Batman’s mnemonics for remembering phone numbers involving women he’s dated, plus having Bruce Wayne sitting in a chair while Egghead sits in another chair is pretty low on the suspense-o-meter for a cliffhanger.

More problematic is Chief Screaming Chicken. There’s a fine line between satire and offensive stereotyping, and this episode just keeps dancing all over it. Mind you, there are some brilliant moments. The genuine American Indian blankets made in Japan bit is hilarious, and Batman’s story about Screaming Chicken’s time as a bottlewasher when someone told him to go back where he came from, and Robin sadly notes that this country is where he came from is a biting bit. But there’s the egg-scruciating thing where Screaming Chicken talks like a not-too-bright five-year-old. The fact that it was, at this point, pretty well entrenched in screen portrayals of Natives (especially in comedy) doesn’t make it any less horrible.

Still, it all comes back to Price’s awesomeness. His performance is egg-cellent, egg-straordinary, and egg-citing, and he’s the first of the let’s-get-a-famous-person-on-our-popular-show villains to actually go that egg-stra mile to stand out and be a worthy addition to the pantheon.

Egg-celsior!

Bat-rating: 7

Keith R.A. DeCandido plans to have an egg-cellent time as the Author Guest of Honor at Treklanta 2016 this weekend, alongside egg-stravagant actors Carel Struycken, Tracee Lee Cocco, Jack Stauffer, Java Green, and Lynn McArthur; egg-straordinary fans Bjo & John Trimble; and numerous other egg-citing authors, performers, and fan film folk. (Okay, okay, I’ll stop now…)

“The Devil’s Fingers” / “The Dead Ringers”
Written by Lorenzo Semple Jr.
Directed by Larry Peerce
Season 2, Episodes 15 and 16
Production code 9721
Original air dates: October 26 and 27, 1966

The Bat-signal: Aunt Harriet is rehearsing for the Annual Wayne Foundation Benefit, at which she’ll be singing. She’s accompanied by Chandell, the famous pianist, and they’ll be playing some Scottish tunes. Their rehearsal is interrupted by three women in tartan miniskirts who talk with comedy Scottish accents and play bagpipes. They’re able to render Chandell and Alfred unconscious and stun Harriet enough so that they can steal her earrings. They then raid Wayne Manor.

Harriet calls the police. She’s distraught, and wonders what Bruce and Dick will think when they come back—turns out Bruce is out hunting with the Millionaire’s Club, and Dick is on a school holiday.

Gordon has the GCPD switchboard put him through to the Bat-phone. A nervous Alfred heads to the library to reluctantly tell Gordon that Batman is taking one of his infrequent vacations. Gordon and O’Hara are devastated, as this means they’ll actually have to do their jobs!!!!!!!!

Gordon and O’Hara question Chandell, and assure him that they will protect his concert at Gotham Town Hall.

However, Chandell is actually the criminal responsible for the robbery at Wayne Manor, as we see him meeting with the three women who robbed Wayne Manor, Doe, Rae, and Mimi. That he was a victim puts him above reproach. But it turns out that Chandell isn’t a criminal willingly—he’s being blackmailed by his cigar-chomping twin brother Harry. During a performance at the White House—the one that put Chandell on the map—the pianist used a music roll to “play” the piano while he mimed it, as he’d hurt a finger before the gig. Chandell has a plan to buy off Harry and get himself out of his yoke.

At Gotham Town Hall, it’s pretty much a police state, with machine guns, barbed wire, and fingerprinting at the door. Gordon won’t let anything happen to Chandell’s concert, even if he has do mow down innocent civilians to do it!

Out in the forest, Bruce is listening to the concert on the radio, and he detects a wrong note—which is extremely unlikely from the fingers of the great Chandell. He calls Dick, interrupting a date with a girl, and they agree to meet at Wayne Manor.

While the concert is going on, the Burma Import Company is robbed by Doe, Rae, and Mimi, this time dressed in bellydancing outfits. At the same time, Chandell is playing a Burmese number—the same pattern as the Wayne Manor robbery.

Bruce and Dick return home to get a report from Alfred. (Harriet stayed behind to visit with Chandell. Dick gets a bit worried about his aunt’s virtue, but Bruce assures him that Harriet is a woman of strong character. The levels on which this exchange, which includes a mention of Chandell’s reputation as a ladies man, is hilariously absurd are legion.)

Doe, Rae, and Mimi, still doing the bellydance thing, show up at Wayne Manor, on Chandell’s instructions, but disappear just as quickly. The Dynamic Duo call Gordon to assure him that they’re back, which relieves Gordon no end, and Gordon tells Chandell, who’s less happy about it. But he puts on a brave face as he shares a root beer with Harriet.

Once Harriet leaves, Chandell rolls his eyes and then goes to call Harry to give him the bad news that Batman and Robin are back in town. He has a plan, though, and tells Harry to wake up his piano movers.

Batman and Robin arrive at Town Hall just as Harriet is getting into a cab. Chandell hits himself over the head with the root beer bottle just before the Dynamic Duo enter. (How he knows that our heroes will be coming along just at this moment remains unclear.) They wake Chandell with smelling salts, at which point the pianist gives his brother up, sending the heroes to an abandoned player-piano factory.

They leave him behind with his cranial trauma untreated and head to the factory, where they find Doe, Rae, and Mimi still doing their bellydance thing. Batman thinks they’re the victims of criminal hypnotism, but before they can try to interrogate them, Harry’s piano movers show up and fisticuffs ensue. The fight ends when Harry drops a music roll on their heads.

Harry puts them on the conveyor belt to the paper cutting machine, and they’re fed into it, to be cut to pieces as the machine re-creates the music that Harry plays over the PA system. Batman instructs Robin to start singing and matching him note for note. Then, in direct contrast, they both start randomly scatting, not remotely in tune or harmony, but their white-boy rap was louder than the PA system, so the machine made music from their voices, instead, and Batman claims to have picked notes that would punch holes around their bodies. (He totally didn’t, the notes are neither high nor low enough, but never mind.) Meanwhile, I’m wondering why they didn’t just roll off the conveyor belt when Harry left the room…

Doe, Rae, and Mimi manage to escape, but Batman and Robin do capture Harry and turn him over to the police. Unfortunately, O’Hara and Gordon’s attempt to interrogate him (in a room that has a subtle interrogation lamp, which we know because the switches for that lamp have a big sign over them that says “SUBTLE INTERROGATION LAMP”) is cut short by the arrival of his lawyer, Albert Slye. However, Harry does mention a criminal named “Fingers,” who is the true mastermind and who is after the Wayne fortune.

Batman guesses (accurately) that “Fingers” is really Chandell, and that his plan is to seduce Harriet, and then kill Bruce and Dick, so that when the Wayne fortune goes to her, he’ll be her husband, and have access to it.

The Dynamic Duo also recall Chandell’s White House performance (using only their perfect memory), and Robin realizes that his performance is a perfect match for that of Ignacy Jan Paderewski. The heroes deduce that Chandell faked his performance with a play piano using a music roll from Harry’s factory.

The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder arrive at Town Hall to find Chandell in full-on seduction mode with Harriet.

So, naturally, Batman decides to fake Bruce and Dick’s death. Chandell then plans to marry Harriet and he’ll have access to the Wayne fortune. However, Doe, Rae, and Mimi are worried he’ll go straight, so they render him unconscious with the bagpipe. Slye informs Harry that it’ll take upwards of eleven years for the will to be settled and for Harriet (and her prospective husband) to get their hands on Bruce’s money. Harry comes up with a new plan. He puts on one of Chandell’s outfits, and goes to console Harriet at Wayne Manor. He offers—not to propose marriage—but for them to perform a memorial concert together in Bruce and Dick’s honor.

However, Harriet isn’t as stupid as she—well, as she’s been in every single other episode of the show, and she knows that that wasn’t really Chandell. So she goes to the rehearsal Harry asked her to come to, and in mid-rehearse, she pulls a pistol on him. (Harry stands with his hands raised, at her request, and the piano keeps playing, as it’s a player-piano, since Chandell obviously got all the musical talent.)

Harry reveals Plan B: to hold Harriet hostage and get a ransom from the Wayne Foundation. This plan still works, as Doe shows up with the bagpipes, rendering Harriet unconscious. However, Batman and Robin rescue her (and Alfred, whom they also rendered unconscious), and fisticuffs ensue. They also rescue Slye and Chandell, whom Harry had placed on the conveyer belt to the cutting machine.

Later, Gordon presents Harriet with a brave citizen award for her bravery. Bruce and Dick are present as well, though their explanation of how they are still alive happens off camera. Meanwhile Chandell gets to perform in prison, complete with striped piano.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman and Robin spy on Harriet with the Wayne Manor TV Circuit (Closed). And the Bat-shield shows up at the very end to save the Dynamic Duo from being machine-gunned by Harry (with Batman folding it and then dropping at his side in the latest unconvincing mime of putting the oversized shield into an undersized utility belt).

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy impossibility!” Dick cries when informed that Chandell played a wrong note. “Holy apparition!” Dick utters when he sees Doe, Rae, and Mimi dancing outside Wayne Manor. “Holy relief!” Robin sighs when Harriet gets safely into a cab and away from Chandell. “Holy fratricide!” Robin screams when Chandell reveals his evil twin Skip— er, Harry. “Holy pianola!” and “Holy metronome!” are both things Robin says as they’re being fed into the piano roll machine. “Holy Caruso!” and “Holy perfect pitch!” are what Robin exclaims after they escape the deathtrap. “Holy fugitives,” Robin mutters when Batman says they’re letting the three molls go. “Holy greed,” Robin laments, wondering how anyone could go after the Wayne fortune. “Holy Bluebeard,” Robin yells when he realizes that “Fingers” is Chandell. “Holy Paderewski!” Robin on-the-noses when he realizes whom Chandell aped at the White House. “Holy heartbreak,” Robin grumbles when he thinks Chandell is going to propose to Harriet.

Also William Dozier says, “Holy sour note!” at the cliffhanger.

Gotham City’s finest. Faced with no help from Batman, Gordon turns Gotham City into a police state—at least until Batman returns to restore the GCPD to its proper function of traffic control (or whatever the hell it is they actually do).

Also when Slye arrives, O’Hara offers to toss the mouthpiece out, but Gordon cautions that in today’s political climate, that could land them in jail. Not that it was the right thing to do or anything, but “in today’s climate.” And then we remember that Miranda v. Arizona was only just passed the year this episode aired…

Special Guest Villain. Piano great Liberace is another famous person playing a role devised for the series, in this case in the dual role of Chandell and Harry. (In real life, Liberace was also one of a pair of twins, but his sibling was stillborn.)

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Dick has to cut his date short. He gets rid of her by “accidentally” spilling ice cream on her lap, forcing her to go clean up while he surreptitiously talks to Bruce.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“You know what this means, don’t you?”

“If you’re thinkin’ what I’m afraid you’re thinkin’…”

“Precisely, Chief O’Hara—the moment we’ve dreaded for years has arrived. This time—we’re going to have to solve a case ourselves!”

–Gordon and O’Hara’s worst nightmare come true.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 26 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, podcaster John Champion (Mission Log: A Roddenberry Star Trek Podcast, DVD Geeks, Bif! Bam! Pow! Wow!).

For the first time, the bad guy has three molls: the musically named Doe, Rae, and Mimi, who are played, respectively, by Marilyn Hanold, Edy Williams (famous B-movie and softcore actor who previously appeared as a hostess in “Hot Off the Griddle“), and Sivi Aberg (who will return as the Joker’s moll in the third season’s “Surf’s Up! Joker’s Under!”).

Liberace is reported to have been exceedingly gracious on the set, agreeing to play all-request mini-concerts for the cast and crew after each day of filming. He did, however, insist on only using his own piano.

This two-parter was the highest-rated pair of episodes of the show.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “The poor devil, he’s been assaulted with a root beer bottle!” An interesting episode that breaks with the usual formula, but does so in a manner that is delightful and enjoyable, particularly since its primary source of joy comes from two of the unlikeliest of sources.

The first is Madge Blake, whose main purpose has been to be a Fredric Wertham-mandated beard for Bruce and Dick living under the same roof, who for once gets the chance to shine. Mind you, it takes a while, as she’s mostly her usual bland self, but then she has to grieve for Bruce and Dick and then is consoled by Harry pretending to be Chandell, at which point she turns into a badass, seeing through his ruse (despite never having cottoned to who Bruce and Dick really are all these years), and pulling a gun on him. It’s a crowning moment of awesome for the character—hell, it’s the only moment of awesome for the character, who has otherwise been the single most useless character in the history of television. Kudos to Madge Blake for making the best of a rare opportunity to actually do something.

The other is the guest villain, who as an actor, makes a great pianist, yet he’s called upon to play, in essence, three roles: Chandell (who’s pretty close to the actor’s own public persona), Harry (whom he plays as a third-rate Edward G. Robinson), and Harry pretending to be Chandell (which is the only time he really successfully acts). Still, Liberace is so obviously having fun with the role that it’s impossible not to enjoy his performance, even though he isn’t really very good at it.

On top of that, we’ve got three molls instead of three henchmen—though we get the latter, too, but they’re barely in evidence. It’s Doe, Rae, and Mimi who are the real assistants to Chandell and Harry, and they do superlatively in another break from the usual.

So much of Batman depends on the idiot plot—to wit, it only works if the people in it are dumb as posts—that it’s hard to get too worked up over it here, but seriously, how dumb are these people? Bruce and Dick going on vacation at the exact same time that Batman and Robin are on vacation, and then all “four” of them coming back at the exact same time also and nobody friggin’ notices???????

Then again, Batman doesn’t cover himself in glory in this one, either. He assures Dick that Harriet would never be seduced by Chandell, only for Harriet to be totally seduced by Chandell. He also insists that Doe, Rae, and Mimi have been criminally hypnotized and are poor deluded females, but in fact they’re total criminals and completely in it for the crime (and the money).

Bat-rating: 8

Keith R.A. DeCandido is pleased to announce that his X-Files short story “Back in El Paso My Life Will Be Worthless” (in the anthology Trust No One, edited by Jonathan Maberry) was nominated for a Scribe Award by the International Association of Media Tie-in Writers. Here’s the full list of nominees. The winners will be announced at Comic-Con International in San Diego in July.

“Hizzoner the Penguin” / “Dizzoner the Penguin”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 17 and 18
Production code 9719
Original air dates: November 2 and 3, 1966

The Bat-signal: The Penguin foils a robbery of a blind news vendor, right in front of a cop. (Said cop was way more concerned with Penguin than the poor blind dude.) He then saved a baby and donated money to the Gotham City Charity Fund. A very confused Gordon and O’Hara immediately go to the red phone…

The Bat-phone’s call interrupts Dick’s rehearsing for the school play—he’s doing the title role in Macbeth—and said interruption proves a boon to Shakespeare lovers everywhere, as Dick is an even less convincing Macbeth than he was a thug back in “He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul.” They slide down the Bat-poles and head to GCPD HQ.

While riding the elevator up to Gordon’s office, they discuss the rumors they’ve heard that Penguin is running for mayor. Batman reveals that the Gotham City Charter (the same one Egghead recently stole) allows convicted felons to run for mayor.

Mayor Linseed is in Gordon’s office, and he’s not sanguine about his reelection chances. According to a Gallus poll, Penguin’s at 60%, with Linseed only at 30%. Seven percent are undecided, and 2% are for Harry Goldwinner, a monarchist candidate. (The three Gallus representatives don’t account for the remaining 1%.)

Linseed feels he has no chance, but he has a notion on how to defeat the Penguin: Batman runs against him. Reluctantly, Batman accepts. This immediately results in a bump in the polls—Batman is at 55%, with Penguin down to 35%. (The undecideds and the monarchists are holding steady.) Penguin gives a speech before a crowded campaign HQ insisting he’ll only do slogans and flash, no issues (they confuse the average voter)! Meanwhile, Batman and Robin strategize in an empty campaign HQ, putting together modest posters, with Batman insisting that he will focus only on the issues, and avoid flash. He also gets a very large campaign contribution from Aunt Harriet.

Two couples with babies show up for a Batman rally. However, Batman refuses to kiss the babies, as it’s a bit of an unsanitary habit. The parents express their outrage, as they suspect any politician who won’t kiss a baby. Penguin shows up and kisses the babies—with his cigarette still in his mouth, thus doubling down on the unsanitary nature of the action—which costs Batman four voters, who now think he hates children. Privately, Penguin confesses to the Dynamic Duo that he should have gotten into politics years ago, as all the things he loves to do as a criminal are completely okay for a politician.

The rally itself is rather poorly attended—only five people in the audience. On the podium with Batman are Robin, Gordon, Linseed, and a barely awake O’Hara. Meanwhile, Penguin’s rally has a bellydancer, champagne for everyone, and Paul Revere & the Raiders.

Batman is scheduled to speak before the Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks. (By a startling coinky-dink, several of Penguin’s campaign workers are wearing shirts labelled “G.O.O.N.”) He shows up, and the goons (surrounded by “Vote Pengy!” posters) immediately attack with umbrellas. Fisticuffs ensue, but Batman capitulates when Robin is captured. They’re placed in one side of a scale that’s hovering over sulfuric acid (conveniently labelled with the words “SULPHURIC ACID”). In the other side of the scale is a pile of ice, which is melting.

Penguin shows up and expresses outrage that the goons would endanger a candidate. He intends to call the police, but dagnabbit, he’s out of dimes! So he walks very slowly out the door intending to go to police HQ directly. He should be back in a few hours…

However, Batman and Robin’s costumes are acid-proof (something either Robin forgot or was never told), so Batman—covering his face with his cape—simply rolls over and into the acid, thus saving Robin from going into the vat. He emerges unscathed and frees Robin.

Batman and Penguin have a televised debate. Penguin raises the completely legitimate point that Batman wears a mask and nobody knows who he is. Every newspaper picture of Batman shows him with criminals, while all of Penguin’s are with police. Penguin associates with the law, while Batman rubs elbows with the worst elements of the city. Penguin believes that Batman is a criminal under the mask.

Penguin’s goons overlay Penguin’s campaign song over Batman’s (very dull) rebuttal. Then the debate is interrupted by a robbery at the convention center where a jeweler’s convention is being held. Both the Dynamic Duo and Penguin head off to save the day (leaving a befuddled debate moderator behind). The trio fight the goons, though Penguin is play-acting for the cameras. The TV news is reporting on the fight as it happens, with one reporter trying to interview both candidates mid-fisticuffs.

Penguin actually “takes out” most of the goons, thus improving his poll ratings to 65%. Penguin calls Batman’s campaign HQ and taunts Gordon, saying he’ll appoint Riddler police commissioner and Joker the chief of police. However, the actual voting turns out to be very close. The Gallus guys are devastated, as they feel no one will trust their polling data ever again after this, though they console themselves with the notion that they could go into television ratings…

Penguin, seeing his margin for victory close, goes off for one last dirty trick: he kidnaps the Board of Elections, who have to count the vote for it to be legitimate. Penguin instructs Batman to convene the City Council to declare him mayor, or the board will be toast. But Batman assumes he’s at the headquarters of the Grand Order of Occidental Nighthawks, and sure enough he finds them there, and fisticuffs ensue, with Penguin and the goons shoved through the Campaign Literature Packager, which puts them all in big boxes ready to go off to jail.

Only after the fight does Robin reveal that Penguin kidnapped the board too late—they’d already counted the votes, and Batman won. However, Batman immediately resigns, which puts his deputy mayor—Linseed—in charge. Batman then gets calls from both political parties, asking him to run for president in 1968…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman uses the Bat-tracer to try to trace Penguin’s call, but he doesn’t stay on the wire long enough. He also has a bat-mirror that he uses to check on his debate makeup after Alfred applies it.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When he learns that convicted felons can run for mayor in Gotham, Robin mutters, “Holy disaster area.” When Harriet hands Batman a large campaign contribution, Robin goes goggle-eyed and cries, “Holy bank balance!” When Batman tells him that their costumes are acid-proof, he grumbles, “Holy coffin nails.” When Penguin kidnaps the Board of Elections, Robin complains, “Holy pot luck.” When Batman is asked to run for president, Robin cries, “Holy bulging ballot boxes!”

Finally, as part of the cliffhanger voiceover, William Dozier utters, “Holy batgraves!”

Gotham City’s finest. Several plainclothes cops and the elevator operator at GCPD HQ are Penguin supporters, and whoever issues firearms to uniforms also is, as at least one cop’s gun doesn’t fire bullets, but instead kicks out a flag that supports Penguin’s mayoral run.

Special Guest Villain. In terms of airing order, this is Burgess Meredith’s first second-season appearance as the Penguin. However, the first two episodes actually filmed for season two were “The Penguin’s Nest” / “The Bird’s Last Jest,” which is still five stories away from now in terms of air dates. Given the subject matter, however, it’s not really surprising that they placed this episode during Election Week…

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Front and center at Penguin’s campaign headquarters are three nubile young women, who say they wish they were old enough to vote. Yeeeeeeah.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I’m convinced the American electorate is too mature to be taken in by cheap vaudeville trickery. After all, if our national leaders were elected on the basis of tricky slogans, brass bands, and pretty girls, our country would be in a terrible mess, wouldn’t it?”

–Batman, showing his ignorance of U.S. electoral history.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 27 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, writer/editor Glenn Greenberg.

The plot for this episode had to have at least partly inspired one of the storylines in the Tim Burton-directed 1992 movie Batman Returns, in which the Penguin (played by Danny DeVito) runs for mayor, although Michael Keaton’s Batman doesn’t run against him…

The Gallus poll is a play on the Gallup polls that are still used today, and Walter Klondike, Chet Chumley, and David Dooley are plays on popular newscasters of the era, Walter Cronkite, Chet Huntley, and David Brinkley.

That really was Paul Revere & the Raiders providing the music at Penguin’s rally, along with bellydancer Lorraine Shalhoub, who legally changed her name to “Little Egypt,” a name also used by several bellydancers at the turn of the 20th century.

Given how contentious the 1968 presidential election wound up being, having both parties contact Batman to run for their party was amusing, more so given that the second call—to which Batman responded, “Don’t you already have a candidate?”—had to be from the Democratic party. President Lyndon Baines Johnson originally intended to run for reelection in 1968, but he withdrew from the race in March 1968 after the New Hampshire primary.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “It’s a pleasure to hear plain, honest talk from a candidate instead of the usual political mumbo-jumbo.” Batman has toyed with political satire twice before, once at the end of “Batman Sets the Pace” when they poked fun at the 1966 California gubernatorial election, and again in the movie with the digs at world politics and military bureaucracy. But this is the first time they’ve embraced it so wholeheartedly, and it’s an absolute delight, quite possibly the show’s finest hour, though I freely admit that I’m slightly biased toward it because (a) I’m an election junkie, and (b) I’m rewatching it the same week that Donald Trump (who is pretty close to a real-life super-villain) became the last man standing in the Republican primary race.

Penguin’s mayoral campaign is a delight, as it’s an expected triumph of style over substance, aided by Batman’s substance being so incredibly boring. Even his biggest fans—Linseed, O’Hara, Gordon—are put to sleep by his rally (to all of five people). In particular, Penguin’s vague declarations of clichés and bromides, followed by constituents grateful for his alleged straight talk has been a hallmark of bullshit campaigns for centuries. (It’s certainly not a new phenomenon, as even a cursory study of nineteenth century political campaigns will reveal. If anything, “dirty” campaigning got cleaned up in the latter part of the 20th century…) And the news coverage of the fisticuffs in the convention center, down to on-the-floor interviews, was just classic.

With all that, though, Penguin raises at least one good point: Batman hides behind a mask. They don’t know who he is. Leaving aside the fact that it should probably keep him from even being on the ballot (seriously, you kinda have to reveal your real name in order to run for something), it’s a legitimate point, one that Batman doesn’t get the chance to rebut thanks to the heist at the convention center.

And still with all that, the moral of the story is (more or less) in the right place. Batman’s appeals to trust votes over poll results and issues over flash are worthwhile ones.

Bat-rating: 10

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s Stargate SG-1 novel Kali’s Wrath is now available for preorder on Amazon and Amazon UK. The eBook will go on sale on 19 May and the print book will be available in June. In addition, check out Keith’s seasonal Stargate Rewatch right here on Tor.com.

“Green Ice” / “Deep Freeze”
Written by Max Hodge
Directed by george waGGner
Season 2, Episodes 19 and 20
Production code 9725
Original air dates: November 9 and 10, 1966

The Bat-signal: In the height of a hot summer day, Gotham City is hosting the Miss Galaxy beauty pageant. The five finalists are Miss Corsica, Miss Canary Islands, Miss Barrier Reef, Miss Gotham City, and Miss Iceland. Mr. Freeze shows up and kidnaps Miss Iceland.

As soon as Gordon learns of this, he goes to call Batman. But Mr. Freeze shows up in the air conditioning vent and immediately freezes the entire office, including Gordon and O’Hara. Gordon barely manages to get off the words, “help… Ba…” into the Bat-phone before succumbing to the cold.

The Dynamic Duo race to GCPD HQ to discover that Gordon’s office is frozen. They blow the doors open with plastic explosives to find the office covered in snow and slush and Gordon and O’Hara suffering from severe hypothermia.

Batman holds a press conference in Gordon’s office, which has been cleaned up in an unconvincingly speedy manner, but won’t give specifics as to what happened. However, reporter Nellie Majors is already ahead of him, as she figures it connects to Miss Iceland’s kidnapping (which Batman and Robin didn’t even know about, as Gordon was too busy freezing to death to fill him in) and Mr. Freeze’s recent escape from prison. Batman refuses to comment, though.

Mr. Freeze has been watching from across the street, even as he leers over a bound and gagged Miss Iceland, he has a block of green ice addressed to Batman (for Incidental Crime Expenses, which it takes Robin several seconds to figure out stands for “ICE”), but it turns out to be a case filled with cash. Majors assumes that it’s a bribe.

Batman gives the money to Gordon for the Policeman’s Welfare Fund, and he doesn’t concern himself with Majors’s accusations, as he knows how difficult it is for reporters to make interesting reading out of plain, ordinary, everyday people like him and Robin. Yup.

Mr. Freeze has converted an abandoned cold storage unit into his headquarters. He’s thrilled to see that his “green ice” trick has resulted in a press backlash. He’s keeping Miss Iceland in a cell that is designed to lower her body temperature to the same as his, so she’ll fall in love with him. Miss Iceland herself is less sanguine about this plan, and she’s also pissed that Batman’s bad press is getting more ink than her kidnapping.

Their attempt to figure out Mr. Freeze’s next move is interrupted by Alfred, who reminds them of the poolside reception being held for the Wayne Foundation. Aunt Harriet has been working all week to set it up, and so they change from their costumes to their tuxedoes and head upstairs.

But Mr. Freeze was actually the caterer for the event, and so he’s able to show up and rob the attendees of the party. He gets them to all stand in the wading pool, and then he freezes the water, trapping them all. Then two of Freeze’s thugs show up dressed as Batman and Robin. Fisticuffs ensue, after a fashion, as Freeze’s thugs take a fall, getting their butts whupped by Freeze’s non-disguised thugs. “Batman” and “Robin” run away, to the disgust of the attendees—and the confusion of Bruce and Dick, for obvious reasons.

Alfred shows up and saves the day by turning on the pool heater. The Dynamic Duo head to the Batcave to try to determine where Mr. Freeze’s hideout might be. At the Frosty Freezies ice cream factory, they encounter Mr. Freeze and his thugs, and fisticuffs ensue.

Batman and Robin win the fight, but then Mr. Freeze hits them with his freeze gun. He places them into two large cones, which will turn them into Frosty Freezies. However, they manage to kick one of the nozzles in the cone out of place, which messes with the heat elements and allows them to escape. I think. It wasn’t very clear, and it mostly happened off camera. Whatever.

They return to the Batcave to find the latest headline is a picture of Batman wearing Gordon’s stolen watch. The actual article says that the picture comes from an anonymous source, and may be fake, though Batman admits that most people will just read the headline and look at the picture. Given this bad publicity, and given that Mr. Freeze thinks they’re dead, they decide to temporarily hang up their cowls to lull the villain into a false sense of security.

Public opinion is definitely turning against the Dynamic Duo. The press is ridiculing Gordon and Batman during a press conference in the former’s office, while a little kid boos a picture of Batman and Robin on the streets of Gotham—Bruce and Dick witness that event, and it devastates them.

Mr. Freeze plans to blackmail the city: he’ll freeze the city completely unless they give him a billion dollars. He even goes so far as to provide an artist’s rendering of the city covered in ice. Gordon and O’Hara meet with Mayor Linseed and Bruce and Dick. (Why Bruce and Dick are in this meeting is left unclear.) To prove he means what he says, Mr. Freeze has frozen the reservoir, so no one can get water from their faucets.

The citizenry of Gotham is frightened, especially since the city can’t raise that amount of money that fast. Given the immediacy of the threat, Batman and Robin come out of their brief retirement to check out the cold storage unit they didn’t get to check out last time. They bat-climb to the roof and twist the TV antenna. When Mr. Freeze sends a thug to check the antenna, it gives them access to the staircase, and they go down to confront Mr. Freeze—who has frozen Miss Iceland in a block of ice.

Fisticuffs ensue, but Mr. Freeze manages to trap them in the cell he’d had Miss Iceland in. Mr. Freeze then calls Gordon to reassure him that he isn’t bluffing—and only then do Batman and Robin escape the cell using the plastic explosives in Robin’s belt. Why they waited is left as an exercise for the viewer.

Batman and Robin are victorious, though Mr. Freeze’s collar is damaged—so they free Miss Iceland and put the villain in the ice block until the police can arrive. Afterward, Batman asks Warden Crichton to make sure that Mr. Freeze’s cell is kept cold, takes Robin to the Miss Galaxy contest (which was delayed until Miss Iceland could be rescued), and encounters the little kid who booed him earlier. The kid is now back on #TeamBatman, and Batman holds his hand and takes an elevator ride with him and Robin, which isn’t at all creepy.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! They get Gordon’s door open via plastic explosive, which Robin keeps in his utility belt. (Yes, Batman leaves military grade explosives in the hands of a minor. What could possibly go wrong?) They use the Crime Analyzer (which Batman calls the Bat Analyzer, a rare case of the verbal description not matching the sign) to figure out what Mr. Freeze’s future crimes are likely to be, and also where his hideout is. The Dynamic Duo are slathered in anti-freeze before confronting Mr. Freeze.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy polar front!” is Robin’s utterance when confronted with Gordon’s frozen office. “Holy hijack!” is what he cries when he learns that Miss Iceland was kidnapped. “Holy tuxedo!” is what he grumbles when he’s reminded about the Wayne Foundation reception. “Holy shamrocks,” is what Dick mutters when he sees the green motif at the reception. “Holy distortion!” is what Robin snarls when they read the newspaper article showing Batman wearing Gordon’s stolen watch. “Holy chicken coop!” is what he cries when Mr. Freeze traps them in his cell.

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon is Batman’s staunchest defender throughout the bad publicity, but by the middle of “Deep Freeze,” even he has lost faith, and doesn’t use the Bat-phone when he should. At the end of the episode, he expresses his regret in losing faith right at the camera.

Special Guest Villain. Filmmaker Otto Preminger is another celebrity who wished to be on Batman, but this time they put him in the existing role of Mr. Freeze, replacing George Sanders, who appeared in the first season’s “Instant Freeze” / “Rats Like Cheese.” Preminger was reportedly rude and unpleasant and difficult to work with on the set, and when Mr. Freeze returns at the end of this season in “Ice Spy” / “The Duo Defy,” he’ll be played by a third actor, Eli Wallach.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Mr. Freeze seems to think that giving Miss Iceland the same affliction as him—being unable to survive in any temperature save for 50 below zero—will make her fall in love with him. Miss Iceland herself is someone more dubious at the efficacy of this plan.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Wild!”

–Mr. Freeze throughout the entire story.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 28 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Dan Greenfield, co-creator and editor of 13thDimension.com.

Alan Napier previously worked with Otto Preminger on the film Forever Amber, which also starred George Sanders, the previous Mr. Freeze. Napier did not enjoy the experience, but, good professional that he is, held his tongue during the filming of this two-parter. However, everyone got to form their own (generally negative) opinion about Preminger all on their own.

Burt Ward was injured at some point, as the pressure bandage he’s wearing on his right arm can be seen in a few shots, and director george waGGner blocked several scenes so that Ward’s right arm was obscured. In addition, at no point during this two-parter does Ward do Robin’s signature punching of his own palm.

The fake Batman and Robin appear to be played by Adam West and Burt Ward’s stunt doubles, Hubie Kerns and Victor Paul, who must have relished the chance to get dialogue for once (though they remained uncredited).

At eighteen letters, this is the shortest title for a two-parter the show has had up until this point. It will be unseated from this spot by the next Mr. Freeze two-parter, which only has sixteen letters.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Wild!” The makings of a good storyline are here, especially since—just like “Hizzoner the Penguin” / “Dizzoner the Penguin” last time—the script indulges in some fine social satire. I love the His Girl Friday riff in the press conference scenes in Gordon’s office, with the delightful Marie Windsor as Nellie Majors doing her best Rosalind-Russell-as-Hildy-Johnson. (There’s a character I wish we’d seen more of.)

Unfortunately, it never quite comes together. There’s way too much talking about Batman’s negative publicity and not enough showing it, beyond one doofy looking kid saying “Boooo!” to a poster, plus derisive laughter from the fourth estate during the second press conference. The deathtrap cliffhanger is so tacked-on that the script even cops to it, having Mr. Freeze express regret that he put the Dynamic Duo into the deathtrap because it meant he couldn’t ruin their reputations more, which was his whole plan. The Miss Iceland kidnapping also feels tacked-on, and very repetitive, as we’re subjected to endless numbers of scenes of Mr. Freeze leering over Miss Iceland and the latter sneering back at him, assuring him that she’ll never fall in love with him. You could remove the entire Miss Iceland part of the plot and not change a thing, which shows it up as the filler it is—well, that, and a desire to provide as many shots of Dee Hartford in a bathing suit as they can get away with…

But the biggest problem is Mr. Freeze himself. Otto Preminger is very one-note, stroking his fake eyebrows and shouting “Wild!” constantly for no compellingly good reason. George Sanders before him and Eli Wallach after him brought a lot more verve to the role.

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s Stargate SG-1 novel Kali’s Wrath is now available for preorder on Amazon and Amazon UK. The eBook will go on sale on 19 May and the print book will be available in June. In addition, check out Keith’s seasonal Stargate Rewatch right here on Tor.com.

“The Impractical Joker” / “The Joker’s Provokers”
Written by Jay Thompson and Charles Hoffman
Directed by James B. Clark
Season 2, Episodes 21 and 22
Production code 9723
Original air dates: November 16 and 17, 1966

The Bat-signal: We open with the Joker in the Keyborn Bookstore taking a book called The Keys to the Kingdom and tearing it up, then going to the Keynote Music Shop and smashing the record You’re the Key to My Heart. Then he sets fire to the Gotham City Key Club’s confidential membership list and messes with the sign on the Keystone Building.

At Wayne Manor, Bruce is helping Dick with a geography paper, about the Rock of Gibraltar and how it’s the key to the Mediterranean, and how that should be the keynote of his paper.

Gee, I wonder what the theme of this episode is going to be…

Gordon is willing to have the GCPD handle all this when it’s destroying books and records and files, but once O’Hara reports the vandalism to a building, then he decides that it’s time to call in Batman. (Just go with it.)

As the Dynamic Duo arrive, a new prank is discovered: they’re changing all the locks in GCPD HQ, and in amidst the shipment of new keys is one in the shape of a human skeleton: an actual skeleton key. And it comes with a note: “Latched or mastered, skeletoned or passed, spot the Scot before you’re outclassed.” As it turns out, Angus Ferguson is in Gotham with an exhibit of his collection of keys, and it’s pretty obvious that that’s the Joker’s target, particularly the priceless Key of Kaincardine, which has been handed down from generation to generation in Ferguson’s family.

Elsewhere, Joker has just cut a key that can open a box he has created, which he says is the key to victory over Batman and Robin, to the confusion of his two henchmen and his moll Cornelia.

Batman and Robin show up at the exhibit and browse a bit. When they check out the Key of Kaincardine, Joker also appears, opens his box—which seems to hypnotize the Dynamic Duo and leave them frozen in place—and then makes off with the key. Our heroes come to, dazed, to discover both Joker and the key to be gone.

Ferguson and his comedy Scottish accent are livid. He intends to sue the city for $8,000,523 and a three-penny bit. He also calls Batman and Robin “muttonheads.” Batman can’t bring himself to argue with that particular assessment, as he has no idea how Joker immobilized them.

That evening, Bruce and Dick watch the news, then switch over to The Green Hornet. (Subtle, Dozier, very subtle…) But the adventures of the Hornet and Kato are interrupted by the Joker, who barges in on the TV signal to taunt Batman for being foiled, failed, and frustrated, and to give him a hint as to his next caper: “don’t give a hoot for the hobnailed, but look for a bow and bobtails.” Bruce and Wayne forego the adventurous stylings of Van Williams and Bruce Lee to head to the Batcave.

Focusing on the second half of the clue (since he opened the first half with “don’t give a hoot”), they deduce that a bow refers to the loop in a key, and that the “bobtails” refer to a bobtailed lynx of a type used at Franchin’s Fancy Furs. The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder arrive to find Joker and Cornelia raiding the furs therein. Fisticuffs ensue, but Joker and Cornelia get away, though Joker’s little black box is smashed.

They return to the Batcave, where the Bat-computer spits out various things that the word “key” is used in. Alfred suggests that Joker may be using a false name that employs the same key-related wordplay as everything else in this caper, and Batman immediately lets his fingers do the walking (wonders who reading this is old enough to get that reference) and has the Bat-computer scan the phone book for key references. They settle on Clavier Ankh, and head to his address.

But the Joker was counting on that, as he’s ready for them. They enter Ankh’s apartment (through the window after a bat-climb, of course), and find Cornelia, who leads them to a trap door that drops our heroes to the basement. Batman is placed in a human key duplicator that will grind him into a giant key, while Robin is placed in a wax spray cleaner that will cover the Boy Wonder in wax.

The Joker leaves to take care of other business, and while the henchmen are busy gabbing at each other (talking about how the Joker killed their parole officer, kidnapped the jury in their trial, and also threatened the family of the judge—all much nastier things than this iteration of the Joker generally does on camera…), Batman takes a spare house key out of his utility belt and uses it to gum up the works of the human key duplicator, freeing him. Fisticuffs ensue, and Batman takes the henchmen out, and frees Robin. He brings the wax-covered Robin to the Batcave and sprays the Boy Wonder with wax solvent—luckily, his underwater diving lessons allowed him to hold his breath.

Joker is philosophical about Batman and Robin surviving his deathtrap, especially since he has apparently been able to create a time machine. (Just go with it.) He plans to stop time unless the city gives him ten million dollars. He plays with the box, making things move faster and slower or stopping time. Gordon calls Batman, and they’re all remarkably casual about Joker having made the greatest breakthrough in scientific history. Joker sent a note to Batman via Gordon in the shape of a key. It reads: “Thanks to the work of a single sphere, you saw what happened to time right here! Now regard with care my final o-ho… I’ve a gargoyles key and away I go-go!”

Batman and Robin seem to think that “o-ho” symbolizes H₂0, or water. (Never mind that water is two H’s and one O.) That leads them somehow to the conclusion that the Joker wishes to poison the water supply—especially since a night watchman at the reservoir spotted someone “resembling” the Joker there two nights ago. (“Resembling”? He’s got white skin and green hair, who else would it be????? And why wasn’t this investigated two nights ago???????????????)

Alfred’s cousin Egbert is night watchman in question, and so, at the butler’s own urging, Alfred replaces his cousin on his shift while Batman and Robin stake the place out. Sure enough, Joker, Cornelia, and the henchmen show up to poison the reservoir. Alfred has fallen asleep at Egbert’s post. He’s awakened by the Joker’s entrance, and discovers that the Joker bribed Egbert last time (with a mere five bucks). Joker pours Alfred a glass of nice fresh water (from a sink that has a sign over it that says “GOTHAM CITY NICE FRESH WATER”) and puts a couple of his poison pills in it.

Alfred insists that the others also have some water, which Joker refuses—so Alfred pulls Egbert’s gun on them. He also gets Joker to hand over his little black box, and he uses it to freeze all four of them in time. After summoning Batman and Robin, he makes the mistake of removing the key from the box, which unfreezes the bad guys. They threaten Alfred, but our heroes show up in time to save the butler. Fisticuffs ensue, and Batman and Robin are triumphant again.

Harriet runs out of gas near the reservoir, and goes to the night watchman for help—and recognizes him as Alfred. However, he continues to act as Egbert, convincing Harriet. Then Batman and Robin show up to give Alfred a midnight snack, and offer to giver Harriet some of the spare gas in the Batmobile. And so all’s right with the world.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-capsule dispensary includes counter-hypnosis bat-pellets, which our heroes take to counteract the Joker’s little box. The Bat-computer input is big enough to fit a phone book, which Batman unceremoniously tosses into it; the computer then instantly scans the whole thing, which means Batman has OCR tech in 1966 that’s even better than what we have today…

Alfred also gets into the act, with his Alf-cycle and his two-way Alf-radio.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When shown the Joker’s literal skeleton key, Robin mutters, “Holy vertebra.” “Holy key ring” is Robin’s utterance upon learning of Ferguson’s collection. When he first sees the Key of Kaincardine, he whispers, “Holy keyhole.” Upon being informed of Joker’s past as a hypnotist, Robin grumbles, “Holy mesmerism.” “Holy pseudonym!” is Robin’s cry when Alfred suggests a nom du plume for the Joker. After “deducing” that “o-ho” symbolizes water, Robin cries, “Holy hydraulics!” and adds “Holy floodgate!” when they realize that Joker will poison the water supply.

Gotham City’s finest. When Batman suggests that Joker is after Ferguson’s key collection, Gordon totally tries to say that he thought of that, too, even though he so totally didn’t.

Special Guest Villain. Cesar Romero makes his first second-season appearance as the Joker, having last been seen in the feature film. He’ll be back in the show’s first three-parter, teaming up with Burgess Meredith’s Penguin in “The Zodiac Crimes”/”The Joker’s Hard Times”/”The Penguin Declines.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Cornelia explains to the Joker that she’s a woman and not old like him, so of course she spends all her time staring at herself in the mirror…

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Oh, I know diamonds are supposed to be a girl’s best friend, but I could get real chummy with some mink or ermine. Ooh! I’ll take three or four of these, and a couple of gorillas.”

“I think you mean chinchilla, Cornelia. One of the rarest and most costly of furs.”

“Oh, well that’s exactly what I mean.”

–Cornelia fur shopping and Joker correcting her.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 29 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Gary Mitchel of the The Revcast and Dragon Con’s American Sci-Fi Classics track.

The window cameo is Howard Duff, in character as Detective Sam Stone of The Felony Squad, who says he’s in Gotham following a lead. And he looks back inside to tell “Jim” that Batman and Robin are brave men, referring to Stone’s partner, Detective Jim Briggs, who was played by Dennis Cole. Duff will return in the third season’s “The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra” as Cabala, one of the villains, alongside real-life wife Ida Lupino in the title role.

Kathy Kersh plays Cornelia. She and Burt Ward hit it off almost immediately, and Ward got a quickie divorce from his first wife and married Kersh the following February. Their marriage only lasted a couple of years.

For the first time, Part 2 opens, not with scenes from Part 1, but instead with William Dozier saying, “When last we left our heroes…” and summing up the cliffhanger only before rolling the credits.

Alan Napier plays a dual role in this one, playing Alfred’s cousin Egbert with a working-class accent.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “There should be more fine, upstanding men like the Joker.” The Joker invented a friggin’ time machine!

I mean, yeah, okay, other stuff, but the Joker invented a friggin’ time machine! Why is everyone so casual about this? And why is the Joker’s endgame to hold up the city for money when he could patent and sell the time machine technology for probably a lot more than ten million bucks?

I know, I know, it’s the logic of superhero stories, particularly Silver Age ones, but it’s one thing to suspend your disbelief regarding, say, the thing that sucks all the water out of you from the movie, but we’re talking a friggin’ time machine!

Sigh.

The rest of the two-parter kind of wanders around a lot. “The Impractical Joker” runs the key theme into the ground, but “The Joker’s Provokers” doesn’t do as much with it, preferring to let Alan Napier stretch his acting muscles a bit and let the producers show off the “reverse” function on their cameras while Joker plays with his friggin’ time machine!!!!!!!! Plus, since when is the Joker the one who provides wordplay related clues? It’s almost like this started out life as a Riddler script, but the contract dispute with Frank Gorshin that kept him away this entire season led to them rewriting it for the Joker.

Kathy Kersh looks really good in a purple bodysuit, which is pretty much all she has going for her—I suspect she and Burt Ward bonded over their mutual shortcomings as actors. Cesar Romero’s always fun to watch cavort. And it’s fantastic to watch Alan Napier as Egbert and as Alfred paying Egbert, and it’s especially awesome to see Alfred actually beat the Joker and his goons. But ultimately, this is a scattershot mess of an episode that stretches suspension of disbelief way past its breaking point.

Bat-rating: 3

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s Stargate SG-1 novel Kali’s Wrath is now on sale as an eBook from Amazon, Amazon UK, Crossroad Press, and Smashwords. The print book will be available in June. In addition, check out Keith’s seasonal Stargate Rewatch right here on Tor.com.

“Marsha, Queen of Diamonds” / “Marsha’s Scheme of Diamonds”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by James B. Clark
Season 2, Episodes 23 and 24
Production code 9727
Original air dates: November 23 and 24, 1966

The Bat-signal: The police are on alert at U Magnum Diamonds because Marsha, Queen of Diamonds, is back in town—she’s been after the Pretzel Diamond, which U Magnum has on display, for years. O’Hara himself shows up to make sure all is well—and then escorts Marsha inside to take the diamond! O’Hara is completely devoted to her, fawning all over her and threatening the staff at U Magnum with arrest if they don’t give Marsha the Pretzel Diamond.

Apprehensive about his subordinate’s going rogue, Gordon immediately calls Batman, who is in the Batcave doing maintenance on the Bat-diamond and the machine that channels the power to the Bat-computer through that massive, perfect gem. They head off in the Batmobile to GCPD HQ—but Gordon isn’t there! On Marsha’s orders, O’Hara has called the commissioner to Marsha’s hideout.

O’Hara isn’t the only man whom Marsha has seduced, either—she has at least half a dozen men in cages, all of whom are begging for a chance to just be near Marsha. She promises to visit them at least once a week, and then retires to her Arabian Nights-ish boudoir, where her Grand Mogul reports that the Bat-diamond is over 10,000 carats in size and is in the Batcave. Marsha is determined to not only find out where the Batcave is, but get inside it.

Gordon shows up to rescue O’Hara with absolutely no backup, because he’s a doofus. Marsha hits him with a love dart from the Cupid statue she keeps in her boudoir, and Gordon becomes her latest devoted slave. He calls his own office, and Batman answers, with the Caped Crusader figuring out that he, too, has been caught in Marsha’s seductive web. But they have no choice to walk into her trap.

Marsha heads down to the basement to her aunt, Hilda, who acts like a witch straight out of Macbeth, but who is in truth a disgraced chemistry professor, who was fired from Vassar for turning the students orange. Marsha needs a love potion even stronger than the one on her love darts for use on Batman.

The Dynamic Duo arrive at Marsha’s hideout. Marsha hits Batman with a love dart—but Batman is able to resist the effects of the drug, though it’s an uphill battle that takes every last ounce of his willpower. (Robin, meanwhile, just stands there with this thumbs in ears.)

Marsha is outraged and summons her Grand Mogul and three other thugs. Fisticuffs ensue, but Marsha uses the distraction of the fight to hit Robin with a love dart. Robin doesn’t have Batman’s willpower and succumbs. Batman gives up rather than be forced to fight Robin.

However, while Batman is willing to give up his life to save Robin, Marsha’s price isn’t quite that high: she demands access to the Batcave so she can take the Bat-diamond. While Batman is willing to give her the diamond, he will not allow her ingress to the Batcave. He says he swore an oath that no stranger would ever be allowed in the Batcave—which must be news to Molly, Lydia Limpet, Gordon, Pauline, and the Penguin.

Since she doesn’t want Batman to break his vow, Marsha suggests that they get married. Then she won’t be a stranger and she’ll have every reason to go to the Batcave. Batman resists, but the alternative is for Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara to remain on their metaphorical knees worshipping Marsha. So he goes for it.

At Wayne Manor, Alfred and Harriet see the news report about Batman’s impending nuptials to Marsha, and Alfred convinces her that they need to help get Batman out of it.

The wedding starts, but before Batman can reluctantly say, “I do,” Alfred and Harriet burst in with a forged marriage certificate “proving” that Batman is already married—to Harriet. (Well, to “Henrietta Tillotson.” Alfred is pretending to be her solicitor.) The reverend leaves in a huff, unwilling to marry a bigamist, and Marsha and the Grand Mogul leave in a minute and a huff, furious at the two-timing bat-fink.

With Robin out of commission, Batman asks Alfred to assist him, which Alfred agrees to. (Leaving Harriet to, I dunno, catch a cab?) They head out, having rice thrown on them by confused wedding celebrants and then they drive off in the Batmobile, which has cans attached to it and a “JUST MARRIED” sign on it. They drive it as is, which probably turned some heads in 1966 Gotham what with two men being in the car…

Marsha and the Grand Mogul discuss Plan B: injecting Robin with a slave potion that will make the Boy Wonder obey her. However, Batman and Alfred arrive before Marsha can administer the potion, and they give Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara Bat-antidote pills, which restore them to their normal selves. Thus foiled, Marsha goes to Hilda—interrupting her bubble bath—to find a potion that will work on Batman and Robin both.

The Dynamic Duo set the Bat-radar to track Marsha’s diamonds, and they find them—in the basement underneath the hideout they were in earlier. (Geez, they needed the Bat-computer and the Bat-radar to find the place they’d already been to.)

Gordon and O’Hara congratulate Alfred on his and Harriet’s quick thinking, and Alfred in turn advises them to lie to their wives about where they’ve been all day. To their credit, the cops think that’s a terrible idea—though they’re also very reluctant to actually call said wives back…

Batman and Robin show up at Marsha’s underground lair, but she was expecting them. Hilda splashes her latest potion on them, but it fails to turn them into mice as advertised. A grumpy Marsha instead sics her thugs on them, and fisticuffs ensue.

During the fight, Hilda tries two more potions that are equally ineffective. However, Marsha does succeed in gassing the Dynamic Duo, rendering them unconscious on the floor. Hilda splashes a potion on them that she’s sure will turn them into toads.

Marsha shows up at Gordon’s office with a cage containing two toads wearing Batman and Robin’s costumes. Gordon and O’Hara are skeptical, right up until Toad Batman identifies himself in a croaking voice. Toad Batman tells Gordon to take Marsha to the Batcave—but Gordon has no idea where it is.

Then the real Batman and Robin show up. Turns out the potion didn’t work, but Marsha stuck the Dynamic Duo into a pair of her cages and dressed up two toads like Batman and Robin, with the Grand Mogul using his ventriloquist skills to try to play Gordon and O’Hara. However, our heroes escaped, using a very complicated manner that Adam West and Burt Ward explain in as soporific a manner as possible. (I think it involved turning the cage into an antenna and using the Bat-computer to calculate, er, something.) The Grand Mogul fails to stop Batman and Robin, and so Marsha surrenders.

Batman tells her that maybe now she’ll realize that diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Marsha’s reply is to roll her eyes and declare Batman to be hopelessly square.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Our heroes have a giant hydraulic Bat-press which they can use to manufacture the gigunda Bat-diamond that powers the Bat-computer. Said Bat-computer also has a Bat-printer that can produce very convincing forgeries of documents. They also have Bat-antidote pills that counteract Hilda’s potions.

Also I must mention Hilda’s bureau which contains drawers labelled, “POWDERED UNICORN,” “INSTANT ADDER,” “FROG TEETH,” “LIZARD HAIR,” “NEWT TAILS,” and “SHARK TOES.”

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Robin grumbles, “Holy Houdini, where’s the commissioner?” when he and Batman show up at GCPD HQ and Gordon isn’t there, and when the ensorcelled Gordon calls Batman, Robin cries, “Holy hypnotism!” His reaction to Marsha’s faux Arabian hideout is, “Holy harem, Batman.” Robin encourages Batman to resist Marsha’s love potion by crying, “Holy fate worse than death!” When he realizes that Marsha’s HQ is underground, Robin exclaims, “Holy stalactites!” and when he enters that underground lair, he mutters, “Holy trolls and goblins!”

Also when providing the voice for Frog Robin, the Grand Mogul does an excellent job of staying in character by croaking, “Holy hors d’oeuvres!” when Marsha threatens to have her cat eat the froggy heroes.

Gotham City’s finest. We meet several of O’Hara’s subordinates: O’Leary, O’Toole, O’Rourke, and Goldberg. One of these is not like the other. (Goldberg was probably an affirmative action hire, a sop to those pencil-pushing pinkos in Mayor Linseed’s office…) They simply stand around and watch as their boss commits a felony.

Special Guest Villainess. Carolyn Jones, best known as Morticia Addams in the contemporary TV adaptation of The Addams Family, plays Marsha. The role was originally intended for Zsa Zsa Gabor, and indeed Gabor was announced in the press as being cast in the role. Gabor would eventually show up in the series’ final episode as Minerva.

Marsha is another villain created especially for this TV series, but like Egghead (and unlike the others we’ve met to date), Jones will return as Marsha, teaming up with the Penguin in the three-parter “Penguin is a Girl’s Best Friend” / “Penguin Sets a Trend” / “Penguin’s Disastrous End.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Hilda’s love darts are strong enough that they cause utter smittenness with Marsha in its victims. One guy tries to show his devotion by committing suicide by dryer: he tried to tumble himself to death.

Batman is the only person who’s not instantly affected, though he still looks like he’s having a Bat-gasm even as he’s fighting off the effects.

Also we learn that both Gordon and O’Hara are married, and that Alfred has remained a bachelor.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“This is my most powerful potion—it’s never failed!”

“Like all the others?”

“I can guarantee that this will turn them into a pair of toads. I’ll stake my reputation on it!”

“You haven’t much to lose…”

–Hilda expressing confidence in her work and Marsha being sardonically skeptical.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 30 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Robert Long, independent filmmaker and manager of a Facebook group for the show.

Hilda is played by the great Estelle Winwood, who was 83 years old at the time, and continued to live until the age of 101. She was still working into her 90s and still making public appearances when she hit the century mark. She’ll return for Marsha’s next appearance in “Penguin is a Girl’s Best Friend.”

Carolyn Jones is the first of three Addams Family alumnae to appear on the show during this season. Ted Cassidy will appear in character as Lurch as a window cameo in “The Penguin’s Nest,” and John Astin will temporarily take over the role of the Riddler in “Batman’s Anniversary” / “A Riddling Controversy.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Take my life, take my love, take my all!” Parts of this story are fun to watch. In a show that has raised overacting to an art form, the players are in rare form. Neil Hamilton does a particularly absurd job, modulating from outrage at O’Hara’s being ensorcelled to becoming chemically smitten with Marsha himself. But all the men who fawn over Marsha are hilariously over the top—as is Adam West in his ludicrously played fight to not succumb to the love dart. (As usual, the weak link is Burt Ward, whose devotion to Marsha is wooden and unimpressive.)

Carolyn Jones—despite setting a record for most uses of the word “darling” in an hour—gives Marsha the bored cleverness of a rich woman who turns to crime because she’s obviously lost interest in everything else. She hasn’t a care in the world—even her surrender at the end is flippant. Plus she forms a magnificent double-act with Estelle Winwood. Indeed, the episode might have benefitted from more scenes with these two women.

There’s even a strong theme of devotion running through the two-parter: not just the artificial devotion prompted by the love darts, but the bonds between people who depend on each other. There’s Gordon’s dedication to O’Hara that has him beard the lion in his den alone to save him, Alfred and Harriet’s dedication to Batman that prompts them to stop the wedding with a fake first wife (complete with phony paperwork!), Hilda’s dedication to help her niece with her crime wave, the Grand Mogul’s like devotion to Marsha, and, of course, Batman’s devotion to Robin, for whom he will lay down his life (but not give up the secret of the Batcave’s location—hey, the line’s gotta be somewhere).

Unfortunately, it falls completely apart at the end. After the misdirect of the Toad Batman and Frog Robin, Batman and Robin show up and go into a lengthy, tiresome, spectacularly uninteresting chronicle of how they escaped a death trap we didn’t even know they were in (because we thought they were toads). Honestly, turning our heroes into amphibians would’ve been far more compelling (as Walt Simonson proved back in 1986 when he turned Thor into a frog—yes, really) than this nonsense, which is followed by an abortive fight with the Grand Mogul and a whole lot of standing around and talking. A total fizzle of a climax to a story that was enjoyable despite itself—seriously, the overacting in this one is epic…

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be at Balticon 50 in Baltimore this weekend. The Author Guest of Honor is George R.R. Martin, and several of Balticon’s previous 49 Author GoHs will be there as well. I’ll be doing readings, autographings, panels, workshops (including an in-depth seminar on the business of writing, which you can sign up for here), a launch party, and a Boogie Knights concert. His full schedule is here.

“Come Back, Shame!” / “It’s How You Play the Game”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 25 and 26
Production code 9729
Original air dates: November 30 and December 1, 1966

The Bat-signal: We open at the Gotham Speedway, where Grimaldi Smith is in the lead at the Gotham 100. During his pitstop, Shame and his gang steal his car, leaving behind a platinum bullet. It’s one of three car thefts perpetrated by Shame (the others being a hot rod and a go-cart), and Gordon’s only recourse is to call Batman.

Bruce and Dick interrupt their toy slot car races (Bruce keeps winning, of course) to head over to GCPD HQ. O’Hara reveals that they’ve rounded up the three stolen vehicles, but there was one part missing from each one—the carburetor from Smith’s stock car, custom-made alloy pistons from the go-cart, and milled heads from the hot-rod.

At his hideout on an abandoned movie lot, Shame has an axe to grind—no, really, he’s grinding an axe! He’s souping up a truck that can go 300 MPH so he can outrun the Batmobile. A little kid wanders in, thinking it’s an abandoned fake saloon, so he’s rather scared when Shame and his henchmen, Messy James and Rip Snorting, and his moll, Okie Annie, pull guns on him.

The “platinum bullets” are just regular bullets covered in platinum paint, so that’s of no use. So Batman and Robin use their brains (always a risk…). Shame seems to be building an engine—they think to enter the Gotham Grand Prix and win the $100,000 prize—and the next things they’d need would be a cam shaft and valve lifters. Batman calls Hot Rod Harry, a DJ who is also a car nut, as Bruce Wayne to say he’s got a new limo tricked out with the very parts Shame needs, which he’ll be showing off at the Gotham City Auto Show.

Shame takes the bait, abandoning the kid, whose name is Andy, in the fake saloon. Okie Annie tails Bruce and Dick as they go shopping for Aunt Harriet’s lingerie (!!!!!), and actually helps them, since apparently they can handle going toe-to-toe with the worst criminals in Gotham City, but are utterly bumfuzzled at the notion of buying women’s underwear. Okie Annie asks for a favor in return: her car broke down, and can they give her a lift to a repair shop? They agree, and the trio leave, Okie Annie squealing with delight. (The fact that she brought a shotgun and two revolvers into a snazzy women’s clothing emporium is left surprisingly uncommented upon.)

A cow is blocking the road, and when Bruce and Dick get out of the car to try to move it (unsuccessfully, I might add), Shame and his gang get the drop on them. They take the limo. Bruce had been counting on that, and had the Bat-cycle and the Alf-cycle following them via remote control from a distance. They wheel their way back to the Batcave.

Shame finishes his work on the hay-burner’s engine, secure in the knowledge that Batman has no idea where they are. That, of course, is when the Dynamic Duo show up. Fisticuffs ensue (the bad guys refrain from using their guns for fear a stray bullet will damage the engine they’ve worked so hard on), but while Shame, Messy James, and Rip Snorting get their heads handed to them, Okie Annie shoots the rope holding up the chandelier, which KOs the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder. Shame ties their hands and feet to stakes in the ground, and then he and the gang spook a herd of cattle, which then stampede toward our heroes.

However, the cattle’s hoof-falls rattle the ground enough to loosen Batman’s stakes so he can get up. Rather than untie Robin and run out of the way, Batman removes his cape and acts like a matador at a bullfight to keep the cattle away from Robin’s prone form. Sure.

Andy sees Batman and Robin and realizes that Shame is a villain, and the fight wasn’t fake the way Shame said it was. Batman is pleased to see that Andy’s been set on the straight and narrow—and then just abandons him in the lot to head back to the Batmobile (Jesus, Caped Crusader, at least call the kids’ parents!!!!). Realizing that Shame’s not about to race the Gotham Grand Prix in a truck, they have to revise their theory of what he’s up to. They consult Hot Rod Harry, but he has no idea what the plan might be—but he knows someone even more plugged into the automotive world: Laughing Leo.

The Dynamic Duo arrive at Laughing Leo’s Used Car Lot, where he’s selling a beaut stick shift (which we know because there’s a sign on the car that says “A BEAUT STICK SHIFT”) to a little old lady from Pasadena. He says he has no idea what Shame is up to, either, so our heroes head out—but then Leo arrives at Shame’s hideout. We find out that Shame’s plan is to steal prize black Angus cattle from the Gotham City Rodeo, which are worth $300,000 each. And Shame finds out from Leo that Batman and Robin are still alive.

Shame throws a temper tantrum, shooing the hideout up.

Batman and Robin find traces of chili and avocado, which points to the Adobe Hacienda Hotel, which serves the best chili-and-avocado dip in Gotham City.

However, they arrive at the restaurant to find no Shame. (Ahem.) Batman “reasons” that they’re back at the movie lot, since Shame knows that they know that that hideout’s blown, so Shame would assume that Batman wouldn’t look there because they know about the place. So they go there. Sure, why not.

Shame and the gang, however, are awaiting the Dynamic Duo. Shame “knew he’d think I’d think he’d think I’d think he’d come back here.” They start shooting, but Batman and Robin hide behind the Batmobile, which is bullet proof. However, Robin is nicked in the heel. (Gee, I could’ve sworn our heroes’ footwear was bullet proof also…) Batman extracts the bullet, then returns Robin to the Batcave for proper medical attention.

Alfred reminds Batman that Bruce Wayne is to be the grand marshal at the Gotham City Rodeo. When Alfred mentions the prize cattle, Batman realizes what Shame’s after. He has Alfred convey Bruce’s regrets that he can’t make it, but he’s sending Batman and Robin in his place. They arrive a moment too late—Shame has already stolen the cattle. They figure he’s gone to the KO Corral so they can feed the heifers.

The Batmobile arrives at high noon, naturally, and our heroes face off against Shame in the street—with Messy, Rip, Okie, and Leo all pointing two six-shooters each at them as well. Shame has them fire, but Batman tosses a smoke bomb to foil their aim. Batman is concentrating, and then asks Robin if there are nine guns with six bullets each, how many does that make? Robin says it’s 54, and Batman says he only counted 53 being fired. (Yes, Batman can count bullets being fired rapidly all around him with perfect precision, but doesn’t know what nine times six is.) Once the 54th bullet is fired, and they’re all out of ammo, fisticuffs ensue (including Robin at one point riding Rip like a horse), and our heroes are triumphant.

Gordon and O’Hara show up just as the fight is over and take the gang away.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman claims to have a precious metals bat-analyzer in Gordon’s office, but when he actually returns to the Batcave, he just bites the bullet. (Cue groans.) I think he was showing off for Gordon and O’Hara, personally—or just taking the piss out of him, and he and Robin were chortling in the Batmobile on the way back. “Can you believe they fell for the old ‘precious metals bat-analzyer’ gag? BWAH-HAH-HAH!” (Okay, maybe not. And we do actually see the analyzer…)

Batman can control the Bat-cycle remotely, and hey, look, it’s the triumphant return of the Alf-cycle! Batman also paints the tires of his limo with infra-red paint, which makes the tires glow if you look at it through the Batmobile’s specially tinted windshield. (How he knows where to look in the first place is left as an exercise for the viewer.) They use the Batroscope to examine the limo, and he uses a smoke bomb to spoil the aim of the bad guys when they shoot at them.

Batman gives Robin a Bat-cillin lozenge, which works like penicillin, only the effect is instantaneous. Why he hasn’t shared this medical miracle—which would actually do more good for humanity than all his other crimefighting combined—with the rest of the world is also left as an exercise for the viewer.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy jigsaw puzzles!” is Robin’s oddly inflected exclamation upon finding out that Shame has taken bits from each car he stole. “Holy stampede!” is Robin’s on-the-nose response to the cliffhanger deathtrap. “Holy toreador!” is Robin’s improper response to Batman’s bullfighting-style rescue, which he corrects to “Holy matador!” upon Batman lecturing him on the subject. “Holy guacamole!” is Robin’s utterance when they figure out where Shame gets his Mexican takeout from. “Holy bat-logic,” is Robin’s ironic proclamation when Batman “reasons” why Shame might be back on the movie lot.

Gotham City’s finest. The cops aren’t even a factor in this one. Seriously, Gordon and O’Hara just throw up their hands at the car thievery, and we don’t even see them again until the end.

Special Guest Villain. Future Oscar winner Cliff Robertson—he won in 1968 for Charly—plays Shame. Robertson would later go on to play another comic book character, Spider-Man’s ill-fated Uncle Ben, in the 2002 Spider-Man. Robertson will return as Shame in one of the few third-season two-parters, “The Great Escape” / “The Great Train Robbery.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Makes no difference if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”

“It’s easier to say that when you win.”

–Bruce being smug and high-handed, and Dick pointing that out.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 31 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author and audio drama writer/producer Jay Smith.

Shame is, obviously, based on Alan Ladd’s title character in the seminal 1953 Western Shane, with Andy’s plaintive “Come back, Shame” a riff on a like scene in the film. Allegedly, Clint Eastwood was considered for the role that went to Cliff Robertson, and man, would I love to live in that alternate reality…

The KO Corral is, just as obviously, a riff on the OK Corral, the legendary locale of the gunfight between the Earps and the Clantons in Tombstone, Arizona in 1881. (Which your humble rewatcher has already discussed recently in the rewatch of Star Trek‘s “Spectre of the Gun.”) Shame’s platinum bullets are a riff on the Lone Ranger‘s signature silver bullets.

Western veteran John Mitchum plays Rip Snorting, while former Playboy Playmate Joan Staley plays Okie Annie. Milton Frome, who played the tiddlywinks-playing admiral in the movie, returns to play Laughing Leo. And Jack Carter is the latest stand-up comedian to have an uncredited walk-on role, as Hot-Rod Harry.

The window cameo is Werner Klemperer in character as Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes. This is problematic on several levels: The series presumably takes place in the present day, which means World War II had been over for two decades, yet Klink hasn’t aged a day. Also, why are Batman and Robin having a pleasant, friendly conversation with a friggin’ Nazi war criminal? Having said that, it’s a testament to the show’s popularity, as Hogan’s Heroes was on a rival network, CBS.

Instead of “same bat-time, same bat-channel,” William Dozier’s urging to tune in tomorrow is to do so at the “Shame time, Shame channel.”

Laughing Leo’s Used Car Lot is on Surf Avenue and 20th Street—which is the corner in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn where writer Stanley Ralph Ross grew up.

Shame says that they’re east of the Mississippi (which tracks with Gotham subbing for New York, as it often does appear to)—yet Hot Rod Harry’s radio station is KCP, and K is used for radio and television call letters that are west of the Mississippi. (There is one exception: KDKA in Pittsburgh. Perhaps KCP is a like exception…)

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Shame on you, Shame!” This is, in many ways, the quintessential Batman 66 tale. As with all the best episodes, it has a superlative villain. Cliff Robertson magnificently inhabits the character of Shame, imbuing him with every single Western cliché in the book, with his down-home analogies, and every tired phrase of the genre (culminating in telling Batman that the town isn’t big enough for both of them at the climax). He also has strong support, as Joan Staley’s Okie Annie is a moll who actually contributes to the gang (in fact, she’s the only one, as she is singlehandedly responsible for both the capture of Bruce Wayne’s limo and of defeating the Dynamic Duo at the end of “Come Back, Shame!” while the other two are basically useless), and John Mitchum and Timothy Scott are delightfully goofy as the henchmen (Milton Frome somewhat less so as Laughing Leo).

In addition to sending up all the Western tropes, we get some bullfighting thrown in (I particularly love Robin screaming, “Olé!” while tied to two stakes during Batman’s flamenco dance with his cape to save the Boy Wonder from being trampled to death), a wholly gratuitous Jan & Dean reference, cameos by Werner Klemperer and Jack Carter, the hilarious awkwardness of Bruce and Dick shopping for the latter’s aunt’s lingerie, a perfect sendup of contemporary DJs and their over-the-top slang, and some of the most tortured Bat-logic in the show’s history!

And nothing—nothing—will ever beat Batman easily counting the number of bullets that are flying all around him, but having to ask Robin a simple multiplication question. Bliss!

It’s not perfect. The joke with Andy saying, “Come back, Shame,” was funny the first time, cute the second, and wholly unnecessary and tiresome every time after that. And the very ending, when Andy shows up at GCPD HQ to get his radio back because he’s worried about pissing off his mother would be a lot more convincing if he hadn’t been wandering the streets of Gotham all by himself for the entire two-parter. You’d think that would be of more concern to his mother than a stupid transistor radio…

Still, these are minor nits in a storyline that is hilariously funny. Just as with Stanley Ralph Ross’s previous outings (with the notable exception of “Shoot a Crooked Arrow”/”Walk the Straight and Narrow,” which was done in by Art Carney’s phoned-in performance), he manages the perfect balance of goofiness, earnestness, and satire.

 Bat-rating: 9

Keith R.A. DeCandido urges folks to support the crowdfunding campaign for Altered States of the Union, an alternate history anthology being put together by Crazy 8 Press and ComicMix, featuring a story by your humble rewatcher about the Conch Republic of the Florida Keys, as well as stories by David Gerrold, Michael Jan Friedman, Debra Doyle & James D. Macdonald, Brendan DuBois, Malon Edwards, G.D. Falksen, Alisa Kwitney, Gordon Linzner, Sarah McGill, Mackenzie Reide, Ian Randal Strock, Ramon Terrell, and more besides! The book will launch at Shore Leave 38 in July.

“The Penguin’s Nest” / “The Bird’s Last Jest”
Written by Lorenzo Semple Jr.
Directed by Murray Golden
Season 2, Episodes 27 and 28
Production code 9701
Original air dates: December 7 and 8, 1966

The Bat-signal: The Penguin has opened a fancy-pants restaurant called the Penguin’s Nest at the top of a Gotham City skyscraper. Peculiarly, the restaurant has a cover charge of $100, and a sign that says “ONLY RICH PEOPLE AND FRIENDS ADMITTED.” Warden Crichton has arranged for Gordon, O’Hara, Bruce, Dick, and Harriet to have dinner there to show how his prison reforms are working. Penguin apparently learned the art of haute cuisine in the penitentiary kitchen.

More peculiarly, orders are taken by writing them down on slips of paper and handing them to the waitstaff rather than being given orally.

Penguin very obviously lifts Harriet’s diamond bracelet, and when O’Hara catches him doing so, he all but begs to be arrested. Bruce finds this suspicious and suggests that Gordon call Batman, and given the oddness of Penguin actually asking to be arrested, he agrees. Gordon goes to a phone booth, while Bruce, claiming a call he needs to make, goes to the adjoining one. Bruce tells Alfred to hook that call up to the Bat-phone, while Gordon tells the GCPD switchboard to tie his line into the Bat-phone on his end. (Given the quality of 1966 phone lines, I’m amazed they could even hear each other…)

Luckily, Harriet has lost her appetite, giving Bruce and Dick an excuse to leave. They take her home and then zip down the bat-poles to drive back into town and meet up with Gordon at the restaurant. (Assuming Batman drove at 55 MPH, as is the law, the shortest the 28-mile trip could have taken is half an hour, and it was probably longer what with city driving, making sure Harriet is okay, and so on. Probably more like 45 minutes to an hour. And Gordon, O’Hara, and Penguin just sat there the whole time…) Penguin insists that he was overcome by a temporary criminal impulse and that his reform hadn’t taken as well as Crichton had hoped, and oh well, he’ll have to go to prison. This baffles Batman, as the restaurant is doing well (the average tab is $87 per person, plus drinks and the $100 cover charge (man, stuff cost less in absolute dollar numbers fifty years ago, didn’t they? (I’ve paid $87 for a meal in New York City, and I am most assuredly not a millionaire (I mean, sure, things are more expensive in NYC, but still, they were going for sticker shock there)))) and most of the millionaires in Gotham were eating there.

At Batman’s request, Penguin introduces his associates in the restaurant: Chef Cordy Blue (former chief hash slinger at the state pen), head waiter Matey Dee (former valet to Crichton), and Chickadee, the hat check and cigarette girl (and also a bootlegger and seller of untaxed cigars). However, they’re all legitimately on parole.

Since Penguin isn’t incompetent enough or stupid enough to commit so obvious a felony, he must want to go to prison for some nefarious purpose, so they deny him what he wants, chalking up his theft to post-prison nerves, and not arresting him.

Penguin is livid at this kind treatment, and throws a pie in Gordon’s face. O’Hara’s ready to drag him to jail by hand at that point, but Batman holds firm. (Which is easy for him to say, since he isn’t covered in pie.)

In the kitchen, Penguin rants and raves at his staff, frustrated at his inability to get arrested even after potting the police commissioner in the puss with a pie (which just gives you a hint at the amount of P-related alliteration this script pulchitrudinously provides). But then the bat-detector in his umbrella goes off—sure enough, the Dynamic Duo are bat-climbing up the side of the skyscraper to the restaurant, with Batman castigating the Penguin’s Nest for only catering to the rich rather than the average citizen. (Then gee, Bats, why was your millionaire ass chowing down and complimenting Penguin on how great the place was earlier?)

Penguin stages a murder of Chef Blue, which gets Batman and Robin to break in through the window and, he hopes, arrest him. However, Batman kicks the chef, whose yelp of pain exposes the ruse. Despite this, Batman decides to go ahead and arrest him—putting him, not in the state pen, but in the Gotham City Jail, which is for petty crooks only (which we know because there’s a sign that says, “GOTHAM CITY JAIL—PETTY CROOKS ONLY”). Penguin is, again, outraged that he’s only in the petty pokey, but what Batman took him in on was a violation of the sanitary code.

Our heroes return to the Batcave to puzzle out Penguin’s plot. Apparently, Penguin has his own special cell—P-1—in the maximum-security ward (makes sense, given how often he’s in and out of there), and it’s adjacent to Q-7, which is currently occupied by Barney F. “Ballpoint” Baxter, a forger.

Batman figures it out: Penguin was going to take the food orders to Ballpoint and have him forge checks “signed” by all the millionaires who patronized the Penguin’s Nest. They call Crichton on their direct line to him (handily labelled “DIRECT LINE TO WARDEN CRICHTON, STATE PEN”), and he confirms that all the prisoners have access to blank check forms to help them better be able to handle their own finances after their terms are up. As penological reforms go, it’s not bad, but may not be the best thing to give to a forger. (I should mention that Batman woke Crichton from his afternoon nap. He went to the trouble of changing into jammies, a cap, and an eye mask before taking that nap. Yeah.) Batman and Robin decide to give Penguin what he wants in order to set him up.

However, Penguin sets up his own breakout from the penny-ante prison. Matey Dee, Chef Blue, and Chickadee come with a meal for Penguin, which they tell the guard is in honor of his birthday, and it was authorized by O’Hara! The guard, not being a complete moron, calls O’Hara down, and also checks the food with a metal detector. The pie is actually electrified, and it zaps the guard when he runs the detector over it.

However, Batman and Robin show up just in time to foil the jailbreak. Fisticuffs ensue (after Chickadee tries to shoot the Dynamic Duo with the guard’s gun, though she misses them by a country mile, because, y’know, girls can’t really shoot straight…).

The fight ends, though, when O’Hara answers the summons only to be easily taken down by Chickadee (who is less likely to miss at point-blank range). Penguin, Chickadee, Matey Dee, and Chef Blue make their escape with the chief as a hostage.

Penguin tells Batman and Robin to retrieve O’Hara at the swimming pool at the abandoned Navy recreation center. They’ve put O’Hara in a trunk at the top of a water slide into the pool, and they’ve electrified the water. Matey Dee and Chef Blue set up with a rifle to shoot the heroes, while Chickadee is ready to push O’Hara’s metal trunk into the charged pool. Penguin then hears the Batmobile coming (for some reason, his umbrella’s bat-detector doesn’t go off), and they take their places.

Chickadee tosses the trunk into the pool as soon as the Dynamic Duo show up. The bat-shield protects our heroes from the rapid-fire rifle fire (say that four times fast), and they manage to reverse the polarity of the electric feed into the water, so that when Penguin thinks he’s turning on the electricity, he instead turns the water into an anti-magnet (just roll with it), which tosses O’Hara’s trunk out of the water.

Once the rifle runs out of bullets, the bad guys surrender and Batman takes them in.

We cut to Penguin’s arraignment, where he and his gang are charged with kidnapping, littering, electrifying a swimming pool, attempted murder, mayhem, battery, and compound assault. Batman and Robin have asked to represent the people in place of the district attorney for reasons passing understanding.

Penguin argues that his mayhem and other stuff was a natural reaction to the conspiracy to deprive him of his proper incarceration after stealing Harriet’s bracelet. Judge Moot considers this argument to be a strong one, and so the people drop the charges. However, Penguin was too eloquent for his own good—the judge not only drops the current charges, but also those of stealing the bracelet. He’s free to go, despite having admitted in a court of law that he committed theft, so he still can’t get himself sent to the state pen.

Batman decides to set Penguin up a different way. He paints false fingerprints on Alfred’s hands, specifically those of “Quill-Pen” Quertch, another forger. Batman then calls in an anonymous tip to the GCPD that Quertch would be dining at the Penguin’s Nest.

Sure enough, O’Hara shows up at the restaurant and gives Quertch three hours to leave town. Penguin has Chickadee check Quertch’s fingerprints, which Penguin cross-references with his extensive collection of criminal fingerprints.

However, once he sits down to talk to “Quertch,” he recognizes Alfred and gasses him. He clears the restaurant by saying there’s an epidemic of Moldavian food poisoning. Penguin figures that Alfred was sent by Bruce Wayne on behalf of his banking interests to stop the forging scheme. Penguin sets Chef Blue to making 50 pounds of piecrust…

Since Alfred hasn’t checked in, Batman and Robin head to the Penguin’s Nest to find the place closed due to the Moldavian food poisoning, both dining room and kitchen empty, though in the latter they do find Alfred’s bowler covered in flour.

Meanwhile, Penguin and his gang show up at Wayne Manor with a gigunda Alfred pie. When Robin checks in with Aunt Harriet as Dick, Penguin yanks the phone away and tells “Dicky-boy” to tell Bruce to get home quick.

They return, zipping up the bat-poles, and Penguin delivers his ransom: they cook “Quertch” alive inside the pie unless Bruce gives him a million dollars cash. Bruce says he has that in the wall safe in his study—they head there, go down the bat-poles, then come back up after turning off the costume-changing function. After preserving their secret identities by screaming that they see Batman and Robin coming through the window (and using their given names multiple times, thus making them as convincing as an eight-year-old trying to tell her parents that she didn’t break the vase, no really) and that they’ll stay out of their way in the study, the two of them run out to the living room in costume.

Fisticuffs ensue, but when the fight goes badly for the bad guys, Chickadee reminds them that she’s got an umbrella pointed right at Harriet’s head. However, Alfred chooses that moment to finally recover from the gas and break out of the piecrust, distracting her long enough for Harriet to clomp her on the head with a spittoon.

When the fight ends, the Dynamic Duo run out, go down and up the bat-poles, return as Bruce and Dick, and pretend like they missed the whole thing. Alfred plays along by saying that the Dynamic Duo left through the window, and left a message for Bruce and Dick: if they ever encounter Penguin again, to call the police rather than handle it themselves. This extemporaneous outpouring is no doubt a hint by Alfred to stop putting his damn life in danger with these undercover endeavors…

Penguin thinks, however, that he’s finally gotten what he wants: to be sent to the state pen. However, he learns to his chagrin that Ballpoint Baxter has been released on parole thanks to Bruce, who has secured him a position teaching penmanship to underprivileged children. Penguin is devastated as O’Hara drags him off to jail.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman has an entire large machine labelled with, “STATE PEN OCCUPANCY REPORT,” which is seems to me would make more sense as, I dunno, a booklet? It also looks suspiciously like the bat-computer. We also get the bat-shield, which pretty much materializes in Batman’s hand when they’re fired upon, a bat-pellet (which is apparently a grenade now?), insulated bat-clippers, and a bat-inverser that reverses polarity.

While they don’t actually consult it, at one point the Dynamic Duo walk past the Giant Lighted Lucite Map of Gotham City, which the camera lingers lovingly on. ALL HAIL THE GIANT LIGHTED LUCITE MAP OF GOTHAM CITY!

Also Penguin has a “bat-detector” in his umbrella handle. It’s unclear what, exactly, it detects. Probably something radioactive or explosive in their utility belts, since they’re always carrying crazy-ass dangerous stuff in their belts……………..

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When told how well Penguin’s restaurant is doing, Robin says, “Holy straitjacket,” implying that Penguin is crazy to get caught on a grand larceny charge when he’s making money feather over wing. When he sees Penguin “shoot” Chef Blue, Robin cries, “Holy firing squad!” and when Batman exposes it as a fake, he screams, “Holy blank cartridge!” When Chickadee dumps the trunk containing O’Hara into the pool, Robin cries, “Holy Davy Jones!” (He’s referring, I hasten to add, to the guy with the locker, not the Monkee…) When they’re shot at, Robin yells, “Holy Guadalcanal!” from behind the bat-shield. When O’Hara’s trunk is cast out of the pool, Robin screams, “Holy levitation!” When Judge Moot considers Penguin’s argument, Robin puts himself in contempt of court by yelling, “Holy flipflop!” When they find Alfred’s flour-covered bowler, Robin mutters, “Holy chocolate éclair.”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon gets a pie in the face. It’s awesome.

Special Guest Villain. Burgess Meredith makes his second appearance of the season as the Penguin—though these were, in fact, the first two produced, they weren’t aired until three months into the season. He’ll return, teaming up with the Joker, in “The Zodiac Crimes.”

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I bet Batman’s the only one in the world with a hand steady enough to paint false fingerprints.”

“Come come, Robin, don’t exaggerate. All it takes is a little practice and a bit of patience.”

“Fortunate the criminal classes don’t realize the possibilities.”

“It wouldn’t help them if they did, Alfred. The poor wretches are addicted to tobacco and alcohol. They lack the nerve control for this sort of work.”

–Robin admiring Batman’s ability to manufacture evidence, Batman demurring, Alfred pointing out that this can be used by criminals, and Batman overgeneralizing to an imbecilic and appalling degree.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 32 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Billy Flynn of Geek Radio Daily.

This episode was based in part on the story “The Penguin’s Nest” that appeared in Batman #36 from 1946, by Alvin Schwartz, Paul Cooper, & Ray Burnley. The entire opening of “The Penguin’s Nest” is adapted from the comics story, up to and including Gordon getting hit in the face with a pie.

David Lewis is back as Crichton, having last been seen in “Ma Parker.” He’ll return in “Catwoman Goes to College.”

The window cameo is Ted Cassidy in character as Lurch from The Addams Family, whose appearance is telegraphed by the harpsichord playing the show’s theme music in the background as Batman and Robin climb the wall.

At one point, Penguin identifies himself as “P.N. Gwynne,” the same pseudonym he used in the movie to purchase the surplus submarine.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “I am brainy, I am nimble, I am versatile!” I keep going back and forth on this episode. On the one hand, I like the bits of continuity, from “P.N. Gwynne” to Penguin actually recognizing Alfred (considering that he’s encountered the butler three times before). On the other, this is the third time we’ve dipped into the “Penguin has reformed” well, and it’s starting to wear thin, especially since him as a restauranteur isn’t anywhere near as much fun as him as a politician.

On the one hand, I like the fact that Penguin stays on point throughout the two-parter, always coming back to his original plan of being sent to the state pen so he can enlist Ballpoint in his forgery scheme. On the other hand, Batman knows this is his endgame, so why does he go to all the trouble of actually prosecuting Penguin’s case to get him sent to the state pen? For that matter, how is it even possible that a guy in a mask who won’t reveal his true name can prosecute a case for the state? That’s probably illegal. So is faking fingerprints, if it comes to that.

Burgess Meredith remains magnificent, brilliantly managing both the physical and verbal gymnastics required to make the role work, and the screen lights up whenever he’s on it. Plus Gordon gets a pie in the face, Alfred gets put in a pie, O’Hara gets put in a trunk, we see Crichton in his jammies, the bit with Gordon and Bruce in adjacent phone booths is comedy gold, and the whole thing is magnificently goofy in a way that really only Lorenzo Semple Jr. and Stanley Ralph Ross are able to manage, and Semple mostly does it well here.

Bat-rating: 7

Keith R.A. DeCandido urges folks to support the crowdfunding campaign for Altered States of the Union, an alternate history anthology being put together by Crazy 8 Press and ComicMix, featuring a story by your humble rewatcher about the Conch Republic of the Florida Keys, as well as stories by David Gerrold, Michael Jan Friedman, Debra Doyle & James D. Macdonald, Aaron Rosenberg, Brendan DuBois, Malon Edwards, G.D. Falksen, Alisa Kwitney, Gordon Linzner, Sarah McGill, Mackenzie Reide, Ian Randal Strock, Ramon Terrell, and more besides! The book will launch at Shore Leave 38 in July.

“The Cat’s Meow” / “The Bat’s Kow Tow”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by James B. Clark
Season 2, Episodes 29 and 30
Production code 9737
Original air dates: December 14 and 15, 1966

The Bat-signal: Bruce and Dick are being interviewed on a morning TV show by Harry Upps, discussing the Wayne Foundation youth program. While Upps is doing a commercial for an umbrella, Catwoman comes in in disguise and activates a device. Upps loses his voice a second later.

Upps opens the umbrella, and it’s filled with cards containing a riddle: what’s black and white and full of fuzz? (Bruce thinks zebra, Dick thinks police car.) Our heroes are concerned that this may be the work of one of their arch-villains—they express these concerns while in an active TV studio with live microphones and cameras on them. Great way to conceal your secret identity, guys! (Bruce, at least, makes a show of putting a hand over the mic, but that’s a band-aid on a bullet wound, especially since Dick does nothing that sensible.) Umbrellas usually means Penguin; riddles usually means the Riddler; pranks usually mean Joker.

Concerned that Gordon will call for Batman and Robin, since he watches the morning show, Bruce and Dick just walk out of the TV studio. However, Gordon is considerate enough to wait long enough for Bruce and Dick to drive the 14 miles back to Wayne Manor (in morning rush hour traffic! in their regular car!) before calling.

Joker, Riddler, and Penguin are all currently in jail, so it can’t be any of them. Gordon and O’Hara let Batman have the umbrella to check out in the Batcave, ’cause they’re just nice like that. (Chain of evidence is for wimps.)

Then Catwoman arrives at GCPD HQ, where we discover that she’s claimed to have reformed and is now in show business. She’s formed a band called Catwoman and the Kittens. Gordon invites the band to perform at the Policeman’s Benevolent Association Ball. Also performing are Chad & Jeremy, and Catwoman asks Gordon for the location of the duo’s accommodations—to make sure they won’t both perform the same songs, supposedly. Once Gordon reveals that they’re staying at Wayne Manor, Catwoman steals the commissioner’s voice, too.

At Wayne Manor, Bruce is fiddling with an animal skull and a compass for reasons passing understanding when the regular phone rings. It’s Duncan’s Dance Studio (really Catwoman) offering a free dance lesson if you can answer a trivia question: who painted Whistler’s Mother? Once Bruce convinces Dick a dance lesson would be useful for the junior prom, he answers that it’s Whistler.

Bruce has to buy some electronics for the Batcave, so he goes off, while Dick gets his lesson from a disguised Catwoman. Dick is frustrated, as he has no natural rhythm, but Catwoman insists he’s doing fine. However, there are dogwood flowers in the study, and of course Catwoman is allergic to dogwood. (Cats? Dogs? Get it?????) Her sneeze knocks off her glasses, and reveals her as Catwoman. Harriet faints, and Catwoman gasses Dick and Alfred before they can do anything.

Chad & Jeremy arrive at Gotham City Airport, mobbed by dozens of screaming female fans. Catwoman is there, but decides that it’s too crowded for her to try anything.

Batman and Robin determine the location of the dance studio from which Dick “won” the prize, and they head there. Upstairs, Harriet serves tea to Chad & Jeremy, where she’s surprised to see that they’re polite young men who plan to be a doctor and a lawyer if the music thing craps out. (Which is total horseshit, by the by.)

The Dynamic Duo arrive at the dance studio to confront Catwoman, and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes win the fight but Catwoman is able to drug them before she can be arrested. They’re in a massive echo chamber. She starts a faucet dripping on a drum, which is amplified ten million times, so it’ll shatter their eardrums and pulp their brains.

However, Batman determines that the sympathetic vibration of the glass in the echo chamber is F# above high C. Batman utters that note (sorta) and the glass shatters. They find the dance studio head, Benton Bellgoody, who tells them that Catwoman is already at Chad & Jeremy’s concert at the PBA ball. Batman and Robin arrive too late to stop her from stealing Chad & Jeremy’s voices, though not until after we’ve gotten to hear them perform one of their hits.

The next day, the Dynamic Duo appear on Allan Stevens’s show to assure the citizenry that they will retrieve Chad & Jeremy’s voices. Catwoman and her gang appear and make her demands: eight million pounds from the UK in exchange for Chad & Jeremy’s voices. Batman is appalled that she would destroy England’s economy (#Brexit).

Our heroes go to the British Consulate, where they are informed that the British government will not pay Catwoman’s ransom.

Gordon is still voiceless, O’Hara’s men are scouring the city for Catwoman, but can’t find her, and Batman and Robin are stumped. However, Catwoman did call O’Hara to demand a ransom from Gotham, since England crapped out, and, in a rare bout of sensible behavior, the chief recorded the conversation.

Batman takes the tape back to the Batcave to analyze it, and determines that there are three hair dryers going in the background. As it happens, the famous hairstylist Mr. Oceanbring has three hair dryers at his salon, which they learn from Chad & Jeremy, who patronize Oceanbring. The Dynamic Duo arrive at the salon to find Catwoman and her gang, and fisticuffs ensue.

Our heroes are triumphant, but Catwoman gets away. Batman gives chase, but she ambushes him. She has him at gunpoint—she could kill him or just take his voice—but she can’t do it, as she’s too attracted to Batman to kill him. She surrenders, explaining that an atomizer to the throat will clear up people’s voices.

Bruce, Dick, Harriet, Alfred, and Gordon all attend a Chad & Jeremy concert, the voices of each of those last three having been restored.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat Sound Analyzer determines that there are hair dryers in the background of Catwoman’s phone call. He also has a Bat Anti-Sonic Gun repellant or some such in his utility belt that would have protected him from Catwoman’s sonic gun, because of course it would have.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Catwoman drugs Batman and Robin by scratching them, Robin cries, “Holy Heidelberg!” because Robin doesn’t get that a dueling scar would be on the face, not the chest. When O’Hara reveals that he recorded his phone conversation with Catwoman, Robin mutters, “Holy resourcefulness.” When Robin sees Batman and Catwoman arm in arm, he cries, “Holy mush!”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon insists that he can tell a reformed woman when he sees one, and Catwoman is definitely reformed. It’s almost hard to believe he always needs Batman’s help…

Special Guest Villainess. Julie Newmar is back, last seen in prison for a cameo during “Ma Parker.” She’ll be back in a fortnight for “The Sandman Cometh”/”The Catwoman Goeth,” teamed up with Michael Rennie’s Sandman.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Catwoman has the hots for Batman, and contemplates setting her moll, Eenie, up with Robin, but decides he’s too young. One of Catwoman’s favorite things is hearing Batman’s baritone. She’s also perfectly happy to keep Batman’s body after his brain is pulped by the echo chamber, and actually says that she can’t have her cake and eat it too, and she looks right at Batman’s crotch when she says “eat it too.” And in the end, she almost manages to steal a kiss from Batman before going up the river, though they’re interrupted by Robin.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Very hep, Alfred.”

“It’s ‘hip,’ Aunt Harriet. They changed it.”

–Harriet trying to use the lingo like the kids do, and Dick correcting her, because nobody knows hep, er, hip lingo like Dick Grayson.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 33 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jim Beard, editor of the fantastic essay collection Gotham City 14 Miles.

Chad & Jeremy appear as themselves, making them the second band to appear on the show, following Paul Revere & the Raiders in “Hizzoner the Penguin,” though the British duo play a much bigger role in the plot. In “The Bat’s Kow Tow,” they perform “Distant Shores” and “Teenage Failure,” both singles they released in 1966. The British Consulate’s disinterest in ransoming them was oddly prophetic, as the duo were a much bigger hit in the U.S. than in the UK, and the two actually applied for U.S. citizenship in 1966.

Harry Upps is a play on the then-host of The Today Show on NBC, Hugh Downs.

McHale’s Navy veteran Joe Flynn makes an uncredited appearance as Bellgoody (Bellgoody at one point says he was born in Youngstown, Ohio, which is Flynn’s hometown), while Steve Allen also appears in an uncredited role as Allan Stevens, a name they were up all night coming up with. Also in an uncredited cameo with a bad-pun name is hairstylist Jay Sebring, who appears as Mr. Oceanbring. Finally, the window cameo is Don Ho, who is inexplicably in the British Consulate.

Judy Strangis appears briefly as one of the two teenaged girls who rave over Chad & Jeremy in the airport. Strangis will go on to play the sidekick in Elektra Woman and Dyna Girl.

Catwoman references the time Batman saved her life in “The Cat and the Fiddle.”

As is often the case with a Catwoman episode, the cliffhanger voiceover urged people to tune in tomorrow, “same cat-time, same cat-channel.”

Gordon shows up at the Chad & Jeremy concert at the urging of his grandchildren. However, when Barbara Gordon (a.k.a. Batgirl) appears in season three, it will be established that she (a) is an only child and (b) has no kids.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “If I were to kiss you, would you think I was a bad girl?” The presence of Julie Newmar in a story can cover a multitude of sins, which is a good thing, because there are a lot of sins to cover. The second season’s tendency to showcase actors and cameos at the expense of plot sense is at an all-time high in this one: Steve Allen! Joe Flynn! Don Ho! Jay Sebring! And Chad & friggin Jeremy!

Hilariously from the POV of five decades later, the first four names actually had more meaning to me coming in than the last—while it was a big deal to have pop stars Chad & Jeremy on the show in 1966, in 2016 I had to look the duo up, as I’d never heard of them. And I’m fairly well versed in rock and roll music generally, so this is either a major deficiency on my part or a sad statement on the fleeting nature of fame in the music biz.

The plot in this one is—well, weird. Catwoman’s misdirection by doing a prank with riddles and umbrellas would have made more sense if the primary trio of male villains weren’t all in jail. The whole notion of stealing voices is bizarre in the first place, and it just doesn’t seem like it has much chance for success. The cliffhanger deathtrap is actually clever, and the high volume of the echo chamber is a rare case that gives the villain a good reason to be out of the room while the deathtrap is engaged. Having said that, Batman’s solution to get out is weak tea. And the opening with Bruce and Dick casually talking Bat-business in a live TV studio is just mind-boggling, given the contortions these two generally go to in order to preserve their identities. Also why does Catwoman steal Gordon’s voice, when that gives away that she hasn’t actually reformed? It’s an unusually stupid move.

It’s fun to watch Newmar slink, as always, and the bit where she and Eenie are calmly sitting and discussing relationships with Batman and Robin during a fight scene is epic, and Batman thumphering while Catwoman flirts with him at the end is hilarious, but most of this two-parter is more focused on goofy cameos and bad jokes than it is on telling an actual story.

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido urges folks to support the crowdfunding campaign for Humans Wanted, an anthology based on the tumblr meme by “iztarshi,” edited by Vivian Caethe. Both Jody Lynn Nye and Keith will be contributing to the anthology if it’s funded. Check it out!

“The Puzzles are Coming” / “The Duo is Slumming”
Written by Fred de Gorter
Directed by Jeffrey Hayden
Season 2, Episodes 31 and 32
Production code 9731
Original air dates: December 21 and 22, 1966

The Bat-signal: The Puzzler—a Shakespeare-spouting villain—is in billionaire Artemus Knab’s penthouse apartment (for which the Puzzler has a key). Along with his henchmen and moll, Rocket (an aspiring actress, who’s hoping for an introduction to Knab to further her career), they fly a tiny model plane right into Gordon’s office (which happens to be across the street). It drops a smoke bomb and has a note. On one side, it says, “Forsooth, the puzzles are coming.” On the back: “I know a bank where the wild thyme blows, inside out the puzzle goes.”

Realizing it’s the Puzzler, Gordon and O’Hara immediately call Batman and Robin. The call interrupts Dick practicing his bird calls, which, amazingly, will actually be important later.

They arrive at GCPD HQ and guess that “bank” and “inside out” point to Knab (sure). The Dynamic Duo head to Knab’s apartment (which, as we know, is right across the street) to find Knab and Puzzler playing a game of Monopoly. The game is regularly interrupted by Knab taking work-related phone calls.

Our heroes are surprised to find that Puzzler and Knab appear to be legitimately partnered up. Knab’s backing Puzzler’s notion of puzzle balloons, which can be used for publicity and advertising. Puzzler gives Robin a sample, which they take back to the Batcave. Blown up, it says, “If you knew a hawk from a handsaw, would you know a parrot from a plane?” The first half is a quote from Hamlet, the second half he assumes refers to Knab’s new plane, the Retsoor, which is having a coming-out party at Gotham City Airport.

At the Knab Aircraft hangar, Knab is christening the Retsoor, intended as a model for a stealth plane for the military. After that, he leaves in his vintage Duesenberg Model J, just as Puzzler arrives to rob the rich attendees of their jewelry while getting pictures of the Retsoor‘s controls. His henchmen give puzzle balloons to the guests, which they then pop, releasing a gas that paralyzes everyone (except for the bad guys, who are wearing gas masks). After sending Rocket off with the loot, Batman and Robin arrive, at which point Puzzler hits them with the paralyzing gas, takes pictures of the Retsoor‘s cockpit, and departs, leaving one puzzle balloon behind for Batman, which reads, “What letter is ne’er perceived in the alphabet?” (The kind you put in a mailbox.) Inside the balloon is a slip of paper that reads, “Yea, verily, the answer is a fence in this world’s globe.”

The Dynamic Duo then engage in some tortuous logic that truly made my head hurt, and eventually leads them to the Old Globe Balloon Facotry, which is adjacent to the railroad yard. (Yeah, I don’t follow, either, just go with it.)

They arrive at the factory to find Rocket pretending to be a secretary blowing up balloons. (That is to say, she’s pretending to be a secretary—she really is blowing up balloons.) She insists the Puzzler doesn’t wish to see anyone, but our heroes nonetheless go to the back room through its entrance (conveniently labelled “OLD GLOBE BALLOON FACTORY BACK ROOM ENTRANCE”).

There, Puzzler and his henchmen are waiting. Fisticuffs ensue, and while the henchmen get their butts kicked, Puzzler tosses model planes with poison tips at the Dynamic Duo, and they fall unconscious. They wake up bound in a balloon. When the altimeter registers 20,000 feet, the basket will release, sending the good guys plummeting to the ground and going splat.

One of the henchmen offers our heroes gum, on the theory that they offer it to people who fly in airplanes, but the Dynamic Duo refuse. The henchmen then tosses his own chewed gum into the balloon, causing Robin to cry out, “Litterbug,” because, dagnabbit, Robin has his priorities straight.

However, his littering is their salvation, as they’re able to snag the chewed gum and use it to (ahem) gum up the works of the altimeter so the needle stops before reaching 20,000 feet. Batman then instructs Robin to use his bird calls to summon the elusive and high-flying giant red-eyed hermit nuthatch birds, which are migrating south for the winter. While Robin hasn’t gotten to that bird yet, he fakes it enough to summon one nuthatch; an ornery sort, the bird pecks at the balloon in annoyance at how shitty Robin’s birdcall is, which opens a hole in the balloon that sends it back earthward.

Unfortunately, it’s going very fast. Fortunately, they land on a copse of trees on a hill that happens to be near an emergency pay phone, for which Batman thanks the taxpayers and Governor Stonefellow (not the scriptwriter??). They then untie each other while standing back to back—why they didn’t do that sooner is left as an exercise for the viewer.

Batman and Robin show up at the balloon factory, to Puzzler’s surprise, but a henchman throws a switch that is not labelled (which we know because it has a sign next to it that says, “NOT LABELLED,” and yes the signs have gotten that meta…), which drops a crapton of balloons all over our heroes, allowing the bad guys to vamoose.

Meanwhile, Rocket is having tea with Knab, ostensibly to help her career, but she mickeys the tea, enabling Puzzler to come in and open Knab’s safe while Knab sleeps off the tea. Inside are the Retsoor‘s plans, which Puzzler photographs. He wants to know everything he can about flying the Retsoor, so he can operate it when he steals it (thus showing he has more foresight than Clock King). He leaves a note for Batman pinned to Knab’s lapel and he and Rocket depart.

Puzzler also sent a package to Gordon’s office. Batman checks it with the Bat-stethoscope, but since he puts the earpieces of the stethoscope over the earpieces of his cowl rather than his actual ears, he not only doesn’t hear ticking, but doesn’t hear the rooster that’s bopping around the cage that is inside the package.

There’s a note attached to the cage: “Batman, how canst thou keep a rooster from crowing on a Sabbath morn?” (By killing him on a Saturday night.) They decide to check on Knab, since he seems to be part of Puzzler’s plan, and they arrive just as Knab wakes up from his gimmicked tea. Knab assures Batman that his interest in going into business with the Puzzler has waned, given his behavior.

Batman opens the note that Puzzler left on Knab’s lapel, but it’s blank. However, Batman detects the odor of secret writing (which is what, one wonders?), so he takes it back to the Batcave to analyze it, only to learn that it just says, “PUZZLES.”

Another tortuous logic session ensues, as they go from “puzzles” having seven letters to a phone number with odd numbers, which they determine—well, I’ll be honest, I’ve got no bloody clue how they worked it out. They just did. Somehow.

They call the number, and Puzzler answers, having expected them to figure it out. (God knows how.) Puzzler throws another gag at them: “An aviator was carrying his clothes home from the cleaners when it began to rain. How didst he protect them?” (He put them inside the hangars.) This leads them to Knab’s hangar (uh, okay), where Puzzler is preparing to steal the Retsoor, then ransom it back to Knab for four million dollars.

Rocket distracts the hangar guards, but Batman and Robin show up and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes are victorious, and Puzzler and his gang are hauled off to prison. The balloon factory goes out of business, allowing Harriet to get a bunch of puzzle balloons on the cheap for an underprivileged children benefit. As a final insult, Puzzler gets a Shakespeare citation wrong and Batman corrects him.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Batcave has an air pump for blowing up balloons, though it appears that Batman has to assemble it for this episode, so it may be new. Batman also has a Secret Writing Detector and a Bat-stethoscope that is unable to detect a rooster moving around a cage.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon learning it’s the Puzzler, Robin mutters, “Holy Hamlet,” and upon learning he’s involved with Knab, he adds, “Holy deposit slip!” Upon regaining consciousness in an aerial balloon, he cries, “Holy Graf Zeppelin, an aerial balloon!” As they rise up in the balloon, Robin laments, “Holy stratosphere, if only we were birds.” When asked by Batman to do the birdcall for an elusive high-flying giant red-eyed hermit nuthatch bird, Robin’s response is, “Holy Audubon.” When the balloon starts careening toward the ground at high speeds, Robin cries, “Holy crack-up!” Upon seeing Puzzler’s seemingly blank note with secret writing on it, Robin grumbles, “Holy ghost writer!” When they reach Puzzler on the phone, Robin cries, “Holy miracles.” 

Gotham City’s finest. At one point, Gordon is on the phone with Warden Crichton, who is complaining about the overcrowding at the prison, which Gordon credits entirely to his department’s skills, said skills consisting of knowing how to use the Bat-phone…

Special Guest Villain. Maurice Evans is the latest one-and-done second-season villain as the Puzzler, who was created when the producers were unable to come to terms with Emmy-nominated Frank Gorshin, who wound up not appearing at all during the second season, despite being the show’s most popular villain. Evans is best known to genre fans for his roles as Dr. Zaius in the Planet of the Apes films and as Maurice, Samantha’s father, on Bewitched.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. When Rocket goes to Knab’s penthouse, Knab describes her as very “well rounded.” Pretty sure he wasn’t talking about her tea-brewing skills…

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Whoever they are beneath those masks they wea—”

“You’ve said that before, Commissioner.”

“And I’ll say it to my dying day, Chief O’Hara!”

—Gordon displaying his man-crush on Batman and O’Hara being snitty about it.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 34 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, your humble rewatcher! John and I had fun with the Shakespeare theme, the incoherent script, and the missing Frank Gorshin.

The original script by Fred de Gorter—who previously wrote “A Riddle a Day Keeps the Riddler Away”/”When the Rat’s Away, the Mice Will Play” last season—was titled “A Penny for Your Riddles”/”They’re Worth a Lot More,” and was intended for the Riddler. The primary change to the script to accommodate the casting of Maurice Evans was adding all the Shakespeare stuff; the rest is all from de Gorter’s original story.

Because the episode aired Christmas week, the window cameo is Santa Claus, played by Andy Devine, who only succeeds in not being the world’s creepiest Santa by virtue of the existence of the loony Santa played by Jeff Gillen in A Christmas Story. Ho-ho-ho!

Artemus Knab (whose last name is “bank” spelled backwards) was based on Howard Hughes. His plane, the Retsoor, is “rooster” spelled backwards, a play on Hughes’s H-4 Hercules, nicknamed the “Spruce Goose.” (Hughes drove a Duesenberg Model J, too…)

Stonefellow is a play on Rockefeller, at the time the governor of New York.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Zounds!” This might have made a decent Riddler episode. It also might not have. On the one hand, one of the biggest problems with the episode is how slapdash the job of filing the Riddler serial numbers off is. The script goes back and forth between the notion of Puzzler being an established villain (Gordon and O’Hara guessing that it’s him right away, Robin warning Knab about his bad rep) and being a new one (Puzzler having to be introduced to our heroes, Robin saying he’s heard that secret writing is a thing of his). The entire telephone-number clue falls totally to pieces because there are no Z’s that correspond to numbers on a 1966 telephone dial (the gag would totally work with Riddler) and, finally, there are no puzzles, just riddles with a Shakespearean bent.

On the other hand, that Shakespearean bent is a big source of the story’s charm. Maurice Evans does a delightful job of delivering the Elizabethan-era quotes that are part and parcel of his dialogue effortlessly and perfectly. (He does far better than Adam West, whose mannered pseudo-British affect when he quotes the Bard is actively painful to listen to.) In addition, Paul Smith’s delightfully over-the-top Hughesian take on Knab is a delight, from his constant harping on his many monopolies to his phone call interruptions during the Monopoly game with Puzzler.

Still, the seams are really showing here, as this is a warmed-over Riddler story that is salvaged only by Evans’s obvious delight in playing the goofy heavy. And even with that, the incoherent deductive process, the weak-sauce moll and henchmen (Rocket’s acting obsession is poorly developed and badly handled, plus Barbara Stuart just isn’t that compelling), and an eye-rolling resolution to a promising deathtrap (I liked the gum idea in the abstract, but forcing it to happen because the bad guy littered, plus the doofy birdcall and the oh-so-convenient phone booth, makes it fall apart) add up to a subpar story.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido is at InConJunction XXXVI this weekend in Indianapolis. He’ll have a table where he’ll be signing and selling his work. Please come on by! His full schedule—including a Q&A on Farscape alongside the show’s creator Rockne S. O’Bannon—can be found here.

“The Sandman Cometh” / “The Catwoman Goeth”
Written by Ellis St. Joseph and Charles Hoffman
Directed by george waGGner
Season 2, Episodes 33 and 34
Production code 9715
Original air dates: December 28 and 29, 1966

The Bat-signal: The Sandman, who’s in Gotham from Europe, has teamed up with Catwoman on a scheme to relieve J. Pauline Spaghetti of her great fortune. They each intend to betray the other as well. However, the GCPD was actually on the ball, for a change, having embedded an undercover detective in Catwoman’s gang. Unfortunately, Policewoman Mooney’s cover is blown by Catwoman just as she’s reporting in. Now Mooney’s in trouble, so Gordon calls Batman.

But Bruce is off in the back country with Dick and a bunch of other young boys. I’m sure there’s nothing at all suspicious or weird about that. Alfred says that Batman is out of town, prompting Gordon and O’Hara to remark that even Batman deserves his privacy. Two seconds later, O’Hara suggests using the bat-signal. So much for privacy.

Bruce sees the bat-signal, but he’s with a half dozen young men who don’t know he’s Batman. So Bruce and Dick stay up in the mountains, not risking their secret identities.

Catwoman, dressed in a nightgown, goes to sleep in the display window for Morpheus Mattresses. Then one of Sandman’s henchmen comes and takes her away. The cops are confused, as there was supposed to be a woman in the window, but not until later in the day. Gordon and O’Hara figure the Sandman is behind it, given mattresses and sleeping being involved. Catwoman then shows up on a local news station, still in her nightgown, saying that she had been having trouble sleeping until she was treated by Dr. Somnabula. The reporter tries to get her back on track to the abduction, but she wanders off instead.

Sandman and Catwoman meet in a run-down factory, which we know because there’s a sign over the door that says “RUN DOWN FACTORY.” (Said sign has white space on either side of it, indicating that it used to have a much bigger sign before the producers absconded with it for filming…) As Sandman had hoped, they attracted the attention of Spaghetti, who calls, offering $10,000 if Dr. Somnabula will make a penthouse call to her. (Catwoman does a wonderful job as the bored nurse over the phone.)

Having met with Gordon and O’Hara, and with very little to go on, Batman and Robin return to the Batcave to try to figure out the criminals’ next move. They figure that his target is a rich person with sleeping trouble, hence placing the “Somnabula” name on television. Robin comes up with some famous insomniacs, but for some reason only lists people who are long dead. Despairing of his sidekick growing a brain, Batman turns to the Bat-computer, which tells them it’s Spaghetti.

The Sandman makes his penthouse call. Spaghetti has gotten almost no sleep since she made her first billion dollars. She dozed off at a rock and roll concert once, but that was it.

While “examining” her, the Sandman sprays sleeping powder on her, which causes her to sleepwalk and be susceptible to Sandman’s every word. She gives him a ton of cash, jewelry, and her financial journal (labelled “VAST SPAGHETTI RESOURCES”). He takes pictures of the journal, then puts it all back. Spaghetti wakes up and is eternally grateful to “Somnabula” for curing her insomnia.

Batman and Robin have climbed up the wall and arrive to accuse the Sandman of thievery—but nothing’s stolen. Sandman leaves, and Spaghetti kicks the Dynamic Duo out, pissed that they scared away her shiny new doctor before she even had a chance to pay him.

They go next to a display room for the Morpheus Mattress Company (a room curiously bereft of any displays), and find Sandman and his henchmen. Fiticuffs ensue (with a lot of busted pillows, flying feathers, and “sproing” noises that represent mattress springs).

Robin winds up being sprayed with Sandman’s powder while Batman is overcome by mattresses. Sandman leaves Batman to be sewn inside a mattress while the mesmerized Robin is taken away by Sandman and his henchmen to Catwoman via the Batmobile, who is thrilled at the gift. She puts Robin in a maze—the same maze where she put Mooney. Catwoman also turns on the electric shock switch (conveniently labelled “ELECTRIC SHOCK SWITCH”), which electrifies the fences that make up the maze walls. Eventually, he finds himself at the center of the maze, alongside Mooney. Catwoman said that once you reach the center, you can never get out.

Batman escapes by using his utility belt as a lasso after the button-maker cuts through one of his bonds. He checks in with Gordon, telling him to put men on Spaghetti in case Sandman tries to visit her again, then takes the subway to Wayne Station (he has his own station! it’s good to be rich!) and Bat-walks the rest of the way to the Batcave. He and Alfred track the Batmobile to the run-down factory and go there on the Alf-cycle. They arrive just as two cops have also found the Batmobile, the younger one threatening to give him a ticket and citation. Batman, hilariously, is actually willing to go along with whatever the rookie wants to do, but the older officer points out that Batman has pull with Gordon and O’Hara and to stop being an idiot.

Sandman goes to Spaghetti’s penthouse, uses his sleeping powder on O’Hara and his men, and goes off with her to the bank to withdraw funds so they can elope. “Dr. Somnabula” also tells the head of the bank to call Gordon and provide him with Catwoman’s address to give to Batman.

Gordon passes it on, and Batman confronts her with Sandman’s betrayal. Catwoman is willing to help Batman get back at the Sandman—but is reluctant to admit that she has Robin and Mooney trapped in her maze. She sends Batman into the maze to retrieve them—but before Catwoman can turn tail and run, Gordon, O’Hara, and other cops take her in.

Batman frees Robin, because of course he can solve the maze that Robin and an undercover cop are too dim to get out of, and they take the Bat-boat to J. Pauline Spaghetti Island. Sandman and Spaghetti are already there, the latter showing the former the plaques memorializing her previous four husbands—all of whom also had the last name Spaghetti, and all of whom died in freak noodle-related accidents. (Sandman starts looking and acting notably apprehensive after hearing about his predecessors as Mr. J. Pauline Spaghetti…)

The Dynamic Duo arrive before the wedding commences, and fisticuffs ensue. Spaghetti falls asleep during the fight…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-computer’s method of informing the Dynamic Duo that Spaghetti is who they’re looking for is not to provide a punch card like usual, but to ooze bits of pink spaghetti out of a port in the computer. This makes you wonder what else the computer is stocked with to provide hints to our heroes…

Batman and Alfred track the Batmobile via the Batmobile Tracking Map, which looks a lot like the Giant Lighted Lucite Map of Gotham City. Plus we’ve got the triumphant return of the Alf-cycle and the Bat-boat!

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy alter ego!” is Robin’s cry when they deduce that Dr. Somnabula is the Sandman. “Holy voltage!” is his utterance when electrified by the fence in Catwoman’s maze. “Holy sedative!” is what he cries when they discover that Spaghetti fell asleep while they were fighting.

Gotham City’s finest. We actually get some competence from GCPD, with an undercover cop successfully infiltrating Catwoman’s gang, done in only because she said she was going out to get fresh catnip late at night, after the stores were closed. Plus Hogan and Dietrich are both conscientious officers, though the former is a bit too eager-beaver and the latter a bit too cynical, but at least we see them do real policework (and Batman admits that his car violates a few ordinances after Hogan threatens to write him up). And the cops actually are the ones who catch Catwoman.

Of course, we can’t have the cops being completely competent. We can always count on O’Hara to muck things up, as he utterly fails in protecting Spaghetti from the Sandman.

Special Guest Villains. A team-up this time, the first time the series had two billed villains. (Well, okay, technically, there was Jill St. John getting billing as Molly alongside Frank Gorshin in “Hi Diddle Riddle”/”Stuck in the Middle.”) Not only does Julie Newmar return as Catwoman, but Michael Rennie appears as the Sandman. While Rennie got the usual “Special Guest Villain” credit, Newmar was listed as “Extra Special Guest Villainess.”

This is Rennie’s only appearance in a role originally intended for Robert Morley. Newmar will be back three stories hence in “That Darn Catwoman” / “Scat! Darn Catwoman.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Catwoman once again hits on Batman when they are face to face, though it’s short-lived, especially since Batman himself is more concerned with Robin’s fate.

Also, seriously, what was Bruce doing in the mountains with a bunch of young boys in sleeping bags?????

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Now I must get to the Batcave as fast as possible!”

“Let me send a police car for you.”

“A needless waste of taxpayers’ money, Commissioner. Gotham City’s transit line is the world’s most rapid.”

–Batman expressing the need for speed, then declining an actual speedy option in favor of mass transit to the suburbs. Good thing Robin’s life wasn’t in danger or anything…

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 35 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Robert Greenberger, author of The Essential Batman Encyclopedia.

Ellis St. Joseph’s original script only involved the Sandman. According to St. Joseph, producer William Dozier called him up and told him it was the best script he’d ever seen for the show. However, there was apparently a need for an additional Catwoman episode, and so story editor Charles Hoffman rewrote St. Joseph’s script to bring Catwoman in.

The title for Part 2 was originally “A Stitch in Time,” and in fact title cards were filmed for the second half hour with both titles, and they were used interchangeably in reruns.

Robert Morley was originally cast as the Sandman, but he quit when the script was rewritten, as he didn’t sign on to be a second banana. David Tomlinson refused the role for similar reasons, and the part went to Rennie.

J. Pauline Spaghetti was a play on J. Paul Getty, the industrialist. In St. Joseph’s original script, it was a male part, J. Paul Spaghetti, written for John Abbott. Instead, the female version was played by Spring Byington.

Sandman’s henchmen Nap and Snooze, played by Richard Peel and Tony Ballen, were a deliberate riff on Laurel & Hardy.

Derwin Alley was named after second unit director Bill Derwin.

Having played an armored truck driver in a previous Catwoman story (“Hot Off the Griddle” / “The Cat and the Fiddle“), James Brolin returns as the overzealous Officer Hogan.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “I am only interested in my own problems, nobody else’s.” Two weeks ago, I said that the presence of Julie Newmar can cover a multitude of sins, and this two-parter proves that wrong. Newmar is, of course, delightful, and once again not only plays Catwoman superbly, but also takes on, in essence, two other roles, as the “sleeping beauty” who is kidnapped from Morpheus Mattresses and as “Dr. Somnabula’s” nurse answering the phone for Spaghetti.

Nonetheless, Catwoman has very obviously been sledgehammered into this episode to no real good end. Yes, she’s fun on screen, like she always is, but if you remove Catwoman from the plot, nothing of consequence changes.

Well, that’s not true, as apparently we could’ve gotten Robert Morley and a script that was a riff on The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Instead, we got this mess.

It’s not all bad. Spring Byington is a delight as Spaghetti, Michael Rennie brings a certain charm to the Sandman, and the story is generally well populated with capable women, much more so than we usually see in a show that tends to embrace the sexism of its period with both arms. But overall, the story is a mess. It’s unclear what Catwoman brings to the table that necessitates the team-up. If the Sandman’s plan is to marry Spaghetti, why bother taking pictures of her ledger? Why set up Batman trying to gain Catwoman’s cooperation if they don’t need it and will just arrest her in any case? The deathtrap resolution is utterly predictable. Plus so much happens off-camera: Batman and Robin’s first meeting with Gordon, Batman solving the maze, Batman riding the subway (which would’ve been hilarious), Sandman stopping O’Hara and going to the bank with Spaghetti.

And here’s the biggie: at the very end of the episode, what exactly do they nail the Sandman on? Best they can do is a minor count of fraud for pretending to be a doctor, but even that’s iffy, because he actually did what he said and allowed Spaghetti to sleep for the first time in years. That’s as nothing compared to what Batman and Robin did at the end: trespassing, reckless endangerment, assault. But that’s it. Everything else that happened was above-board.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido urges everyone to support the Kickstarter for Humans Wanted, an anthology edited by Vivian Caethe based on a nifty tumblr meme by “iztarshi.” Keith and Jody Lynn Nye will contribute to the anthology if funded.

“The Contaminated Cowl” / “The Mad Hatter Runs Afoul”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 35 and 36
Production code 9739
Original air dates: January 4 and 5, 1967

The Bat-signal: The Mad Hatter steals seven hundred empty hat boxes from Bonbons Box Boutique. Gordon alerts Batman, interrupting Bruce giving a check to Professor Overbeck at Gotham City Atomic Energy Laboratory to aid in his atomic research.

In his hideout, the Mad Hatter is putting away all his stolen hats. Stealing headgear has lost its allure for him. He just wants to steal one final headpiece: Batman’s cowl. He also plans to hit the Headdress Ball in the Top Hat Room of Gotham Tower, hosted by Hattie Hatfield, who will be wearing a fancy headdress held in place by the Hatfield Ruby. It’s an obvious target for him, which means that the Dynamic Duo eventually figure it out, with help from the Bat-computer.

Disguised as the Three-Tailed Pasha of Panshagoram by wearing a fez with three tails on it, the Mad Hatter crashes the party. Batman and Robin bat-climb up Gotham Tower and also crash the party, hiding under the hors d’oeuvres table until the Mad Hatter steals the Hatfield Ruby.

Once Batman reveals the Hatter’s deception, fisticuffs ensue. (At one point, the Hatter slows Batman and Robin down by throwing salads in their faces. Seriously!) The Mad Hatter keeps our heroes at bay by tossing his three-tailed fez onto the floor as a distraction before hitting Batman with radioactive spray. The Mad Hatter escapes, and Batman’s cowl has turned pink with radiation. (I guess the Mad Hatter uses Pepto-Bismolium…)

The Dynamic Duo return to the Batcave, but all of Batman’s spare cowls are being dry-cleaned. Batman took an anti-radiation pill, which will keep him safe for a bit, but he needs the cowl decontaminated. He goes to Overbeck at the Atomic Energy Laboratory for assistance, but Mad Hatter anticipated that, and is able to steal the contaminated cowl. Mad Hatter and his thugs then put Batman and Robin in the X-Ray Generator Tube and Fluoroscopic Screens, where the Mad Hatter irradiates them.

Mad Hatter returns to the lab to find two skeletons wearing Batman and Robin’s masks, capes, and underwear. When Gordon and O’Hara get the news, they are devastated. (We also find out that Gordon keeps a bottle in his desk drawer.) The news travels quickly around the world—but Batman and Robin are still alive! With Overbeck’s help, they survived, putting the skeletons in their place, dressed with spare uniforms kept in the Batmobile. (How Batman went from having no spare cowls to two spare cowls is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

There was a tracker in Batman’s contaminated cowl, which the Mad Hatter has his thugs drop in a water tower. With the Dynamic Duo out of the way, Mad Hatter plans to steal the ruby on a Buddha statue at the Gotham Art Center.

Unable to stand the worldwide mourning and chest-thumping, Bruce calls Gordon and assures him—and the rest of the world—that Batman is alive and well. He and Robin track the tracer he put on the contaminated cowl to the water tower near the Green Derby. Batman and Robin head over there. Polly, the Hatter’s moll (a hat-check girl, natch), leads them to the water tower, where the Mad Hatter and his thugs are waiting. The wind blows off the Hatter’s mesmerizing hat, and so instead fisticuffs ensue, with our heroes triumphant. O’Hara and his people show up to take the bad guys into custody.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The best the Bat-computer can do when trying to anticipate the Mad Hatter’s next movie is to spit out a list of types of headwear. However, when Batman flicks the Accelerated Concentration Switch, it provides information about the Headdress Ball.

Batman has anti-radiation pills and carries a Bat-X-Ray Deflector in his utility belt.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Batman throws the Accelerated Concentration Switch on the Bat-computer, Robin cries, “Holy handiwork, Batman!” When the Mad Hatter throws his three-tailed fez onto the floor, which then explodes as a distraction, Robin yells, “Holy fireworks!” When Robin forgets that the Batmobile is parked out back, Robin mutters, “Holy memory bank.” When they detect the Bat tracer under water, Robin grumbles, “Holy mermaid.” When Polly expresses surprise that Batman and Robin are, in fact, Batman and Robin, Robin tut-tuts, “Holy hoodwink—or holy naïveté, take your pick.” When he sees how many people are happy to see the pair of them alive, Robin cries, “Holy multitudes!”

Gotham City’s finest. When O’Hara and the other cops arrive at the water tower, the film is sped up so they look like the Keystone Kops. Very fitting, that.

Special Guest Villain. David Wayne returns for his second (and final) appearance as the Mad Hatter, following “The Thirteenth Hat” / “Batman Stands Pat.” By all accounts, Wayne hated the role, and had to practically be put in a headlock to reprise the character. To his credit, this shows nowhere in his performance.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. At the end, O’Hara announces to Batman that Gordon apprehended Polly himself so he could book her personally. Wah-HEY!

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na

“Who made Batman and Robin famous crimefighters? Criminals, that’s who! You want to show a little respect to the departed, stay crooked! That’s the least you can do!”

—the Mad Hatter justifying still being a bad guy even as Gotham mourns Batman and Robin.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 36 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Dan Greenfield, creator and author of the 13th Dimension web site.

The Mad Hatter’s hideout in the Green Derby restaurant is a play on the Brown Derby, a famous Los Angeles watering hole.

The various telephone operators all do variations on the phone number Pennsylvania-6-5000, which is famously the number of the Hotel Pennsylvania in New York. (The hotel still has this number fifty years later, in fact…) The song “Pennsylvania-6 5-000” was made popular by Glenn Miller and the Andrews Sisters.

Alfred references his cousin Egbert, whom we met in “The Joker’s Provokers.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Hold onto me, Commissioner!” Do you know that if you do an internet search on the title of the first part of this two-parter, the primary hits you get aren’t for the episode, but for what it describes? Apparently there are a lot of pink Bat-cowls out there that can be yours for a small price.

I mention this mostly by way of avoiding talking about this two-parter, because there really isn’t a damn thing to say about this idiocy. Nothing in this story makes any damn sense. The Mad Hatter only seems to steal seven hundred hat boxes so that Batman can know he’s at large again. He goes to all the trouble to steal the Hatfield Ruby, even though it turns out to be a fake. He sprays Batman’s cowl with radioactive spray, which somehow only affects the cowl and not the cape (because that’s still blue). Why does Batman make the world think he’s dead? What purpose does it serve? It’s obviously nothing more than an annoyance to him, based on how he responds to Harriet’s mourning, so why even do it in the first place? Also, why are the skeletons only wearing underwear, capes, and masks? Where’s the rest of the costumes? After making a point of making it clear that Batman has no spare cowls, we then discover that he has two—one in the Batmobile (which goes on the skeleton) and one under the cowl he’s currently wearing. But wait, if he was wearing it under the contaminated cowl, wouldn’t it be contaminated, too, that being, y’know, how radiation works? Also shouldn’t Batman and Robin know more about radiation than they do, what with there being an atomic reactor in the Batcave?

Yeah, I’m done. There is absolutely no evidence to support the notion that any actual thought went into the scripting of this episode. Even Adam West and Burt Ward seem to be phoning it in this time ’round.

The only saving grace is the great David Wayne, who is a delight in the role. But it’s not enough to save this episode, which doesn’t even have the comedy or the satire, at least beyond the entertainment value of Batman’s cowl being pink—but that particular joke wears out its welcome long before it goes away. The whole thing is just going through the motions, boringly.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be at Shore Leave 38 in Cockeysville, Maryland this weekend. Among other things, the convention will have the debut of Altered States of the Union, the alternate-U.S. anthology with Keith’s story “We Seceded Where Others Failed.” Other anthology contributors who will be guests at the con: Russ Colchamiro, Peter David, Michael Jan Friedman, Robert Greenberger, Glenn Hauman, Meredith Peruzzi, and Aaron Rosenberg. Other con guests include fellow Trek scribes Christopher L. Bennett, Paula M. Block, Greg Cox, Terry J. Erdmann, Dave Galanter, Jeffrey Lang, David Mack, Larry Nemecek, Marco Palmieri, Dayton Ward, Howard Weinstein, and many many others; fellow Stargate scribes Jo Graham and Melissa Scott; actors Karen Gillan, John Noble, Anthony Montgomery, Zoie Palmer, Michael Trucco, Anthony Lemke, Barbara Bouchet, and Michael Forrest; and tons more writers, artists, scientists, actors, and more. Keith’s full schedule is here.

“The Zodiac Crimes” / “The Joker’s Hard Times” / “The Penguin Declines”
Written by Stephen Kandel and Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 37, 38, and 39
Production code 9733
Original air dates: January 11, 12, and 18, 1967

The Bat-signal: O’Hara is showing off the rare art map to Gordon—it’s a map of rare art, not a rare map of art, just to be clear—that shows where all the rare art is in Gotham City. His insistence that it’ll improve their ability to fight crime is interrupted by the Joker, who is on the windowsill for some reason. Keeping Gordon and O’Hara at bay with his magic wand—which emits an electrical charge—he steals the map, which he announces is the first of his Zodiac crimes, and to look for eleven more.

The Joker escapes in a helicopter, and Gordon immediately phones Batman, a call that interrupts Dick’s tuba practice, which comes as a relief to all music lovers (starting with Bruce, who looks rather pained while sitting uncomfortably close to the tuba—in truth, 14 miles away in Gotham City proper would be too close to the awful tuba playing). Our heroes head to the Batcave—after Dick extricates himself from the tuba—and thence to GCPD HQ. They conclude that Joker will be committing crimes that correspond to the twelve signs of the Zodiac, which Robin starts to list before Batman interrupts him with annoyance, and grumbles, “etc., etc., ad infinitum”—which is a stupid thing to say, as “ad infinitum” means it goes on forever, and there really are only twelve of them.

Batman finds a two-way listening device, through which the Joker admits that he’s listening in, and also provides a clue to his next crime: “I don’t feel rejected with a fortune in treasure still unprotected.” Then the spy device self-destructs.

The first Zodiac crime has been committed: the rare art map’s acronym is “RAM,” and the first Zodiac sign is Aries the ram.

At Joker’s hideout, he takes delivery of a box—which contains Penguin. Joker snuck him in town via post so Batman wouldn’t know he was back in Gotham. He then calls Batman at Gordon’s office (Batman suspects that Joker is calling for him on Gordon’s line—it would’ve been really hilarious if it was Gordon’s wife calling or something…) and gives the Caped Crusaders another clue: “Taurus, the bull, is next on my show and you’ll soon be singing a song of woe.”

Batman thinks it’s not Taurus, but rather Gemini, as “sing a song of woe” indicates singers, specifically Gotham’s latest singing sensation, the Twins. Batman and Robin show up at the Twins’ rehearsal (Robin decided to either have an epileptic fit or start dancing, it’s hard to tell by the way Burt Ward gyrates), but the twins are actually Joker’s moll, Venus, and one of his henchmen in disguise. Then Penguin shows up, the fake Twins gas Batman and Robin long enough to allow them to escape. Our heroes go after the more critical prey, Penguin, who lures them to a car with a crane, and then Penguin abandons it, leaving Batman and Robin stuck on the car alone.

Meanwhile, Joker’s after his real target: two twenty-carat diamonds, also known as The Twins, which he and Venus steal successfully.

Batman and Robin wind up back in the Batcave, holding the wigs used in the Twins disguise, and run them through the Bat-analyst, which determines that the wig is 98% human hair, but also 2% silk, which means it must come from Harry’s Hair Lair. Harry is a golf buddy of Bruce’s, so he is able to get the address of the purchaser of the wig, which leads him to Joker’s HQ—but Venus is the only one there. After Batman fails to convince her to turn Joker in, the phone rings, with Penguin saying everything’s set for tonight, though he provides no other details. Batman tries again to talk Venus into helping them, and this time she agrees, taking them to the performance of Leo Crustash, the famous operative singer.

Joker comes on stage, prompting Batman and Robin to run on stage as well. Penguin tries and fails to drop sandbags on them. (At no point does Crustash stop singing; at no point does the audience react in any way to this interruption.) Fisticuffs ensue, but Joker uses the confusion to kidnap Crustash, who hits two Zodiac signs in one shot: Leo for the lion and Crustash for the crustacean (not Cancer the crab for some reason). However, Batman and Robin are able to capture Penguin.

A sculpture of the Virgin Bereaved is Joker’s likely next target, since Virgo the virgin is the next in Joker’s sequence. Batman and Robin wait for him at the museum, where several of the statues turn out to be Joker’s henchmen. Fisticuffs ensue, and our heroes are triumphant until Venus throws gunk on them that renders them unconscious.

Batman and Robin are tied to a horoscope stone that is right underneath a meteorite. Venus repents her actions, a bit too late, while Joker sets up thermite to cut through one of the ropes holding the meteorite up.

Joker buggers off, but Batman has managed to loosen his hand enough to grab his batarang. He tosses it at the thermite, which knocks it to the pedestal next to him, and he’s able to use it to free himself and Robin.

Gordon and O’Hara get another visit from Joker, who comes in the office door, meaning he just walked through police HQ. He uses gas to freeze Gordon and O’Hara in place—probably used on the other cops he encountered, too—which enables him to steal the marble statue of Justice outside police HQ, which hits Libra the scales. Joker himself steals a police car to get away, using the police radio to give conflicting reports as to where the tow truck that stole Justice is. Eventually, it becomes clear that the reports are false, and Batman cuts into the police frequency to tell the cops to disregard reports on that wavelength—which prompts Joker to blow his cover and declare shock that the Dynamic Duo are alive.

Joker’s next target is the Durand Golden Scorpion, for Scorpio the scorpion which is at the same jewelry store that housed the Twins. Venus comes into that jewelry store disguised as “Agent Brindle,” investigating the crime, using that cover to steal the scorpion and glue the owner’s feet to the floor.

Our heroes deduce that Joker’s next target is Sagittarius the archer—which Batman figures will be a golden Bowman, specifically Basil Bowman, a millionaire buddy of Bruce’s. Sure enough, the Dynamic Duo arrive in mid-kidnap, but Joker holds them off by threatening Venus’s life.

Joker and his thugs get away, leaving Venus behind. She claims to be ashamed of all the crimes she’s committed, and is willing to help Batman catch the Joker. She starts by leading them to the Platter-porium, a record store, only to find Joker’s thugs waiting. Fisticuffs ensue, trashing pretty much every piece of merchandise in the store, but they are able to rescue Crustash. However, he did pay the Joker a hundred thousand dollar ransom, though he then didn’t free Crustash as promised.

There are only three Zodiac signs left: Aquarius the water bearer, Capricorn the goat, and Pisces the fish. (Actually, there are four left, as Joker has yet to do an actual Taurus crime.) There’s a meeting of the Society of Zoologists, which is meeting at a park fountain that contains two rare fish. Figuring that he’s hitting that next for Pisces, and Batman, Robin, and Venus head to the park.

However, their arrival is of little use, as Joker shows up, his henchmen throwing red herrings at them while Joker steals the rare fish. Our heroes give chase in the Batmobile, leaving Venus behind—however, she’s captured by one of Joker’s thugs. Meanwhile, Joker fires on the Dynamic Duo, though they’re protected by the Batmobile’s bullet-proof casing. They arrive at Joker’s warehouse hideout, where they are caught in a fishing net.

Joker puts Batman, Robin, and Venus in a pond, tied up and ready to be eaten by a giant clam. The clam swallows Robin first, but before he can be fully masticated, Batman manages to break out of his chains (which are purple, because Joker) and pry the clam’s mouth open.

Meanwhile, Joker frees Penguin from prison just as Joker gets the news that Batman and Robin are still alive. Joker admits that he needs Penguin’s help to stop Batman once and for all—and also to steal Gotham’s entire water supply.

Leaving Venus behind in Bruce’s midtown apartment, the Dynamic Duo head back to the Batcave, where they deduce that Joker’s Aquarius crime will involve the water supply.

While Joker sabotages the water supply with his Joker Jelly, which will turn all of Gotham’s water into strawberry jam, Penguin prepares to suborn Venus at Bruce’s midtown apartment.

Upon seeing Joker Jelly coming out of the Batcave spigot, Batman and Robin immediately take the Bat-copter to the reservoir. They reassure Gordon that they’ll figure it out and not to pay the ten-million-dollar ransom Joker demands.

Penguin sends many flowers to Venus at Bruce’s midtown apartment and then arrives in person to flirt outrageously with her, also giving her a bottle of expensive perfume and offering her champagne (especially since the water tap is only providing Joker Jelly). He also claims he wishes to go straight, but he needs to have his criminal record in the Batcave destroyed. (Venus at no points questions why official criminal records are kept in a secret location.) Penguin says that Batman would never believe that he went straight (which has the ring of truth, given the number of times Penguin has claimed to go straight and was full of it), so he can’t just ask, as Venus suggests. Venus—who has, at this point, had quite a bit of champagne—agrees to ask Batman for a trip to the Batcave.

After restoring the water supply via a chemical reaction delivered by an exploding batarang, Batman checks on Venus, who asks to see the Batcave. Batman agrees, gassing her with bat-gas, as per policy. She’s overwhelmed by how groovy the place is, but then Joker, Penguin, and all four henchmen jump out of the trunk. (How they all fit in the trunk is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

While Penguin and Joker play with the Batcomputer, Batman uses the Bat-spectograph Criminal Analyzer to examine the criminals’ bone structure and store it for future use. Batman knew they were in the trunk the whole time, and also deactivated Penguin’s umbrella gun. Fisticuffs then ensue, including one part of it at the atomic pile, but our heroes are eventually victorious.

After the bad guys are Bat-gassed and brought to jail, a nice night at Wayne Manor includes Harriet reading Bruce and Dick’s horoscope (with a mention of “Venus ascending,” heh heh), and then Alfred totally trolls our heroes by feeding them clam chowder…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman has an antenna-shaped thingie that can suss out listening devices, and he also holds a mini fire extinguisher in his utility belt. He keeps a portable Bat-lab in the Bat-copter.

They have mobile phone Bat-plugs in their utility belts. They also have exploding batarangs for reasons passing understanding. When Venus comes to the Batcave, Robin proudly shows her the Batcomputer, the Bat-spectograph Criminal Analyzer, and the Bat-radar. There’s also a negative ion attractor, which Batman places in the trunk to deplete the power source of Penguin’s umbrella gun.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Robin mutters, “Holy astronomy” before listing the signs of the Zodiac, thus proving himself a moron, since the Zodiac is astrology, not astronomy. He wails, “Holy mashed potatoes” when faced with being crushed by a meteorite. He mutters, “Holy sonic boom” when commenting on how fast the tow truck with the Justice statue must be travelling to have been on all those streets. He shivers, “Holy human pearls” after being in the clam, but this time Batman corrects him, saying that pearls come from oysters, not clams. He cries, “Holy holocaust” when reminded by Batman that Joker’s water-supply sabotage will make it impossible for fire trucks to put out fires, as the hydrants will also only emit Joker Jelly.

Gotham City’s finest. The cops don’t recognize Joker as the driver of one of the cars, and when Joker claims to be various cop cars, none of the real cop cars say, “Hey, that isn’t me!” at any point.

Also O’Hara is in the shower when the water supply is replaced with Joker Jelly, thus subjecting us to O’Hara dressed only in a towel and covered in red jelly, a sight I will be seeing in my nightmares for decades to come.

Special Guest Villain. Cesar Romero and Burgess Meredith team up for the first time since the film as the Joker and the Penguin, respectively. Romero appears in all three episodes, with Meredith appearing only in the first and final parts, billed as an “Extra-Special Guest Villain,” similar to Catwoman in “The Sandman Cometh” / “The Catwoman Goeth.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Venus is all over Batman, including coming really really close to kissing him when she’s telling him where Joker will strike next. Meanwhile, Penguin turns on the charm to seduce Venus.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Very ingenious, Joker. A crime almost as good as one of mine.”

“One of yours? Those piddly escapades? Ha ha ha!”

“Ha yourself, you cornball crook!”

“Why you waddling little pipsqueak!”

“Gap-tooth goon!”

–Penguin and Joker not playing well together.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 37 by host John S. Drew with special guest chums Glenn Greenberg (former Marvel Comics editor), Jim Beard (editor of the essay collection Gotham City 14 Miles), and Robert Long (independent filmmaker).

This is the show’s first three-parter, done as a way to try to goose ratings. There will be one more this season, two stories hence—”Penguin is a Girl’s Best Friend” / “Penguin Sets a Trend” / “Penguin’s Disastrous End”—and there will be one more in the third season. TV Guide announced that the show would in future be doing three- and four-parters, though the four-parters never came to pass. Adam West also said in his memoir that the plan was to edit this and the next three-parter into a theatrical film for overseas release.

Because the episode was three parts, the end of “The Joker’s Hard Times” had William Dozier urging people to tune in “next week” rather than “tomorrow” for the first time ever.

The rare art map is totally a map of New York City, just in case the multiple NYC references and stock footage weren’t enough…

Terry Moore, who plays Venus, is best known for her role as Jill Young in Mighty Joe Young. The delivery boy is an early role for Rob Reiner, then known mostly as Carl Reiner‘s kid, later known as Michael “Meathead” Stivic on All in the Family, still later known as a popular film director. Also Joe DiReda plays Mars, worth mentioning only because he was in one of my favorite M*A*S*H episodes, “A Night at Rosie’s,” as a drunken major.

Batman and Robin discuss the time Joker poisoned the water supply in “The Joker’s Provokers” earlier this season, even mentioning Alfred’s role in saving the day.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Don Juan Penguin is on the loose!” I really wanted to like this story more than I actually did. Elements of it work very well. The Joker’s Zodiac scheme is actually a pretty good one, although the lack of a Taurus crime still stands out like a sore thumb, and having getting into the Batcave be the Capricorn crime doesn’t really track just because Joker calls Batman a goat. Still, it’s a series of crimes that the three-part structure gives room to breathe. I like having Venus’s change of heart come, not at the end, which is when it usually comes for molls if it comes at all, but midway through so that she can actually help our heroes out. Having said that, her backing-and-forthing isn’t entirely convincing, not helped by Terry Moore being unable to settle on a tone for Venus, making her a criminal mastermind one minute, a repentant woman the next, and a total bloody idiot the next…

On the one hand, this team-up works better than the unconvincing pairing of the Sandman with Catwoman because we’re dealing with two bad guys who have a long history on the show in general and who have teamed up once before, alongside Riddler and Catwoman, in the movie.

Unfortunately, Penguin is just as unconvincingly tacked onto this story as Catwoman was in “The Sandman Cometh”/”The Catwoman Goeth.” You could remove Pengy from the story and it changes absolutely nothing of consequence—his only real significant scene is when he tries to seduce Venus, but even that could have been done in other ways. Heck, you could just have had the Joker claim to have come around to Venus’s point of view about reforming.

The biggest problem, though, is that there is very little interaction between Cesar Romero and Burgess Meredith. The interaction we do get is comedy gold, mind you, as they have a delightful over-act-off, but there’s not nearly enough of it. This story should have taken more of a cue from the movie, which put the villains together as often as possible. Instead, we get only a few scenes, and Penguin completely absent from the middle part all together.

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest story is “Right on, Sister!” in Limbus Inc. Book 3, a shared-world horror anthology that also includes novellas by Jonathan Maberry, Seanan McGuire, David Liss, and Laird Barron. It’s edited by Brett J. Talley and published by the fine folks at JournalStone.

“That Darn Catwoman” / “Scat! Darn Catwoman”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 2, Episodes 40 and 41
Production code 9743
Original air dates: January 19 and 25, 1967

The Bat-signal. Robin is giving a commencement speech at Aaron Burr High School. (Why someone who hasn’t actually graduated high school yet is giving a high school commencement is left as an exercise for the viewer.) He’s approached afterward by Pussycat, who is Catwoman’s protégé. (She’s actually a rock and roll star, but Catwoman has recruited her to be her sidekick, since at age twenty, she’s already over-the-hill to be a rock star…). She scratches Robin with a cataphrenic, which turns Robin to a punk. The boy wonder actually slams O’Hara into a wall and then goes off with Pussycat.

Upon learning of this assault on a police officer, Gordon immediately calls Batman almost apologetically. Batman drives to police HQ, alone for once (thus requiring new footage of Batman driving alone and only using stock footage that shows the Batmobile from enough of a distance that you can’t tell who’s in it), and Gordon and Batman question O’Hara. The chief says that he was talking to some redhead, and then tripped him. (Which is odd, as Robin actually shoved him.)

Back at Wayne Manor, Harriet asks why she’s not allowed in Bruce’s study. Alfred’s lengthy and offensive diatribe on the subject of having a masculine retreat away from female encroachment is mercifully interrupted by Catwoman, Robin, Pussycat, and her three thugs entering Wayne Manor. They tie up Alfred and Harriet, blow open the safe, and steal two hundred thousand dollars.

Alfred calls on the Bat-phone, which surprises Batman and Gordon. Probably hoping it was Robin, instead it’s a report from Alfred, including the information that Robin is suffering from amnesia and dizziness. (He’d fainted at the end of the robbery.)

The camera cuts away before Batman has to explain to Gordon and O’Hara to whom, exactly, he was talking to on the phone, as we look in on Catwoman. Robin is sleeping off his fainting spell, and Pussycat, despite Catwoman’s protestations, practices her new song, “California Nights,” which sounds exactly like Lesley Gore’s hit single of the same name! What a coinky-dink!

Once Pussycat’s done with the song, Catwoman gets down to business: they need eight hundred thousand more dollars and also Batman. She calls Gordon and has him put her through to Batman. He puts his phone and the Bat-phone ear-to-mouthpiece (which would make for a terrible connection), and Catwoman makes her play. If the police or Batman try to stop her upcoming series of robberies, Robin will die. She offers to meet Batman on neutral ground to discuss it, but he refuses.

After the call, Batman says he must handle this in his own way, and Gordon shouldn’t make any attempt to stop her nor be surprised by anything Batman does.

Catwoman steals another hundred thousand, but they still have seven hundred thousand to go. So she goes off with the thugs to rob more money while Pussycat guards the loot.

We cut to the workshop of Pat Pending, described as the world’s cheapest inventor, where he’s discovered a universal solvent, though Rudy the valet points out that there’s no container that would hold it.

Then Catwoman comes in and steals all his cash, which he keeps hidden in his mattress. Afterward, Pending and Rudy report that she mentioned something about a prince getting weighed. Gordon and O’Hara recall that Prince Ibn Kereb of Gedallia is weighed in every year: they put paper money on the other side of the scale to weigh him, and the money is then given to Gedallia’s orphans.

Catwoman, Robin, Pussycat, and the thugs show up to steal the money, but Batman is waiting for them. He’s appalled to realize that Robin doesn’t recognize him. Fisticuffs ensue, and Batman takes out the three thugs in short order. However, while he does so, Catwoman, Robin, and Pussycat put the prince’s money in a bag. Catwoman orders Robin to beat up Batman, which he does gleefully—and successfully, since Batman can’t bring himself to strike his old chum.

Jumping into the Catillac, Catwoman and her gang go to their headquarters in New Guernsey. Batman follows, and calls Gordon that he thinks he’s found a second Catlair. This surety is borne of the three signs on the door to the lair, which say, “SECRET ENTRANCE TO CATLAIR WEST!” “THIS MUST BE THE PLACE,” and “CATWOMAN’S IN HERE!”

He enters to find Robin tied to a chair. Thinking Robin was playing possum the whole time, he frees Robin—which distracts him long enough for the thugs to stun him with electrodes. He wakes up to find himself tied inside a giant mousetrap. Catwoman asks Batman to join her as her partner, which he refuses. So Robin cuts the rope that’s keeping the trap from springing—until Batman gives in. He agrees to become her partner, not to save his own life, but to keep Robin from committing murder.

Catwoman’s about to apply the cataphrenic—to make sure he’s not faking—when Batman asks to take a bat-pill first, to put off a headache. Bitching about how men are hypochondriacs, she lets him, then applies the cataphrenic. Batman starts acting like just as much of a leering doofus as Robin, and they head to the old criminals’ home on Short Island to meet up with Little Al. Catwoman’s been stealing money in order to pay Little Al for the plans to the Gotham City Mint.

Gordon is beside himself. Catwoman has been sighted as a passenger in the Batmobile, and he’s getting calls from Mayor Linseed, Governor Stonefellow, and President Johnson. But then O’Hara comes in with an anonymous tip about the location of the Catlair.

Pussycat is singing “Maybe Now“—another Lesley Gore song (ahem)—to a picture of Robin. Then the boy wonder himself comes into the room and tries to make a move. Pussycat isn’t having any of it, though, as she’s not the type of girl to kiss on a first crime. Robin grabs her and tries to force a kiss on her, which isn’t at all creepy, when Gordon, O’Hara, and two other cops walk in to arrest them. They question Pussycat to no avail, and so Gordon decides to try to trace the Bat-phone.

Batman, Catwoman, and the thugs see Pussycat and Robin being taken to the hoosegow. A frustrated Catwoman tells the thugs to lay low, and she asks if Batman remembers where the Batcave is—at which point he gasses her.

He wakes her up the Batcave and convinces her that she fainted in his arms. She doesn’t question this, partly because she’s overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the Batcave. She also comes onto him, but Batman says they need to focus on the mint robbery first.

Before Catwoman can try harder, an alarm goes off alerting Batman to Gordon’s attempt to trace the Bat-phone. Batman is able to divert the phone line so that Gordon instead follows the trace to Pending’s lab. Gordon and O’Hara arrest Pending, assuming that Rudy is Robin. Pending’s protestations that he has too much of a paunch to be Batman, not to mention the fact that the 32-year-old Rudy could hardly be the “boy” wonder, fall on deaf ears.

Batman leaves a note for Alfred to take Bat-antidote pills to Robin at police HQ before he gasses Catwoman again to leave the Batcave. They head to the mint (with Catwoman not even questioning the fainting spell). After they break in, Robin shows up, announcing that he’s no longer under the cataphrenic spell—at which point Batman reveals himself to have been faking it long enough to learn the weak spot in the mint’s security. Now that he’s found it (there was a false door), they can take her in. Fisticuffs ensue, but while the thugs are taken care of, Catwoman manages to lift the bat-keys to the Batmobile and get away.

Batman takes O’Hara’s cruiser to give chase and get close enough to take remote control of the Batmobile. They stop it at a warehouse and Batman chases her to the rooftop. He tries to convince her to give up, but she plummets a hundred feet to the West River—to her doom? We’ll never know—well, at least not until she shows up again…

Fetch the Bat-shark repellant! My new favorite bat-device is in this one: the Automatic Bat-Alarm for Detecting Phone Detecting Equipment! You gotta love a device that has the word “detecting” in in twice! He also has the ability to divert a trace on the Bat-phone to another line, which becomes a serious problem for Pending.

Plus we have the old standbys of the Bat-antidote and the Bat-gas. And at the end, he uses a Bat-hanky to catch his tears as he weeps over Catwoman’s apparent demise.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Batman frees him from Catwoman’s chair, Robin cries, “Holy nick of time!” When Gordon and O’Hara show up to arrest him and Pussycat, he grumbles, “Holy shucks,” which may be the worst “holy” utterance in the show’s history. Finally, he cries, “Holy diversionary tactic!” when Catwoman escapes in the Batmobile.

Also, William Dozier cries, “Holy bat trap!” during the cliffhanger voiceover.

Gotham City’s finest. For a moment, the GCPD approaches competence, as Gordon actually figures out that Catwoman will hit the prince of Gedallia. After that, though, they hardly cover themselves in glory, with Gordon immediately assuming that Batman has gone bad and calling for him to be captured “dead or alive.” He also totally believes that Pending and Rudy are Batman and Robin.

O’Hara doesn’t fare much better: Robin shoves his ass right into a wall and later he says that he saw Catwoman got away in the Batmobile, something it never occurs to him to mention until Batman prompts him.

Also at one point Gordon says that he’s violently opposed to police brutality. Okay, then.

Special Guest Villainess. Julie Newmar is back for another go-round as Catwoman, having last appeared as the Sandman’s partner in “The Sandman Cometh”/”The Catwoman Goeth.” Despite jumping to her apparent doom, four stories hence she’ll be back in “Catwoman Goes to College” / “Batman Displays his Knowledge.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Pussycat comes onto Robin in the beginning, though he doesn’t return the interest until after he’s scratched with cataphrenia.

Catwoman also comes on to Batman, particularly in the Batcave and before the mint heist. But Batman deflects her the first time with his faux eagerness to commit crimes, and the second time she’s interrupted by the thugs showing up to commit those crimes.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I wanna be alone with you, Robin.”

“Alone with me? But why?”

“I can see a very important part of your education has been grossly neglected.”

–Pussycat making a pass at Robin, and Robin getting an incomplete pass.

Trivial matters. This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 38 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum Dan Greenfield of 13thDimension.com.

Guest star Lesley Gore was a very successful pop star, having scored a #1 hit with “It’s My Party” in 1963 when she was only sixteen. “California Nights” actually debuted in “That Darn Catwoman.” Gore is also the niece of producer Howie Horwitz, which probably isn’t a coincidence…

All the New York references in this one: besides Mayor Linseed and Governor Stonefellow (plays on Mayor Lindsay and Governor Rockefeller, the mayor of New York City and governor of New York state at the time), we’ve got New Guernsey across the river (New Jersey is across the river from NYC, and both Jersey and Guernsey are types of cows), Short Island (a play on Long Island, just to the east of NYC), and the West River (a play on the East River).

While it isn’t specified that Gordon gets a call from President Lyndon Baines Johnson, the commissioner does sit up very straight, speak far more formally, and closes the call with “Give my best to Hubert,” referring to Johnson’s vice president, Hubert Humphrey.

Stanley Ralph Ross originally named the prince who weighed himself Missentiff of Furderber, named after a friend of his, but the network thought it sounded too much like an insult and asked him to change it. So he changed it to Kereb, which means “son of a bitch” in Arabic, which blew right past the network.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Close your eyes and pucker and don’t worry about your reputation.” Usually one can count on a Stanley Ralph Ross script to be among the higher echelon of Bat-scripts, but he’s done in by any number of issues, not all of them his fault. For one thing, while the idea of Catwoman adopting a sidekick on the theory that Batman has one, too is a good one, the execution suffers from the warping effect of Lesley Gore’s pop career. The action of the two-parter grinds to a screeching halt twice so that Gore can lip-sync a hit single.

A good story could be told about how Robin and Batman can both be turned bad, but it’s done in by the simply terrible acting of the principles. Adam West doesn’t actually do too bad with it, and he’s helped by the fact that Batman is faking. Robin isn’t faking, though, and it’s just awful. His bad-guy act is even less convincing than it was in “He Meets His Match, The Grisly Ghoul,” starting with his doofy laughter and only getting worse as the two-parter progresses. At least he suffers dizzy spells so he can be asleep and off-camera for big chunks of the story, which is all for the best.

Catwoman doesn’t cover herself in glory here, either. Stealing a million dollars so she can buy the plans to the mint just seems unnecessarily complicated. It’s also blindingly obvious that Batman took a universal Bat-antidote rather than a Bat-aspirin, and the fact that Catwoman didn’t cotton to that—or to Batman gassing her, not once, but twice to avoid letting her know the Batcave’s location just makes her out to be an idiot.

And Catwoman deserves better, as Julie Newmar still shines like a big giant shining thing. As ever with her appearances, the best parts are when West and Newmar get to play off each other, and they do so splendidly in the climactic rooftop confrontation. Batman tries to get her to reform, and she turns it into a marriage proposal, and she also proves that reforming is a problem for her given that her solution to Robin being in the way of their theoretical wedded bliss is to kill the boy wonder.

Bat-rating: 4

Keith R.A. DeCandido is very grateful to be back at rewatching. Moving to a new place has been insane…

“Penguin is a Girl’s Best Friend” / “Penguin Sets a Trend” / “Penguin’s Disastrous End”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by James B. Clark
Season 2, Episodes 42, 43, and 44
Production code 9741
Original air dates: January 26 and February 1 and 2, 1967

The Bat-signal: Batman and Robin are on their way to a lecture on crime prevention when they discover Penguin directing an armed robbery. Except it turns out he’s literally directing it—he’s actually directing a movie. The Dynamic Duo showed up and beat the crap out of the “thieves” while totally missing the camera crew that was filming the whole thing. (Those masks really need to provide better peripheral vision…)

Penguin even has a permit, which O’Hara provides, and he intends to sue the police and have Batman and Robin arrested. However, Penguin is willing to forego the suit and pressing charges if Batman and Robin are willing to sign a contract to be in his picture.

After heading to GCPD HQ, Batman admits that he knew it was fake and saw the camera crew the whole time. (Robin, though, didn’t, which is why he’s the sidekick, I guess.) But he wanted Penguin to “blackmail” them into being in his movie so he and Robin can keep an eye on the old bird. (What he would have done if Penguin decided to just press charges is left unsaid.)

At the offices of Penguin Pictures, Penguin verifies an order of 24,000 gallons of milk for Scene 12, and then he’s joined by Marsha Queen of Diamonds. He needs her help to finance the studio, which is a front for a huge caper. In exchange, she wants to be the leading lady in his picture—getting a love scene with Batman being the main incentive.

In the Batcave, the Dynamic Duo are reading over the script, and they get to Scene 12 and realize that the Gotham City League of Film Decency might have an issue with it. They proceed to the studio where they’re ready to film Scene 12, which takes place in a milk bath and involves Marsha wearing only her diamonds. (It has also now transmogrified into 23,000 quarts of milk.) Also at the studio is Harriet, who is, naturally, the head of the GCLFD, and to whom Batman sent the script. Penguin reluctantly cuts the scene, and instead gets ready to film Scene 43, which has Marsha and Batman kissing (though Marsha remains fully clothed). Marsha is wearing lip gloss from her aunt Hilda that’s supposed to have a love potion on it. Batman is able to resist the potion, and they return to Wayne Manor musing on why Penguin wants to film a scene at the Gotham City Museum. Batman took the precaution of putting bat-homing devices on all the art in the museum.

Marsha goes to Hilda for a stronger love potion, but she’s out of old toads. (She also has a new pet, a monster named Mortimer, who appears to have mutated in her cauldron from a frog or something.)

They’re ready to film at the museum, only to discover that their priceless collection of 15th-century armor is missing. Turns out it’s made from a unique alloy that interferes with the bat-homing devices. Realizing he’s been caught, Penguin starts the scene early, and fisticuffs ensue.

The Dynamic Duo triumph over their Roman-armor-dressed foes, but then Penguin shines a spotlight in their faces, blinding them long enough to be netted by the thugs. Penguin puts them in a catapult that will send them across town—while Penguin films it, of course, with cameras strapped to their ankles. Despite the fact that they could just roll off the catapult at any time, Batman instead goes to the trouble of calculating their trajectory and remote controlling the Batmobile to put it in the position to catch them in the net that happens to be in the trunk.

Somehow, this works, and they head to GCPD HQ. They can’t arrest Penguin yet, as they need to locate the armor first, so Batman and Robin offer to go back to work for Penguin. However, Penguin doesn’t buy it, and kicks them out. Outside the office, Batman makes sure that the intercom to Penguin’s office is on and he goes on a rant about how he’s been bitten by the showbiz bug and is desperate to get back into the acting biz. Penguin takes pity on him, and puts them back in the film.

In Gotham Central Park, Marsha and Hilda seek out old toads, while Batman and Robin return to the Batcave to read the second part of the script.

The next day of filming sees the Dynamic Duo put in suits of armor—though they’re not among the suits stolen from the museum. Penguin then attaches them to a giant magnet and heads off with a bunch of troops dressed in the 15th-century armor in order to attack the Hexagon. He gets in via a meeting with a general who wants to be in the motion picture business. Penguin is willing to offer the general a five-year contract as soon as he retires. In exchange for that, the general lets him film the next scene in Room X—but that gives them access to Room Z, which Penguin and his troops burst into in order to steal state secrets. The armor is impervious to bullets (impressive for 15th-century armor), and so they get away scot-free.

Batman and Robin manage to extricate themselves from the magnet and drive to the Hexagon, still in the suits of armor. They arrive just as Penguin gets away. Giving chase, our heroes are aided by the laden-down van of Penguin’s blowing a tire from all the extra weight of the armor. Penguin holds off the armored Dynamic Duo with barrels while his thugs take the secrets back to the hideout. After knocking them over, he gasses them with his umbrella and has them tossed into a garbage can (the santiation engineer believes them to just be empty suits of armor).

They’re brought to the hydraulic scrap crusher, which has three settings: tamp down, crunch thoroughly, and smash flat. Luckily, Batman and Robin keep air tanks in their utility belts for the Batmobile’s tires, and were able to use them to counteract the hydraulic pressure and create a safe cocoon of air.

Penguin, meanwhile, has to hide in Hilda’s basement, as he’s now a fugitive. His plan is to rob the sub-treasury, but he needs Hilda’s love potion. Unfortunately, Hilda’s lizards have gotten loose—which is handy for our heroes, as O’Hara mentions the sightings of weird lizards, which prompts the Dynamic Duo to head for that neighborhood, eventually winding up in Hilda’s basement. They see a thug trying to break into the vault and put the bat-cuffs on him. The thug doesn’t squeal, but he does say that Penguin said that after this caper Gotham City would be in the soup. Our heroes deduce that it’s a play on bullion, and that he’s after the gold bullion in the sub-treasury.

Without the lizards to make the love potion effective, Marsha goes for plan B for distracting the guards: the dance of the seven veils. She dances for the guards while Penguin’s thugs steal the gold from the treasury—and makes it all the way to the sixth veil before Penguin’s done emptying the treasury.

Batman and Robin arrive, but the bad guys all go into the vault and close it. Gordon and O’Hara show up, and our heroes intend to wait them out. But after three days, they’re still in there with a portable stove and plenty of tanks of air. (Why nobody just opens the vault door to get them is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

It turns out that Penguin stole the plans for a solid-gold tank, which his thugs then spent the previous three days constructing from the gold in the sub-treasury. They break out with it and ride through the streets of Gotham—running over O’Hara’s radio car as they go, with the chief only surviving due to a conveniently open sewer cover.

The Dynamic Duo give chase in the Batmobile, with Robin whipping out the Bat-zooka, taking out the tank in one shot. And then Bruce, Dick, Harriet, and Alfred watch Penguin’s movie, which is being donated to the Wayne Federation of Boys Clubs, which probably violates several laws related to contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman puts bat-homing devices on every work of art in the Gotham City Museum, which can be detected from the Bat-scope in the Batcave, but can also be blocked by the magnetic properties of a unique 15th-century alloy. Batman has a fully programmable remote control of the Batmobile on his wrist, while Robin keeps a Bat-sound amplifier on him—which is, basically, a stethoscope. And both of them keep air tanks (which are labelled as torches for some reason) in their utility belts. Plus we get the triumphant return of the Bat-zooka!

Meanwhile, Penguin has a Penguin-mobile to get around the studio.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon seeing the camera crew at the staged robbery, Robin cries, “Holy cinescope!” Upon learning what roles he and Batman are playing in the film, Robin mutters, “Holy miscast.” Upon Penguin arriving at the studio on a hastily thrown-down red carpet, Robin grumbles, “Holy movie mogul!” As they’re in the catapult, Robin on-points, “Holy cliffhanger!” As they fly through the air from the catapult, Robin cries, “Holy sub-orbit!” Upon realizing that the second part of the film takes place in the Middle Ages, Robin says, “Holy history.” As Penguin marches out with his soldiers to attack the Hexagon, Robin complains, “Holy catastrophes!” When Batman hits the lamp, which shorts out the fuse and deactivates the magnet, he cries, “Holy bull’s eye!” When Penguin bursts out of the treasury in a gold tank, Robin yells, “Holy armadillos!”

Gotham City’s finest. O’Hara, in an impressive moment of heroism, if not brains, puts his radio car right in the path of the tank. The car is promptly squished, and doesn’t even slow Penguin and Marsha down.

Special Guest Villains. Like the last three-parter, this is a two-villain team-up, though in this case, both villains appear in all three parts: Burgess Meredith, fresh off that last three-parter as the Penguin, and Carolyn Jones, making her second and final appearance as Marsha, Queen of Diamonds. Jones is listed as an “Extra Special Guest Villainess,” though she’s only in one scene in “Penguin Sets a Trend.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Dick is very enthusiastic when he declares that, after the kissing scene with Marsha, Bruce will never want to kiss a girl ever again.

Meanwhile, Marsha’s primary purpose in the storyline seems to be as a sex symbol, as we see her nude (covered by a towel borne by two assistants) in one scene and her dancing the seven veils in another.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“What could that mangy creature be doing in there?”

“I wish I knew, Chief.”

“And what’s he doing for food?”

“I wish I knew, Commissioner.”

“And what’s he—”

“I wish I knew, Robin.”

–O’Hara, Gordon, and Robin all asking Batman questions he can’t answer, and Batman losing patience by the time it’s Robin’s turn.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 39 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum Ben Bentley, co-moderator of 66batman.com.

The Army officers at the Hexagon are played by well known voice actors: Major Beasley by Bob Hastings, who would later go on to voice Gordon in Batman: The Animated Series and several other DC animated thingies; General MacGruder by Allan Reed, probably best known as the voice of Fred Flintstone.

In addition to Carolyn Jones, Estelle Winwood returns as Hilda.

Veteran character actor Andy Romano is one of the security guards, which I mention only because he’s always been a favorite of mine, particularly for his recurring role on Hill Street Blues and his supporting role in Under Siege.

The Hexagon is obviously a play on the U.S. military headquarters in the Pentagon, though that building is in Washington D.C., rather than New York/Gotham City.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Never counter Penguins before they’re latched.” It’s obvious that the producers decided that, since the movie featured a villain team-up, and since they needed a way to stanch the hemorrhaging viewership, more team-ups were the way to go. The problem, however, has been in simply awful execution each time. Catwoman was unconvincingly crowbarred into an existing Sandman story, Penguin’s role in the Zodiac three-parter was minimal to nonexistent, which holds true here also, as Marsha serves very little practical purpose in the storyline, almost completely absent from the second part, and doing little in the first and third beyond looking hot and saying, “darling” as often as Burt Ward says, “holy.”

Having said that, the three-parter definitely has its moments. Batman and Robin driving around in the Batmobile while in full suits of armor is epic, the Hexagon robbery is so completely ridiculous as to be hilarious (with the added goofiness of the voice of Fred Flintstone being the idiot general), Batman and Robin’s disgust at the very concept of a love scene with a girl is eye-rollingly droll, for some reason I find the notion of 15th-century armor that’s bulletproof to be delightful, Carolyn Jones’s dry wit provides a nice dose of vinegar amidst the silliness, plus of course there’s Burgess Meredith is having a grand old time as usual. I particularly love how often he uses the director’s megaphone (which is purple, and comes with a tiny umbrella).

Plus in general, the Penguin’s plan is an entertaining one. The crimes actually progress nicely from one to the next, and it all fits in with Penguin’s common MO of creating the veneer of going straight as a cover for the latest scam.

By the way, I don’t buy for a second that Batman knew all along that the Penguin was filming a scene in the opening of the first part, mostly because subsequent scenes display quite obviously that he’s not that good an actor. He was just BSing Gordon and O’Hara and Robin to save face. Luckily, all three of them are extremely gullible.

Also, these are two of the lamer cliffhangers in the show’s history with awful resolutions. The first is an unnecessarily complicated (and risky) solution to a problem that would have been more easily handled by rolling off the catapult once Pengy and the gang went off to their better vantage point. They couldn’t possibly have been secured to the catapult, since it wouldn’t have worked very well at catapulting them if they were bound to it. And the second is just overwhelmingly silly and complicated, and happens entirely off camera, which is always most unsatisfying. (Amusingly, there’s another deathtrap that doesn’t bridge two episodes that was actually much more effective, to wit, the duo escaping from being stuck on a magnet.)

The ending seems anticlimactic, but I actually kind of liked it, because the fact is, a gold tank would be disastrous. Gold is far too soft a metal to be effective as the building material for a tank, and I had no trouble believing that Robin could take it out with one Bat-zooka shot. (There’s a reason why it was a plan so far buried the Army wasn’t even sure what it was.) I was more confused as to why they didn’t just open the friggin vault door to get at the gang.

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido has never set a trend, nor has he yet met with a disastrous end.